Prozac is working - I would have been suicidal by now

My ex mentioned that he wants to stay as far away from me as possible. This needs context, but context would be too long for a post now. So suffice it to say that in the past such remarks invariably caused suicidality in me. Last time it was in the spring. I have a triggering thread on it here and am very indebted to the people who responded on that thread. They definitely contributed to my being alive now.
Shortly after that happened I was put on Prozac and the suicidality never returned. It did not rear its ugly head today either, despite similar situational circumstances. I conclude that the drug is working. I am able to see, statistically, that he has communicated the intent for a closure many times but has not followed through. What happened today is not worse than what happened in the past. So it is unlikely that anything will change. I am also not falling apart - I was even able to go out and eat a big salad with just a tiny bit of nausea, and in the past when something like this happened I would immediately become nauseated and unable to eat from anxiety. In the next three days I plan to put myself together again so that I can resume working on Tuesday (it is a long weekend in America). I know that a day will come when I post funny posts on here again - one day. I am able to keep the perspective.

I must say, I am very impressed. What a big difference. Not even a trace of suicidality. I sure hope this drug does not poop out on me. Knock on wood.

Keep up the good work Hamster. You are worth it! Very happy the medicine is helping. I think you also have a positive outlook and are always working on improving your coping too. Very happy for you that you can be so totally mindful during this situation.

That does really sound like it's working. That is so much better. I can really relate to how you handled it before, I have handled situations much the same, and drove people further away.

Hamster I know you are working so hard, and you are making lots of changes, I hope in time your ex will be able to see this too. In time I hope he will trust you again. I'm sorry that he seems to hang onto his idea of you were very tight. It happens when we get hurt by someone sure.

I know it's not my place, nor my business. And I have never said much about your ex before. But do you think he seems a tad bit controlling? Really I am just asking cause from your posts that's the vibe I get. I could be totally wrong tho too. I just don't like that it seems like you work your but off trying to regain trust, and somewhat of a friendly relationship, and get to see the kids. And then it is continually pulled out from under you or threatened. Again this is just a possibility of what I see from reading here, if no then just ignore this please. I know I don't have all the facts.

Hard to see a friend hurting tho.

BTW.... I am very PROUD of you too!!!!!

thats great hambam keep up the good work i say the same one day i will be posting something happy and funny here until then ........

well then - no soup for him!

Thank you, Anika! The problem is that he has a very unusual condition - PTSD caused not by an event but by a person - me. He was diagnosed this way, it is not made up. And what happened is that he hurt his back badly carrying something heavy. While I am not at fault for this particular incident at all, I am at fault for the fact that his back is so easily hurt. Many years ago we lived with my son from my first marriage; the boy was a continuous annoyance to the neighbors and we were asked to move several times for ostensibly unrelated reasons (the condo is being sold, the apartment needs a major renovation, the landlord needs to raise the price tremendously and for that reason wants another tenant) but in reality due to complaints from neighbors to the management. We did not have money for the movers at the time and he did all the moving himself. That made his back vulnerable. I did nothing to make my son behave well - I was completely helpless. So yesterday, when I offered help in the form of transporting the children to school (he hurts most when sitting so driving a car is a torture to him) and shopping for groceries, he contemplated the offer and found it... sadistic. Like I first drive him into a bad situation and then "extend a helping hand". So I wish I had not offered in the first place - it ended up being crossing the boundary because he does not want me in his life so closely, he wants a distance (plus, he explained, the children are old enough to carry the groceries themselves, so my offer is irrelevant) - but I know in my heart that I had good motives - I was not being sadistic.

He is not working due to my insistence that he stay home with the children and now he has such a gap in the resume that it is impossible to find work. So he tells me that instead of offering trivial help where it is irrelevant, I should help in the form of undoing what I have done, ie find him a job. But I cannot.

On a more positive note, he said that what would be helpful is my trashing a good part of stuff in my apartment so that I would move into his apartment with minimal stuff, which would allow him to leave a walk-in closet-full of stuff untouched. He would be coming (when his back is hopefully better) when I am at work to go through the closet little by little, trashing stuff and moving only what is needed. He does not want to pay the movers for moving trash again. He only wants to move what is truly necessary this time. So there is something helpful I can be going and I will be doing it today and the whole weekend. It is a plus for me too - the less stuff I move, the better for me. A win-win.

I have had 10 hours of sleep and feel very refreshed. In the past in a similar situation I would have woken up at 3AM with thoughts that would not let me go back to sleep - an "early awakening", a depressive symptom. Not today. So either Temazepam is working particularly well for sleep (knock on wood) or indeed my changed, positive, attitude is making a difference. I suspect that both.

Btw thanks for being proud of me! I will go for a walk now for 30 mins, before I embark on decluttering. Since I know it reduces anxiety, I might as well do it before anxiety strikes - maybe it is preventative, too. Have a great weekend!

Edited to add: the drugs, Prozac and Temazepam, appear to be "free" in that I do not "pay" for taking them with side effects. In that regard they are different from Lithium (e.g. I "pay" for taking Lithium by having to take a thyroid hormone drug). But my understanding is that Lithium does not lose its effectiveness over time, while both ADs and benzos do. All the more important to put in place non-pharmacological coping methods while these drugs are still working, to be prepared for when they stop.

I still want to cook for him. I still am reluctant to date online because the thought of sifting through a pile of garbage and still not finding a guy on a par with him does not excite me. So I still have a big problem. I imagine that if I have another man in my life, what my ex does or says would be of less concern, but there seems to be an unsurmountable obstacle so far.

I might have jinxed it saying that this time is no different from the past ones. He wrote to me about never wanting to see me again. At the same time there is a project that he and I are working on together over email; I feel that a lot will depend on how diligent I am in this project - whether I will show good will.

It is a very difficult situation for me to be in.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Hamster. There must be a lot of stress for you right now. I'm glad the Prozac is working for you!

Thank you. He took me with them to show me their new place - the newly remodeled small apartment. Looks great, although it is really really small. Today he sent me an article that suggests that the cat litter we use can cause a really bad lung disease - silicosis. All as if nothing had happened. It is extremely difficult to me to live through such unpredictable times. I have enough of an internal roller-coaster to not need an external one.

He is very serious. And I've made some serious faux pas - started a conversation about my attachment to him which was not welcome, given how much I have destroyed his life. So he is very serious, and I actually see his point - if it is difficult for him to be nice to me all the time because if his flashbacks, then it is better not to have relations.

But I am at my wit's end - how will I organize my life? I used to devote Sundays to them - what will I do with my Sundays now? How will I fill the void?

I have heard that given my condition I would have been able to get supervised visitation but I will not disturb him in that way. Plus, the children are so big that they would have a say in the decision, and I know that they do not want supervised visitation.

At present I feel emotionally numb.

Hamster, I have no doubt he was serious "at the time". Maybe when all the moving business settles down he will be less tired & less defensive.
Hopefully with school getting started things will be more structured & he'll be more open to having Sunday visits.
You're the mother to his children, that's a bond for life.
Try not to give up just yet. Let's hope all he needs is some space for now.
Wish I could offer you more.
I also know how numb feels & not having an anchor, something to hold on to.
You have worked so hard and come so far, it won't go unnoticed.

Hamster... I do think there is something else than you being bipolar to this relationship... how was it at the beginning? Why you "chose" him? Does it have something to do with you coming to the states and sorta burrying your roots (I remember you took it as compliment you come off very American).

I think both of you have some issues that should be explored.

He is ethnically same as I am - he is not American. We speak our language for the majority of the time (soon I would say "spoke").

He wrote to me that I should accept the situation and get rid of my attachment to him as people get rid of a drug that does no good.

Hamster,

Maybe he is right, in that like a drug it's toxic.

But I keep trying to make sense of what you wrote. He might very well have injured his back when moving all that stuff, because of your son, etc. What I don't understand is how you are to take so much blame. You never set out with intentions... "hey I'm gonna break your back!". That was not something you could predict, people move all the time, I myself have moved my whole household by myself and I'm not big, my back is fine.It just isn't rational or logical to put all the blame on you for that.

Also PTSD caused by an actual person and not an event isn't that uncommon. I think they call it Complex PTSD. I have PTSD cause by my ex, it wasn't a single event that caused it it was years of his emotional and physical abuse. Not to mention the same stuff by my father. I find all this PTSD stuff confusing. I'm not sure he would have Complex PTSD. What I do know is that I found a way to heal myself from this, that is possible. Is he working on this? I suffered through abusive all through childhood and into my first marriage. But I think it's something that can be worked on and healed, maybe not 100%. But a great deal of it can.

You may have made mistakes in this relationship, you may have done stuff you wish you didn't or regret, but from what I can see from the small glimpses here, you aren't the only one who has problems in this. If he can really turn a genuine offer into you being "sadistic" PTSD or not, that's a huge wild stretch. Sometimes people are a bit absent minded or forget things, really there is no harm or foul in this. Unless he wants to make it that way.

To me it sounds like he likely has many problems too. But you are the only one taking the brunt for it, maybe cause you do feel wrong for things, and guilty. But he doesn't sound healthy to me.

The kids, well are you sure that's what they would want? I don't really understand why having no contact with him = no contact with your kids. They are your children too, and you are their mother. I also don't really understand how this works in America either. Here there isn't really an age of consent with this, the children can voice their say, a judge may take that into account, but will not only rely on that.

Often when marriages break down kids are taught parental alienation from the other parent. Basically one parent pitting the children against the other parent. I call it brainwashing, and I think this is why here they do not allow children to have full say, also because it's usually about what is in the child's best interest, if children knew and did what was in their best interest then they wouldn't need parents anyways. Not saying this is your situation, just about why children might not have full say.

Anyways Hamster, keep talking to us, we're here for you. We all know you are working really hard. I hope you are doing ok?

Thinking of you Hamster, hoping you will come soon and say you're ok.

I agree with Anika, and it bothers me that you have to take all the blame for things you had no control over. It takes 2 in a relationship and there's no way he was entirely perfect the whole time, yet you are so more evolved and don't blame him for anything. I do find it very controlling of him to blame you for every one of his problems, and to withhold the children and his friendship from you. This is very hurtful and far from perfect what he's doing to you.

Hope you're ok

definitely agree with the above posts... You may have made mistakes in the past but he has to take responsibility for his choices and actions too.

Hope the Prozac holds up but give yourself some credit for getting through this, its also your coping skills that are helping you to survive this emotional rollercoaster.

this. You need to trust yourself as a person more... you might not been always perfect in the past, but people change. Give yourself some credit. Love yourself.

I actually thanked you for the compliment in a much more narrow sense - I take pride in my idiomatic language (and I should pay a reciprocal compliment to you in regards to yours) that allows me to come off very American; I do not take pride in cultural assimilation and in fact in many ways I am not assimilated - e.g. I do not have a TV and TV is still a big part of American culture.