Hello all....its been awhile!

Hello everyone...I joined here awhile back, and had a devastating thing happen in my life that I am still trying to sift through, and am just now starting to get back out in the land of the living. Missed all of you-was just getting to know alot of you, and I see alot of new faces out there. Bi-Polar II acting up as well....cant win for losing here lately it seems lol....Hoping to reach back out to you guys, and hoping you can reach out to me if you need anything as well....maybe we can all muddle through this crazy thing called life?

Welcome back! I'm new here myself, but I'm glad to help if I can. Newly diagnosed BP, a month ago my life was a train wreck......thank God for Lamictal or I'd still be a hot mess. Normally when I go into a funk I'll pull out of it in a few weeks, but this thing became a monster and turned into my first-ever mixed episode. If I never have to go through another one of those, it'll be a day too soon!

Anyway, I hope things start going better for you soon and that you can find peace in your soul despite your BP.

Hi there! Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but nice to hear theres a name for why you act the way you do lol....yeah bi polar episodes arent very fun....been through quite a few before I was finally diagnosed a year ago. It seems Ive had it for awhile (or so Im told) and thats why every SSRI I have ever been on only worked for about 6 mos and then I was a hot mess again. What do your mixed episodes consist of? Im sure they are very much as entertaining as mine are lol....I was on Lamictal for awhile (very good drug) but I got the dreaded rash and had to go off of it. Im on Topamax now, and it seems pretty comparible to the Lamictal, without the itchy skin...the only downfall is that it makes soda taste like **** (excuse my french), and boy oh boy how I love soda.....but soda, or psycho? Take your pick lol....
I was away for awhile, and am fighting my way back to the land of social life. My ex husband passed away in November. We have a 9 year old son together, whom of which was home with him at the time it happened. Despite our divorce, we were still extremely close (we did better at being friends than husband and wife) and there isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of that night (I picked up our son and was in the hospital room with my ex when they called the time). But without me being a total Debbie Downer and going into the whole night of hell, I thank God that I was diagnosed last year and already on my meds or I wouldnt have been able to handle all of this. I just wonder when the healing starts because it is sure taking its time, and I worry so much about our son. He seems to be doing ok....he is an amazing little boy, and my heart breaks for him everyday because I know what hes missing. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on....I hope you have a great night and things start looking up for you....

So sorry to hear about your ex-hubby and little guy's Dad. I've known a couple like you who were much better friends than married people, and it was hell when one of them passed on.

Mixed episodes.......how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways---for one thing, my depressive episodes have always been clearly that, and this time I couldn't tell if I was depressed or what. There was this disconnect between my agitation and my actual amount of physical activity---I was like an engine revved up to 7000 rpm while sitting on blocks in the driveway. I was irritable, explosive, hostile, paranoid, anxious.......I couldn't concentrate, couldn't stay on task, couldn't remember stuff, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and couldn't have cared less.

I had no insight whatsoever into what was going on, and when I asked my primary doctor for a different antidepressant he said No and referred me to a psychiatrist. To say I was pissed is an understatement; I wasn't crazy, I'd just had really bad mood swings most of my life. But I went, and it took all of 90 minutes to get a diagnosis of BP NOS (he's still figuring out whether it's cyclothymia or bipolar II). Luckily, I haven't developed a rash from the Lamictal, and the relief it's provided is simply amazing......I almost feel normal again (whatever THAT is, lol).

Of course, I'm fearful of going through another episode like that. I wonder how long the remission will be, and what happens if the meds stop working. But I guess I shouldn't worry about it, no one can know when or if it'll happen again, and I want to enjoy the good days while they're here.

Welcome back. I'm so sorry to hear about the troubles you've been having lately. I'm pretty new around here, fellow BP II here. Looking forward to sharing this wonderful journey of madness with you.

Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your friend, losing someone is never easy. Lots of hugs to you and your son.

Hi there! Yea I know what you mean about enjoying the good days...sometimes they seem so few and far between....I always wonder what it would feel like to feel, well, that word they call "normal"....Im glad that your Lamictal gives you that relief, and from what I hear, if you titrate up slow enough, hopefully you can avoid the rash....guess I just got lucky lol.....I dont go back to my PDoc for another month, and Im just so frustrated...Im doing so so, but before I got this wonderful disorder, I was never so so....I was bubbly and fun and full of life....that is what I am hoping to get back....I dont want to just settle, and like I said before, something just isnt right....and I noticed something else too....besides being freakishly tired....did I mention freakishly tired lol.....I crave sugar like its going out of style.....I think about it, I dream about it, I want to eat it for all 3 meals a day.....not normal lol.....but which med is the culprit? Or is it something else? Heck, who knows.....ok once again, rattling on about my problems.....
So what type of nurse are you? Ya, I'm a nosy one lol...its always nice to know something about the person you are talking to. Do you have children, pets, etc??? I hope things are good for you today and that you are feeling well! Thanks for writing back!

Hi there! Thanks for the reply....I had to laugh when you said "wonderful journey of madness" lol.....wonderful is not a word that comes to mind...actually I can think of some good four letter words for it though lol....
So I see you are BPII as well.....I still have a hard time typing those letters, and I am still a bit in denial of it....give me ADHD or some other alphabet letter....not this though....I have never had an illness that was so darn hard to treat....how are you coping with yours? And if you dont mind me being nosy, how are your meds working out for you so far? Hope you are having a great day!

thanks for that! it's good to be reminded to live in the moment & enjoy the good times while we have them... and just savor them completely without thought of what might be in store tomorrow...

your mixed episodes sound just like mine.. they're pure hell on a stick... since i don't get to choose to just be "myself" all the time, i have to say i'd rather be depressed or manic... than be mixed... i think that's a fairly common response to mixed states from what i've gathered on these threads... just nice to have people to reach out to who "get it" ... i've never had that before...

i'm glad you have a drug that is providing you some desperately needed relief & hope that it continues to prove effective for you

if you need to see your doc sooner than that, just call and let him/her know what you're feeling & see if you can be worked into the schedule... the worst they can say is "hell, no".. which might be a good indicator to put out feelers for a more flexible doc...

like you, my "normal" self is pretty upbeat, bubbly & outgoing.. smiley and generous of heart... and having lived with this mess in my head for over 16 years... good, bad, and all the ugly... i can testify that you can get that back.. you might not get it 100% of the time, but with the right cocktail in the right dosages, you can get back to being YOU most of the time...

my advice: whenever you feel something just isn't right... tell your doctor... in many ways you have to be your own mental health advocate... you gotta be willing to fight for yourself..

and i can relate to the freakishly tired... my doc finally pointed out to me the right word was "sedated"... which is really much more accurate... a ridiculous heaviness to my muscles.. no amount of coffee can keep me up, need to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks & sugar cubes kind of tired... my culprit was too high a dose of geodon (i used it problem free for years, then suddenly it started causing daytime sedation... now i take a much smaller dose)...

and the craving sugar... yeah, i get that... though mine was carbs.. all kinds of carbs.. for six months straight & i never got full.. my culprit: abilify... soon as i came off it & it got out of my system, my apetite went back to "normal" ... now if i can just lose the 60 lbs i gained whlie i was on it... if you had told me drugs could make you eat different/more, etc before that experience, i would have had a hard time believing... but now i KNOW better...

*hugs*

oh yeah, welcome back to pc

Thats funny what you said about the sugar cubes and the toothpicks and the coffee....that is how I feel most days lol....I used to be one who got all hyped up, bouncing off the walls on caffeine....and now I can drink a ton of it and still go to sleep....I could probably sleep 24 hrs if my life allowed for that....I cant quite pin point it though. Im not really on a high dose of anything....but I really think its the stupid antidepressants....and I wonder if they upped my Topamax if it would make me more hyper...heck, I dont know anymore....its like we are all one big science experiment...stand back and see what this one does lol....and my PDoc is a very nice man, but hes such a quiet and laid back mousy thing....and when I mentioned maybe an ADHD amphetamine type thing for energy to take in the morning, he gave me the strangest look. You would have thought I was asking for his packet of blank scripts to take home for myself. The only reason I asked is because I read that some people take a low dose of ADHD meds in addition to their others for energy....I'l see what the week brings and I may have to call him back and pay a visit...
Anyway....I tend to rattle on...sorry.....
So you are on Geodon? Do you like it? I havent heard too much about it...do you take it in combo with something else?

Don't have a whole lot to offer, but I do take Geodon for sleep. Ambien knocks me out, but I need the Geodon to stay asleep. I also take Ritalin as part of my morning cocktail for alertness/energy.

Hi Bowhunt....Boy was I glad to see that you take an ADHD medication for energy/alertness....I have been on my PDoc for this for the past 2 months. He says its an option but is skeptical of course because its a controlled substance....right now he has me on Cytomel, which as far as Im concerned, I might as well be taking a freaking tic tac lol....it does nothing...I want to sleep sleep sleep.....and eat sugar sugar sugar.....I dont really know how to push him...hes such a mousy little thing lol....

Yeah, "wonderful" was a little on the sarcastic side. I've dealt with this crap for over a decade and I learned really fast that being a smartass helped me get by easier. Natural defense, I guess.

Some days, I cope with it better than others. I had a period of being really stable, thanks to good meds, and then life happened and things kind of fell apart. I'm not on meds at the moment. It was my own decision. Just trying to make it on my own. I do NOT recommend this! Learn from my own mistakes. I know I need to get back on them --- it's just finding the motivation to even leave the house. All I wanna do is lay around anymore.

Anyway, hope you are doing well. Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk.

I'm a wife and mother of four grown children, a grandmother to four boys, and I'm owned by three cats and a Pug mix dog, LOL.

At present, I am the Director of Health Services for a large Assisted Living community---hands down, the best job I've ever had, and I'll move heaven and earth and do whatever I have to in order to keep it. But I've worked all sorts of nursing positions, because I can't seem to stick with any job longer than 2 1/2 years.....this is the very first place I've been able to see myself staying until I retire. That's probably a bit optimistic. Still, I love it where I am and have the best possible set-up, including a boss who ROCKS!

I've worked Medical/Surgical (which is hell on earth), nursing homes, critical care, OB, and management over a 15-year career. Sometimes I wonder if I became a nurse because I'm bipolar, or if I'm bipolar because I'm a nurse! It's an extremely stressful job, no matter what kind of nursing you do......sometimes all you do is catch crap all freaking day (literally AND figuratively speaking), and at other times you touch a life, and it changes you forever.

About the cravings: I think sugar/carbohydrate cravings and weight gain are very common with most psych meds, but to be sure, in your place I'd have my blood sugar tested to make sure you're not developing diabetes. It happens to a lot of folks when they gain large amounts of weight, and it sneaks up on you---last year I was tired beyond belief, couldn't stay awake, felt awful, was hungry/thirsty all the time, etc. Well, being a nurse has never given me much insight into my OWN health issues, so I was astounded to find out that my fasting blood sugar was 241. (Normal is between 70-99.) I got it under control with oral meds, but now it's getting worse and I could easily wind up on insulin in another couple of years if I don't watch it.

Welcome back!! I'm so soo sorry for your loss!!! I wish I could do something to help! When it comes to your son you just need to reassure yourself that kids are more resilient than we think! I'm so sorry you're so tired I can empathize as I have M.E/ chronic fatigue syndrome. I hope we can help you improve your sociability and get on the road to becoming that bubbly fun loving self ((hugs))

i'm on quite a cocktail.. that has to be adjusted more often than i'd like.. so yeah, you're not the only one feeling like somewhat of a lab rat

have you had your thyroid tested?? hypothyroidism can cause extreme lethargy, depression & increased apetite.. and it's easily treated with levothyroxin in most cases... would be worth getting tested to be sure..

i would try pinpointing what's causing the exhaustion first, before resorting to taking one pill to counteract side effects of other pills... that's just a vicious cycle.. you'll go from lab rat to hamster on a wheel.. and not in a good way...

yeah, i'm on geodon.. eh, it is what it is.. it works, i can say that.. i do wish it didn't cause the daytime sedation, but like i said, i didn't have that problem for the first six years i was on it.. now i up the dosage slightly when needed.. till it builds up to a point of daytime exhaustion (if i need the higher dose that long).. and then taper back down... i will say that i notice an immediate difference when my dosage is upped in response to times when i'm cycling more ... perhaps because it knocks me out at night & one of the most important aspects to "maintaining" bipolar disorder is regular & restful sleep...

no need to apologize to me for being wordy.. i just finished a pm to someone in which i apologized for writing so much myself... it's like once i start talking/typing.. i end up a mini novel...

wanted to mention to you as well that as you go fwd with your pdoc, don't be afraid to get a second opinion & if it ever becomes necessary to change doctors entirely... i can't count the number of "horrible fits" i've had with me and my previous docs... and the process of trying to find a good one was ... exasperating to say the least.. but i finally have one that i LOVE (in his professional capacity, i mean, he's a great doctor) & have been seeing him for over 8 years now.. bless him, he responds to my phone calls/messages even on vacation..

to answer your question.. i take so many pills.. uhhh levothyroxin (hypothyroidism), welbutrin, zoloft, bcp, claritin, metformin, geodon, zocor, enablex, xanax or valium as needed, klonopin as needed (which is not often at all), sonata for sleep... blah, blah, blah... so yeah, i get it when you say you feel like a science experiment i'm a regular petrie dish of meds... *sigh* at least they keep me close enough to sane & healthy to enjoy my life for the most part

i've tried ambien, lunesta, and other drugs in that class.. my only warning: watch out for odd things like eating in your sleep... yes, you read me right.. strangest side effect i've ever had... eating in my sleep & having no recollection whatsoever in the morning... LOL, i told my doctor (thinking i'd really gone off the deep end) & he said, oh yeah.. that happens sometimes.. at least i hadn't compltely lost it after all

geodon is great for knocking one out.. when i'm on a little bit higher dose it also keeps my nightmares at bay when my anxiety level is higher...

a friend of mine takes seroquel... i tried it once & had an opposite reaction than most.. i was up for like five days straight, literally crazy manic... it knocks most people out for the night & it doesn't seem to cause any leftover drowsiness for my friend...

DITTO to that first part... and also to having experienced a long period of stability.. for like eight, nine months straight last year... then it all kinda went to hell again.. i'm still recovering from the aftermath... *sigh*

best wishes & offers of support to you manicdad - esp. while you're not on any meds... at least you are aware that staying that way is not necessarily the best option for you... and i do hope that you are able to find the combination/dosages that are right for you when you're able to get back to your doctor..

Wow girl! You are busy busy, but it sounds like you are good at what you do and enjoy what you do....and those children and grandchildren are a blessing as well....your pets sound amazing, and its funny, because my pets own me as well lol....
Im going to take your advice as well and going to test my own blood this weekend (perks galore when you work in the hospital lol) Im not overweight at the moment (but if this sugar nonsense doesnt stop I could see me heading for the chubby farm lol). I had my blood tested months ago, but that was before all of these med changes, and I have heard that some of them can cause the diabetic thing...Im definitley thirsty alot, craving sugar alot, and tired, and generally just dont feel right .my thyroid is fine, but my doc gave me that stupid Cytomel (levothyrozxine is the generic) that isnt doing crap....but alas, I will get to the bottom of it, or just harrass the hell outta my PDoc until he does something about it. Its always something isnt it lol......
Hopefully I can get my work under control as well, because I know that probably is playing into the sleep factor, or maybe stress....heck who knows-all I know is that you cannot jack with a Bi-Polar's sleep too much or they get psycho lol. I am a radiology technologist as my everyday job (I work mostly a few evenings a week and every other weekend) and I work for the coroner's office as a pathology assistant so I take call for them alot as well. I love both jobs, but I keep odd hours and I feel like I just dont have alot left to give.....my son deserves more than that and Im trying to make up for two parents and its just one now....hmmmm what to do....
Any good weekend plans? Im off tomorrow (THANK GOD!!) so I will probably take my little one on a date....working all weekend, but may catch a movie or something ....they are calling for severe weather up my way so we will probably have to stay indoors. Enjoy your evening and your weekend and hug all those kids and pets!!

Hey there! Thanks for the response and Happy Thursday!
To answer your question, yep I had my thyroid tested awhile ago and everything was fine....Im going to test my sugar this weekend while Im at work and check it again....the last test was before I went on the topamax and the stupid Cytomel (levothyroxine is the generic)....I read somewhere that sometimes some of these meds can give you diabetes....uuuggghhh because I just dont have enough going on lol....note the sarcasm.....
Yeah after reading your long list of meds, Im going to try and get to the bottom of this sugar obsessing/fatique problem Im having....Im trying to take the least amount of meds as possible, but if all else fails and I need to, then I need to.....Im glad to hear that things are going half way good for you....
Also relieved to hear that PDoc's can be good....this is my first good go around with one...he is really nice, but he's so quiet and meek, that it bugs me....and on one hand he is conservative with the meds which is good, because I dont want a drug pusher, but on the other hand, when you feel like crap, you dont want them saying, "well lets give it another month or two and then we will adjust as needed"......but Im also guilty of not being the worlds most patient person lol.....'
Im also thinking if I can get my sleep caught up, maybe Id be fine....but how much sleep is enough when you feel like thats all you want to do....I could be in a coma for days lol....plus I work alot of odd hours so thats not good for the bi-polar either....sigh.....im feeling a little bit hypo tonight, which is good....now if i could just bottle that up lol......

completely agree that the need for regular (and restful) sleep cannot be overstated for someone with bipolar... when i tell people if i don't sleep right, i'll wake up crazy the next day.. they turn their heads to the side & i can just see them thinking... "aren't you already crazy?????" LOL

i recently went through a text conversation with a friend where i mentioned that "once i get my sleep straight, i think i'll be a whole lot better off".. to which she replied "yeah, when i don't sleep, i don't do well either"... *sigh* i wanted to reach through the cell and pat her on the head (while shaking my head) and say "no dear, it's not quite the same for us biploar peeps" LOL

so i went through a few more texts back and forth explaining just how critical sleep is... not that it's just something i want.. but something i NEED... and what happens when my sleep is all screwy... or non-existent.. i believe her last text to me was something like "wow, i had no idea".. and again, i felt the strong urge to reach thru the phone and pat her on the head and say "well, now you do" LOL

i do love my friends... i especially love when they're big enough to acknowledge they don't know everything & also open enough and care enough to want to TRY to undestand my illness... i felt this friend was worth taking the time to try to explain because i knew she's one of the few that generally wants to "get it"... even though it is possible (more than that, probable) that she never totally will...

and thanks for your well wishes.. for the record, i'm doing better than half way decent.. life is pretty good.. could always be better, but i'm really trying to retrain myself to focus on the GOOD.. no matter how small.. and let the bad roll off my back... as much as i can and i'm doing what i can with what i've got to make the best of what's going on around me... that's the best any of us can do so yeah, i'm good

best wishes to you for fully enjoying your day off & the time spent with your kiddo i hope you have a weekend filled with lots of little good things to brighten your heart and make you smile i know, cheesy, right?? but i actually mean it...

TouchingSaturn......thanks for the message....and for the well wishes for the weekend....my weekend is going ok....im working today and tomorrow, but being the glass half full girl that I am (sarcastic LOL) its only 10am-6pm both days so it could be worse. I took my little one to this awesome place last night called the City Musuem in St.Louis, MO. It is this huge warehouse filled with caves and holes in the floor and tunnels and crawlspaces that end up all over the building....they were open til midnight and of course we stayed and played til then......great time though and good to get out and actually enjoy my son without being too rushed or crabby or tired.....
Its funny what you were saying about friends trying to understand Bi-Polar.....A few of mine understand it (I think to the point where they know you act like a psycho and needs pills to stop acting like a psycho) but I dont think they understand it fully. My signifigant other understands the emotional part of it, but he doesnt understand the sleep part of it at all....he laughs about how I can fall asleep standing up and Ive explained to him over and over that I cannot function on just 4-5 hours of sleep like some people can.....he thinks since he can, and hes so busy, that everyone can do it.....he doesnt understand the mental backlash of it though if I dont get enough sleep.....I think though, that I am requiring too much sleep and its getting on my damn nerves....lol
Its amazing though how some people think you just take this pill or that one and everything is ok.....sigh....I wish it were that simple.....but usually for every pill, theres another pill in line you have to take with that one.....
It is good to hear that you are at least feeling decent.....and focusing on the little things is always important...its hard to focus on those sometimes when you feel like crap, but it is those little things that make your heart lighter....
I hope you are enjoying your weekend! Not sure where you live, but there are a bunch of storm warnings out all weekend here in the midwest where I am so be careful!.....makes me want to take a nap lol......Have a blessed day!!

k, so i don't know how to do the multi quote thing.. so i put what you said in italics & my responses in bold

TouchingSaturn......thanks for the message....and for the well wishes for the weekend....my weekend is going ok....im working today and tomorrow, but being the glass half full girl that I am (sarcastic LOL) its only 10am-6pm both days so it could be worse. I took my little one to this awesome place last night called the City Musuem in St.Louis, MO. It is this huge warehouse filled with caves and holes in the floor and tunnels and crawlspaces that end up all over the building....they were open til midnight and of course we stayed and played til then......great time though and good to get out and actually enjoy my son without being too rushed or crabby or tired.....

i'm so glad you guys had some good one on one time ... sounds like a LOT of fun!!!! i'm glad you had energy to really enjoy being there in the moment with your son i know sometimes those times can be rare when you're struggling...

Its funny what you were saying about friends trying to understand Bi-Polar.....A few of mine understand it (I think to the point where they know you act like a psycho and needs pills to stop acting like a psycho) but I dont think they understand it fully.

to be fair, what we experience is hard for even us to understand at times... i am one to appreciate the effort that some choose to make to "get it" .. sadly, some people don't even try, of course some of them don't even realize that they don't get it, so... i've made peace with the fact that they never actually will.. not totally... and i've finally realized (as i've gotten older), that it's not their fault... and just count myself grateful for those who have stuck with me through the years & love me just as i am.. crazy and all

My signifigant other understands the emotional part of it, but he doesnt understand the sleep part of it at all....he laughs about how I can fall asleep standing up and Ive explained to him over and over that I cannot function on just 4-5 hours of sleep like some people can.....he thinks since he can, and hes so busy, that everyone can do it.....he doesnt understand the mental backlash of it though if I dont get enough sleep.....I think though, that I am requiring too much sleep and its getting on my damn nerves....lol

i know this might be a silly question, but has he ever been around you when you've been sleep deprived to witness how it affects you, your behavior, your mindset.. the next day?? there's hope that in time, he'll come to a better understanding.. and i'm right there with ya on the too much sleep thing... i hate that i have to sleep like 12-14 hours a night... i can get by on 10 on a really good night... expressed my frustration to my dr. that i was literally sleeping half my life away... he protested that to be truth... to which my response was to explain to him the math LOL there are some nights i soooooo don't want to have to go to sleep.. i want to stay up, and talk, and do!!!! but i know the price i'll pay if i f*** around with it... in the long run, i'd rather sleep a lot and be (for the most part) sane.. than not sleep, and be totally off my rocker & not get to really "thrive"...

Its amazing though how some people think you just take this pill or that one and everything is ok.....sigh....I wish it were that simple.....but usually for every pill, theres another pill in line you have to take with that one.....

oh how i echo that whole sentiment... i mean, like standing over the grand canyon and yelling it out loud... that big of an echo... as i'm sure most people on this board also do...

It is good to hear that you are at least feeling decent.....and focusing on the little things is always important...its hard to focus on those sometimes when you feel like crap, but it is those little things that make your heart lighter....

oh, thank you.. and i am better than decent.. i'm good.. i have issues, of course, but life.. life is good... sometimes i just need to smack myself and remind myself of that ... sometimes all of us need to do that... and yes, i take as much joy as possible in the smallest of things.. granted sometimes it takes real effort to carry that joy through the rest of the day.. and at times, i fail miserably.. but there's always time to get back up and go back to trying to focus more on the good than the bad.. i've found focusing on the bad doesn't make it go away... and focusing on the good tends to keep the bad at bay... bahhh i really didn't mean for that to rhyme LOL

I hope you are enjoying your weekend! Not sure where you live, but there are a bunch of storm warnings out all weekend here in the midwest where I am so be careful!.....makes me want to take a nap lol......Have a blessed day!!

i live in virginia... i hope that you and your loved ones stay safe through the storms... the weather has been so... extreme... and extremely weird... wondering if this state of affairs is the new normal.. *sigh*

if it rains & you can hear it.. take a moment to listen for me... i love the sound of falling rain and distant thunder... and it's been a while since i heard it & was actually able to enjoy it