I could just be paranoid...

But my gut instinct tells me I'm not. I think I might quite possibly be taking a lot of steps that could wreck my life & future stability thanks to an unorthodox manic phase. And I'm not sure how to stop, how to get the motivation to stop, or even determine if I want to.

The lines between "right & wrong" "correct & incorrect" are even more blurred, worthless than they usually are. I've been notorious for being so under control. Despite my ASPD, I lead a very normal life with relatively healthy relationships... I'd have posted this there, but the issue is not that. It's the mania.

It is making everything increase tenfold. I'm being flirtatious & manipulatively provocative with pretty much anyone. And I'm not even hiding it well, which I should be because I have a long-term boyfriend who is incredibly important not only to me but to my wellbeing... I've been leeching money from his Mum's bank account. I even have been compounding my problems just to gain attention & get out of doing tasks that I just don't feel like completing. A thing's/person's importance to me doesn't even seem to matter when it comes to the impulses now; not even myself & that admittedly scares me. This is beginning to encompass everything.

The problem isn't the behaviour... It's the potential results. While I am all for having a good time, I would never desire it at the expense of what little keeps me safe & held-together. Anyone with any bit of advice would really be appreciated!! I'm a bit at a loss right now.

There are things that go BUMP in the night...

Hey, sorry you're having such a time right now. i don't have any good advice... just wanted to lend an ear. i do relate and have done provocatively manipulative things in my past, like errr... last weekend.

perhaps though, the behaviour is the problem, or part of the problem. you say it's not, because i think you might like to continue it. you're getting something you need/or think you need out of the behaviours. but they and their end results could be very problematic, destructive, disastrous.

i'm not sure how to stop or change it. i think you're on the right track with analyzing it and figuring it out and looking for advice. maybe trying to focus on the positive outcome you want, like the positive relationship you've got going. it's more of a long-run thing, a good relationship, but the rewards are immense.

Shayatanica, if you have, as you say, an antisocial personality disorder, there isn't much that anyone here can really say that will cause changes, although you have been given good advice, in my opinion. As you know, psychotherapy does not benefit individuals who suffer from that illness, and to my knowledge there are no medications that will stop the antisocial behavior. You still should probably talk to a psychiatrist just in case a medication might temporarily benefit you.

It's really very sad, and I'm sorry that you have created a situation for yourself that can only lead to loss of friends, money, and happiness.

The problem really is the behavior, perhaps not in your thinking, but certainly others are being affected strongly in negative ways by the conduct.

Maybe if you read a little about the antisocial personality disorder by Dr. Hare who wrote "Without Conscience" and "Snakes in Suits" you might have a clearer understanding of what type personality disorder you have and find out what happens to those who consistently act in the way you are conducting yourself right now.

I am sorry that you have the disorder.

How were you dx'd? Are you so sure it is antisocial? Provocatively manipulative sounds borderline to me. Of course there is a theory that it is the same thing and women tend to be called bpd and men aspd (but not you).

Have you gone through a complete neuropsychological testing (MMPI, personality testing, SCID, the full battery of tests)? If you have not, I highly recommend it.

I have AS traits, according to the testing, but not full-blown disorder. I have full-blown borderline.

I'll respond more thoroughly once I get to my computer in about 2 hours or so... But thank you all for responding intelligently.

BlueInanna: Thank you for the support. I know the post is hard to respond to, I guess, in part to my stubbornness. And the fact that I was really out of my head worrying when I posted this. *sigh* I do try my best to at least keep aware of what I wreak, whether it's for the best or for the worst. It's just difficult when mania sets in... I'm probably going to have to bite the bullet & pursue a psychotherapist a little harder.

genetic: The mania is what sets me off -- I'm usually, for all intents & purposes, incredibly well-behaved & considerate (at least to my boyfriend) until I get manic. That's why I was posting here. I've read the books but they don't really say anything meaningful... It's pretty much summed up into they destroy everything they touch, they will never recover, & stay away from them. All in all, useless. But I appreciate the notion of attempting to assist me.

h-b: I've had conduct disorder problems since I was 4 & had multiple stints of visiting the school psychologist. When I looked into a file of a family therapist (once he was out of the room), he called me "probable antisocial, narc & hist features". And the only psychiatrist I visited dx'd me ocpd because I was being unkind to him! Lol. Regardless, it seems to fit me better than borderline. All of my borderline traits really fall into my mixed or manic spells.
I don't look forward to being officially dx'd really... It could probably ruin any future I have of a successful career. They would probably say that my psychosis is malingering rather than something to be concerned about. But why not?! </sarcasm> Thank you though. I just ****ing despise that I have to pick the better of two evils & both routes lead to my own destruction.

****! Now I'm craving kettle corn... Nom nom.

I agree that the problem is with the behavior and that what you are most worried about are the consequences of the behavior.

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this. But there may be some good news.

First, "probable features" of a PD does not = that PD. Oftentimes it's just shoddy guesswork by a T or pdoc who can't figure out what's really going on. I've had "features" of several PDs come & go from my chart, only to learn they were just episodic aspects of undiagnosed bipolar. A lot of inaccurate, half-baked stuff can end up in patient charts. Plus, a family T is not necessarily qualified to make a thorough individual dx. And how old were you when your family saw this T? ASPD cannot be dxd until at least age 18.

Second, a key trait of ASPD is a lack of empathy & remorse, which means you don't care that you're manipulating & hurting others. By definition, this means you don't care that you don't care. In other words, true anti-socials don't worry that they're anti-socials. Among other things, they don't turn to the Internet for insight & advice on their condition. One of the first giveaways you're not anti-social is that you fret about being anti-social. A real ASPD wouldn't waste the time. She'd just go on hurting others without a care in the world. And she wouldn't seek treatment of any kind unless it was forced on her.

I would suggest a much more thorough evaluation by a pdoc or T apart from family T, school psychologist, etc. If you genuinely think you have symptoms of mania, PD, etc., you need to get checked out. Winging it based on a glance at a chart when you were young may not be such a good idea.

I do not see how being officially dx'd can ruin a career. I have a 30-page (very informative) diagnostic report - personality, intelligence, everything - and I am pursuing a career. I do not see a connection. It can only be helpful - e.g. had I had the knowledge of my intelligence strengths earlier, I would have selected a different career.

Continue to recommend it. It is not done by psychiatrists - neuropsychologists do it. It is very expensive though.

Ok hamster. Explain what this is exactly? And how expensive?

Moodcycles: I'm not an idiot. I know that features =/= a PD. And I do have a lack of empathy but when it comes to a point in which I am sacrificing my own well being in the process, it's no longer something I can cope with. ASPD, or even antisocial features, is not synonymous with self-defeating or sadistic behaviour. And just because I may or may not have something, it doesn't mean I don't seek objective opinions on a life situation just the same as anyone else. And just because one has a PD does not mean they persistently lack self-awareness. I've always been aware, even during my mood swings & psychosis... Not something a lot of people can say for themselves but I guess I'm rare in that sense. So thank you for providing me with an incredibly generic & useless response that does not address my original issue at all. Much appreciated.
And I was certainly 18 when he made that assessment. I promptly left after seeing that. I'm not particularly thrilled with that notion myself!! I function too well for it to be a "disorder"; at least until now. I thought my boyfriend was an exception to the rule but now I'm not so sure.
I suppose I must attempt to work this through on my own...

h-b: I'll keep that in mind. Neuropsychology is what interests me as a career option personally... And it would ruin my ideal career because I wish to work alongside the FBI once I have my doctorate. If I actually were diagnosed, that would no longer be an option. I still have other options, but I always liked that idea.

Oh & thank you bluepuppy. Almost forgot to mention your response!! Heh. I guess I should just take everyone's word on that. :P

There was a thread on here a long time ago, a guy who had to go through extreme testing at a government job when they discovered he had a mental illness history. So, yes, I see why you'd want to keep it off the books...

But... I also want to say **** those people who want to look up your *** to give a talented person a job. But they get away with doing it, so you gotta have it clean and at the ready.

The school, they didn't want to pay extra money for my child to have special ed, back when the little guy was 11 and already had a sui attempt and a mood disorder dx. He needed to be in the e.d. emotionally disturbed program, where we would get free doctors, therapy, teacher coming to the home. The school told me that I didn't want to label him e.d. because it could affect him being hired for certain jobs in the future. I told them what I wanted were the services he needs, that I just want to keep him alive and don't care what they label him. At this point, he is 16, I will be ecstatic if he gets any job! So,, at any rate, good for you with your goals. I think it's great.

Not wanting to sacrifice your own well being eh? Who would!

My advice, if bothers you this much, stop it. It's you're well being after all.

I understand completely why you feel it's the result can you focus the flirtatious & manipulatively provocative to your boyfriend? I know it's really hard but you have to fing productive ways to spend that energy.

Hi Shay Longtime no post eh? I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you're struggling my friend. If its any consolation, I have every confidence that you'll reign this in. You've done it before, you'll do it again. No doubt. Pm me if you want to chat

BlueInnana: That's a good way to think of it. I'm leaning more towards just saying "**** it" & getting officially dx'd, between these posts & some things him & I have been talking about. Whatever I have, I know one of them is not "****ing moron personality disorder" so I'm just going to cut my losses & cross my fingers that I'll find someone worth seeing. Someone who will challenge me to use my intellect to fight this... Whatever. I don't WANT help, but I need to stop deluding myself that this somehow serves my needs.

cocoabeans: Hahahah yeah, thank you. I appreciate the bluntness of your answer. However, when I posted this I was also having a panic attack from other ******** & I think I unhinged a little bit.

Miguel'smom: I'll try to do that... Dank jou!

Trippin: *hugs* I know I'll be fine. I deal with this every time I go manic. Hahahaha I usually bug Michael but he's been AWOL lately, probably with his kids! Lmao. He always tells me "what is good for the collective is best for the individual". IDK why that is so hard to grasp!! Lol thank you so muchly, dear.

Like 4K in my area done by the best guy, at $180 an hour - many hours are involved, several weekends of sitting together and then his deciphering the results and preparing the report. I also paid an extra $25 to have the personality disorder test read and interpreted by Theodore Millon himself, the creator of the test and the #1 name in PDs. He writes so beautifully! It was definitely worth an extra $25. My insurance covered all but $800.

The battery includes IQ (Wechsler), Millon's test, MMPI, Rorschach, SCID (psychiatric evaluation) and a bunch of other things. Then you are given what is called a multi-axial diagnosis (Axis I would be bp (I had schizoaffective at that time, but it was not confirmed later), PTSD, OCD, Axis II would be PD, etc.)

I have very unusual IQ results. I am all over the place. Strengths and weaknesses. My verbal IQ is very very much higher than non-verbal IQ. Only 3% of the population exhibit such difference. Usually verbal and non-verbal are bulked together more. So no wonder I struggle in the tech world which is quintessentially non-verbal.

I see. I did not realize you had such aspirations. It is a shame that they are limiting you but what can you do! I simply work in the tech world, which would have collapsed if people with dx's were not allowed to make their contributions.

Can I ask you for a favor? I see you are using the Georgia font; it is hard on my eyes. Can you use the default font instead (unless it is a big deal for you, in which case I will persevere)?

h-b: Yeah, I think I'm just going to stick to being a researcher. At least I don't have to deal with as many people that way!! I just always liked the excitement of that career path. When I was in highschool & taking advanced maths, I got invited to take a course at the NSA headquarters for an intro to cryptology but couldn't afford the $2000-3000 cost. For a long time I wanted to be a codebreaker there, as well! Lol. I'll just derive entertainment elsewhere & leave my career to stable money making.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my apologies for the font. I'll just bug everyone else with my excessive formatting!

I've kept myself mostly under control today but only because I've been trying to keep myself occupied to the point of obsession... Had to consult the S/O to talk myself out of stealing from the account today.

Good job not stealing! I have stolen a couple of yoga classes over the course of the last several months - I have noticed that they do not track attendance well and I think I went to 11 or 12 classes having paid for 10. I am now making a HUGE effort not to abuse the system and stay honest. See, the report that said I have AS traits was right. That testing is smart.