[Trippin2.0]

Still login daily,not been chatty, mostly tired from work. Just got paid,broke coz I bought my brother takkies(sneakers)for his bday.Idk,really weepy this evening,enter thoughts stage left;I dont get 'over things' its impossible.It would mean hitting the 'skip' button.I get thru.Which entails trudging thru emotional sludge,every step ripping off part of my soul.With heartache,the part is replaced with new love,I fear there will be no more parts left once I've gotten thru, as I'm not open to the idea of love

[faerie_moon_x]

I have a really hard time getting over things, too. Especially bad things. they stick in my mind and haunt me for a long time.

Did something bad happen?

Love is tricky. it's not all the things we want it to be. It's messy.

[Trippin2.0]

I will simply cease to exist... So maybe I should find the 'skip' button, that others make use of... So I may carry on existing... Thinking all the stuff I do, I realize why T's have a field day with me, I'm a dream come true. The last one recorded my sessions. Just feel really screwed up and alone. And its my fault. So yeah, that. My pc is being an idiot,and suddenly nothing will play music, and that brought me to tears too, everythings so saddening... Just want a hug, but the new kitten wont sit still

[Trippin2.0]

Nothing bad happened, just thinking how I chased off my last bf, and how different my future might have been. I will sooner take a knife to my own heart than entertain the idea of love ever again (honest, I made a vow) so now I will just carry on, until there is no more of me left to go on...

[faerie_moon_x]

Maybe the last T recorded sessions for charting purposes later?

I know how you feel, when suddenly everything isn't working when you really need it. You're not screwed up, though. And not alone. may feel that way, but you're not! Us digital people are here at least.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, something must have happened to chase him away? Especially if you made a vow. I know if my husband and I broke up I would be done with the whole thing, too. Hard to be open to love when bad things happen.

[Trippin2.0]

I know, and I love you guys for it. But I've chased off every man and every friend I've ever had, my brother will move on one day too, meet a nice girl, build a life with her and raise a family... Then I wont even have the comforting distraction he brings to my crazy days... What have I done to myself? Worst is, I cant fix it. Old friends are not an option, new ones arent viable (we live too far apart to actually hang out) love isout of the question, so it me and the bed I made...

[Trippin2.0]

This bipolar bpd ******** happened, I was delusional, verbally abusive, and he headed for the hills, explaining made it worse I think. So yes, a knife to my heart is WAY more welcome... I'm just sad... Not depressed or hopeless, just sad about where the choices I've made have led me... Alone

[faerie_moon_x]

I see.

I don't really know what to do. I tend to be screwing things up myself recently in this area because of my bp crap...

It may not be hopeless forever, though. None of us know what is in the future. I think you're great. So, I bet other people will too. Real ones that live near you. I know it's hard, though. I don't trust people very well and I am always sizing them up and seeing how they will stab me in the back. So, I know it's hard to be positive about it.

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe someone will come along who understands delusions and stuff. Low likelihood, but higher than zero. ?

[Trippin2.0]

Thing is, I know there are maybe's and nothing except death is final. But I'm not open to those infinite possibilities, nor do I allow myself to be... Thus the vow to stab myself in the heart. They bring with them, probabilities of more heartache, more emotional sludge, and from this angle,that is not acceptable.Kind of like meds and certain side effects, it's just completely unacceptable. So thats where the 'made my bed' part comes in. I hate what I chose, but the alternative is an absolute no-no...

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I guess the next step is to figure out that being alone doesn't mean to be lonely. And sometimes will be easier than others.

My mother-in-law has made the same vow, actually. She doesn't ever want to be in another relationship, because she can't trust herself, all of her previous spouses and boyfriends were abusive. And this may be correct way to respond, but it is hard for her because financially she can't take care of herself and neither can we, so in the end it's put her in a bad spot anyway.

[Trippin2.0]

Yes, thats's what I'm supposedly working on. Some days, most days, its good. My choice makes sense, emotionally and logically, and it really isnt a bad choice. But then days like these blindside me, and I think OMG WTF have I condemned myself to? And then I start wondering if I was faking it on those good days, coz how could it be good yesterday, when today is sO ******?... Idk, my head's kinda muddled right now...

[faerie_moon_x]

It's okay, Trippin. We all have bad days and having bipolar only adds to that. So, don't beat yourself up about your choice.

Remember your inner cave woman is a tribal creature so sometimes she is going to panic about not having a tribe. But you do have a tribe. It's Jordan and your brother at least, and that's good. And I think even if you don't go the man rout, you can find friends. And I can be part of your tribe. I'll be the distance weirdo that lives across the ocean.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks DHX, you're right, I'm just having an 'off' day. Weepiness has subsided a bit now atleast, thanks for talking me thru this, your perspective has helped alot. I'm so used to having a tribe yes, been surrounded by peoples and peoples and peoples since birth. So this is kinda weird, and guess I havent really adapted fully yet. And yes, you are definitly part of my tribe, I certainly cant be the only weird one in it

[faerie_moon_x]

I hate off days. You're a good friend and I'm glad to be in your tribe. The more weird people the better!

[Trippin2.0]

Definitly gonna have to put up a 'weirdo's welcome' sign on my cave you're a really good friend (sister) too, thanks for always being there hoping to feel 'whole' in the morning, or I might just call in sick if I'm still crying at random crap.

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe with time you can pull off an intermediate relationship, or, better yet, several of them concurrently as it is easier to keep a distance when there are more people involved. Say, yes to an occasional date night out but no to getting introduced to Jordan and your brother. Remote access, so to speak. Strict boundaries. I think one can do it with bpd.

[Trippin2.0]

Funny you should say that Hammy I keep thinking its the bpd that prevents me from being successful at remote access... Will keep it in mind tho, thanks

[hamster-bamster]

You probably chased off guys with whom you were trying to play house. So try guys with whom you are not playing house, not at all, not in a million years.

[Trippin2.0]

That's just it. It never starts as playing house, but quickly morphs into the opposite of what I sought out. Men suddenly decide they're inlove, I didnt know I EVER wanted THAT until I was knee deep in whatever the last relationship even was... It just gets too complicated too fast. Idk how to prevent that. And this time around, I have a different set of complications... Will keep your suggestion in mind for future reference sake tho, coz for right now, and the near future, its out of the question...

[pegasus]

Sending a hug >>>>>> ((((((((( Trippin2.0 )))))))))

[faerie_moon_x]

Oh, I know what it is! I bet you're that "quirky girl" who just fits into that media image of "guys like quirky girls." What is that movie... it had Sandra Bullock and her and this guy were going across country on a bus he to his wedding, and her to see her kid. She was bipolar or something but it made her fun and spontaneous (but a past full of bad relationships) so the guy almost calls of his wedding for her...

Yeah! That girl! And it's not like you want to be that girl. Guys just do that to you, right?

[Trippin2.0]

A quirky bipolar Sandra Bullock? Hmmm, have to think about that one. But you got one thing right. I never go looking for it, it always just happens. They bring feelings and love and future into the mix. And the one time I let myself (seriously) go with it, he ran off. So ya, maybe not Sandra Bullock, he would have stayed if I were her

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

A quirky bipolar Sandra Bullock? Hmmm, have to think about that one. But you got one thing right. I never go looking for it, it always just happens. They bring feelings and love and future into the mix. And the one time I let myself (seriously) go with it, he ran off. So ya, maybe not Sandra Bullock, he would have stayed if I were her

Nah, because in the movie he goes with his fiancee and they get married. But, if I remember rightly, Sandra Bullock was trying to convince him to do that and not run away with her. I think... I haven't seen it in a long time. think it was called "Forces of Nature" it came out several years ago now, (Like 10 or more.)

So even quirky Sandra Bullock can't keep a man. Look what happened with Jesse James... if she has trouble the rest of us are all doomed! She seems like such a level headed nice lady considering she is a movie star.