[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I think I am coming down off the mania and it's killing me.

For the past month or so I have been getting increasingly "happier". I feel I talk slightly faster than I normally talk, staying up late of not all night, ignoring my routines and structure..... and the biggie I have stopped my medication cold turkey. I thought I was fine and everything was fine. Until Tuesday. I was out with a friend from my MH group and we were speaking a lot so many things to talk about so little time.... we were cramming a lot in the short space of time. Anyways I left her at about 1pm ish. By 4pm I received a called from the Manager of my MH Group wanting to talk? Apparently Alison (my friend) was very concerned about me and called Emma (the manager) To begin with I was pissed off as I was fine right? Then we got speaking about hat's been going on.

I told Emma, I do not belive I have Bipolar anymore. Hence stopping medication. She know's me pretty well and she was asking me about self harming and suicide but nah I am fine honest. Since Tuesday I have been a wreck full of paranoia and anxieties as everyone knows I am off my meds now..... Emma would of told my Support Worker Jackie. On Tuesday afternoon before I came home I bumped into friends. I texted 1 of them and asked her opinion and she says I was noticeabley hyper. She thought it was cause I haven't slept in a while?

Emma told me she would call my CPN as they have to inform our MH Team. Grrrrr!!! I see him next Wednesday so I will be in for a grilling from him. He will want me back on meds and to be honest I don't know if I really want to. As much as I am paying for no meds at the moment pretty unwell physically.

Today I saw Jackie instead of going to Tai Chi as I think I needed that 1:1 more. I am glad I went. She told me I was pretty anxious. She wanted me to open up. But as usual I can't damn emotions. I do not do the whole crying in front of people if I can help it. Near the end of our time together she you tube a relaxation video and we did it together. Afterwards she said she can see I am more relaxed and I seem calmer. We spoke about why I didn't want the meds and why I do not believe I have Bipolar. She said maybe I need to ask about new meds if I think these do not work or if I do decide to come off my mes then I need to let CPN know as support should be in place for me so I don't end up "ill" (hate that word).

I have came home and slept but I am drained. Feel like I have a hangover- I wish! Oh forgot to mention I have been paranoid like properly scared out my skin and I have been hearing things. I have been talking to myself a lot more too..... my friend asked if I was seeing people/hearing voices but I don't. I pretend people are in my room and I talk to them like have a full blown conversation with them?

I thought I could handle this, I thought no-one notices me when I don't take my meds, I have been told from Jackie my Support Worker it is very noticeable in me and she can not figure out how my parents haven't questioned me. I guess I am able to hide it from them? Jackie can read people really well though I can't hide anything from her. Which sometimes I hate as I don't like admitting when I need them, have not took meds etc. Emma asked if it was a control thing regarding my meds and sleep.... I guess you could look it like that.

Emma says to call, text if I need to chat.... I don't like doing that as other people need them more than me, they are short staffed too 1 man down in the office and I always think their jobs are hard enough without me calling, texting them (dpesn't feel right?)

I really could do with someone speaking to me

[BlackPup]

Maybe you should read the "so why do you stay on meds" thread
I've seen your struggles on here for a while now and think you do really have BP and that the right meds could really help you. I think a big problem is that you haven't found the combination of meds that works for you. This can take time and you have to give the meds time to work and sometimes try lots of different meds. I also think that structure especially around sleep is important and will really help moderate your cycles.

Just some unsolicited advice from someone whose been in this for a long time...

[Miss Laura]

Thanks BlackPup!

Will have a read of that thread.

Do you think this is delusional to think I do not have Bipolar? I am in 2 minds about taking meds. My friend just texted and said I should write the pro's and con's of taking and not taking meds. I have been on the same meds now for 2 years. I have only ever had 2 meds. I don't want to take loads of meds?

I haven't had my period since early June.... got it yesterday. Hurts like a m@@@@@ f@@@@@. In so much agony. Eating away the pain. Feel ill now. I am fine as I got blood work took in May cause I hadn't had a period since December. All negative. So no idea what is happening. My Support Worker said that it was interesting me not having my period?

My Support Worker asked about self harming grrrrr! Yes I have but mines are invisible so no-one can see them. So I am happy with that. No questions to be honest.

I want my normal life back again. I want to go back to the way I use to be.... NORMAL!!

[BlackPup]

Thinking that you are not BP and not wanting to take meds is just part of the way BP messes with our heads. I've been mostly stable with a few little dips for years now and I keep thinking that it was all nothing and I should go off meds particularly now I'm pregnant, but I listen to my pdoc when he reminds me how bad I got and I take the meds that make me stay better. It's not about taking alot of meds it's about taking the right meds if the side effects are bothering you then discuss it with your doc and see if you can try a diff med.

[moremi]

Miss Laura, I have many times went off of my meds only to come to the same conclusion that I do need them. I have convinced myself more than once that I am fine and dont need meds when in fact I was only fine because the meds were working so well for me that I thought I no longer needed them. I hate the meds bc of all the side effects with weight gain being the worst of them all to me. 60lbs so far in fact.... I do however bite the bullett and take them again because I find myself like you paranoid and I get to where I cycle very quickly between deep depression and dysphoric mania....
I hope y

[catgina]

Hello,
Does cycling from hypomania to depression cause anyone to have migranes?

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys!

Catgina- I have had headaches for weeks now 9ant shift it.

I know I should go on my meds and remain on them but I am just really not wanting to. I am ill though with not taking them and my anxieties are really bad. I just don't know anymore

Laura I think you should go back on your meds as what you have wrote here sounds like you're clearly struggling

[~Christina]

Laura

[Miss Laura]

BlackPup- I know what you mean, I have been 'bad' in the sense of how I can get being off meds but its always depression mainly I get. I want to have my mania as no-one see's that side to me. Its like I am a faker as people only see the depression. Not the fun side to me.

Moremi- ye I do normally cave in and tale my meds again. This time I am being stubborn. Standing ground.

Tinkerbell- you know me and ye I'm being stubborn and its only gonna get worse. As I said to you earlier I am gonna talk to my CPN on Wednesday. Never know he might agree with me that I have been stable enough to come off with his back up?

Morethingdwrong- thank you!!

[cocoabeans]

I can't read your font color on my phone.

[Miss Laura]

I so want a drink! All my friends are working or are busy. I'm feeling pretty mixed today. Been up since 9am its now 12:48pm I'm bored out my head. 1 of my friends called me worried saying I should call my CPN. I'm fine. I'm a lot calmer today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was so ill with anxiety. I slept ok last night I do feel exhausted. My friend said I was speed talking when I was out with her on Tuesday. She says she hadn't seen me like that before. She said sometimes I am talkative but on Tuesday it was more than that. She is worried about me. I said I would be fine, I see my CPN on Wednesday. She thinks I need to get it sooner rather than Wednesday.

I admit I feel crap! This is the 1st time I have came off meds and have been physically ill.

My support worker says she thinks I am lost. My friend said I need to find myself. How do I find myself? Support worker says everything I am contributes to my situation ie my low self esteem, lack of self worth, the fact I am hard on myself.

Why do my parents not see a difference in me? Support worker says its very noticeable so why the hell does my folks not see it? I don't want them to see it so I hide it but I am apparently not as good as hiding as I thought I was.

Today I'm wearing joggers and a huge jumper I just want to hide today!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

I can't read your font color on my phone.

I can't read it on my computer, either. Laura, it was better when you switched to the default font of this site. I started to gain understanding of what is going on with you. It would be good if you reposted your green font posts in regular font.

[Miss Laura]

Ignore this I did it wrong!

[Miss Laura]

Hey guys reposted as I actually know hhow to do it lol!,

I think I am coming down off the mania and it's killing me.

For the past month or so I have been getting increasingly "happier". I feel I talk slightly faster than I normally talk, staying up late of not all night, ignoring my routines and structure..... and the biggie I have stopped my medication cold turkey. I thought I was fine and everything was fine. Until Tuesday. I was out with a friend from my MH group and we were speaking a lot so many things to talk about so little time.... we were cramming a lot in the short space of time. Anyways I left her at about 1pm ish. By 4pm I received a called from the Manager of my MH Group wanting to talk? Apparently Alison (my friend) was very concerned about me and called Emma (the manager) To begin with I was pissed off as I was fine right? Then we got speaking about hat's been going on.

I told Emma, I do not belive I have Bipolar anymore. Hence stopping medication. She know's me pretty well and she was asking me about self harming and suicide but nah I am fine honest. Since Tuesday I have been a wreck full of paranoia and anxieties as everyone knows I am off my meds now..... Emma would of told my Support Worker Jackie. On Tuesday afternoon before I came home I bumped into friends. I texted 1 of them and asked her opinion and she says I was noticeabley hyper. She thought it was cause I haven't slept in a while?

Emma told me she would call my CPN as they have to inform our MH Team. Grrrrr!!! I see him next Wednesday so I will be in for a grilling from him. He will want me back on meds and to be honest I don't know if I really want to. As much as I am paying for no meds at the moment pretty unwell physically.

Today I saw Jackie instead of going to Tai Chi as I think I needed that 1:1 more. I am glad I went. She told me I was pretty anxious. She wanted me to open up. But as usual I can't damn emotions. I do not do the whole crying in front of people if I can help it. Near the end of our time together she you tube a relaxation video and we did it together. Afterwards she said she can see I am more relaxed and I seem calmer. We spoke about why I didn't want the meds and why I do not believe I have Bipolar. She said maybe I need to ask about new meds if I think these do not work or if I do decide to come off my mes then I need to let CPN know as support should be in place for me so I don't end up "ill" (hate that word).

I have came home and slept but I am drained. Feel like I have a hangover- I wish! Oh forgot to mention I have been paranoid like properly scared out my skin and I have been hearing things. I have been talking to myself a lot more too..... my friend asked if I was seeing people/hearing voices but I don't. I pretend people are in my room and I talk to them like have a full blown conversation with them?

I thought I could handle this, I thought no-one notices me when I don't take my meds, I have been told from Jackie my Support Worker it is very noticeable in me and she can not figure out how my parents haven't questioned me. I guess I am able to hide it from them? Jackie can read people really well though I can't hide anything from her. Which sometimes I hate as I don't like admitting when I need them, have not took meds etc. Emma asked if it was a control thing regarding my meds and sleep.... I guess you could look it like that.

Emma says to call, text if I need to chat.... I don't like doing that as other people need them more than me, they are short staffed too 1 man down in the office and I always think their jobs are hard enough without me calling, texting them (dpesn't feel right?)

I really could do with someone speaking to me

[Miss Laura]

REPOSTED FROM GREEN WRITING!

Thanks BlackPup
Will have a read of that thread.

Do you think this is delusional to think I do not have Bipolar? I am in 2 minds about taking meds. My friend just texted and said I should write the pro's and con's of taking and not taking meds. I have been on the same meds now for 2 years. I have only ever had 2 meds. I don't want to take loads of meds?

I haven't had my period since early June.... got it yesterday. Hurts like a m@@@@@ f@@@@@. In so much agony. Eating away the pain. Feel ill now. I am fine as I got blood work took in May cause I hadn't had a period since December. All negative. So no idea what is happening. My Support Worker said that it was interesting me not having my period?

My Support Worker asked about self harming grrrrr! Yes I have but mines are invisible so no-one can see them. So I am happy with that. No questions to be honest.

I want my normal life back again. I want to go back to the way I use to be.... NORMAL!!

[bipolariac]

Laura, mental health workers are constantly assessing you and looking for any sign of a mood disorder, especially if they know you aren't medicating. They are always on the overly safe side. I recommend that before going back on your meds, first tell the CPN (etc) that you are back on your meds. I bet they will say something along the lines of "you are better now".
Is there risk involved in you not taking your meds? I don't know. I'm not saying that I do, just giving an alternate opinion. It's such a buzz kill when every single person automatically says go on your meds, as if saying anything else would make them a bad person

[hamster-bamster]

Exercise - simply walking - always helped me with period cramps. Sitting was the worst. I know that drinking large quantities of water/tea also is supposed to help.

On the main subject - I think you should be on meds. You are highly symptomatic.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Bipolariac,

I can be risky while off meds. I am reknown for my superhero abilities.... I am invisible , Hypersexuality, Unsafe crossing roads (SuperHero powers make me do that), Self medicating with alcohol and probably a lot more things lol! I know everyone Support Workers, Friends, Family, GP, Psychiatrist and CPN will all say meds are the best way. I am researching as we speak the pro's and con's of taking meds and not taking meds. I know a woman who has Bipolar who is not medicated but she says it's took years to get her stable off meds. But I think with the right support I can be ok?

I will probably go back on my meds, cave in, cave in under the pressure of the medical professionals as they know more than me in some ways. I can't really live much longer with the sever headaches and upset stomach's I have been having with my anxiety levels being sky-high.

Hamster-Bamster... I have been sitting in my room all day staring at the walls, crying, thinking what to do. Thought about self harming.... however I didn't get that far phew!! Although I did hit my head with a tennis racquet a few times stopped the headache for a wee while. Have managed to read a chapter of my book and made a roast dinner. How is it that everyone else see's the mania bar me..... I am obviously not completely clueless and I see a wee bit but a wee bit is fun right?

[hamster-bamster]

Making a roast dinner would seem a non-manic accomplishment to me.

[Miss Laura]

Lol! Yay!!!! I am better today lol!

I texted the main woman from my Depression Group I go to. I asked her about coming off meds and if she has ever done it etc. She told me she has but it was disasterous so she went back on meds and they told her she would be on meds for the rest of her life. She asked me if I came off mines on my own which I did. She said I never mentioned anything at Group on Monday. I said I know it's sometimes hard..... They all have depression and I have bipolar. Sometimes they don't understand my mania and how bad it can get. Plus I prefer to talk 1:1 rather in group with everyone. I was hoping to chat to her on my own but the others were all there and I felt a bit embarrassed. We use to have our Group meetings every week in a building funded by the council. But the council cut the amount of money for support groups and the depression group was cut. So we decided to meet every 2 weeks off of our own back's and we meet in a lovely wee bar in town. But sometimes I miss the room we would have in the building as it was private!

[Miss Laura]

Back on my meds today. I am ill amn't I, I need someone to tell me I was ill so I will believe it, I keep telling myself I am ill and then I am stubborn and tell myself I amn't!

TODAY IS THE DAY I TAKE MY LIFE BACK!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Back on my meds today. I am ill amn't I, I need someone to tell me I was ill so I will believe it, I keep telling myself I am ill and then I am stubborn and tell myself I amn't!

TODAY IS THE DAY I TAKE MY LIFE BACK!

Congratulations! Just give it some time, do not expect results within one day, please.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Hamster-Bamster

[~Christina]

Laura ! Im glad you able to see that you may indeed NEED the medications

((( Hugs)))