[Anneinside]

What?? I am puzzled. I am only mildly depressed and yet I have continual intrusive thoughts about suicide. I suddenly "see" myself suciding. Always the same thing. I don't understand why I am thinking these thoughts when I am only mildly depressed. I have no idea what is going on. It is non-stop anytime I am at home alone and even happens when I am busy and out in the world. I have no intentions whatsoever to actually do anything. Anybody experience this?

[Trippin2.0]

Me, since my teens. ALOT! They usually go round and round and round. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, or which thought I replace it with. The pdoc said it was OCD related, the lithium helped with them. I had a break for a long while, but now they're back.
.
Ps. I used to think they were normal pre-dx.

[BlackPup]

Yes, I used to get it all the time as soon as I got even the mildest depression.
Lately I think about things differently and I don't really get suicidal as much

[bluemountains]

I think thoughts like this all of the time. My t says that I am not suicidal, these are just thoughts I am having but not planning on acting upon. This took the worry out of my thoughts and now I just put up with these, wondering why I am so morbid.
Bluemountains

[Tsunamisurfer]

Anne, they come and go in cycles for me. I am seldom so depressed that I can't do anything, and I'm almost never tearful except in response to someone else's pain, or when praying with my kids. My suicidal thoughts are a real nuisance. Occasionally they are rooted in hopelessness, but often they seem to pop up for no obvious reason. Thinking about it now, they do seem to coincide with derealisation, feelings of suspiciousness and acute startle responses.

I hope yours clears up soon.

[ChristySpirals]

I was driving not too long ago and all the sudden thought about smashing my car into oncoming traffic. I have no desire to die at all. It was very scary to sit with that thought. It also comes in other thoughts too, not always the same.

Yes, when I am even mildly down the suicidal thoughts are instant. I can just here it over and over in my head. It drives me a little batty but I know I won't act on it, I have no desire to end my life. I find that strange too, not even having the want but the thoughts.

I don't know if it's a normal part of depression, meant to pull you down further, or something like Trippin mentioned with OCD. Having to hear the thoughts tho over and over doesn't help the depression much at all.

[PiperLeigh]

Yes, add me to the group of folks who get these thoughts too. I'm hoping to start therapy before too long and this is one of the biggest things I hope I can get help with. I have a good life and it frustrates me that my thoughts "go there" even when I am not even in a major depressive period. I cant decide if it is somewhat related to poor impulse control, a bad habit that has become my default way of thinking or what. You're not alone. ++

[BuggsBunny]

Just a thought. I know some anti-depressants can cause suicidal thoughts, but so can coming up from a severe depression or heading into one. Are any of you in that spot? I think it's a reaction to knowing where you are headed, if going down, or finally having the energy to act, if coming up, even tho none of you are acting on the thoughts.

If it's not that, then I'm stumped, so I'll send each of you a hug to help a little.

[Trippin2.0]

BB, mine are completely random. Sometimes they're not suicide, but rather fatal accidents. I've had these morbid thoughts run thru my head since I was 15, they're completely independent of my mood... Honestly they stopped bugging me yrs ago, I've just accepted that they pop up, and they're so fleeting anyway. The repetition sucks tho, it's irritating.

For me I can wake up and the first thoughts in my head are " I don't want to be here" then it will continually get worse as the day goes on, mood might be a little low but not really depressed even, just kinda down. When I am depressed I'll hear voices telling me the same things.

I do wonder if we're just hard wired that way, habit, trained from repeated depression. It does get frustrating. I try to ignore it, but it usually brings me down. I spend so much time trying to reinforce to myself that I do want to be here. And the thoughts persist, as if on auto pilot.

[SmokeyPoole2012]

Those insistent thoughts!

I've always wondered why I hated myself and my life so much that I wanted to end it all. After all these years of dealing with it I still haven't been able to make them stop. However like you, I have no intention of hurting myself and long sense learned not to dwell on it. I just hope the feeling goes away as soon as possible.

If there are ways to better control this problem I'm open for suggestions.

[Merlin]

I think neurons that produce the thought were just fired so frequently in the past in response to stresses that they just automatically fire now. I can dismiss, often, the thoughts as my brain following an annoying older pattern. Often now another neuron follows with a counter-thought, that suicide is not a reasonable option and then my brain goes off on another thought.

[BNLsMOM]

I get these thoughts too. Sometimes I can handle them and sometimes they are overwhelming. My biggest problem, though is that when I get overwhelmed by the thoughts I begin acting on them.

For example, I am going through the thougts and motions lately of cutting my left wrist open. I have the thought, the desire and the means. I have been pressing a knife or a razor blade against my wrist whenever I get the chance. I have been ordered by my T to call 24/7 before I hurt myself. I promised I would. I am having trouble picturing calling my T because I have the fantasy so strongly planned out. That's why I have been "mock cutting".

I don't want to die. I just want to come close.

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

For example, I am going through the thougts and motions lately of cutting my left wrist open. I have the thought, the desire and the means. I have been pressing a knife or a razor blade against my wrist whenever I get the chance.

I haven't cut myself in years but I have also thought about it recently. I used to fight it by doing the same thing you do. I would press a dull dinner knife against my arm until there was a red mark, but not a cut. I understand.

[moremi]

Yes it happens to me all the time. The smallest thing can cause me to want to just end it all. If I yell at my kids or I disagree with my husband all of a sudden I feel Im unworthy to even be alive and death seems like an easy fix. Sometimes nothing is wrong and I just see an opportunity and think about it but would never do it. Idk why buy yes and its disturbing.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

BB, mine are completely random. Sometimes they're not suicide, but rather fatal accidents. I've had these morbid thoughts run thru my head since I was 15, they're completely independent of my mood... Honestly they stopped bugging me yrs ago, I've just accepted that they pop up, and they're so fleeting anyway. The repetition sucks tho, it's irritating.

I don't know why this is, but I used to have obssessive thoughts about someone killing me by hitting the side of my car. Like you said, it's not suicidal, it's just random thoughts while driving...I haven't noticed it in awhile...

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by moremi

Yes it happens to me all the time. The smallest thing can cause me to want to just end it all. If I yell at my kids or I disagree with my husband all of a sudden I feel Im unworthy to even be alive and death seems like an easy fix. Sometimes nothing is wrong and I just see an opportunity and think about it but would never do it. Idk why buy yes and its disturbing.

Exactly...You know how people like to have those conversation where they sit you down and tell you how much of a f*** up you are, or what you did wrong, or how horrible it is that you did this or that? Or it could be a more mild conversation. Well, as I sit there and listen silently looking straight ahead (which bothers him to no end), thoughts run through my mind. Bad thoughts. Most of the time, they are completely harmless, but the thoughts are still there. My fiance argues worse than a woman. He does. He almost pushed me over the edge one day because he wouldn't stop talking. If I tell him to give me time to cool off and walk away, he will still talk. He will follow me around the house and won't stop. I had it one day. I did something really stupid to myself in the midst of his on going rant and he called me crazy...I didn't care...At that moment, I just wanted it to be done and over and I didn't care about the outcome. Guilt and everything else. Yes, I know it's not healthy...That was the only time I almost took it there in the midst of something...For the most part, I zone out and tune him out, which, again, he hates. It's my cooping mechanism...

[fergus]

I get similar thoughts as well. They can come when I'm in a middle of a meeting or watching TV. The only thing is sometimes they're not really my thoughts but almost like someone elses. It just repeats DIE DIE DIE. When I'm really down I end up in the drug store with a handful medications that I would use to kill myself but then somehow I snap out of it and put the bottles back and leave.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I think neurons that produce the thought were just fired so frequently in the past in response to stresses that they just automatically fire now. I can dismiss, often, the thoughts as my brain following an annoying older pattern. Often now another neuron follows with a counter-thought, that suicide is not a reasonable option and then my brain goes off on another thought.

I agree with this idea... its just trying to remodel my brain into something positive is just so damn hard!!!!!
Though something clicked in my brain a couple of years ago and these kind of thoughts got a lot less. It was about being loved by God and being lovable... after that I didn't get suicidal thoughts for a long time, now they come back sometimes but its much better than it was.

[missclean38]

I have these thougts too and I am not depressed most of the time. I have these thoughts telling me that I don't know if I want to live or die and I want to live but these thoughts are with me all the time. I would NEVER act on them.