[imperfectme09]

I don't know where to begin this. My mind is racing with a million thoughts, my heart filled with many feelings. maybe i should put my daily journal entry down:
7/24/2012
Feelings: sadness, anger, fear
high of the day: none
low of the day: continued fighting with my significant other; failing a test at school.
thoughts: I can't do anything right, I'm stupid, worthless, a waste of life. I'm a complete screw up with everything I do. my girlfriend might leave me and its my own damn fault, and what happens when i lose her, the girl whose stuck by me through everything? I'll be lost and alone, and fall deeper down the downward spiral I'm on with life. I'm ugly, and no one will ever truly love me because 1. I'm unlovable, 2. I'm hideous, 3. I'm too weird for my own good. everyone hates me, no ones on my side. I've been cheated in life, got the raw deal (emotionally that is, and with regard to relationships).

I've felt this way before, and its always triggered by something. you see, my bipolar disorder is caused by things that happen in life. if something good happens, i go manic, if something bad happens i go depressive. I'm in therapy and on several different medications, for ADHD and bipolar disorder. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict from my high school days, when i was bullied and tormented by everyone , and had no friends, turning to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of being physically, emotionally, and psychologically tortured because my ADHD and bipolar disorder were out of control at the time, and i had no social skills. ive had 13 relationships, all ended in failure. one girl was killed in a car accident, another broke up with on bad terms, another forced apart from by her over controlling father, 5 who cheated on me, 2 left me for their ex's 1 was all about sex, and one was emotionally abusive to me. the thing is with me: i have very low self esteem, low self confidence, a horrible sense of social skills, ADHD, bipolar disorder, ODD, and abandonment and rejection issues. I'm so depressed right now, and have no clue what to do. I'm not suicidal though. i just feel like life isn't worth the effort because I've faced a lot of failure in my life. now i'm in school to be a paramedic, and I'm close to failing out, because i skipped class days. the reason i did that was because my addictions came back, because i am so depressed and angry, drinking and smoking marijuana are the only things that seem to make me feel better. and my parents know about everything. they say if i get kicked out of paramedic, I'm out on the street. and i have no money and nowhere to go if that happens. i have no clue what to do about all this. i feel as if my bipolar disorder/ addictions have taken over my life, although i haven't drank or smoked marijuana in 2 weeks, the temptation because of the pain I'm in is there, and i don't want it to be. and then my current girlfriend situation. we've been on and off for 2 years. I love this girl more than anyone else, but we get into arguments about how she lives her life: she smokes weed which is a bad influence on me; she continually goes to clubs without me and dances with other dudes and then tells me about it.. and has said "I'm entitled to do whatever i want without cheating on you", which i think is wrong (when you have a girlfriend, your supposed to be loyal to each other, and i see her behavior as disloyalty. i mean, i dont go doing that stuff, but she does and thinks theres nothing wrong with it. and heres the thing, i love this girl, more than anyone else, because we do have a strong bond and weve been through a lot of stuff together, its just her behavior makes it hard sometimes. recently she chose to go clubbing with her friends instead of seeing me, like i wanted to see her because shes going away this week to the shore and i wont see her till august or september. so shes like completely changed her tune about me. she used to be so loving and caring, now shes just a cold hearted not caring person. she turns on me on a dime, whenever i get upset about her behavior, and gets pissed that i get pissed. on one hand she says she loves me and reassures me and gives me everything i need emotionally, then she does something hurtful to me, and then gets pissed that i get upset about it. i have no idea what to do, both about the her situation, and the other things. but with her, shes the only girl who i have been successful with relationship wise even though we keep breaking up and getting back together, and i'm really afraid to lose her, because she is my best friend and girlfriend, and if i lose her i lose myself, ive invested so much into our relationship. I can't lose her because if i do, i will lose who i am, i will lose my self, and i'm afraid that i wouldnt be able to get myself back, not only that but since every relationship but her ultimatly has failed, i feel as if i do lose her, i'll never find another relationship based on past experience.

moral of the story, my life is spiralling out of control and i need help. any suggestions?

[Ungar97]

Wow, bro I can relate to you in the drug and alcohol addiction. I am taking meds to take care of the gambling, drug and alcohol addictions in my life. I too didn't have many friends in high schoola and I have depression and bipolar. If your girlfriend is up to it I would suggest you two go to see a relationship counsler if you can both afford it. That's cool that you keep a journal. I keep a journal and I write poetry. Do you have any religious beliefs? I am a follower of Jesus Christ (christian). I am impressed that you had the will power to navigate the murky waters of 13 relationships. I have never had a girlfriend because I don't think I am compatable with many females. It sounds like you know what you want in a partner and you are not going to give up any time soon. At leasts you have your self respect. I will be praying for you.

Well, offhand, it seems to me that you have "too many eggs in one basket". But, first things first.

You need to see a psychiatrist to get on a mood stabilizer, clean up the other drugs and alcohol (because they make bipolar illness worse), and get yourself prepared to finish the paramedic course so that you have a job to be able to care for yourself.

I doubt very much that the girl you say you love so much is the right one for you.
Her loyalty is in question, in my view, and you need calmness, steadiness, and faithfulness in your life AFTER you are stabilized.

I would try very hard to put first things first by getting in to see a psychiatrist, then getting the work finished on the paramedic course, and try to start saving a little money. Getting order in your life is vital for the bipolar person (as it is for everyone).

With proper medication, restoring your brain chemistry to normal, and having a full-time job with no romance in your life until you've had a year of stability may go a long way to bringing you a life that you can live with, having peace and contentment. Those are two things to look for in an ordered life, and they will seem strange at first. So be prepared to start thinking about positive things you may do in your life as you regain your balance.

Your parents would very likely be willing to support you in your efforts if you hit a snag and need a little financial assistance as you pursue a new life for yourself. Try
to keep your independence, however, as much as you can.

Don't expect too much from the girl leaving hoping that she'll return in August or
September. That's not very encouraging, I don't think. You need more stability and
security before you invest so much in any one girl--preferably, a lady as you move
into a calm and serene life.

I wish you a lot of success in your efforts and hope you will continue to post as you feel the need to vent.

Genetic

[Trippin2.0]

Yip, agreed. Too many eggs, you gotta handle them 1 by 1. Bit of r/s advice, going forward, please, PLEASE do N0T invest more than your payout. Its ultimately not worth it (obviously) and losing yourself is MUCH too high a price to EVER pay, what would your gf want with you anyway if you were missing, gone, lost in the relationship? Who knows, maybe thats why she's being so indifferent to you, she probably hardly recognizes you... Also, your gf is a person, and should be treated as such, not a god to be worshipped, idolized or whatever, if, IF you break up, you CAN/WILL survive it, IF you CHOOSE to. Remember, she is not your oxygen, treating her as such is not only UNHEALTHY, its burdonsome for her. Bcoz you hold her to a higher standard than mere mortals, you hold her ransom for your happiness, when your happines is YOUR responsibility. She's a person, a flawed 1 just like the rest of us. didn't mean to ramble, good to have you aboard, hope you like it/us here! And hope you manage to derail the spiral

[~Christina]

Imperfect Welcome to PC

As others have said... WOW you do indeed have a full plate and that in its self can and is exhausting! I do agree that you should probably just work on YOU right now. You had had many relationships that havent worked for a variety of reasons. Every breakup hurts, and chips away at self esteem when you a low as you seem right now.

As to your feelings of self worth , you wont find it in another person its something you have to find in yourself. ( i know Ive been there)

Seems to me that you would certainly benefit from Therapy of some sort also AA or NA as you have said you also struggle with addictions. Both programs I have only heard good things about.

We are all a friendly bunch around here , quick to offer support or share our own stories and struggles.

I hope you find support advice and some peace knowing your not alone in this struggle .

Welcome

sounds like she is giving you room now. Use it. Use it to take each day, one day/moment at a time. Use it to find/create some times of peace throughout the day. Even if for each day you can find ten minutes of peace...

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. One thing that really helped me before was to constantly remind myself, "What's the worst anyone can do to me. What? Beat me up? Ha!" and I would repeat this in my mind over and over and it seemed to take the power that I gave to everyone around me away.

[Trippin2.0]

Excellent Dan! Its never a good idea to give other people your power, never. I was trying to convey this in my reply, but idk, maybe it got lost among the many words that sprung from my fingertips. Thanks Dan

[BlackPup]

Do you have a psychiatrist (pdoc) or a counsellor/therapist (T).... I think seeing a pdoc and getting some real meds not drugs and alcohol is the first step... then i think seeing a T to work out some of the ways you think about things, like your self confidence etc could be really useful...

[Bipolar1Disorder]

Well, I put your long post on MacBook reader and sat through the whole thing as it read it to me thinking, you have good punctuation. As a bipolar 1 person I relate to you very well and almost see a part of my own bipolar 1 traits within your own, in actions. But I am an older adult and can do things as I please without my parent (91 year old Mother) being involved.

I do use medical cannabis but only with a legal doctors script and that's the truth. Law's here in Souther Cal are very strict about such things. But I am not recommending anyone else do it. Sounds like you got girl problems and all I got to say is: They are a dime a dozen. Let her go and get yourself a good Jewish girl get married and have a family. :-)