I guess I am self destructive. You see, I am symptom free right now. And I should be happy, right? NOOOOOOOOOOOO..... my stupid *** is really down knowing that I will be something else soon enough. It's tiring. I don't want another adrenaline week or another down time. It's almost like I would just rather bring myself down now than wait for it!

Does that make sense to anyone else?

I don't want to feel good again... cuz I know it's FAKE!

[Kahrey]

I completely understand! I have this problem all the time, but mine is mostly with the down times. I like the up times, because I feel like it's more me, but the down times...they're rough.

Why put so much effort into pulling yourself out of the shroud you're in and out of that fog, just to know you'll end up there again? It seems so hopeless. It really does. My pdoc has really been working with me on it though, and helping change my perspective on things. It's amazing how you can change or twist a few words and make something so negative become positive.

[Trippin2.0]

Well, I've also been in that spot. Either sabotaging or freakishly anxious waiting... You know why I stopped? I was wasting precious moments of happiness.Robbing myself! THAT was unacceptable! How could I be unhappy about being unhappy if I was causing my unhappiness! So, I learned to live IN the moment, not by myself mind you, I'm not all knowing. My friends here, taught me about breaking obstacles into small chunks, and Barney(HIMYM)said 'thats future Barney's problem' and I still use them both

i get tired of it too.

it is very frustrating

[SillyKitty]

I know how you feel. If you can come to recognize the triggers/beginnings of symptoms for your down times, you can have less anxiety about enjoying the happy times. Or so my therapy sessions are telling me. I haven't had a chance to try it out yet.

[venusss]

Maybe next time you will able to handle it better? Be better equipped?

[cocoabeans]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I don't want to feel good again... cuz I know it's FAKE!

"Mania" or "hypomania" isn't fake. You feel it just like anyone feels anything. Whether it is the "appropriate" response to your situation doesn't make it any less real. What you do in your mind to interpret these feelings is important though. Rather than saying to yourself, "I feel so good, the world is good, life is good." That's fake. You should stop say, "I feel good for no reason." And experience it for what it is.

[Kahrey]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

"Mania" or "hypomania" isn't fake. You feel it just like anyone feels anything. Whether it is the "appropriate" response to your situation doesn't make it any less real. What you do in your mind to interpret these feelings is important though. Rather than saying to yourself, "I feel so good, the world is good, life is good." That's fake. You should stop say, "I feel good for no reason." And experience it for what it is.

Great words! Of course, I can definitely tell when I'm in a true manic phase because I'm just absolutely crazy (thought not harmful to anyone), but as I have put more effort into analyzing my moods and then looking at my surroundings, what's going on, and how I feel inside, rather than what's just exhibiting on the outside, I realise that a lot of times, this is just me. It's me not bogged down. And that has been the most amazing feeling in the world to discover. And while I know those downtimes will come again, I know these times will come again too.

I think for a long time I thought that I should be able to "get better" and stay at that point. And then "get even better" and stay at that point until eventually there was no more crash. But now I see I was completely wrong! Those times are always going to come. But the good times are always going to come too.

I've been working so hard on positive thinking.

[Confusedinomicon]

I don't think it is smart to devalue your human experience. When you say an emotion is "fake" you're denying the experience that it's giving you. When you start to equate any form of "happiness" to "mania/hypomania" you're preventing yourself from enjoying that moment. Over-thinking it isn't good, either. You should be able to recognize what is a phase and get help if necessarily...however that doesn't mean you need to seek help for every "symptom".

That is the crux of a person who has been diagnosed with a disorder.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I don't think it is smart to devalue your human experience. When you say an emotion is "fake" you're denying the experience that it's giving you. When you start to equate any form of "happiness" to "mania/hypomania" you're preventing yourself from enjoying that moment. Over-thinking it isn't good, either. You should be able to recognize what is a phase and get help if necessarily...however that doesn't mean you need to seek help for every "symptom".

That is the crux of a person who has been diagnosed with a disorder.

I always like to compare happy moments while manic to happy moments while intoxicated. When you go to a party with friends and have fun... nobody would say the fun "doesn't count" because you had few drinks so it wasn't you.

If you can handle hypomania without much lasting damage... enjoy it. It IS you after all. You feel it at the moment.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I guess I am self destructive. You see, I am symptom free right now. And I should be happy, right? NOOOOOOOOOOOO..... my stupid *** is really down knowing that I will be something else soon enough. It's tiring. I don't want another adrenaline week or another down time. It's almost like I would just rather bring myself down now than wait for it!

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Can you try to change your frame of mind. Can you try to think of bipolar as sort of a gift and not a curse? I used to hate this disease with everything inside me. I thought it defiined me but it doesnt. I define the disease I have. See if you can wrap your mind around the way I see myself now. I have extreme highs and lows. When I get extremely high, I do get the feel good part for a bit and there is nothing wrong with that it is not bad. Its lucky, its amazing normal people dont get to have that and we can be so much more productive because of it. I can go through and organize my entire home in two days, I come up with some pretty brilliant ideas and its almost like I use a completely different part of my brain. You just have to learn to control it, be on top of your sleep. Make sure you are getting enough not to throw yourself into something dangerous.
Then there is the depressed side and I get really really low and yes I get suicidal thoughts but they are just thoughts they are part of the disease and I tell myself these feelings are not real they are the bipolar and they will pass and guess what they do pass. I find ways to distract my mind from them. When I am super depressed I can be very creative in writing. I can write and it flows out of me like its been waiting to come out for years.l guess what Im trying to say is try to take the negative and give it a lighter side. Try to work with your weaknesses so to speak, and the more you learn to work inside your weaknesses the more you will become closer to being med free if that is what you want or maybe not med free but comfortable in your own skin no matter what side of the bipolar ride your on. Then your weaknesses willl no longer be that, they will be streangths, strenghths no matter where your at on the bipolar scale high, low, inbetween. For me I have learned to love my disease because its part of who I am. To be normal would be so boring. I think of all the emotions I have felt, the good and the bad and I look at my normal friends and I know that they will never know these deep intense feelings and I feel sorry for them. Dont get me wrong I do still struggle and I have had a long hard road with this but a lot of it has to do with perception. If you can take your mind and change it, and you can do this. You can see things in a whole new light. Come join me on this side buddy!!!!

I like what you said Cocoa. I feel really bad for giving you grief about meds a while back so I wanted to apologize for that. I don't know what I was thinking.

Everyone is saying that we should experience how we feel for what it is, right? But doesn't that change for you all when you know that how you feel is because of a condition? It does for me. It's like, I am feeling this way because I have a disorder, and I try to hide how I am feeling cuz I'm ashamed of feeling that way. I won't let myself act out in a happy way cuz I know my wife and kids, other family and friends too, will be thinking that it's just cuz I'm bp. I can't stand that people will think of me that way!

so I can't be "me". I'm really ashamed to be "me".

[moremi]

This saddens me that you feel this way. Your family loves you. The whole you. Not just the part of you without the bipolar, or the part of you that puts up a mask so no one sees it. Trust me they see through the mask they are your family and they love you for all of you. They probably wouldnt want you if you were not who you are. Bipolar makes us special. Believe it or not, you are special. People are drawn to us is what I was told. I wish you could see how special you are.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

so I can't be "me". I'm really ashamed to be "me".

Then you should slowly day by ay start loving yourself.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. Normal doesn't exist anyways. Your family accepts you. Friend should too... if they don't... well maybe they aren't worth it.

I think there is a balance between feeling it all for what it is, and how you feel it, and also realizing that some of what you are feeling might be not quite true. I wish I had a better word than true, thats not the right word. I did that yesterday too when I said mania is fake, I didn't mean fake, and I did say you still feel it.

What I am trying to say, is that for example.. if you are depressed and you "feel" like committing suicide, I don't think this is a feeling you can fully completely embrace, and is one that you do have to see as being partly because of bipolar.

There is contradictions in this, feeling it all for what it is, and then when we have someone here who is sui, or severely depressed, people say it's the illness and that the depression is lying to you ect. So we have to find a balance in this.

[Trippin2.0]

Ima try to give it a shot. Bare with me...
the feelings are real, the thoughts driving the feeling may be distorted and therefore unhealthy, but still a real feeling. Eg. I'm so much better than everyone else I poop rainbows! Yes, I can feel that, but the thoughts are still distorted, and I need to remind myself that I'm still a mere mortal no matter how many times I check the toilet! Same can be applied to suicidal thoughts, and the subsequent feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Am I making sense?

Yup! You making sense! I havent had any sleep and i cant string my thoughts together to make understandable noise.

[Trippin2.0]

I can comprehend your noises just fine, dont worry. You want me to sing you a lullabye?