in terms of sexual attractiveness, just how horrible is it to be fat?

Did send D. a shortened version of the first letter. Did call his theory a delusion and did recommend neuroleptics - the European term for AP's. Said that if I ever hear anything like this on Skype, I will ban him; on email, I will filter out his address; and at home, I will immediately go live with bff or my former teacher (he knows both well). Told him to think hard about whether he can manage what I am asking for, because if he cannot, I'd rather go live with bff from the outset. Told him at the end that I am happy with him in all other regards - this is my only complain.

Will see the new guy, G., tomorrow.

Good for you !

I often tell people close to me " think really hard before you tell me something because you can't UN-say it and I won't forget it.

Ha! I like it.

So far he has been defensive and started remembering the times when I treated him poorly in the previous millennium. I wrote that I cannot undo that, and no one has that kind of power, but if there is something he does not like now, he should let me know and I will try to make it better. No reaction. I then recalled his story about a psych nurse. He had a female psych nurse - a woman of certain age. He says that of all the psych nurses she was the best, and he was sorry to see her move up to an administrative position. She was overweight and liked eating sweets, and he brought it to her attention that she should not be indulging. That story simply infuriated me, but I did not say anything right away. Well, today I wrote to him saying that look, Lithium that I take does absolutely nothing bad to my memory and I remember everything that you have said, including the story about the psych nurse. What you said to the psych nurse was simply abominable. What I am requesting of you is not some special nice treatment but something that is within the right of every individual. You did not have the right to tell your psych nurse what not to eat. Your mother (H-B: his mother tells him that he needs to lose his belly) did not raise you right. If your mother tells you to lose your belly, it does not give you right to go through life telling other people what not to eat. And I am sorry that I on my end said things about your needing to lose weight - do be assured that it was just in response to what you said -- basically provoked by you, and I would not do it again.

One would have thought that this sort of letter would bring the story to a peaceful resolution, but no... He emails back with "My mother is right".

OK, since that did not work out, I did something hurtful. I said - look, your "wife" (she has never lived with him and they see each other several times a year, hence quotation marks) has really small breasts. Why do not not pester her asking to increase her size? For two reasons: one, you understand that breast size is genetic, and two, she is not the kind of person who would tolerate such pestering for a split second. Well, weight gain as we age is also largely genetic which is something you should have learned had you read scientific literature and stopped believing your delusional theories. (H-B: he told me that he hates statistics). I know that you hate statistics - this is another thing I remember because i do not suffer any ill effects from Lithium and remember everything; ok, that is too bad but if you got your medical degree at some point you should be equipped with minimal skills to read scientific literature. Then you would have learned that weight gain as we age is to a large extent genetic - not as much as breast size, not 100%, but to a large extent, and that is why you have no success losing weight despite stubbornly applying your masochistic methods. So that is it about genetics. As to being the kind of person who would not tolerate pestering, well, I have decided to become such a person as well.

No response. Do not know if he has read it given the time difference.

I followed up with another letter explaining that the reason I used to tolerate pestering is two-fold. One, I felt guilty. Two, I was used to this sort of treatment from ex. Well, the guilt feeling has been exhausted. It was big, but not without its limits. As to ex, he was less demanding in his day and age than you - he never complained about thick ankles but rather treated my body as perfect without flaws but later on when I gained weight he would call me names and humiliate me. And, I am done with him and will not tolerate people like him in my life anymore. Believe me, I will have no trouble finding people who would not do that.

Ok, so I said that.

Then I wrote about the yoga teacher friend.

Now I will call him and assess if he has comprehended my message. If he has, fine. If he has not, he will get a letter which I have already drafted that says that in the past his erection was just amazing, but not anymore, which is probably partly due to long history of smoking, and I send him to google do search for "smoking penis size" and partly for sure to a very detrimental visual effect that his belly creates. I do not care about muscles elsewhere in the body, but I do care about the size and that is why I need a flat belly. When will you finally achieve the flat belly?

***

Got it? Do you like being talked to like this? And... I am right, no? If your mother is right, then I am right, too. By saying that your mother is right you asked for this letter. I wanted to say this to you for a long time, but felt sorry for you and didn't. And now, I think it is the best mirror I can give you. Look in this mirror and enjoy.

***

So that is what he is going to get if more peaceful tools do not work. And I think it is a perfect mirror because to keep telling a woman that she used to have a perfect figure but does not anymore is the same as to say to a man that he used to have a substantial erection but does not anymore. I think it is perfectly fair. A bit cruel, perhaps, but fair.

He agreed not to do it again. He said all sorts of BS besides that, such that that I do not and have never had any sense of duty and have not changed a bit and have always been concerned about my self-interest only, but he agreed, which got it out of receiving the heavy-hitter letter. Hopefully this is it, without any continuing arguments, with him.

Just a quick deviation from your emails to him. Someone may have suggested it already, haven't read whole thread.

With all the bicycling you're probably gaining muscle mass & loosing inches. You also mentioned your appetite isn't so good.
Have you measured chest, waist, hips to check this? Are your clothes more loose?
You're doing so good with meds, sleep & taking up for yourself!!

Now, keep us informed on how this friendship (?) works out.

I do not have a tape measure, but I just went shopping with my friend Zoe who says that I have lost weight, so it must be visible. And the clothing feels looser. This is all good.

I like how you put a question mark near "friendship"!

you mentioned you remember everything. THAT'S what feels so familiar to me about you. I don't know if it's an IQ thing or another brain thing or what. but that is unusual. other people really don't remember that much of their personal history, in as much detail. it's not like that lady from Taxi, where you remember every day, but it's still a lot. just a comment.

Oh Hamster, I think you should get a tape measure, and try not to rely on a scale if you use one. It's not very accurate especially when you are building muscle at the same time, which is heavier than fat.

Not that either are needed really, you can rely on yourself to know how you feel about your body, I don't think you have body dysmorphia or anything. But if you did want to check than I would go with the tape measure over weighing yourself.

OK, I will get a tape measure. I feel better - that is the most important thing.

The tape measure has arrived, so I will start tomorrow. Today, I want to draft a graceful, uplifting email to D.

Since I asked D. to stop comment on my weight and stop telling me not to eat some foods, our relationship has changed. He no longer skypes me daily. The plan is still for me to visit him in winter and this weekend he was going to finally (after I nagged for a month non-stop) buy theater and concert tickets for us.

In the interests of openness and disclosure, and to prepare him for a change in our sexual practice (should he opt to still have sex with a woman who places boundaries around herself and makes other people respect them, which remains to be seen) which would consist of, simply, the necessity to use condoms, I want to tell D of my new r/s with G, the local friend in the Bay Area.

Here is a draft of the letter. Lily is D's wife. I should probably put "wife" in quotation marks because they have never lived together. Making bead necklaces is a hobby I will take up this weekend. For the record, D is 56 but looks boyish and acts boyishly so it is hard to address him as an adult.

"Hello,

This is going to be a little long... because it is important. I am going to address you as an adult long-term friend of mine. I actually have some positive news, which is unusual for me. A new man, to be sure. His name is G, he will soon turn 47, and he is the ex first husband of my widwife who delivered Julia 12 years ago. He and the widwife are still best friends and they have two children together here in the Bay Area, one adult and the other, almost adult. He also has a woman and two sons with her in CITY NAME and he spends half of his time in CITY NAME (one month here followed by one month there and back). That is the lifestyle he prefers. I am not bothered by his lifestyle in the least bit.

He is very caring, attentive, and protective, and I hope to form an attachment to him with time. No, I do not love him, but I appreciate him.

I trust that you would be truly happy to hear that I am no longer completely alone in the Bay Area, just as I would be truly happy, any time, to hear that you and Lily got back together and you are no longer alone in CITY NAME. Or, should you find someone else, I'd be equally happy to hear about it.

My relationship with you should not be impacted at all in my book. If you decide that it should be impacted, I would be hugely disappointed but I will respect your decisions, whatever they are.

I told G about you and he was really happy for me. He cannot not see that I lead a very austere existence here in the Bay Area and he was happy to learn that with you, I would get a break from this bleak existence, complete with fun, theaters, art exhibitions, and the like. So I definitely hope that just as he was happy to learn about you, you would be equally happy to learn about him.

I want to start making the bead necklace for Lily, so please let me know what colors and shapes she prefers. I really look forward to it!

Kiss you,

H-B"

Hammy ...you really are a fascinating woman!...

I can never ever keep up with you...despite my abundant creativity...you still fascinate me....

I wish I could be more assistance!...my brain is eccentric...I wish I could help you more...

Your mere being on my thread is truly helpful, dear DM! If you could just come over and help me find my damn keys so I could open the mailbox and retrieve the letter from p-doc that says that I am stable, that would be SUPREME! Come over here from Aussieland!

ok!!...stop it all right there hammy baby!!

little letterbox so terrrible a waiting you she does makes her suffer no more no more bad!!

weirdo my way of sayin..."hey!!..hammy you don't need to wait...even read when it arrives a letter ...that determines your personal credibility!!..."

sh..it...NO!!....I moved all cool when I thought that up and it was easy..

Hammy...how bout a letter from me??

"here she is a meticulous woman just needs some help to calm the F...k down...she knows and thats handy as hell...she is sweet and complete....

just don't let her burn out!!...she will do this try to it's so natural but it means only her heart is HUGE...hard to match she needs protection.....

...and her mind needs attention...not because there is anything wrong with it!...just to validate and calm it down...

just to calm it down...just to give her the comfort and rest she deserves...just to relax her...she knows..."

there is your letter dear Hammy..

love...DM

umm..I hope I didn't screw up there Hammy....?

I don't do details too well I just see the things I see thats all...

and all anyone wants is intimacy.....just to be held and someone to not let go cos I won't let the hands hold!....but if 'they' ....don't let go and just keep hangin' on...then....I don't know what thats like...but I reckon we all need it....

that would be really cool....some kind comfort!!

yeah...you are stable....in every personal unstable way...

and there is a beautiful honesty in that!!

I'm the same and I will kick my mailbox into the street

Hammy you know I'm ...well, different...

please I don't want to shut you down.....I know you like to talk...

I have a finality about things and I don't think that helps you...I'm not sure...

I don't want to upset you....get in your way....

but I am here for you...

just I will always be a bit different...

So a friend of mine read my letter to D. and found it very good. So I will send it tomorrow.

Decided not to wait until tomorrow and sent it. Hope it is well received. It is an elegant letter.

All is well. He said that he is glad for me. He told me what colors his wife likes for the necklace. Neat.

All is well. Good on you honey. I'm very happy for you.

At least something is going well! Thanks.

He called on Skype and was beyond nice.

Another datapoint. To answer the original question: no, it is not horrible, I am still sexually attractive, but... after a many year break, saw Charles, an old lover from my past, someone I met 19 years ago, and he did tell me that I need to exercise to lose weight. So he noticed the difference. I said that I am exercising and am losing weight. He said that more is needed. It was not the focus of the discussion, unlike with D., but a mention in passing, as a part of a general conversation about taking good care of myself, not doing crazy things, not giving away life savings, not giving in to demands, not doing this, not doing that..., and, by the way, losing some weight and wearing sexier clothes. In regards to clothes, he did not know that I was on my last clean clothes because I had misplaced my laundry room keys, so looking sexy was not quite on my mind - being in clothes that did not smell was plenty good for the moment.

Well for me I like me a thick chick I dont think fat is an appropriate word to day its just plain rude. Im a thick guy meself so no harm to be "fat" Do I enjoy being oversized not particualrly but its what I am so deal with it. And "Fat" chicks turn me on I have always been attracted to the larger women. They are just so hot.

Cool! It is cool that we are hot.