once a cutter always one..but one in recovery

This may seem as an odd post but i thought maybe it could help some who suffer from self-mutilation as i do. I havnt harmed myself now since 2008. I also suffered from substance abuse years ago and while in treatment I was suggested to write a "dear addiction" letter to my drug of choice. I then took that advice on my addiction to hurting myself. I wrote my letter in Aug of 2007 and didnt cut for a long time. only once more in 2008 did i have a moment of waekness and almost cut my finger off and had to get stitches. after that i pulled my letter out and read it daily to remind myself that i could defeat it. my letter writes " Dear Addiction, I Have so many questions to ask of you. The main one being why do you stay with me? Haunt me? I could be fine and somehow you still manage to find me. Why is it that when im alone you make your grand appearance? Its everytime I think your under control, you find some way to slip underneath my skin.
You make me feel so alone, helpless, yet so alive. I dont know why you have chosen me, why i do the things I do. Why i act out this way. I could be ok and then look around to see one of your tools and just feel the urge and before realizing what happened Im watching blood run down my arm. Its like the feeling of being more alive yet so scared, confused, lost, misunderstood, then helpless.
Ive used you as a coping tool for so long and I really just wish I knew how to just say goodbye forever. I have realized that drugs and alcohol were going to kill me if I didnt stop using them but for some reason i have become unafraid of you. When you find me you have already overcome my mind and caused inflictions before Ive had the thought of how wrong what your doing to me is. How i will end up feeling afterward. How all you will leave me with is scars to remind me of my past, of you defeating me. And no matter how far i run from you, your always getting ahead of me. Then slowing me down, to where when im on top i fall back down to the bottom only to find you there too. And as i pick myself back up and think everythings ok, you wait until something goes wrong only to again overcome my mind to where i cant break free.
Why is your grip so strong? Why so controlling? Why wont you just leave me alone? I would be better off without you and i know this, but somehow your controllingness over powers my mind. How much more of this will i have to suffer through before you are finally satisfied? Until im dead? How much longer will you make me run? Until i cant walk?
Dear Addiction, you make me sick and I need help getting rid of you. I will one day break free of your control. You will no longer beat me to top to push me back down as I will have ways of destroying your curse uopn me. Fear not of you anymore as you will fear me. Just wait, your day will come before mine when you are gone and i am finally free!!!"

Hello,

Well, I have self-harm issues as well but I'm a hitter, not a cutter. Also I have fought with suicidal ideation since I was 12. I still have problems with my hitting, and it's not something I"m proud of. I'm working on it. For me it comes on with rage.

I think they are similar in the fact that they are not issues on their own. Self-harm and suicidal ideation are symptoms of a larger issue. Like a fever is a symptom of an infection. A fever is dangerous, but it's not the illness. Just treating the fever may help it to subside, like if you take a tylenol your fever will go down. But it doesn't cure the infection, so after four hours that fever can come right back.

Do you see what I mean?

I understand how you say you'll be doing fine and suddenly you think it. One small thing happens and that's where your mind goes. The key isn't just treating that, but all of the illness. It is probably a life-long battle since bipolar is chronic and has no cure. I know that isn't a great answer. But I do think it's a battle that can be won every time. I also think that fighting it can get easier. I know it's easier for me and I consider myself in remission for my suicidal ideation, because I've beaten it down.

But, that also doesn't mean I let my gaurd down. I know it's in there, and I know the consequences of letting it take control of me. I like to imagine that I am a warrior, like a knight in shinning armor. I'm my own knight in shinning armor, I guess. That image has really helped me in my battle.

I see what your saying. I like to think im in remission with my cutting as well since ive not actually done it now for almost five years but i do still continue to carry the thoughts of wanting to especially when things get rough. Ive actually had thoughts recently which is what made me reopen my past to read my addiction letter as i see my cutting as an addiction. I not only used to cut but would also hit and burn myself as well. Ive got several scars and have had several broken bones as well from my affliction. Anything to cause pain when i needed it was a way of coping before but i like to think im in terms sober from it. In writing the letter i was hoping to be able to visually see that i do still suffer from it and probably always will but i can also be alert and on top as being aware that i can stop myself from where before i felt like i couldnt. Thank you for your response back

I stopped cutting myself almost 9 years ago with the exception of an incident when I was on Zoloft but I was pretty much psychotic then anyway. Despite having hundreds of scars covering my arms and legs I don't identify with it anymore and find the idea of doing it rather odd. It's a coping mechanism that worked when I had nothing else and sometimes a reaction to weird thinking and ideas going through my mind but the idea that I would always be a "cutter" even worse. "once a cutter always a cutter" thinking sets you up to fail.

Once I understood why I was doing it and allowed myself healthier options, sometimes even demanding them, I naturally grew out of it, even stopped understanding the desire to do ot? with the exception of the crazy...which I'd say is on a whole other realm of reality than "cutting".

i'm a cutter/ burner.

on and off

In reading after in the title its says "but one in recovery". Cutting can be like an addiction. A coping mechanisim, (as you stated you used at one time) some use just as some would turn to alcohol or drugs for an momentary escape. I used to cut and its been 5 years since ive last done it but i still have the wondering thoughts about what if i did or not. Thats not to say i would do it because i know me well enough that i wouldnt. But i tend to still go through the thinking of it just as i too am a recovering alcoholic. I dont drink and have been sober for 3 years but i still have the thoughts some days on what would happen if i picked up a drink. Me being an alcoholic cant say in ten years time that because ive not drank im not one anymore. Thats dangerous thinking to a person in recovery. My husband(who has since passed away) was sober for 15 years before returning back to alcohol only to find himself back where he had started while first getting sober. He gained 3 years before passing away but while being out the 4 years he was he helped damage his body enough to complicate his health, making it much harder to survive during his last months of life. My point in this is that some are lucky enough to just stop and never look back when it comes to such afflictions brought unto themselves, but some are not so much and have to live a life of recovery from it, whether it be drugs, alcohol, cutting, food, or anything one uses or has used as a tool they see as a way of coping. I say congrats to you on not having the thoughts or actions of cutting in 9 years time and wish you many such more years. Im sorry if it sounds as though im lashing out or replying in an angry manner, as im not. I just felt as though i needed to stress that not all can forget or change their thinking about certain situations or behaviors used during their lifetime as easy as some can. I am one of those people. I will always be a cutter and will always have the scars to remind me i am. But i choose to live in recovery rather than hurting myself because for me its not easy to just forget and let things go.

I self harm. I cut. I no longer do it daily thankfully.

Im glad you no longer do it daily. One step at a time I know how difficult it is to stop. I still suffer from thoughts of wanting to especially here lately more than ever which is why i started the thread. Yesterday was a rough one for me as i was sitting some plates in the kitchen sink and a glass cup(my favorite) broke into peices and while cleaning it up i picked up a peice that would have been so perfect for the action, i looked at it for over a min gliding it accross my thumb in feeling how sharp it was and then stopped myself somehow in realizing what i was doing. I myself was never able to think before my actions and today i can and am so thankful. Thats why when i say once a cutter..always one(in recovery for me) because i do still suffer through the thinking of it. Its not an easy quest to stop but i wish you the very best and will keep you in my thoughts i dont know if you read my first post but maybe you could try writing a letter? Its just a suggestion..not saying its an addiction for you so please dont take offense. Last thing i ever want to do is offend anyone by anything i write. Take care

I keep wanting to respond to this thread but something keeps stopping me. So I'm taking that something and stomping it to the ground lol.

when I cut, I didn't have hundreds of scars on my arms and legs... I maintained wounds lol. What I mean is, on my hand I had four cuts and my arm one. I heal fast so every day, sometimes twice or three times a day, I would reopen the existing cuts. sounds gross, huh. But I kept cutting deeper and deeper in the same one. hurt so much more than making a fresh cut too. I think that was the point. but anyways, I still get the urge to do it. It's just something that you have to accept and let it be normal.

Brush teeth, check. comb hair, check. Don't cut, check. Take meds, check. don't drink beer, check. lol.

and speaking on the issue of cutting, when i got my tattoo, it brought back that same feeling as cutting, but it lasted for days and days. but at least with a tattoo you can show it off lol.

so don't go get one if you are in recovery.

honestly, between you and me, I miss it sometimes. I miss it times like now. Cutting is something, and right now I need something. anything.

I'm a self harmer and agree that once a self harmer always a harmer. I'm in recovery and have not harmed in 3 months. I'm proud of myself cause there have been many times when it was something I really wanted to do.

I know what you mean by cutting and reopening wounds as when i cut i did that too. I have such bad scars from it and not like you i heal horribly. It can take a few weeks for just a tiny scratch on me to heal. When i was cutting i at the time got a tattoo and it also gave me that feeling which is now why i have 16 of them and well i also have 11 peircings (8in each ear, nose lip and tongue though i dont wear my nose and lip rings anymore ever since i stopped cutting) all of my peircings i did myself too except for my tongue and i did all my tattoos as well. I made my own tattoo gun so it was easy at the time to keep shooting them. I also did tattoos onother people for some timebut dont anymore. Im glad you responded to the post. I hope you can find something other than cutting to relieve whats going on. Big hugs to you and if you ever need someone to talk with im always around.

Im glad youve not cut in 3 months congrats. I can relate to that feeling of wanting to. Been some years for me since ive last cut but still go through those thoughts of wanting to but the longer you go without cutting the thoughts get easier to deal with. Take care and i wish you many more successful months of your recovery

I didn't cut, but I did hit.

I also have problems eating when I'm anxious and I see that as self harm. (I have some body dysphoria) I also binge eat which can be a form of self-harm.

I haven't hit in a few months, though! The past 3 days I had a lot of anxiety and I didn't even hit my legs.

I still have binge eating issues though.

I know its not the typical self-harm.

I have to say im quite happy with the replies this post has gotten. Im extremely glad youve not hit in a few months. It really makes me happy to hear and know people who have this struggle in life and are trying not to do harm to themselves. I know having anxiety can make situations feel worse and more tempting in wanting to self harm so i congradgulate you in getting through it and not taking that route
I used to eat and purge years ago so i know the struggle of an eating disorder as it to is a rough road to take and find a different path from. I struggle with it still today as i purged a few days ago but i find it to be as of less harm to myself than cutting or hitting/burning that i put myself through before. In purging, it was the first time in a few years that i had did it when it occured and im still not understanding why i even did it. Dont get me wrong i myself do still consider it as of self harm too but not as damaging(unless i was doing it daily..like i was a few yrs ago). Im glad your not hitting, thats a good first step take care and best wishes in your recovery from self harm

I don't actually puke.

I just binge until my stomach feels really bloated. I don't really like the sensation of puking and have a sensitive gag reflex.

Thank you for the well wishes. I'm glad you're doing better now, too!