[Beebizzy]

My pdoc recently signed me off work for a few days for paranoia/psychosis, neither of which is very severe. I am more or less able to identify my thoughts as incorrect (afterwards), but I don't know why they are there in the first place.

Example: it was the Belgian national holiday yesterday and my neighbour downstairs told me that there would be a military parade on our road. I started thinking, why are they on my road and not someone else's, my doctor has sent them to punish me etc etc. I know rationally that he could not have (?) but I could not shake the thought. In the end there was no parade, so now I am thinking that maybe the neighbour never said that, hell maybe she wasn't even there. Even though I 'know' that she did and she was. That sort of thing.

My mood is absolutely fine, so no other indication of illness at all.

So here's my question to the board: how do you live not being able to trust your thoughts and know what is real and what is not?

Secondly, how do you ensure other people trust you and don't write you off as 'mad' so to speak? How do you get credibility and dignity back?

I haven't told other people, just my pdoc and bf, but this is another thought I can't shake. So I am wondering what this board makes of this phenomenon, and how you guys manage this in your lives.

Thanks a lot - I'd really appreciate your input and suggestions.

BB

[eloquentdisaster]

I have a lot of de-personalization episodes (which, in case you don't know, is basically feeling like nothing is real, everything is a movie or something...) as well as having some de-realization (something that kind of makes you feel entirely separate from everything else). Because of that, I often can't trust myself. I have a friend who is really awesome. For some reason I never feel that he isn't real, or part of this unreality, or the outside world, or whatever. Whenever I begin experiencing the sense of unreality, I call him and ask him questions (like - 'did I really see suchandsuch today?' 'Did thisandthis happen?')
Perhaps trying to find someone you can trust like that would be beneficial.

I haven't had much success in having people not think I'm crazy. My mom is still too weirded out to talk about my disorder. The rest of my family doesn't know my diagnosis. My one friend (who I mentioned above) knows... that's about it (other than my doctors, of course). There is still a lot of mystification about bipolar and many other mental illnesses. I think the best course of action would be to explain the disorder to the person as fully as you can. If it is your doc, then just work on building trust. Most docs have seen a lot from other patients and wont be as flippant about you as someone who doesn't understand the disorder.

Originally Posted by Beebizzy

So here's my question to the board: how do you live not being able to trust your thoughts and know what is real and what is not?

Secondly, how do you ensure other people trust you and don't write you off as 'mad' so to speak? How do you get credibility and dignity back?

BB

1: it's tricky...I get paranoia episodes that just wreck me with anxiety. the worst ones I get these days involve where I live.

I live in group of apartments and there is no doubt I am the 'ill' one here. ambulances and police only have ever come here for me. My stability with home is so important or I will be on the street. I believe insistently that the other people are out to get me removed sometimes. when two or more vehicles arrive as the others get home from wherever I am certain they have been having meetings about me, talking about me despising me.

I can stay inside for days going crazy about it! the thing with paranoia I discovered ages ago is that I have to act as best I can as though what I imagine is happening aint happening even though I am so completely convinced otherwise. I basically "hope" it away. desperately.

eventually when I'm confident enough and emerge from the depression I go outside and nothings changed much.

so heres how it works...I have the 'paranoid' thought....and I have the 'thought that challenges it'...like a bad guy and a good guy....I just try focus on the good guy until more evidence arrives to show the bad guy wasn't there.

2: credibility and dignity I get from just getting on with the things I was doing better when I was well...takes a bit of time maybe not much... most everybody else are not aware of how insecure I am and just be gettin on with their own stuff yep.

....sorry such a long reply BB

[Beebizzy]

Thanks for your posts ED and DM!

ED, this is not really so much like depersonalisaton/dissocation, although I have experienced that too. But you are right,I have my bf as a 'sounding board' and he is very calm and always tells me what is real and what is a product of my mind. It helps a lot.

DM, the longer the better... I have never been as paranoid as you describe, but indeed I do the 'challenging' thing too. Have paranoid thought, say to self 'what would be more likely', good guy thought prevails, bad guy thought stays (intrusively) in the background. I am very grateful that I can still distinguish the good guy from the bad guy. But... IF I tell someone that there was someone following me at the bus stop (it 'happened' last Tuesday ), they say 'you're paranoid', the next time it happens for real, they still say 'you're paranoid'. Ya know?

Or, let's ask BB what she thinks of this idea - oh no, let's not, she has bad judgment and lives in cloud cuckoo land, let's discount her good ideas.

Pffff.

[Secretum]

BB, I think the first step is to trust yourself and not consider yourself "mad", at least not in a bad way. You are sick, not "crazy".

Yes, sometimes you cannot trust your thoughts. But this happens on some level even to healthy people. Some sane people commit suicide after a break-up, for example; in the moment, they are not thinking clearly. Some sane people value their jobs above their families and have other thoughts and feelings that could be seen as irrational.

I know that it is scary to not be able to trust your own thoughts. This happens to me a lot, especially when trying to determine whether something I've seen or heard was real or a hallucination. Something that I've found that helps is that in many cases it does not matter whether a given thought is "real" or not. For example, I sometimes hear music. Maybe it is coming from somewhere, but maybe it is a hallucination. Does it matter? No! I should just enjoy the music. In your situation, does it much matter whether or not your doctor sent the parade to punish you? Not really. The parade won't kill you, even if it is a punishment. Even in situations where you feel paranoid for your life (I sometimes think that someone has poisoned my drink because he is after me, for example), everyone dies somehow, so it doesn't really matter. Does this make sense?

Also, you are on A LOT of psychoactive medication. Your meds could be affecting your ability to think clearly. Maybe you could go off of some of your meds, or find a pdoc who will prescribe less for you?

Originally Posted by Beebizzy

Thanks for your posts ED and DM!

ED, this is not really so much like depersonalisaton/dissocation, although I have experienced that too. But you are right,I have my bf as a 'sounding board' and he is very calm and always tells me what is real and what is a product of my mind. It helps a lot.

DM, the longer the better... I have never been as paranoid as you describe, but indeed I do the 'challenging' thing too. Have paranoid thought, say to self 'what would be more likely', good guy thought prevails, bad guy thought stays (intrusively) in the background. I am very grateful that I can still distinguish the good guy from the bad guy. But... IF I tell someone that there was someone following me at the bus stop (it 'happened' last Tuesday ), they say 'you're paranoid', the next time it happens for real, they still say 'you're paranoid'. Ya know?

Or, let's ask BB what she thinks of this idea - oh no, let's not, she has bad judgment and lives in cloud cuckoo land, let's discount her good ideas.

Pffff.

I agree ....pffff

and...lets just agree also that your 'good guy' is heaps way better than their 'good guys' yep.

yours was harder to come by so must be better...

[Beebizzy]

Secretum, thank you, I absolutely understand you, and it does take the edge off things. I will continue to reflect on this...

For the meds, the Invega is only for one month to kill the psychosis and the valium is/was for 5 days for alcohol detox. Normally it's just Lamictal and Effexor (and OK, Seroquel for sleep). Contrary to how it looks , my pdoc is very much in favour of the minimum possible meds that do the trick. I agree though at the moment it's quite a bit - but temporary.

Thanks!
BB

[wotchermuggle]

I think that sometimes, people don't understand how much a mental illness impacts your everyday life. I try to explain, but often I get the sense they don't get it, don't care, or simply don't want to understand.

[MuseumGhost]

I have almost completely ceased trying to explain things to 'normies', unless I sense they happen to be in a particularly receptive mood. Because, otherwise, they don't absorb a thing.

My husband is unfortunately one of those people who seriously doesn't listen to much that I say. It has taken him so long to become aware of what I actually deal with on a daily basis---If the situation had been reversed, I know I would have made it a priority to, A: Listen as much, and as often, as possible, whenever he felt like opening-up to me about anything, and,
B: Researching his illness as much as possible, in order to be more supportive when needed.
He has done neither of these things, although he is in every other way a pretty good listener (for a man! :P), and fairly kind.

When I do open up to him, it seems like my opinion matters little; and there is a widening gulf between us that I cannot manage to close, no matter how I try. That's happening because of how he gently but definitely dismisses just about everything I have to say, period. It doesn't really make it any easier when he's nice about it, either.

I do not understand that 'distancing' thing that people do, at all.

Sadly, my doctor is not a particularly good listener, either; I'm hoping to change that situation soon, too.

I am pretty cut off where I live; and that doesn't help much. For the most part, I only open-up to a few close friends, online.

I get how all of this feels.

[ChristySpirals]

Forgive me, my head is starting to spin and I was unable to read the responses, if I repeat something sorry. If I'm off topic sorry.

I've had conversations with people too. The one that stands out is with a friend. I swear she told me she had an eating disorder in the past. She told me she had to eat a lot of aspirin because of headaches. I could relate because that was me in my past too. When I brought it up she acted like I had two heads. She denied everything. Is she lying, did it happen? I don't understand.

It freaked me out enough not to broach the subject again. It also makes me wonder how many other "conversations" I have had with people that I really didn't. Eff me this shizzit is crazy, mind blowing. Disheartening.

I don't feel like I am taken seriously anymore. I always feel under a microscope and it frustrates me beyond belief. I don't even know if I really am being watched so closely or if that is just paranoia.