[NikkiLLL]

i have nothing. no one. i can't feel anything but pain and regret. even my body can't take it anymore. for the last 2 days i've been feeling feverish and everything hurts. i can't stop crying.
this turned out to be worse than i thought. yesterday i tried to tell my aunt about everything. my visit to a psychiatrist who gave me an "initial" diagnosis. that was over a week ago i never went back. when i mentioned i could have a mental illness she was like don't say that. and she kept telling me that i wouldn't feel this way if i'm closer to God if i pray more which infuriates me because she doesn't understand. other people are not very likely to understand either. i always thought that when i finally get help it will be a time of clarity. i'd understand why i did the things i did and have something better to say to apologize to the people i've hurt. that was what kept me going. that someday people will understand & forgive me when they know how sorry i am and how i never mean to hurt anyone. now its pretty clear thats not gonna happen. i don't have any energy to keep trying. it feels over.
i wanted to let someone know how i feel but no body in my life cares anyway. and i don't really expect you to either.

[Trippin2.0]

I care I wish I could ease your suffering, I'd carry it for you if I could. Honest. You're not alone, you have us, I know in the grander scheme of things, we are but avatars on your screen, but we understand, and we care, just as much as anybody irl ever could... Please keep keeping on, you'll make it thru this. Please see a dr about your physical symptoms, you need to look after yourself, you're worth it

We understand and care, NikiLLL.
I also relate to what you say about always feeling that when you finally get help it would be in a time of clarity. When I'm hypo, I don't think I need help, when depressed, I don't think I'm worth it, because things will "never" change. I hear that feeling reflected when you say, "Now it's pretty clear that's never going to happen." Things can seem so clear and logical when the voice of depression is talking, but it lies. It could happen, it just doesn't feel possible right now. That's the voice of depression, alright. It doesn't believe in good "coulds" and positive possibilities. But they are still there, the depression just won't let you see them.
Hope you are able to get useful help (oh, the "if you just" response is sooo frustrating, isn't it?!) and feel better soon. Lots of . Keep us posted ok? That is why we're all here. To listen and understand, especially when it seems no one does in real life. Like Trippin' says, remember that we are real people behind our avatars. So, we are in real life, just not close by in proximity of geography, but close by in proximity of experience.

[NikkiLLL]

Thank you both
i don't know what to say. means a lot, thank you
its true everything you said but i feel stuck and literally all by myself. everything really is hopeless. and no i'm not worth it.

Originally Posted by NikkiLLL

Thank you both
i don't know what to say. means a lot, thank you
its true everything you said but i feel stuck and literally all by myself. everything really is hopeless. and no i'm not worth it.

Please hang in there...

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Johnny Be Good

Please hang in there...

Yes he's right. Stay strong. Keep posting and hang in there. We are here

[Victoria'smom]

It sounds like your dealing with the flu and a un-supportive family. I know it's lonely but that's why we're here to support each other

Should've, could've and would've have all been outlawed in our because it's S***ing on yourself. Once you apologize it's in their court to forgive or let their bitterness eat them alive. Really not your problem at that point.

As for your aunt she may understand. What she said to you maybe how she feels when dealing with her own issues. I was the first in my family to get help and medication, later my grandma started medication and said she wish they had that when she was younger.

The clarity is for yourself because mental illness is stigmatized. Try to stay strong and keep those appointments because that will really help you get out of the depression. You may want to go on a walk just to get out and catch some sun.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by NikkiLLL

i have nothing. no one. i can't feel anything but pain and regret. even my body can't take it anymore. for the last 2 days i've been feeling feverish and everything hurts. i can't stop crying.
this turned out to be worse than i thought. yesterday i tried to tell my aunt about everything. my visit to a psychiatrist who gave me an "initial" diagnosis. that was over a week ago i never went back. when i mentioned i could have a mental illness she was like don't say that. and she kept telling me that i wouldn't feel this way if i'm closer to God if i pray more which infuriates me because she doesn't understand. other people are not very likely to understand either. i always thought that when i finally get help it will be a time of clarity. i'd understand why i did the things i did and have something better to say to apologize to the people i've hurt. that was what kept me going. that someday people will understand & forgive me when they know how sorry i am and how i never mean to hurt anyone. now its pretty clear thats not gonna happen. i don't have any energy to keep trying. it feels over.
i wanted to let someone know how i feel but no body in my life cares anyway. and i don't really expect you to either.

I care and Im here to listen. If we could only make our loved ones understand. They just dont get it and how could they. They have nev felt the extremes that we feel. They feel normal, and if you have ever felt normal it is quiet and blah. They have no idea what its like to live on adrenaline or to be so deeply depressed you fade away into the background. They get upset but never to the extent that we do, they get happy but will never feel the euphoria that we do when manic. They can feel sad but not know what its like to pray for death because taking one more breath seems so hard. They get mad but don't get the exploding feeling that we have when our heads are about to bust open from the blood running to it. They don't know what its like to have a small ordeal feel like the end of the world. Its not fair, it sucks but the truth is they can feel sympathy and try to be empathetic but they will never truly know and we cant blame them for it we can only encourage them to read all they can until they can understand to the point they accept you for who you are.

Just know that you can come here and we do understand. Mental illness is just like any other illness. A person with cancer wouldn't feel any different if they prayed an extra time every day. It doesn't work that way. Yes being close to God helps me at times but it doesn't take away the fact that I am sick. I wish it were that simple. I wish I could make your family understand. Can you maybe provide your family with literature on bipolar. My husband read "loving someone with bipolar disorder" It helped him understand a lot of the things I do or have done in the past. It helped him to realize that this is real and its not going away. He now knows what to look for when I am being triggered or am going into a cycle. It makes a world of difference that he knows and understands what he does.

Having a diagnosis can be a moment of clarity because there is a reason for the madness. You can now start the process of living with your disease instead of around it. You can learn more about yourself and teach others around you more about the disease. You can apologize for things you have done and finally forgive yourself because there is a reason you did it, you were sick. Its not an excuse but it is why it happened. Now you learn from it and grow from it and move on. If others cant or wont understand than that is their problem, they have issues of their own to hold things done in a bipolar episode over you. You were sick, now you are sorry and it should be history. If it was something huge it may just take time for them to realize you were sick and come around again. Its not the end. Its the beginning for you. I hope you run out and get all the literature you can find and teach your loved ones whats been going on with you and you will find comfort and understanding in it too.

Hugs to you if you ever need to talk pm me anytime.

I already know that I f'ed my life all up and feel like killing myself, because I already have...

I feel like walking in front of a speeding truck on the highway or in front of a train

[Moose72]

Sometimes I don't think even psych ppl understand how we feel. My mind just isn't me!

[NikkiLLL]

thank you all so much
i'm feeling more or less the same. just lying in bed under the covers. refusing to leave the house or talk to people. need to be preserving some energy.
i guess things don't make sense for me right now. i mean how do you go on when there's no point? people get help so that they can go back to their normal lives. i have nothing to go back to. everyone hates me. i hate me. thats a lot of hate.
my aunt was about the only one i had left. and she just confirmed all my fears and more.
i'm sorry i'm being depressing.
you're all amazing & inspiring people. i wish i knew how to be that strong.