Warning: VERY long (sorry!) and definitely triggering.
At least there is abundant use of paragraphic breaks.

Been feeling I should write about this chaos, seeing how if anyone will understand/relate it's you guys, but have hesitated, as it's way more than am usually willing to share. Will spare you the myriad details of getting to this point (...and they all sighed with profound relief...) It's been going for the better part of a month and it's really gotten to be something and a half. Right now (before 10,000 edits) it is almost 5 am. Am I tired? Not at all. "All night" is the mentally sharpest time of the "day". By far. All week, it's been 4, 5, 6:30... then having to make myself go to sleep with sedative alchemy. (When used earlier, it has no effect.) Read and post all night blabbering on and on and even thinking some silly funnies. And I don't want to stop. Why? Because when I get up the next day, I will be beyond miserable. Throw in the air, then mix and match: catatonic, self-loathing, a carpet F-bombing piece of work spewing self-flagellating diatribes, loathing everything, snapping or crying at every tiny thing that goes wrong. Which is everything. All day long. Sounds like a lot of action, but don't forget the catatonia.

I.am.F'in.massively.depressed. Can't make myself do things that need to be done. Even little things. Days go by and I am not there. I'm not in it. The day. Except I am. And it's overwhelming torment. How to describe? It's like feeling the pain of each moment, yet detached to where time and reality have no meaning. Because I'm not in them. By choice. Pummelled and floating.

How about a context clue, IZ?! I recently moved (did.NOT.want.to, but long story) a very very long distance from a place I LOVE to a place I knew I wouldn't like, but turn out to LOATHE. I'm not taking that well. At all. In fact, in major league denial. Like... I can't deal with writing my name in any kind of vicinity to this address, let alone do anything most people would consider normal administrative stuff. Because I.do.not.live.here, you see.

So basically, I am a horror show all day. By late night, I realize I've mellowed out. Not sure exactly when it happens or why. I'm just as unhappy about the whole situation as ever. But, I dunno. Only part I've really figured out is that part of it is physical. It's really hot here. And I HATE heat and deal very poorly with it physically. Night has been the only (sometimes not entirely convincing) relief from that. So... it's the only time my brain can function. Other than that... ???

Trying to be out and about doesn't go well. Agoraphobia (I don't have it, properly speaking, but experience a lot of features when deeply depressed) started setting in. Then 3 days ago, in one of my efforts to combat this, I went out walking to accomplish 2 errands within about a 10 block space. And ended up having a full on breakdown spanning every bit of that space, in front of God knows how many people (small town). (Though, like at a parade, some people had better "seats" than others, and saw more action.) Like, if you missed any of the 3(!) times I fell to the ground, you really should've gotten better tickets. I joke as a defense mechanism. In reality, it was horrid and I'm still mortified.

It was the second full on breakdown in less than 3 weeks. The first one happened enroute in Nebraska, and the police became involved (thankfully, helpfully). (Facing wrong way in a big vehicle that couldn't back up on a little one-way road called I-80 anyone?!) Add, in the interim between the 2, physical things -- a trip to urgent care and a trip to ER with hip pain so excruciating, that apparently, I blacked it out, as there were only tiny unreal wisps of memory. I had to be told what happened. I do remember before going thinking that if I had a gun I'd not hesitate to use it. (After that, right knee kept giving out --better now, as are the other things. And one lower leg numb all the time, which remains, but is ignorable.)

It has most assuredly NOT been fun. As to what is going on, this has got to be a mixed episode (which I've had before, but this one somehow a bit different and much longer). What the hell is up with the time of day thing though??? It is like being 2 different people! My normal pattern is worst through better, am through pm (esp. late pm). But this is way more extreme. (Btw, I was very stable before leaving.)

**********
So that is what I wrote last night (or early this morning, depending on your viewpoint). I do not wish for, or even "predict" the bad day part, just describing what has been happening. Well, ****, again today, and in spades. (But not swearing -- yet anyway.) At about 6:30 am, BF gave me a bit of crap about being up all night. I felt the need to explain that I wasn't doing anything to do this, that it was happening to me, don't want it and that it's a mother of a mixed episode, probably the worst thing on the BP plate. Don't think he knows what they are, but definitely knows I've been gawdawful to live with. (I did sleep from about 7-2, btw.) Starting out today, I was struggling mightily to convince myself that my brain was being very very bad, that I need it to shut up already, that there are 3 reasons in my way today and instead to do pleasant distracting things that are hard to screw up (because we know how that's been...). So here I am. Stretched out on couch with my piggie (guinea pig), who is very cute and sweet. Please don't tell me to go to the hospital, because I won't. Also, I do not have a psych here and have been in no state to undertake such a search. Also, find searching to be majorly triggering and that's the last thing I need. My previous () psych had advised to up one of my meds getting here if needed, which we both anticipated it would be. It was. Started that later then should have --- just a few days ago and may need to up it another notch if it doesn't kick in soon. Sorry for the long post. Actually, still, it left out my thought patterns, which it really shouldn't. They're definitely relevant, but this is getting waaaay too long.

So, blah blah blah... what I'm looking for with so much blathering... Maybe just knowing that others can relate (and I'm very sorry for you if you can). Some ideas on why the 24 hour pattern. Maybe how to overcome the effects of the town breakdown, where I don't even know who saw, and subsequent fear of being seen ("hey, there's that crazy lady I told you about!") in a small town (15,000, compared to the half million where I came from) -- which is not unfounded. It's not that I run around thinking people spend their time thinking about me. LOL!). It's a fact, as it ever is, that they're wrapped up in their own stuff. But... I really don't fit in here, so do stand out. Certainly enough to jog a memory. Right down to hair, so trying to go incognito via clothing change won't work.

If you made it through all this, congratulations and a gold star for endurance.

IZ,

Your posts are never hard to sit through. You are much too interesting to find boredom here.

I can relate to this soo well..... too well. You know last year, this time exactly I was sitting here writing a posts that reflect this very well. It got so bad that at one point I was so physically and mentally agitiated that all I could do was pace for 16 hours on end for weeks. The year before, same time of year I was inpatient for the same thing, and last year I very stubbornly refused to go. I'm not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, since it dragged out for a good five months. But at the hospital I was given such an insane heavy cocktail of meds that I could hardly say my own name. I also broke up with my long term boyfriend for the first time ever, due to having zero feelings from the meds, which I mistook for having no feelings for him. So I'm not gonna lecture you about pdocs, or hospital.

The day/night time thing. I don't know, for me day and night have always been completely different with more separating them then light and darkness. It's almost like being two different people. For me during the day I am quite mellow, rational, logical, calm, and peaceful, usually more content and happy. Night tho, more chaotic, irrational, illogical, frantic energy, very emotional. What's going on there, no idea. Is it the moon, magnetic field, the quiet stillness? Past experiences that have taken place at night maybe?

As I recall, and I don't normally swear, but the last mixed episode last summer was the worst one I have ever had.... ****ing massively mixed!!

What can you do in the meantime to help? I wish I had some fabulous ideas for that. trying to get you back onto a normal sleep pattern, tho that's pretty hard when times are like this. When you are up at night, maybe you could try doing something like puzzles or whatever, like diciplining a child, not allowing the mind and body to run wild. Trying to keep them both in mind that it is sleep time, and if they are not going to go to sleep they can do something boring, to help get them back in line. I dunno it might help.

Upping your meds, it might help, depends what med it is. Mixed mood like this are notorious for being med resistant. Any antipsychotics on hand? Those have been the only thing that worked when i was in this state, and they didn't work that great, but some did ok. Mood stabilizers did nothing to help bring me back, not even combos of them. Last year I was put on three antipsychotics at once, at high doses, I actually went over the max dose for zyprexa and thats when things finally started to return to normal. And obviously I would not want that to be your choice. Just seriously try not to let it get to far ahead of you without getting some kind of help... yes I know, where are you gonna get help from.

The town thing, oh boy. I don't want to relate here but do. There isn't really an easy way around it. Hold your head high IZ!! It likely is a bigger deal to you then them. It's a small town and they will move on to the next new thing they saw quite quickly. Remember when I had to go to a party with one of the psych nurses from the ward. I was so freaked about it. But it went really well. And he saw some of the worst of me. Maybe they will thing something was physically wrong? When I see something a lot of times my mind goes to something like that, I don't usually assume they are just crazy. But mostly that's something that you probably will feel weary about until you go out and about and are successful in people treating you the same as ever. Kind of like proof to yourself that it's ok. don't beat yourself up over it, you did nothing wrong, this stuff does happen to the best of them. Maybe you can take it as a humbling experience and try to find some good out of it, I am sure you will a later point, maybe not right now.

You also get a gold star if you made it through my response IZ!

Please take care of you, having to move to a place you loathe is no small thing. I'm really really sorry that you had to do that.

I care about you a great deal, I really hope this is over very soon.

[Trippin2.0]

Sorry, zero answers from this side of the globe, just tons of love and s to you my dear friend...

[~Christina]

I'm so sorry you are going thru all this mess I wish I had some awesome advice but I'm not up to par myself.

I do hope you are able to feel better soon and find some peace and a very well deserved "calm"

Please keep posting

[Victoria'smom]

I know the feeling, I'm sorry. It's really hard moving, especially to a place that seems like a foreign culture and on top of that loathing it. I would call your old pdoc and ask to adjust your medication. You need your sleep whether it's after-noon or night does not matter right now. Try to not worry about the people in town. You can find your nich later even if it's in a neighboring town.

[greylove]

(((((((((((Innerzone)))))))))) I'm understanding now what's behind your status report. I wish I had the words to help. I can identify with the crazy lady thing. (I made quite an impression on the neighborhood when I was manic.) Also, I just upped my meds. (Being psychotic is nobody's idea of fun.) I sympathize, Innerzone. I hope things start to stabilize soon. You'll be on my mind...... grey

Well Zone, just hang low for a few, play with the pig and have someone else sign your stuff; just not your power of attorney (ha ha). Then put on some fancy clothes and a big hat and hit the town. If your going to make a post impression.....make it BIG! Don't hide it; flaunt it. I've gotten so parinoid that I've tracked every car that has drove by my house before. Extremely exhausting. But it seems Anika can relate the best. Just don't get too lost in translation before you find support.

[Seaswept]

Hi innerzone,

I am sorry your going through this and wanted to let you know that I can totally relate. 1st to the moving; recently had to move twice in 1year/ a year apart.. I moved 2 months ago to a place I hate from a place I loved but also a place (previously) where I went around the neighborhood once or twice manic and psychotic. Some of the things I did such as walking around talking to myself and having delusions about where I was and who I was, I'm not quite sure if I actually did or thought I did. I know some I did. Its so confusing. I'll never know, but anyways I was very embarrassed after I came out of it.
I went into a deep depression and didn't leave my house. That was this past fall/winter.
It is true that people who may have seen you, do move on quickly, everyone is wrapped up in their own stuff, so it is forgotton.

Go on with your life and like Anika said, hold your head high- that's always what my older sister always tells me and she is very wise.

Also- I can relate to your bf thing- my husband gets on my case.. even gets mad at me when I'm up all night, like I'm doing it on purpose. As tolerant and understanding as he usually is, he doen't quite get what I go through.
I guess it true, if you don't have this. you can't truly understand.

I wish you peace.

Thanks Anika, you are such a sweetie.

That's right! The pacing! Oddly enough, I thought about that just the other day. Can't remember exactly, but think it was something about being able to get my walking in w/o having to go out in public. On going to the hospital, I never have, psych-wise and only twice physical-wise. Stubborn unto my detriment? Most assuredly. Besides, I've already just been there with the hip. They had to pump me so full of demerol that they were very hesitant to write an rx upon discharge, for fear of OD or something. But, ya know, it's not as if when something like that wears off, suddenly you're all better(!) Ha! Wish that were so! It was BF that had inquired. He pointed out that it was 5 am or something and that there wouldn't even be a pharmacy open for hours. Oh, right. Ok. I didn't know any of this had transpired till a couple days later. Anyhow! If I went back for this, I'm afraid they would think I was after wanting to be all whacked out or something(!) Lol. I go off stuff as fast as I can, and have actually asked to have RXs reduced in quantity, but you know how they think. But you know, it's the daytimes that are the worst. Night may not be "normal", but I feel relatively ok then, you know? I don't think they'd let me run off every night.

Day and night have always been distinctly different for me too. Like you say, it's not just the light. It's a whole different energy, and night is soooooooooo my best time. Which is one reason it's kind of hard to notice when it starts to get out of whack. But I promise to try to reel it back. If it'll help the daytimes, I'm all for it. Doing boring things. Hmmm.

I do normally swear and agree it's hard to otherwise express. At first, I just thought it was the sheer endurance test that was the road trip wearing me thin. (Not just the time it took, but the monotony, the not knowing where you were going to be sleeping any given night, etc.) Then I thought it was just not wanting to be there and being grumpy about having to move and unpack stuff with the heat. Those things may not exactly have helped, sure, but it did take awhile to figure out that I wasn't "just" depressed.

On the town thing. Yes, I remember the worry you had about that party, and you're right. I probably shouldn't worry so much on it. It's not like I'm all about town, some big town figure with a polished public image to maintain. And physical.... You know, I really don't react at all well to the heat... (And the crowd said, "Wow! Apparently not!" "She is quite pale. Is she unaccustomed to the heat from being from one of the poles?" Uhhhh... yeah, that's it.

No APs in the arsenal. It'd be the Lamictal being upped (there's still room to go to levels I've been on before). Only other thing really is the Wellbutrin. I've got xanax for PRN, and yeah, I've used a bit to try to wind down (no worries on getting carried away, not my style). Sometimes antihistimine, whaddyacallit. I tried sleeping pills once (not recently). No effect. Just laid there awake. So that's a no-go. Actually, it just occured to me that the AC is helpful. I can't sleep if it's hot (like, unfortunately, tonight). I should use its chilly allure and monotonous hum to advantage! Actually, that's sounding pretty good RIGHT NOW! The bedroom is the only room that has it. That's a serious lure...Hmmm.

And it's only 1:30! Woot! Wish me luck!

Thanks, WNT2bNRML. I definitely won't change my style. Kind of was joking about going incognito via clothing. Can't really be invisible (though actually have been know to hold the belief in near-delusional strength at times. Near, but not quite.). Fortunately, there's been no real paranoia so much as apprehension/anxiety/self-consciouness. 'Cause paranoia sucks! Here's to it staying off the big bad list!

Right back atcha, grey.
The crazy lady thing. Ya know, I'm used to and totally comfortable with being different (in fact, before I left, knowing my style would not "fit" here, resolved to keep my style JUST as it is and screw 'em if they don't like it! ) I think a lot of it is that it is a small town where I already don't fit in in so many ways that makes it all the more awkward. It's awkward no matter what. Not the greatest way to start though...

Thanks, Miguel'sMom. Normally, I kind of like moving(!) Less so as time goes on, but... it's probably something about figuring out how to configure a whole new space. Re-think things. Kind of like a penchant for re-arranging furniture on a big scale.
Oh, and moves have traditionally been my (hypomanic) idea. Which of course inclines one's attitude more positively.

Funny you should say foreign culture. It IS! I rarely know what anybody's talking about (even though I'm surrounded by one of the languages I studied -- 31 years ago though, so I forgot everything). It just kind of tops off the disconcerting general cultural regional attitude, which is... intense. Which is ... intimidating and really not helpful when one is feeling lost (think driving, for starters). Between that and being directionally challenged, I don't want to go anywhere(!) It's so unpleasant and stressful. Mind you, I'm not coming from podunk. I can do that early rush hour (when there are lots of people, but not so many that it's slowed anyone down yet) thing on a 6 lane highway as well as anyone (when I'm not in an episode anyways), and driving even the local roads here rattles me(!)

The traffic lights seem so small and in the wrong place. Even traffic configurations are different. You have to pick a lane well in advance of a light and there's never a sign telling you what cross street it is! Make a decision, then we'll give ya the information you need in order to make it(!) Wha?? Oh! And some left turns are made by being in the right lane. Also, prepare to have 3 people lean on their horns before the light even turns (because one unnecessary horn isn't enough, right?) Tonight, saw two cars move on a red light into the middle of the intersection apparently because the light didn't turn soon enough for their tastes. (Is this a stupidity competition?!) And this was on the main road -- which of course the light favors heavily. Good grief. Haha, and I've observed that people drive like they're on speed and walk like they're on Quaaludes. Especially when crossing a street. It's bizarre. Let's try a happy medium, people!

Prices are so high! The stores are different (except the dollar store, lol!). It's just... everything is disorienting.

I'll try not to worry about the townsfolk...I'm kind of hoping that when BF's school starts up, there'll be some kind of nerdish something in the air. Something familiar would be nice, even if we're old farts.

Haha, before you all go thinking Holy Cannoli! She's either totally manic or writes like The Flash! ... I was writing replies in email, then cut and pasting them, because I actually DON'T write quickly and... more importantly, my computer has had a habit lately of randomly shutting down w/o warning. On the email, I can keep hitting "save draft" every few minutes and not lose everything on a shutdown. What a relief, eh?

Thanks to everyone, no slight intended on not responding individually to each one. And coming back to do all the c+p, there is Seaswept. Wow. Yes, there is a lot there. True they really can't understand. My BF has a bunch of psych issues, but not BP. I told him about the BP quite early on, and he said he was cool with it. Well..... yeah. The little ones, sure, no problem, it's practically just a quirk! Lol. Then a major episode happens and.... WTH is THIS?! He was there for part of the town breakdown. He didn't say much at the time, but I knew he was embarassed by me, confirmed by something he said later. (I don't think he meant to be all that hurtful by it, but anything hits like a pile of bricks in the immediate aftermath.

Ooops, 2 am now. I promised to try to sleep at a reasonable hour, so here goes. The A/C calls! Think sleepy thoughts for me. Thanks!

[BlackPup]

thinking of you innerzone.... sounds like you are in a really tough place. sleep when you can get it and don't worry about what people think, they are all to busy worrying about their problems to be thinking about anybody else.
Hope you can find something that you enjoy really soon. Keep on taking your meds hope the adjustment kicks in soon.

Soooo, did go in to sleep at a more "reasonable" hour the other night. Took about an hour for debating about something - - Good idea? Bad idea? Had I maybe read about it at some point that I'm not remembering? What if?? -- that wouldn't go away till I decided it would probably be ok and got up and did it. You know how that goes. Next morning, SSDD. Decided to distract by kicking back and reading the forums. Dubblemonkeys pics were great, and that got me onto a rabbit trail of image surfing. Quite some time goes by. You know how that goes too, lol. Was actually starting to feel half-decent. Thought, "Ooooh, today, maybe a break from this state..."

Then the neighbors started a BBQ. One guy yapping loud enough for the entire street to hear. Non-stop. Like... not even 10 seconds pause. (Not pressured speech, or I'd cut slack for mania ya know? ). Then The Cackler arrived. This went on for hours and hours. Even at the opposite end of the apartment, fan running, water running, still loud and clear. Well, as you can imagine, none of this was improving my mood. (Putting it lightly.)

Then they turned on the music.

Flip out time. Oh how I wished to own a cd more abrasive then I actually possess. Picked one (that they definitely would not like). Opened the windows back up (they'd previous been slammed shut with commentary), put the speakers on the sill and turned it on. ON. And UP. Because I am generally a considerate neighbor, I only did it for a bit (1 song?) to make a point. This point was totally ignored.

All their crap went on for... about 9 hours(?!) So the wished-for calm state did not happen. By night, I was exhausted and hating this place more than ever. Distract. Computer, right? It randomly shut off 4 times in about 10 minutes. MY UNIVERSE SUCKS!!!!!! Slumped to a melancholic defeated mound upon the couch. For quite some time. Then the tsunami. Cried and cried, don't even know how long. It was probably a good thing, but sucked at the time.

Must've been awhile, as the clock surprised with 2:30. Took again about an hour to fall asleep, which was a bit weird, because I was exhausted and had taken something. And dropped some on the floor and once picked up couldn't remember if I'd actually taken it. So I took one (another?. Lol.). (Don't worry, nothing drastic.)

So starting last night and all day today, the energy part of the equation has gone. Totally gone. Wasn't going to get up at all, till BF started pestering about "cleaning up" the room I hang out in (ie. computer and stereo). What he meant was "do" something about the stack of undealt-with boxes towering in the middle of the room. I had mixed (no pun intended) feelings about it. It will probably come as no surprise that over this long time, my thought pattern had been... I can't live here. So I either have to leave or leave. In one case, I'd want everything pared to bare minimum, in the other it didn't matter at all. So I went through them, grabbed a couple things and stacked boxes to go in the attic as crap or things I'd never get to use again anyway (not as drastic as it sounds... art supplies requiring a specialized environment that I'll probably never have again). Then the clothes. Got it down to 2 boxes and a big Goodwill pile. Tidied up, ran a vacuum. Yeah, it looks better. Usually I get a big charge out of such a project. Nope.

So, maybe the mixed is gone. Maybe it is hitting a lull. Maybe it's picked a pole. Guess we'll see.

[BlackPup]

thinking of you my friend, hope you get better sleep tonight

[wing]

Innerzone, I was on the same meds as you are, added abilify and changed xanax to klonopin...it really leveled me out.

Thanks, BlackPup -- I DID get some sleep! Even at... well, pretty much "normal people" hours(!) Maybe it was being so lethargic and worn out, the first rainy reasonable temp night or ??? But, 12:30-6! (Up early only because it is BF's first day of school, and it seemed like a nice idea.) It's been SO long! The mood chart should tell just how long it's been, but it got so erratic with the sleep that that info is almost entirely missing. (Ooops.)

So, wingin'it, do you take the Klonopin as a regular dosage thing, or PRN? Funny the other should be Abilify, as that is what I was almost rx'd when the BP was first figured out, but that was when I'd already lost faith in my GP (more accurately that I realized she was way out of her depth in psych stuff, and.. uh, she didn't, lol). So I refused, and when I went to the Pdoc, she wanted to go with Lamictal. (Which I also refused, because I'd gone into a big hypo phase and literally bounced on the couch insisting I "didn't need meds". Lol. She humored me.) Crash came, I called in a panic, we all know that routine... Did the Abilify get added to yours in a mixed phase?

Had a kooky idea that has me a little energized this morning. It's probably unfeasible, but it'll probably keep that little energy boost going till reality hits with the research results... (A delusion to cure another delusion, does that work? )

[BlueInanna]

yay you slept! good news innerzone
what was the kooky idea, sounds interesting... and well... kooky lol. yes, i'd figure a delusion could cure another delusion. three lefts do make a right
oh yea so i have had a large vehicle experience in nebraska.. or maybe was wyoming.. not nearly as bad as yours, but not cool. we had a uhaul while moving many years ago, 2 babies under 2 years, and had to sleep in the thing a couple nights in the snow. i think i still hate my exhusband for dragging us on his run from the law, was such a fiasco. oh well, be here now spacey (that's me - spacey, not you) lol.
really hope this will be a better day for you!! you've earned it and then some!!