[missionscorpio]

Hi,
This is my first post and I am feeling so trapped in my current situation.
A brief summary of my illness and issues.

Age 44. Alcohilic or abused alcohol from the age of 15.
Grew up in a very aggressive alcoholic family (Father very agressive) in Ireland. He was hospitalized on at least three occasions for alcohlism and depression(depression was never mentioned)
Mother kept family together and always hoped for better things.
Always financially comfortable due to her business.

Left school and "ran off to England squatting and living in conditions not short of Squalor.
Came back in a wheelchair after falling out of a window drunk.

Given another chance to go to college. Took it and kept drinking and kept failing years leading to low self esteem and deep anger with Father who would criticize me and yet behave much worse.
Eventually got a BA Arts. but because I was 2 years older my thinking said I can never get a "proper job" so kept working in bars and restaurants.

DUI and lost my Licence and my mother passed away. "ran away" again to USA this time.

At this stage I am now 26 and have bounced in and out of AA many times puttingt ogether weeks sometimes months but always working in Bars and always going back on the drink eventually for happy or sad reasons.

Stumbled into crack cocaine and now Alcohol would only open the door.
Meanwhile I got married to an Asian American I'm caucasian. Have one beautiful sn who I adore. However the crack use devastated me financially and I have also tried to reinvent myself in other occupations.

Put together most recently a year sobriety after my second DUI.

Throughout all of this I have been in and out of AA and in and out of counselling and on and off many different Meds including Prozac, Aplenzin Seroquel wellbutrin lamictal neurontin trileptal. So many different combos and then possibly he might give me nuvigil to help concentration. I have not attended AA in a year became very anti AA (resentment and anger towards it have lifted) but relationship with my wife is at an all time low.

The issue with my wife is that throughout all our trials and tribulations the one thing I asked her to do was to attend counselling with me or on her own. She comes froms a very dysfunctional family also with a mother that works 7 days a week still at 77 and had a sister who was chronic depressive and died recently and a father she very much hates because she blames him for the Mother still working and then transfers the hate on to me saying she married a loser as well.

The fighting and the lack of communication between us spirals me into depression now rather than slamming the door and wanting to use and my son is being terribly affected. We basically take turns taking care of him.

Because I haven't worked for so long and I am financially broke the depression just weighs me down and I can't move out of this very comfortable uncomfrtability. I cannot keep being abused by her when I haven't done anything to deserve it. It is my prior history that is being brought up by her when she has a go at me and I just retreat to my room. (yes we are in seperate bedrooms)

I don't even know if I am available for social security. I worked as a bartender and got a lot of cash and didn't declare much. She leaves 350.00 each week on the table for me.
The depression or the way I feel stops me from taking action and I get further down spending a lot of the morning on the computer waiting for my son to come home.

I "think" I would be better off in a single room on my own. because as soon as I hear the garage door opening I start to just freeze up and get this deeply scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. The same way when my Father came home drunk. I am just waiting to be attaked.

I went off the meds (prozac) three months ago because I was still retreating to my room and still chronically depressed and did not feel they were alleviating any of the symptoms. The zaps have gone and I don't want to go and start anything at the moment. I haven't seen my doc in over two months. I am clear headed but I feel alone and scared. If I go back to the doc he will want me back on meds I fear. I need to get through this with support but the ony support network I know of is AA and I am "done" with that outdated and quite frankly failed support.

I am looking for advice and suggestions. I have no reason to believe in a higher power or any type of god. I am looking for a secular and a humanistic scientific and rational approach.
I have also looked at CBT but I am just looking right now for the support of like minded people who are struggling with their living situation and trying to make conditions as amicable as possible.
I did ask her if we could use email to express our feelings allowing the other to read and reflect and then give a response. Rather than getting very emotional and abusive to each other as usually happens(OR I retreat to my room or she will ignore any request to sit and talk or discuss)

Thank you.

[Victoria'smom]

You need to look out for yourself. If you can start therapy. There's been a lot of damage that may or may not be able to be repair. She doesn't seem "over" the pain and is lashing out at you. This does not excuse her abuse of you. If you are not going to AA have her go to alanon. You can't force her to therapy. Just as much as no one can or should force medication on you. She may actually resent you for mentioning it because she may see it as all your fault. She may warm up to visiting yours from time to time.

Here's some steps you can take to make a better situation:
Try not to argue because your son doesn't need that.
Ask her to try alanon
look into HUD (section 8 & public housing)
Look into SSI
Get yourself a good therapist

Since your on the computer stop here.

[missionscorpio]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

You need to look out for yourself. If you can start therapy. There's been a lot of damage that may or may not be able to be repair. She doesn't seem "over" the pain and is lashing out at you. This does not excuse her abuse of you. If you are not going to AA have her go to alanon. You can't force her to therapy. Just as much as no one can or should force medication on you. She may actually resent you for mentioning it because she may see it as all your fault. She may warm up to visiting yours from time to time.

Here's some steps you can take to make a better situation:
Try not to argue because your son doesn't need that.
Ask her to try alanon
look into HUD (section 8 & public housing)
Look into SSI
Get yourself a good therapist

Since your on the computer stop here.

Thanks for the reply.
I am in Therapy. go every Monday at 310pm. I take my son and he does his homework in another room.
The therapist is okay but I don't feel like I am solving any problems at home through it but I am attending and I am compliant.

As for my wife attending Al Anon. We are not getting along that is for sure but I don't hate her. I have already stated in my op what I thought of AA. Why would you assume I would think Al Anon is any better. Al-Anon's program of recovery is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What s SSI?

If this forum is primarily God centered then maybe I need to look elsewhere?

[Clinte89]

They at exist suggestions this form is pretty god neutral I think. I'm not religious myself which is why aa didn't do it for me so I feel ya on the aa issue. Therapy takes a long time to work or help I've only been in a few months and haven't noticed a big difference but it does help get it out. Just hang in there and don't give up on us just yet.

[peaches86]

I wouldnt say that this forum here is God based though i do assume people here do have God and faith in their hearts as a way of coping. Ive not been on this site for a long time but in reading many posts ive seen it as of poeple who are wanting and needing advice in certain situations or just needing to vent. I am 26 years and too am an alchoholic and recovering drug addict though without going to AA anymore. I struggle with communication with my fiance as he doesnt understand my mental illness or my struggles with past addictions. I have tried many of medications all of which you have mentioned and then some with all having bad side affects and no success. The e-mail idea you had in communicating with your wife sounds like a good one. I wish actually that my fiance would go for that but he wouldnt. We argue alot and cant have normal conversation as i sometimes just cant control what comes out of my mouth. Im not sure how to help you or what advice i can give you but i sure hope you can find something that helps. I never wanted to be on meds myself with all the struggles ive faced with them but i myself had to keep trying because without them i cant function. Oh and SSI means social security income or you could try for SSD which is social security disability. Take care.

[missionscorpio]

Originally Posted by peaches86

I wouldnt say that this forum here is God based though i do assume people here do have God and faith in their hearts as a way of coping. Ive not been on this site for a long time but in reading many posts ive seen it as of poeple who are wanting and needing advice in certain situations or just needing to vent. I am 26 years and too am an alchoholic and recovering drug addict though without going to AA anymore. I struggle with communication with my fiance as he doesnt understand my mental illness or my struggles with past addictions. I have tried many of medications all of which you have mentioned and then some with all having bad side affects and no success. The e-mail idea you had in communicating with your wife sounds like a good one. I wish actually that my fiance would go for that but he wouldnt. We argue alot and cant have normal conversation as i sometimes just cant control what comes out of my mouth. Im not sure how to help you or what advice i can give you but i sure hope you can find something that helps. I never wanted to be on meds myself with all the struggles ive faced with them but i myself had to keep trying because without them i cant function. Oh and SSI means social security income or you could try for SSD which is social security disability. Take care.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. And your post is a great help already.
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but it is nice to have people who may understand the feelings without the proselytizing.

I have found for me in the last year that following my own gut feeling on my conscience and investigating it rather than metaphorically and literally, running screaming into AA meetings etc trying to get someone to fix me. And then when the sheer terror of the last bender etc. had worn off I was left having to be around something that really went against almost all my base instincts.It has got me into a healthier place.

A good example would be having the courage and the correct way of addressing the poster who asked me to "have my wife go to Al-Anon" (i don't mean to pick on the poster who was trying to help but I have a very limited frame of reference for people here at the moment.

I have also made an appt.for my Pdoc to sit and tell him about going off my meds. Thinking about it, he really isn't missing me, meaning no phone call no check up etc. Last time I went off my meds was because I was using and I had got all bent out of shape because he didn't get anyone from his office to call me prior to me picking up. He told me it was my health/recovery and I am responsible.
So here's the thing, I am beginning to get some self esteem back I think. The idea that I had no clue how to get sober, that all my life I was trying and couldn't get sober.

Even today my T told me that I have got sober, I went into therapy. It is her(my wife) that hasn't changed. So she is still working off the same set of criteria as when I was drinking and using.

The big change in my thinking is the amount of time while not working I have spent on learning about the things I would get into such arguments over without the knowledge to discuss them.
It seems that the more I can critically evaluate, the less offense I take and therefore my moods are more stable and If I don't know something in a discussion I simply make a note to go and learn more. Before I would stew over the person I was having the discussion with.

I hope I can keep up with coming on here and posting. Thanks for the SSI. That's tomorrow's work.

Cheers,

[missionscorpio]

Originally Posted by peaches86

I wish actually that my fiance would go for that but he wouldnt. .

Have you asked him and he refused or are you just assuming? I couldn't tell from your post sorry!

[peaches86]

Sometimes we do things while being drunk or high that tend to affect people for a long time and the only way to allow their thinking to change is just to keep getting better and changing for the better of ourselves. I hurt alot of people while being out especially my family and still today even after being sober for over 3 years im constantly reminded of how i was before and how much i hurt them in the past. I get treated still by some of my family as though ive never changed. Some things we cant fix but we always can be willing to try. I was married once before(my husband passed away) but while married i went to aa. i cant say i dont go anymore because of the same reasons you have but i dont go because its a huge reminder of my husband. i can relate to the meds issue though when you speak about wanting to go off meds not thinking your doc cares. For me i was on a combo of meds that made me hallucinate and lose reality for over two months. When trying to call and repeatedly get in touch with her fearing for my life i ended up in the hospital due to not getting a call back. i was there for 10 days and I quickly changed doctors and the doctor i have now has been great thus far in listening to my concerns. He is starting me on a new med that he called into today called pristuq which ive never taken so i am a little worried about what may come about while taking it. Im really glad you responded back and if ever you need someone to talk to or if i can help in anyway, im usually online periodically during the day. I wish you goodluck tomorrow. Have a good night

[Victoria'smom]

Warning woke up in a bad mood...

Okay,
SSI- Social security for low income people that can not work.

I mentioned ala-non for your wife because she will not participate in traditional therapy. At least she'd have others support to help with her feelings. How she gets her support is not up to you and she may find it helpful, if she is not offended by it. Others may tell her to go to therapy there. She sounds more willing to listen to others then to you currently.

I have to say I was surprised my post sounded god-centered to you. I am sorry if I offended, I have never had "god-centered" put as an adjective to describe me.

Your Description of Therapy as attending, compliment and the therapist being okay to me sounds court appointed and useless. You need to find a place that you can trust.

____________________________________________________________

Okay so after reading what you have posted to others. I get the impression you have not know your therapist for long enough or your just not connecting. Therapy seems to work in a sneaky way that one day you look back and realize you have been making better decisions.

Your wife may not have had enough time to adjust or she may be petrified of you getting better. You can't force her to get help and it can be scary to watch a loved one get better. When you feel your at a stand still. Also the fear of you "slipping" may make her not want to get her hopes up.

As you get to know me you'll realize I will suggest things based on the post and what I know about the person rather than what I would do for myself. I fully believe in mental health situations everyone in the family needs a therapist as well as a joint therapist. I would have suggested your son see a therapist but your's sounded court ordered and your wife seems against it.

BP has a high rate of non-med compliance so generally professionals will tell you it's your recovery due as you wish but their suggestion is X. If anyone is going to call to check up it's the therapist if you are still their client. It shouldn't be taken personal but pdocs tend to sit back and wait so there's less non-compliance in the end. There are several people here that are un-medicated. I can't be unmedicated and face consequences even when attempting. The above post was constructed after 2 days unmedicated. Sorry for the disjointedness. I'll try better next time.

[peaches86]

Originally Posted by missionscorpio

Have you asked him and he refused or are you just assuming? I couldn't tell from your post sorry!

I have made an effort to ask but it only seemed to cause another argument. He isnt much of a writer but has agreed that if i feel something bothering me he wouldnt mind reading a letter ive written to him with expecting no replies back.. Maybe it could help? Who knows..its worth a try i guess.

[missionscorpio]

I hurt alot of people while being out especially my family and still today even after being sober for over 3 years im constantly reminded of how i was before and how much i hurt them in the past. I get treated still by some of my family as though ive never changed.

This is what I am standing up to now. I am done with people who use the past as a way of hurting me in the present. It is emotional abuse and I don't put up with it.

I was married once before(my husband passed away)

I am so very sorry to hear that.

He is starting me on a new med that he called into today called pristuq which ive never taken so i am a little worried about what may come about while taking it.

Good luck with that.

Thanks for the post, looking forward to keeping in touch.

[missionscorpio]

@Miguel's Mom

Warning woke up in a bad mood...

What are you warning me about? That you might be nasty? I'm confused.

I mentioned ala-non for your wife because she will not participate in traditional therapy. At least she'd have others support to help with her feelings. How she gets her support is not up to you

If how she gets her support is not up to me how do you reconcile that with your previous suggestion of "have her go to Al-Anon" especially when it is something that I absolutely disagree with. I thought it was perfectly clear in my OP of what I thought of 12 step recovery programs.

I am sorry if I offended, I have never had "god-centered" put as an adjective to describe me.

I am not offended. I am just trying to clarify. I didn't describe you as god centered. I asked if this forum was god centered, then I may need to look elsewhere, that's all. I said this because you, after reading my post and I assume understanding it went right ahead and mentioned a 12 step program for recovery for my wife. I said in my opening post that I was looking for a particular type of support.
Actual Quote I

need to get through this with support but the only support network I know of is AA and I am "done" with that outdated and quite frankly failed support.

I am looking for advice and suggestions. I have no reason to believe in a higher power or any type of god. I am looking for a secular and a humanistic scientific and rational approach

.
And the very next post is yours telling me to have my wife go to Al Anon among other things.. I am just saying that if you read my post carefully you would have seen this quite clearly so I questioned whether the forum had an agenda on the strength of your post nothing more.
And I have received other posts assuring me that this was not the case however there are people on the forum who believe in god/gods and spirituality.
That's fine with me.

Your Description of Therapy as attending, compliment and the therapist being okay to me sounds court appointed and useless. You need to find a place that you can trust.

The therapy was court appointed but I have fulfilled those obligations long ago. I like her and I feel comfortable with her,and I do trust her. But sometimes feel I am not finding solutions but merely rehashing my weeks events and having someone listen. However my usual MO was to go to the T to "fix me so to speak and I wanted the best one to tell me what is "wrong" with me so I can fix it. I am slowly realizing that the "fixing" the "change" is very much self determined. Being responsible for my health and my welfare and my decision making is giving me a far healthier outlook on life and I am slowly, very slowly unlearning old habits and behaviors based on my so called powerlessness.

Therapy seems to work in a sneaky way that one day you look back and realize you have been making better decisions.

Only if those decisions have put you in a better place, no?

As you get to know me you'll realize I will suggest things based on the post and what I know about the person rather than what I would do for myself.

you suggested the exact opposite of what I requested in my post but I am looking forward to getting to know you better.

Sorry for the disjointedness. I'll try better next time.

And so you should, only kidding, what's there to be sorry for? You took the time to reply to me for whatever reasons and I am now in a position to respond back. It's dialogue, chat,community. I hope you don't feel guilty for not being good enough.Where is that coming from? Feel free to chat if you like.

[missionscorpio]

I have made an effort to ask but it only seemed to cause another argument. He isnt much of a writer but has agreed that if i feel something bothering me he wouldnt mind reading a letter ive written to him with expecting no replies back.. Maybe it could help? Who knows..its worth a try i guess.

I agree that it would help you at least in any case, putting your feelings down on paper and finding the words that expresses how you feel.(yo would also have a record of your thoughts, a diary so to speak)
But I would also add when writing him that you would also love to hear back from him in writing. If he fails to then it is up to him to bring up in conversation what you wrote. If he is asking you to expect no reply at all then he is just basically ignoring you unless the arena and issue suits him and him alone. IMO