Put the past away

So its the anniversary of my last major manic episode and I can't stop thinking about all of the embarrassing things I did last Sept/Oct.

I started out hypomanic which was fine but it quickly turned in to mania and then lots of delusions.

I posted all kinds of crazy stuff on facebook, which embarrassed my daughter as some of her friend had friended me and of course family members and everybody else saw what I wrote. I feel so bad about that. One of the things I did was proclaim my love for an old friend from high school.
My daughter said I "tagged" the post (which I didn't even think I knew how to do) and he is somewhat of a local celebrity, so EVERYONE, including lots of old friends, saw it. Anyways, I heard him singing to me through the radio, told my husband, in front of my kids I was leaving him for this guy. koo koo.

I walked around the neighborhood behaving bizarrely, I had sooo many delusions: I was convinced my husband was an outlaw and married me to rob our family's money (of which we have none lol), thought the new place we lived was a hideout for the mafia, got in trouble at work- 3 days suspension ( still feel ridiculous about what I did there.. people gossip so much) I left my family and went to my moms for 2 nights- the kids were so angry with me for that....and so much more.

I wound up in the hospital for 4 days.

After getting through a pretty deep depression when I crashed (I could barely even leave the house) I had for the most part, finally let it go, so I thought.
Now all of these memories are cropping up again and bringing me down.

I know there is nothing I can do about the past, just do the best I can today but I just can not get these thoughts and memories out of my head!!!!!!!!!!

How do you make peace and forget??

Does it just take time? I guess the last 2 episodes before that, I don't think about much so is that from time passing? Probably another one will come along and I'll forget about this one. Of course I don't want that to happen and am on guard since this time of year is tricky for me.

How do you put the past away? Like the song says.

I think that it does just take time. Time to accept. I think that with acceptance peace will come.

Thank you but what do I do with these feelings right now? How do I get thru, I feel sick about this stuff.
If I had Xanax it would make things easier but I don't.
I have been eating more, like stuffing my feelings. I do not want to gain more weight. I also drank a 1/2 half a bottle of vodka the other night and I usually don't drink much at all. Ugghhh.

have you talked with your family about it? I know that hearing that they forgive you can go a LONG way with healing.

maybe one day you all can laugh about it.

I'm sorry. I know that you are hurting right now and I should give this thread a lot more attention. I am just distracted.

I know for me, what made things better is getting the constant reassurance from my wife that things are really ok. she would cry when we talked about it, and I got to hold her until her tears stopped. I got to comfort her. and then she would comfort me by reassuring me that everything was ok. talking about it made all the difference in the world for me, as it might for you.

Can you pin him down to talk to you about it without any guilt trips being played?

Please watch the drinking. in a way, you might be re creating the trauma by throwing yourself into a depression and ultimately into a hypo/manic episode as a result. that is something that I tend to do as well, and please be careful of that.
Stick to your meds, if your on any, and please try to talk to your family about it.

you can make it clear what your intentions are and that this is serious for your recovery. I know, it takes a lot of courage to do so. a lot. but if you can, and your family is receptive, it will go a long way for you feeling at ease and peace with it.

Landskaperdan,

Thank you for responding, it really means a lot to me.

Its hard to find someone who will listen to me and who can relate, so getting your feedback here is very much appreciated.

I sometimes feel like I don't articulate as well as others on here, so a lot of times I just don't open up.

My family and I have talked about it in the past but they never really have said the words "I forgive you". Now when I bring up this struggle I'm going through, they don't want to talk about it saying let it go. Sometimes it even upsets them, like the other day with my daughter.

Should I just outright ask for forgiveness?

I guess I will have to wait and talk to my husband when the time is right. He works a lot and the other times are spent helping the kids- all of the activites and such, so never seems like the right time. Plus I work 2nd shift- 3 nights per week so I don't see him as much.
I only work til 9pm on Sat night and when I get home he's ready for bed. We agreed when I took the position, we would spend time together on Sat nights watch a movie or something. Now its like that was never said. We also were to go out on Fri night since I have that off and we never do.
I don't think we enjoy each others company so much anymore, it seems the only thing we have in common is the kids.

The drinking was unusual for me I usually don't drink but I was feeling so bad I started drinking vodka straight that night and wound up drinking 1/2 the bottle. So I skipped my Seroquel (so I would not die) and still did not sleep the entire night. I think I got 1 hour that morning thats' it.

You know somethings wrong with your brain if you drink that much and still don't sleep lol.

I just came back from seeing my therapist and she said something very similar- that this obsessing and ruminating over what happened is causing so much anxiety that it could throw me into mania. She reminded me to do the breathing exercises and we did some together.

It would be wonderful to feel some peace.

Please do not stuff yourself full to avoid feelings. I hate tracking food consumption because it is so cumbersome, but in your situation I would recommend that you track (livestrong.com's MyPlate or myfitnesspal or any number of smartphone apps) to make sure you stay within the norm of daily calories. Tracking would also distract your attention from the past to the present, which for you would be a good thing.

Thank you Hamster. I'll check out the sites. I am also binge-smoking which is even worse.

(((seaswept))) time does help, but you got to go easy on yourself.

i like the idea of outright asking them if they can forgive you. be ready, they may say, not yet, but still love you. you don't know what they'll say unless you ask. and if they say not talk about it right now, that's ok too. but try to agree on a set time, like later tonight 10pm, so that it does get talked about.

sometimes i've laid in my bed like a crumpled tissue paper crying like no tomorrow. thinking, what do i do with all these emotions, i dont know what to do with this. one time when this happened, a voice in my head said, let body process. so i actually had a conversation with my body about helping me through it. it took about 45 minutes of laying in a ball, (in addition to the other jumbled hours) but then i really felt better, some part of my maybe primal self knew where to put the emotions. i'm still not really sure how it happened.

i've done some weird stuff during mania too, and it's embarrassing and i've lost most of my friends. some things i've done i can't even say here, wish i could, cause it haunts me. and some stuff i haven't told my family, or my boyfriend and don't ever want them to know. it's a pretty big inner struggle. maybe this is good that they, your family already know the things you did, and they're still with you, and now it can we worked on with them. it's good not to have hidden secrets.

Thank you for the hug BlueInanna. I really needed one.

Couldn't talk to them last night, had another problem to deal with my oldest son- going through some rough stuff.

That is cool how you worked through those emotions that time. I have also laid in bed crying but haven't had that experience- conversation with body- it makes sense to me though- how that could happen.

And yeah, this **** does haunt...doesn't want to just "be".

I realize I'm lucky my family has stood by me and they still love me. I've really reeked some havoc over the years. Oh well.

I feel like a ball of nerves this morning and gotta go to work for an extra shift. I just wanna go back to bed.

That makes me confused. I have never smoked, but I have heard that smoking decreases appetite. And you have both: overeating and binge-smoking? You poor thing! Has there been anything nice that you have done for yourself lately?

(((Seaswept)))
Nothing is better than getting everything out of your heart. Try talking with your family members.And just wait and have patience, time heals every wound. I am sure that there would be a day in which you will remember all this and you will smile cuz you were able to get over it ....

Sorry you got the extra shift Good luck with it today. We're here for you with lots more hugs!!

Lol, I take time between bites to smoke.

No I have not done anything nice for myself lately.

What could I do? Please don't say bubblebath.

LOL that's funny. You have to tell us what you like to do... what is something you could do for yourself and that you can afford and all that? Do you like dying your hair? that can be fun...

Thank you Angel, I just have to catch them when they have time and I have time to say what I need without coming across as a whiner, which is what I feel like right now. A big baby.

Thank you for more hugs blue.

I made it through the day and I'll have a bigger paycheck next week.

I love to bake (not a good idea right now), swim and walk in the woods and yes I do like to color my hair. The roots are showing a little bit. My hair is dark brown and I'm thinking about going lighter but I have not had luck doing that at home. Any tips?

you could do highlights. like 2 colors. i've done a lot of color at home. usually comes out ok. there's a highlight kit that doesn't require using foil, you just paint it on the little bunch of strands that you want. that one was pretty good. i'm dark blonde so i'll do light blonde highlights usually. or sometimes i'll go dark brown or reddish brown for fun.

Thank you!

With my dark hair I just worry about it getting brassy with highlights.
I suppose I could try it and buy another box of semi-perm color in case it looks bad.

Do you know if they make highlights for dark hair? It seems they are usually made for light hair.

i think they do... not totally sure, but you could do red streaks. i think that would look good.

I get very good red highlights for my chestnut hair. But I pay a professional hairdresser to do th job.