in terms of sexual attractiveness, just how horrible is it to be fat?

I'm
Sorry spelt Tomopax?

It is a psychoactive medication that causes massive weight loss in many people. It has some modest mood stabilizing properties and is quite effective as a migraine preventative in low doses. I am going to ask for it as a migraine preventative. I do not expect a massive weight loss because the dose would be small, but I hope for some.

He told me that there was a referendum in Switzerland about smoking in public places. The proposal had a $20K fine for smoking in public places. 2/3 of people voted against the proposal. So he is happy for the Swiss who defended their right to smoke! I said that for myself, I am happy to live in a state that protects my right to eat in a smoke-free restaurant. He told me about so called "smoke-free zones" in european restaurants. But I know that these zones are meaningless: the smoke easily travels in the air from one place to another.

@Hamster. I am overweight - got it on prednisone and it is slowly (very) coming off just by eliminating certain high carb useless 'foods' such as soda, packaged cereal, baked goods and candy etc. This was not easy and they had to go one at a time. I still struggle with desserts.

My husband gained a great deal of weigh over the last few years, he is now over 270 lbs -but to me, his sexual attractiveness has almost nothing to do with his weight and everything to do with his humanity, his lively mind, his sensuality, his lovely skin, his scent etc. It may be different from a male point of view. Men are often visually stimulated and some are put off by excess body weight, expecting women to look like the anorexic, plasti-boobed, airbrushed Playboy models. But just as many men like a bit of sensual body fat. They might like the way clothes hang on a skinny model, but in bed, many love the sensuality of the fuller figure.

I think it best to be honest up front with your lover. Gently let him know, or see you on Skype, that you have gained weight over the years. He probably expects it since many women do as they mature. My feeling is, that if he cares deeply for you, his response will be based on that, since you speak of his kindness and other wonderful qualities. It might be time to trust in your own value as a human being and in your lover's warmth and caring. Your worth as a sexual being, has nothing to do with weight and everyhting to do with love, caring and communication. Hope this helps a little as one overweight woman to another.

Thank you! That was wonderful!

You know what? I never could have imagined that - he is coming and I am not only overweight, but covered with flea bites (got it from one of my cats, Maddy) all over, including breasts! I told him - did not want it to be a surprise. So far he sounds pretty horrified; we will see how he will react when he sees my flea bites up close!

I honestly love a overweight man. Who knows. Maybe a fetish but I think if you possess your great personality and just work your thang confidently, everything will fall into place. If he's turned off, we'll that's his problem. Might hurt but he just isn't good for you then. I've been up and down so many times through the years and i worked the confidence (even if I faked it) and the guys didn't run. Use that passion word I love. Am I going against what other people said? Uh oh.

I am no small girl.... My husband used to make me feel bad about it, guess what i got fatter!! Not by choice, I guess just depression
Honestly I could give 2 sh*ts less what anyone thinks of me and my weight, I am attractive, I am sexual and upto 5 weeks ago I was having sex with someone COMPLETELY NUDE LIGHTS ON and guess what dumb dumb didn't realize I was preggers, he did say one time ur getting a lil belly how cute. I never saw him again, I was convinced he would figure it out and tell someone but screw that hampster ur beautiful, ur more than weight, a womans confidence radiates any barbie lookin chick ANYDAY!!! My friends have never understood why I can walk into a room/store/party/bar and ALWAYS get someone if dared/wanted/told I couldn't etc. My secret... Confidence

I dont know you well enough to make any judgement comments, hamster, but to answer your actual question- I think a woman is more beautiful w/ some meat on her bones! I think skinny, bony women look like pre teen boys! I think there is nothing more attractive than a curvy woman with some substantial t n a! And yes, that comes with extra weight other places- so what!????

So... I have the answer to my question. The answer is based on a very limited experience with two men - ex and D. They are completely unanimous in their judgment: both prefer a thinner me (not too thin, but "just right"). So being fat is not horrible - to put it bluntly, the guy still rises to me, but it is most definitely suboptimal.

This is what I heard from D. As a reference point, I weigh 180 pounds being 5'5'', which makes for BMI=29+, which is high overweight but not obese. When he saw me on Skype, I weighed 187-189 pounds

-- "25 years ago you were more compact" (me but not saying it out loud: "Well, that can be said about almost every 40-y-o woman")
-- referring to the fact that after 25 years ago I've decided to pay keen attention to him - "At this rate in 20 years we will be married - I hope you will get thin again by then"
-- "You've lost weight since I saw you on Skype" (wow, appreciating a 7-pound difference)
-- "I do not know what to do with your this boundless body"
-- "I do not need such a big ***".
-- "You were never too thin, but just right and I was never turned on as much by any other BODY".

I will pause here. So I get to take the prize for being the love of his life and the most sexual attractive woman to date (in particular, with the best breasts). I think I can safely assume that there won't be any woman to beat me because if it is not only whom a guy is looking at but also his hormones that make for the most exciting moments, and at his age he won't get the same hormones he got when he was young. So I can just take the prize called "the most sexually attractive woman in his life" now, without waiting for him to die. What should I do with that prize? Frame it and display it on the wall? At any rate, this is all about the past - now I am too fat.

I was thankful that D. is so open about it. At least I know right away that there is a problem. With ex, it was very different. He would suggest that I exercise to feel better. He would say that he did not care but for my own sake it would be better to lose weight. And years passed like that. And then one day he exploded. And it turned out that he minded my being fat (at my worst, 192 pounds) very much. He blamed me for not preserving the figure I had when I met him. In many ways, he was right: I did not exercise back then and I ate too much. When he married me, he hoped that my character would change in many ways, but the figure was exactly the way he liked it (basically, a thin but curvy body with t&a and a distinct waistline). So he ultimately said that I had subjected him to having to "***** a heap of fat" - yes, these were his words. And I had had no idea because he had been a very passionate lover. I had no idea that he had been persevering through sex with me. That he had missed caressing a taut body - my fat body with skin creases did not do it for him. He thought that vaguely referring to "losing weight would be better for you" he would motivate me, and I just wasn't getting it! So D.'s openness about it is refreshing, in comparison with the bomb ex dropped on me back then. I remember one day ex showed me truly beautiful pictures of an alternative model, nude and semi-nude. I really liked her. He said "Why are you getting excited, you were at least as good if not better?" I had nothing to say but "I know". Only after he exploded I realized why he asked his question in such a bitter voice.

Maybe I just do not have luck with men. Maybe I should seek out new men who did not see me 15-25 years ago when I was in prime shape. Maybe I should find a man /men who will love me "as is". But in the meantime, I WILL try to regain my old figure. My p-doc, who is going to hear a shortened version of this story, will receive a request for Topomax. The p-doc is very thin himself - I hope he will want to make me thin, too, using the tools at his disposal. Prior to D's visit, I thought that I would try Topomax for prevention of migraines and for weight loss but would stop if Topomax gives me cognitive side effects. I thought that being sharp was paramount to me. Not anymore: at this moment I am prepared to deal with cognitive side effects so frequently experienced on Topomax provided that the drug is effective for weight loss. Further, I will switch from using public transport to biking to work (1 hour total commute time a day) to burn extra calories. I will not tweak my diet because I am already eating a high-protein, reduced-carbs diet (think lots of leafy greens and plain greek yogurt), and the only thing I can do better is eat less fruit but I love fruit too much so fruit gets to stay. Beyond that... I have briefly searched for information on liposuction and discovered that I am a good candidate for it, since I exercise and eat well. People who don't gain weight again following a lipo, but people with healthy habits do very well. And laser lipo shapes the skin well which is what I would could use. Now I just need to find a job so that I can pay for the procedure. I never knew I would be considering lipo ever in my life but what can I do if I only get men who are interested in my looks! And for a man who deals with some very deep issues in his poetry, D. is very interested in the surface side of things. He was glad my smooth skin (where there are no flea bites courtesy of my cat Maddy), lips, and hair stayed the same over the years. So my hairdresser will get a thank-you note and a rave Yelp review for masterfully covering my grey (I do not have a lot of it but what there is is better covered). So he is just very visual, very responsive to visual beauty. I guess he cannot help it - it is just the way he is. He even confided in me that back then he was surprised that he was so drawn to a woman with thick ankles (my ankles are thick, but guess what - I am happy with my legs because they are strong and fast - I value function and do not dwell on form). And he noticed that my daughters are beautiful head to toe, including slender, exquisitely shaped ankles.

His ideas on why people on psych meds gain weight are entirely ridiculous. He thinks that people start eating more without noticing it. I told him that I polled a forum participants about worst side effects of meds and the "winner" was weight gain, reported by more than 40% of respondents. Could 40% of people not notice that they are eating more?! Not 4% but 40%? I could have showed him the graph of my weight, pointing out the spike caused by a one-month long trial of Zyprexa. Clearly, one cannot eat SOOOOOO much more in a span of a month, without noticing. But I did not show him the graph. I am just not in the mood to be argumentative. I am in my mellowest mood at present, focused on making amends to him and being nice. In addition to things I knew I did to him (think flaunting interest in other men), there were things he reports but I do not remember. It turned out, I would agree to come meet him someplace but later either would not show up or be late by many hours. I have no recollection of doing it. It turns out that his best poem, according to the critics of his works (besides obvious talent, he has a second degree in literature in addition to the MD), was written ten years after such a "no show" by me and expressed the feelings he had while waiting until 5AM (we were on a trip together). So now, for a change, I am sorry for him, I am sorry for what he went through (he well in love with me when I was 16 and all he got from me was a short fling when I was 25 or so) and I am not inclined to set him straight, to make him a more compassionate doctor by revealing the true effects of psych meds, or tell him that he is "objectifying" me. I am not inclined to do any of that at all. I am not trying to win any argument or prove my point.

I know this is a very old thread, but I have some thoughts I would like to share.

There are still a lot of people in this world that are biased to people who are over-weight, or shallow. Attractiveness has nothing to do with weight. I have been extremely attracted to girls that are larger, and girls that are petite. To me, it honestly doesn't matter. Believe me, I have also been with larger women who were sexier than a lot of smaller women I have dated and also very good in bed. Being small certainly doesn't mean you are better in bed, or sexier by any means.

I prefer "normal" women. I am a "normal" guy. I am not extremely skinny, and not extremely fat (though I like to tell myself I am). I have been a lot thinner in the past, and a lot heavier in the past. I don't have a perfect weight, and I would certainly like to lose some but in terms of the majority of the US I would say my weight is decent. So I want a normal woman. I don't want a woman with a waist I could put two hands around. That's just not my thing.

With that being said, attractiveness comes in all shapes, sorts, and sizes. I have been attracted to extremely tiny girls, but generally it just isn't something that attracts me. I like women who aren't extremely small but aren't conceited either. That is just the type of person I am. My ex was pretty small, but not too tiny. She also had less confidence than anyone I have ever dated. I loved telling her how beautiful she was. She thought she was ugly, overweight, and all that. She wasn't.

I am probably a minority, but there are a lot of guys that like some meat on their women, if you will. I have known quite a few. You just have to find that guy, that sees beauty from the inside first and not the outside. Being attracted to your partner is extremely important, but you can actually become attracted to someone by their personality when at first you thought "nah". It has actually happened to me. You just have to find that type of guy, and you will.

I am not sure if D is or not, but to me it doesn't sound like it would be a REAL relationship. Don't you want something real?

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. I believe that. I also believe that there is SOMEONE out there for everyone, you just have to find him or wait for him. It will happen. We have stages in our lives where someone is meant to be there right THEN, but someone better will come along later. That's how I have always felt. Don't put yourself down because of weight. There are a lot of guys that would want exactly what you have to offer. It certainly doesn't make you less attractive or sexy, in my opinion. We are who we are, whether we are light; heavy; tall; short. Weight doesn't change who we are or what we are on the inside.

It is nice to hear a dissenting opinion. Thank you.

Dear Hamster,

Your post made me sad tonight. The problem is not you, it is society and its ideals. The other problem is ignorance about bipolar and the side effects of the medications.

I am very sorry for the battery of negative comments that you have experienced because of weight gain. I really wish that you had experienced empathy instead.

The most important thing is that you are happy with yourself versus what others think. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, and only for yourself.

You deserve someone who accepts you for who you are now. The only constant is change and we all do as we age. To be held to the standard of your sixteenth and twenty fifth year, now that is ridiculous!

I feel very sad too. I don't think you want to hear anything negative about either of these men... but I respect neither. I am so sad about this topic, it might be a trigger so forgive me if I offend. I really don't like D. commenting on your daughters' shape, admiring their ankles even. This scares me.

I think these men used you for your body. And now that it's changed mainly due to the bp illness, they're dissappointed. What about just being thankful she's alive and enjoy the days. It's horrible, it's like the exploitation of Marily Monroe. Hamster, men who are easily swayed by the seduction of a woman's body will not make the best mates, unless you are both only looking for a superficial porno life. And any woman can do this with the eyes, smile, alluring walk.

I am sad to hear skinny women compared to adolescent boys. I know you mean no harm Momma, but some of our friends here are really struggling to gain weight and just can't.

I'm not petite, I'm 5'7" 170 lbs. I think this is why my boyfriend barely wants to have sex with me despite he's always told me I'm the best matched partner for him sexually that he's ever had. I'm suddenly very insecure. I think men want a little girl. I think men want a little girl they can hold while having sex standing up. He used to do that with me when I was 145 lbs., 7 years ago. I just feel so sad right now like I need to starve myself, get lipo, a boob job even tho I'm a C cup. And I'm too tall, I want to be 5'2". And I'm worrying about pimples on my nose that aren't even really there, and the pores on my nose are too big. And my nails won't grow long, and my pinkies are crooked. Wtf am I doing, I've come so far to love my body but within minutes I'm hating every curve and imperfect flaw. This is not good.

We're here struggling to stay sane with this weird bp we've been given. Adding the burden of trying to make my body a certain shape that it will never do, not a good place for mind and self-esteem to go.

WEIGHT does not matter, should not matter. Friendship should be foremost, is the person interesting, do they stimulate your mind, are they kind, courteous... that's the sort of real and kind qualities that would lead up to a compatible sexual relationship.

[QUOTE=Blue Poppy;263065
To be held to the standard of your sixteenth and twenty fifth year, now that is ridiculous![/QUOTE]
To give D. credit, he understood that my breasts would never be as they were at 16 (virginal. Shape) and even 25 (post one pregnancy and 17 months of breastfeeding). He was shocked to learn that I breastfed for a total of 8.5 years, each daughter to 4.5 years but he agreed that given such a history, my breasts are beautiful. I was really pleased.

Both ex and D. do not use porn. They do not read men's magazines, even something as soft as GQ. Ex does not watch any TV, D. watches little TV. They both cannot be characterized as people who are swayed by mass media stereotypes. Their preferences are more ingrained than that.

Blue, as far as I know, C cup is the most desired size when women opt for breast implants.

Well, I have very low self-esteem. I am first to admit that. And i used to be small. I'm curves. I one was an hourglass. but I'm overweight, about the same as you, hamster. I recently lost a bunch of weight due to my illness, but I'm still BMI 28 (which, by the way, only goes off of your height and weight and not your age, gender, bone mass, muscle mass, or anything like that....)

But, my husband says I'm sexy and I'm not in any type of shape. Not only am I overweight, but it's that jelly type fat. Regardless, he still says I'm sexy. He's not one to just say something. He's a very blunt person. If he doesn't like the outfit I'm wearing, he will say. If I need to fix my hair or whatever, he will say so. So, it's not idle flattery or "I have to say it, she's my wife."

So really, it's just the guy you're with. I'm sure a lot of guys will look at me and say I'm ugly. But, he doesn't and his opinion is all that matters in that area.

My husband says the sexiest thing about a woman is her confidence. He tells me even though I have gained 50lbs he is still sexually attracted to me because he is in love with me and my body. For me it is hard to show confidence at this weight because when I look in the mirror I dont see myself. I see a fat lady. He tries his hardest to make me comfortable and I am getting to the point that I let him see my body again. Trying to regain some cofidence because I may just be stuck this way forever. I do believe that our weight bothers us way more than it bothers them.

I believe some of the others are right. If this could possibly just be a one night stand, you dont want to lose what you do have for a little bit of pleasure. On the other hand if this could turn out to be something. Falling in love with a friend is the way to go. I married my best friend and I couldnt imagine it being any other way. I can just be myself with him at all times. We can sit in a silent room all night long and be completely comfortable. No awkward silence just silence and its nice.

Hmmmm seriously , have these men themselves not aged? Sorry hamster but I think they are ridiculous. That is my opinion and I am sticking too it. Attractiveness is not all about size, or breast shape or whatever. It is objectifying, it isn't right. Women are more than just a body put here to pleasure men, and this is not what we as women should be pandering too. I already told you tho what I thought about this, you need to find someone who loves you for you, what happens as you age even more, maybe arthritis sets in, or hair loss...

We do indeed have women on this forum of every size. And you know what... I would take a small guess and say that most of us do NOT love our bodies. Skinny women being compared to teen boys is wrong, sorry. And I am sorry to just pick out this one comment, cause the anorexic, barbie, plastered on boobs etc etc... Just WOW!... is all I am gonna say. That is just as bad as people saying things about larger women. I think it's time for women to stop being in body competition and start being friends with each other. I really do sometimes think women are women's own worst enemy. There is a way we can all feel confident and good about our bodies, but I am afraid I don't think that comes in the form of putting others down to do so. It makes me very sad that is seems to be perfectly ok to put others down in this way, yet at the same time speak about love yourself, confidence yadda yadda yadda... Why would someone want to get fake boobs in this day and age? I do not even wonder.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but the comments were harsh. I wouldn't bother addressing this if I didn't really think it is a huge part of the problem.

We need to come together and be accepting of each other, maybe then we will be better able to accept ourselves.

I don't love that I deal with anorexia, that I am five feet tall, that I have a small chest, that I have aged, that I am considering fake boobs, that I have no curves, that I do not feel like a grown woman. Putting down larger women who are different than me is not going to help me get there either.

Hamster, I know this... but my point is insecurities send my fragile brain to this place where I'm not good enough, or hate my body. I get compliments from men and women on my breasts. Even get questioned if they're real. But when I see my bf's eyes drift or he mentions someone has great rack, he doesn't say this to me about my body, and I start thinking I need a lift and may as well get implants as well. It's a spiral it's not healthy thinking.

I am with the wrong man. He doesn't compliment me, he's not romantic. He's 6'3 and getting a belly and gray hair, but he comments on my weight. My first husband use to tell me I could grow as big as a house and he'd still love me, love me more even cuz there would be more to love. And he is a smallish man, we used to share jeans when we were young hippies. I miss that.

There's this Asian guy down at the store near me and I love talking to him and I have a little crush. We talked about tea yesterday and he has this great smile. But he's like my height and probably weighs a lot less than me. This makes me wish even more I was a tiny girl. I don't think he'd go out with me. I think he just talks to be nice.

Anyway I'm not doing so well, things don't feel real right, everything feels so uncertain now and I'm kinda losing it, so I'm not making sense. But this world is all messed up, I mourn for it, I weep for it. I would cut off these C cup titties and throw them at news cameras, here have your piece of meat, a matching pair. I would do that if it would help anyone get their priorities straight, but really it would just get me a straight jacket.

Guys who look at little girls, guys who make a woman feel bad about her body to control her, can s.uck my big toe while I kick them in the face. Sorry for the anger, I'm not doing so well right now. I have that appraiser finally coming to inspect the house today, I tried to finish what the ex had been doing to fix up, but it's not done. Work is uncertain, I'm not sure if I can keep working, phone with IRS for an hour. I'm a horrible ball of stress right now.

Hamster, you deserve to find a wonderful man who is kind and sees your beauty inside and out. If he doesn't like how you look right now, he is not the right man. Don't get stuck in something like I am right now.

We are all beautiful. And, it's hard to see it with our own eyes. I know i don't see it in myself.

But what makes the world worth living in is that there isn't just one type of person. There isn't just one flavor of ice cream. There isn't just one color in the rainbow. And there isn't just one season of the year. We all have our preferances and dislikes, but we all make the world beautiful. And someone who doesn't see the beauty in you isn't right for you.

I by no means say any of this out of disrespect Hamster, Just my opinion.

I personally have no idea how you seem to be able to step back and analyze and deal with all the ins and out of how D and your Ex view you in terms of physical attraction to such microscoptic level. I have never ever been able to do something like this.

My husband is 50 there is no way I could would or should compare him to some guy I dated when I was 20. Everyones body changes good bad of indifferent. I have run into people I went to school with years agoooooooo . The have aged as they should as we all do . I have a ED that I have struggled with since I was about 10 years old .
I have been all different sizes though out the years .

As others have said society has tried to mash push and pull women into thinking we should all look a certain way.. In nature everything is different one ear of corn isnt exactly the same as the next , flowers are all slightly differant. no 2 animals are exact ..etc etc etc

The way I felt l after I read your post made my heart break. I seriously hope that dont really believe that all the negative stuff is really who you are or should even matter . I find there "view" of how you physically appear appalling ! You personally are doing all the things you can to be healthy ! Healthy doesn't not equal being skinny or looking perfect.

I think you are a beautiful person and looks have nothing to with any of it and it never matters to me in life in general. . You are kind and are always willing to comfort and help anyone and myself included on this forum...

I have to agree with some of the folks on here. D assessing your daughters like he was assessing you is just creepy and wrong. I wouldn't have let him anywhere near my girls after that. But that's just me.

Don't put so much stalk in what they said. I think for some reason you prefer stark honesty in the way men perceive you. At some point it just is going to wear you down and make you feel this bad about yourself. NO ONE should ever make you feel bad about yourself and you shouldn't let them do that to you. You've made great strides in getting down to the weight you are now, and are continuing to do it in a healthy fashion. Who do you really want to impress? Them or yourself? They don't deserve it.

Your signature reads that you're 35 lbs overweight. You can lose part of that before you see D, and it's not a huge number to begin with

Think of the people who have 100+ lbs to lose and it puts things into perspective. My hubby is an #$% about the weight I gained, but all in good time is how I am approaching things so I don't smoke. You can get to your target weight in a few months, actually so can I, but it takes work and discipline.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

Not to sound harsh, but uberfat was never admired. I am myself kinda baroque and had gotten "you are fat" crap... but if you happen to be unhealthily overweight... it's not even matter of society and their standards of beauty. ANd yes, I know, health reasons, yadda yadda, but I think it's important to keep yourself HEALTHY. Very overweight is not healthy... and I am not sure it should be encouraged. It's sorta like saying that tumor is beautiful. You can be a good and beautiful person despite being overweight... but obesity is nothing to be celebrated.

As somebody who is into women too... I myself prefer baroque angel type bodytype But there's curves and there's... "damn, you gonna die if you don't lose some of the weight".