[OutlawedSpirit]

POTENTIAL TRIGGER




PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION







Okay, so first off, my dad is undiagnosed, but almost certainly bipolar. About 6 years ago during a manic state, I decided to move out of my mom's and move in with my dad. I lived with him for almost a year, which was a very rocky year.

During my time with him, I didn't get along well with my step-mom and I got along with my dad okay depending on what mood he was in. A very love-hate relationship.

He worked two full time jobs, one was delivering donuts third shift to gas stations and such, and then during the day he was a garbage man. During the winter I would ride with him on Friday and Saturday nights, and they were some of the best nights of my life. We could talk about anything. It was almost like we understood each other on a level other people didn't understand.

When summer came around, I started doing the delivery route myself a couple nights a week, to let him get a little more sleep than the four hours or so he usually got. The doughnut business was owned by a family friend so it wasn't an issue for me to do it instead of him. One weekend, he found a 79 trans am and said if I delivered for him all summer he would fix the car up for me. So of course I agreed, it was a kick *** car.

I would have to get to the shop around 11 at night to load the van and would deliver until 6 or 7 in the morning depending on the amount of deliveries. The owner's cousin stayed at the shop until someone got there to help load the van.

Over the course of that summer, the owner's cousin repeatedly raped me. Usually two or three nights a week. At first I tried to fight him off, but I eventually gave up, because I felt there was no point in fighting. So I just let it happen. I never told my dad because I thought he would blame me for ruining his friendship with the owner of the shop. So I kept my mouth shut and let it happen.

I never ended up getting the car because my dad never got around to fixing it up, and our relationship went downhill. By December I couldn't stand living there anymore. I was tired of the emotional abuse from my step-mom, I was tired of living in the filth that the house was, I was tired of cleaning the house because no one else would. I left in the middle of the night when I called my mom and told her to come get me. I left all my stuff there. When I went back to get it, my dad told me I was no daughter of his and to get off his property before he called the cops.

Even though it is irrational, I blame him to this day for getting raped. I blame him for not noticing. I blame him for triggering my first major episode. I blame him for breaking my heart.

On more than one occasion my step-mom has contacted me want to repair the relationship between my and my dad, whom I haven't talked to in almost 5 years. They still don't know about the rape. I think to ever repair the relationship, I have to tell them, I have to let them know the torment I've gone through. I don't think I can move past it until they know, but I don't know if I should.

I miss my daddy, I really do, but I don't know if I can handle him anymore. He goes through his times when he just hates the world, and he pushes people away. He hasn't talked to his mother in almost a year either. I have two brothers that I've never even met, and I have another brother and two sisters that I haven't seen for as long as I haven't seen him. I miss them. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading my novel, I have wanted to get this all off my chest for a long time.

[Eliza Jane]

I am so deeply sorry that you had to go through that. I hope that you have been able to find some helpful treatment to deal with the trauma.

What kind of specific consequences do you worry about if you told your dad? This is the kind of thing that it is hard to give advice on because you know your family best and would have the most insight into whether your father would behave in an inappropriate or cruel way. If you think he can be reasonable about it, it probably would be helpful to explain what happened. You certainly haven't done anything wrong here.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

EJ

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay. Well, first off, I also have a very love/hate relationship with my dad. It was just me and my dad starting in 1992 when my mom passed away. Before that our relationship was rocky. He wanted a boy, and my mom was unable to produce that (due to cancer and age,) and so he was stuck with me. He just never "understood" me I guess... I don't know how else to put it. He was 43 when I was born, so he's 75 now.

Anyway, I think my dad also has some type of mental illness. I can't say bipolar for sure or not. He also has diabetes, which causes moon swings very similar to bipolar. But, I do think he gets paranoid and depressed. He's now on anti-depressants, after his last major heart attack. However, growing up he was depressed and he was of the mind set (due to his generation) that you don't talk about those things and you just deal with it. That's how he dealt with me, too. Just suck it up and take it. So my first question to you is your dad's age. He could be of that same age group, and therefore harder to talk to, (especially since you say he is undiagnosed, that's a good sign he never sought help.)

Next, you know this is an irrational fact that you blame your dad for what happened. Of course he had no idea that was happening to you. Have you made any steps with your T in healing yourself? Does he still live in the same house/town as before? Would going there bring up any post traumatic type symptoms. Have you told anyone else? Like your mom? It might be good to have another person in your corner who knows the whole story if you tell him.

My final question is... your dad's health. Is your dad in good health or poor health? or maybe you don't know. I tend to keep my dad at a distance although we live in the same town. He's in poor health so on the one end I am concerned and I don't want him to die. On the other end... I always say the wrong parent died.... which sounds horrible, but he has done some terrible things to me and my family. Then at the same time he has done good things. But, I don't want him to go with us being estranged. His brother just recently died (who also had a lot of mental health issues and was abusive,) and they were never able to repaire their relationship before he died. Now it is too late.

Lastly... my mother-in-law was sexually abused by her dad. She lived for many years in angry toward him and her mom (who just let it happen, and lived in denial.) When my middle son was born (her first grandson,) she decided to take him to see her dad. She also re-contacted her mom after 13 years of silence. Her dad apologized to her for all the wrong he had done, and they were able to find peace. Her and her mom continued to have issues, but resolved some issues although not all. Both are passed on now, but at least she has that. In one case it went very well, and the other not so well, but she is more at peace with both.

So, I do think you need to work through the damage of your rape. I don't know if you tell your dad or not. Maybe first make contact and see how he responds, then decide. If you do tell, have someone else there with you for support who knows the story.

Anyway, a novel for a novel. I'm very sorry you had to live through that.

[OutlawedSpirit]

My dad will be 48 the end of this month. He has no health problems that I know of, other than he tries to work himself to death. He moved to Arizona a couple years ago, that is where my grandma and aunts all live, but he doesn't talk to them anymore either.

My mom knows about it, but we have never actually talked about it. Me and my gf talk about it on occasion, especially when my nightmares wake her up. I've told my pdoc about it, but it hasn't come up again, and I haven't brought myself to tell my T yet. It is so much easier to write it out than actually talk about it. I know I could write it down and give it to my T, but it's just not something I like talking about. Imagine that. I just think that if I ever want to have contact with my dad and his family again, it is something that has to be dealt with. I don't see myself being able to connect with him with something that big hanging between us.

[Clinte89]

Wow outlaw you defiantly have a story I tell and for that I'm sorry. I don't wish anything like that on anyone. I understand how bad sexual assault can be on a person my mom was a victim and it has been hard on her Untill she confronted te person who did it but it was hard for her but has seemed to help. I'm sorry your relationship with your dad is not so good everyone wants I have a relations ship with there parents but it doesn't always work, my dad and I where enemies for years but we finally got back together so It can happen. I hope you can work it all out and I wish you the best. :hug; double

[OutlawedSpirit]

I think the biggest obstacle I have with telling them is that I'm afraid they are going to call me a liar. That they'll say it never happened and that I'm just trying to make excuses for moving out of their house. How do you bare yourself like that and face being called a liar?

[Clinte89]

That is a tough one, being calle a liar and passed off is tough, I don't have much advice on that other than try it and be prepared to leave really quick so you don't have to put up with that.

You never really know what will happen until you finally do come out with it. I know for me, I would do it over email or letter. then I would stress about it till i got a response, avoiding phone calls or direct communications till I could feel the waters, so to say.

Good luck to you!

[OutlawedSpirit]

I've thought about doing it via email, just because that or over the phone are my only real options since he lives in Arizona and I live in Illinois. I just really have a big issue with rejection, and I guess that is what stays my hand.

[BlueInanna]

Outlaw... hugs... ughh perverts... that's horrible it happened to you, I hope you can know now that it happened to you, wasn't your fault You didn't let it happen, what was the alternative, get your face smashed in or worse? I was sexually assaulted when I was a teen, by another teen. I remember how strong he was...loser asshole barf, but after I didn't tell cuz I felt like I put myself in harm's way by agreeing to drink with these guys. When I got older, and especially watching my daughter going through high school years, I see that it was not my fault. It was all wrong and all his doing to scare a girl like he did.

I think if you feel strong enough, go see your dad and tell him. You miss him, I know that feeling too, miss my dad he's passed away. This could be so healing for you and your dad. You know the worst outcome is being called a liar and rejected. But you will know you tried. Time just keeps ticking faster than I can believe. Would your girlfriend come along to support you?

[Trippin2.0]

I agree, go see him if you can. Or email him, and leave an open invitation. Cos he may not be able to respond for who knows how long. He will have his own battle with the news, and need time to process, or he may not even know what to say... I'm thinking something along the lines of 'dear dad, I really miss you, but I left bcoz... I would really like it if we could rebuild our relationship, feel free to respond whenever you are ready'... That way,you dont feel instant rejection if he doesnt reply instantly.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Actually going out to Arizona at this point isn't feasible. Too many medical bills and such. We have talked about going out to see my grandma next spring if we can afford to. I sort of want to try just email first, instead of talking about it initially in person. At least a poorly received email, I can distance myself from. I'm not sure I could handle that kind of rejection in person, if he would even agree to see me at all. He has told my grandma and my aunts to not give me his phone number or his address.

I can email my step-mom because she has called me because she wants me and my dad to be on speaking terms. I know it sounds cowardly, but it is sort of nice that I can use her as a mediator.

I have blamed myself for a long time. Although he was physically much stronger than me, and over 20 years older, it has always haunted me that if I would have just fought harder... My girlfriend always tells me that I could have wound up dead that way, but sometimes I really wonder if that wouldn't have been better. Sometimes the memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares are almost too much. Especially since I have no one around who really understands. I mean, how can you describe what that is like? There aren't words to really convey the powerlessness, the fear, the shame. It's something that really is indescribable.

[faerie_moon_x]

I understand, going is not an option.

Well, I think that an e-mail or a letter even might be the way to go. I would start at the beginning with the positive. "Dear dad, I am interested in repairing our relationship..." You know, start with the "I'm not writing to you to make you made."

Then, ease into it. Say, "something happened which you were unaware of at the time I stayed with you. I was young and afraid and didn't know how to share this information with you, and it has taken me a long time to even be able to speak about it to a therapist." That way, he knows it wasn't just him you were unable to talk to.

And I agree with the suggestion to say that he should respond when he feels he is ready.

[OutlawedSpirit]

So, I'm thinking about emailing my step-mom (because I don't know if my dad even has an email, and I don't know his address). Hoping it sounds okay, but if anyone has any suggestions it would be much appreciated.

Hey Karen,

I know we had talked before, and you wanted to help fix the issues between me and my dad, and I know I wasn't very receptive to the idea at the time. I think I'm getting to the point where I want to try, but there are some things that I think you both should know, because until it is out in the open, I don't think I can try to have that relationship.

First off, I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist because, come to find out, I have Bipolar. I have been started on medication, although my psychiatrist and I are still working on finding out what combination is going to help. That really isn't paramount to fixing the relationship, but I thought you should know because maybe you can get my dad to at least think about going to see someone, because it can be genetic. That could really help his relationships with everyone else as well, just something for you to think about.

To the real issue. While I lived with you, there are some things that happened that affected me more than you will probably ever know. It has taken a long time for me to even start to come to terms with it, let alone be able to talk about. My girlfriend is really the only person that I have confided in, and I haven't really even been able to talk to my therapist about it yet.

The summer before we moved to South Beloit, while I was delivering every night for my dad, some things happened. I was repeatedly raped, sometimes two or three times a week. For a long time I have blamed not only myself, but you and dad as well. I know that I hid it from you, and tried to act like everything was okay, but I blamed you none the less. I blamed you both for letting me deliver, and I blamed you both for not knowing. I know that there was really no way for you to know, because I hid it from you, but I blamed you none the less. I wanted so bad for you to ask what was wrong, to ask if I was okay, and you never did, and that hurt. It hurt real bad. It was irrational of me to blame you, to expect you to know what was wrong, but I did. I expected my daddy to come rescue me and he never did. My knight in shining armor never came. That created a rift that I couldn't bridge, at least not alone.

I'm not telling you this because I expect him to come rescue me now, it's too late for that. I'm telling you because I can't handle having a relationship with you guys again knowing that is hanging between us, and you both not knowing. I never could tell you back then, for so many reasons. I thought that if I said something, it would ruin dad's job, and that he would blame me for that. I also thought that if I said anything that I would be blamed for it, that it would be said that it was my fault it happened. I still blame myself for it happening, honestly. If I would have fought back a little harder, if I wouldn't have eventually just given up and let him do it, it might not have happened.

Like I said, I've told you all of this because I don't think I can rekindle the relationship with that on my shoulders and you guys still not knowing. If you still want to try to fix what went wrong, you can let me know, when you're ready. I know it can take a while to process, I know it has for me, so don't feel like you have to say anything right away. If it is too much for you to handle, and you don't want to reply at all, I'll understand.

I think that the worst case scenario is your dad getting defensive about you questioning him having a mental illness, but with everything else you said in the letter, that would be petty anyways.

I would just hit send and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You have so much to gain though!

[OutlawedSpirit]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I think that the worst case scenario is your dad getting defensive about you questioning him having a mental illness, but with everything else you said in the letter, that would be petty anyways.

I would just hit send and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You have so much to gain though!

It's not like I would be the first person in the family to mention him being bipolar, and at least I can hope it sounds better coming from me since I'm admitting I have a mental illness too. Plus, it is getting sent to my step-mom first, so if she doesn't want to share that with him if she thinks it will set him off, she can always omit it.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I think that the worst case scenario is your dad getting defensive about you questioning him having a mental illness, but with everything else you said in the letter, that would be petty anyways.

I would just hit send and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You have so much to gain though!

I hit send. Now time to just play the waiting game.

You did?! That is absolutely awesome! I'm so proud that you would take this step, cuz it not only will clear the air with your dad but it's also a huge step in your own recovery!! You did good!

[OutlawedSpirit]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

You did?! That is absolutely awesome! I'm so proud that you would take this step, cuz it not only will clear the air with your dad but it's also a huge step in your own recovery!! You did good!

Thanks Dan. Even though I know it might be a while before they even get around to checking the email, my nerves are already on edge. Now I really don't know how I'm going to sit still, mania has made that hard enough this week. Ha Ha, oh well, I guess time to get extra **** done, even though everything is pretty much already done. Oh what to do, what to do.

[Eliza Jane]

Good for you! Sending you thoughts of strength as you wait for the reply.

EJ

[OutlawedSpirit]

I almost don't even want to check my email now, because I'm worried that not knowing is better than the possibility that things turn sour, well, sourer. Although not sure how things could get much worse, I've already not talked to my dad in almost 5 years.

[Trippin2.0]

Very proud of you! I know its hard to not feel anxious,but like you said, it cant get any worse than not talking for 5 yrs. If your dad does not accept your olive branch (which I find hard to imagine) then atleast you know you tried, AND tried your best!