[Barney2000]

Well, i've been struggling with this question for a long time. And it looks like bipolarity, but some important aspects are lacking. First of all, i had a terrible youth. When i became 16/17 i started doing drugs sporadically (weed, cocaine, xtc,) because of some bad friends, and binge drinking to cope with stress and to be liked by others (like a couple of times each month). So then i became 18 and i realized i needed to change my life. I went to university, and i became sober and drug free. It was great. So in the summer vacation i met a girl, and i loved her. But she dumped me, so i became depressed as **** (it was my first real love). Then the next year at university started and i stayed depressed like hell for a full year, i didn't see my old friends anymore. But when the summer vacation arrived and ive started to feel better, they asked me to join them on vacation. Well it became a nightmare. I felt on top of the world, i took risks and ive started to binge drink almost every evening. I followed my friends to festivals, and tried to mail the organisers to say that we were journalists and so on, so we could enter for free and get backstage and so on. I started to hit on alot of girls (because thats what they (my "friends" did too). But i never started something serious with them, or ive never slept with them. But ok. Summer vacation came to an end, and i had to go to university again. I started to study again, but this time it was different. I still had high grades, but because of my binge drinking vacation, i started to think that i had severe brain damage, and that i became retarted. On the other hand i felt very ashamed for the things i've done (mostly when i was drunk, but also things like contacting the organisers to lie about us being journalists and so on). Halfway the year, i broke. I had severe panic attacks, i couldn't move anymore, i thought i was dying. It passed away, but i remained more anxious than i was (before university i was a though guy, and i was never anxious.). Because i became so anxious, i contacted my old friends again. Some of them actually helped me, saying they had experienced the same. But they took me out again. So binge drinking and partying sneaked in again. A new summer vacation arrived, and it had become full blown drinking and partying with them. I couldn't skip one of their evenings. But throughout the week (we mostly went in weekends), i was feeling very bad and very anxious. I felt like something was wrong with me, i was tired all week, i had severe brain fog, anxious about driving because i thought i was going to fall asleep, even thought that i was narcoleptic.

So here i am again, summer vacation ended and i'm 3 years further. Thinking whole days about how ive behaved in summer vacation, and how people have looked at me when i was drunk as hell, and not able to stand on my own legs, or when i kissed an ugly 40yo woman, or when i was walking down the street in my underwear and started to puke. (btw i quit drugs totally before going to university, my friends still do it)

Well, my question to you guys:

Do you think that i'm bipolar?

Or is it just a combination of: Bad friends, Stress-relief in summer vacation, A binge-drinking problem, low self esteem (need alcohol so people like me), too much spare time in summer vacation, anxiety, and so on ?

I hope someone takes time to read this, because i'm really scared.
Thanks in advance

[Lomika]

I think that you should see either a psychiatrist or a therapist. It's impossible to self-diagnose something like this.
When I was feeling very messed up, I went to see a therapist just to talk to someone. She referred me to a hospital, where I stayed for more than a week and there they diagnosed me with bipolar and put me on medication.

[Barney2000]

Well ok. I've made an appointment with a therapist. Mainly to adjust my behaviour, because i'm very self-destructive.
But i think i should mention that i study medicine, and therefore i diagnose myself almost each week with another disorder; heart failure, brain tumor, narcolepsy, panic disorder, bipolar disorder, impulse control disorder, computer addiction, and so on. At this moment i only think of Panic disorder and bipolar disorder and a low self esteem. First of all, i mainly drink that much in my vacations, because i dont talk alot when sober, and i'm one of those guys who stands next to the wall for the whole evening. So i should search some new friends, who do stuff throughout the day. Second of all, i would think that i'm not bipolar, because i was very depressed last vacation. I didn't feel euphoric at all, but rather tired, anxious, brain fog, and so on.

But last vacation i did want to write movie scripts (so i contacted a friend of me who shoots movies) and then i start to write a movie script, but after 1 hour i'm bored.
Then i wanted to go sailing, so i called a company and i went sailing on the sea for a whole week (never sailed before) and i went on my own with some strangers. After one day i didnt like it anymore, but i had to stay aboard (obviously).
So then i came back, and there was a congress. And tickets were sold out. So what did i do? I've contacted one of the main people who were speaking at the congress, and asked if i could join them (because they had some tickets for their family and friends). Is that a typical mania thing to do ?
At the end i wanted to start a company. So i started talking to people about it, and i even went on with it for a while. But after a month i noticed that it wouldnt work out and i quit (mainly it stayed an idea, i never did something to accomplish it, but i talked to alot of people about it).

Is this typical for a mania, or am i just a very bored and impulsive kid in the vacations? Just thinking about what's wrong with me is driving me absolutely crazy

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, it's hard to say. The thing I notice is you tend to have this happen in the summer. Do you do binge drinking during school? Do your grades suffer? You mention a lot of anxiety.

Bipolar is like... unpredictable in my experience. Drugs and binge drinking can happen because of it, that's true. But, it's not on a schedule. It can be triggered by things. I know I have cycle shifts around January, April/May and then around August/September every year, which I don't know why they shift at those times.

But it does seem you have triggering things like friends that drink too much. When drunk you can't really say things you are doing are due to illness. More due to drinking.

But it sounds like you at least have some pretty sever anxiety. I agree you should see a psychiatrist. If you can't, then at least try a psychologist or therapist. That's really the only way you'll know. Your school may have some services for those things.

[BlackPup]

Some things you write sound a bit manic so it would be worth talking with a pdoc about it. I guess it really boils down to the questions, "is your life affected by these episodes" and "are they out of character for you"
There are many people who make bizarre decisions or start but don't finish projects that are not BP.
Remember that the treatment for BP is lifelong meds that often have side effects and can be expensive so only go on the meds if these behaviours are negatively affecting your life.
Hope this helps.

[Barney2000]

Hello Dark Heart,
Thanks for your response. And no, my grades didn't suffer from it. I had the highest grades the past 3 years. Only now my grades are suffering, i'm skipping exams. Because every time i have to study, and i'm sitting for like 8 hours in my room, i start to think of the past and of the future; I'm ashamed of the past (i often think that i'm an inherent bad person), and i'm afraid of the future (so afraid that this summer it will all happen again).

My problem is, that at this moment i see that everything is wrong. But in summer, i also see that what i've did was wrong, but i start to think; That was the past, this time is different, **** it! But between two binges, i feel terrible. So then i go out two times in a row and i stay sober. But the third time, i explode again.

During the day in summer vacation, i'm pretty much hooked on the internet. And i have many ideas as i said, like writing movies, going sailing on my own across the sea, starting companies. I don't do most things i think about, or i start them and i don't finish them, because they werent that much fun as they were in my mind. But before i realise that i didnt like it that much, i talked about it to many people. So most people think i very often change my mind (which i do). My friends also know that when school starts, they don't hear from me again untill next summer.

I made my first appointment at a therapist (i'm a bit afraid of psychiatrists, because i don't like the idea of taking medication which has an effect on my brain--> As i said earlier, i have a phobia for changes in my brain, despite all my binge drinking which is making it worse). I'm also afraid that my therapist will say something like; you are one of the baddest cases i've seen in my whole life, you should immediately go to a psychiatrist.

I'm afraid of not being normal. It's something of my youth. My whole family is depressed, my sister has borderline, and my dad is said to be bipolar (but it started after a severe accident, and a severe aneurysm in the frontal lobe in his brain, so maybe i shouldnt be that much afraid of inheriting bipolarity from my father?)?

I'm just very afraid, and i feel like a bad person. I wasn't always good for other people. And therefore, i tend to keep people away from me because i think i'm a bad person and that i should stay alone.

Furthermore, i've never been aggressive since like 12yo. I don't like discussions and i don't like fights.

But i must say, in summer i often have moments like i'm feeling to explode, stress is killing me. When i see my mother at those moments i don't want to talk. So i just say to her, sorry mum but i feel very stressed, and i know that i'm going to say things which i will regret in a couple of hours when you talk to me now. At such moments i go back to my room, and i often stay in my room for the whole day, untill the stress wears off. This stress mostly occurs after evenings of binge drinking.

At school i'm a quiet and very respected person, who is very academic and kind. Although when i'm walking at school, i still feel like that person with a big secret of drug and alcohol abuse, who is inherently bad.

Thanks everyone for reading this. You're helping me alot. Never told this stuff to anyone, but recently it all became to much, and it had to get out, because it was starting to impair my normal life.

[Barney2000]

Furthermore, i think i should mention that i've always been very impulsive. As i kid, i had to undergo a psychiatric investigation. The result was that i was very impulsive.

But how i remember it, i was a true dickhead as a young child. I was incredibly dominant, and incredibly rude (at this moment i'm not rude at all anymore), and i've always had an intense anger inside me. I was indeed very impulsive, doing everything i liked, shouting when i wanted to shout, couldn't sit still, did what i wanted to do (and yes, i'm even ashamed of my period between the age of 5-15). So i had to take methylphenidate (ritalin). I didnt help me at all, it only led me to take drugs more easily (like cocaine when i was 17-18). But ok, everyone knows me as being impulsive.

When i went to university, i could supress my impulsivity, but i often asked questions directly when they came in my mind, and when i couldnt find something in my books i send an e-mail to the teacher immediately (often when i turned around the page i found the anwer, but i had already sent the email). So i'm impulsive all year long. But in summer my impulsivity shifts to binge drinking and doing stupid things.

But after last year i started to become ashamed, and ive started to become depressed sometimes.

Am i just growing up or am i finally getting out of a very hard puberty?

I'm really curious about what the therapist is going to say. Because ive been searching for so long to find what is wrong with me. (Even at the age of 5-6 i remember myself going to my mother to say that i didnt wanted to live anymore, only so my father could beat me for letting my mother feel bad.)

[Trippin2.0]

I'm no doc but I hear 'Binge Alcoholic' more than bipolar. I hope I'm wrong and even if I am, you should really talk to a therapist about it.

[BlueWhisky]

Might be borderline personality disorder too. I'm BPD and I do the binge drinking and associated nuttiness.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, I'm thinking BPD or ADD possibly. My husband has adult ADD, but he most definately had it as a kid, too. Like he's never read a whole book in his life, even for school. His ADD can really fuel his anger, because he gets impatient easily due to easily distracted. Example: he doesn't like to stand in a long line and will avoid it, because he knows it makes him irritable. He also had a mean streak as a kid from what I understand.

The ADD makes him extremely impulsive. And the impulse is like: "I have an idea, and it has to happen now. No, I can't even wait one day. If it doesn't happen now, then everything is ruined!" It makes life an adventure, that's for sure, but I actually like that about him a lot. Because of my anxiety I worry and over-plan to the point that I never get anywhere. So, he makes things happen.

Anyway, I'm not a doctor but what you say reminds me of that.

Also, the meds thing.... if you do have bipolar or ADD, meds can help. You say you don't like things that alter your mind, that's fine. But just remember that the reason meds are out there is because it's a medical condition (I know, people don't think of it that way because it's "mental illness," ) But the reason meds work is because there is something going on chemically in the neverous system that causes the impulses of your brain and nerves to behave differently. In the end it's your choice. But, for some the choice is meds for wellness vs. no meds for continued problems that can cause serious issues in life.

Example: my husband doesn't always get his ADD meds because they are too expensive. But it's obvious his functionality is lower without them. I have the same issue, I can't always get my meds. But when I'm on them, I am less volitile, which is a good thing for me. It's all about risk/reward....

[Barney2000]

Trippin, BlueWhisky, DarkHeart, thanks for your comments. I was diagnosed with ADD earlier, so i think i can work to change myself. Your comments have calmed me down a bit. It's just, a few years ago, i was a though guy. If anyone had a problem, i said stuff like: "Don't whine about it, and just change.". I worked like 12 hours each day for my med-studies and i suppressed my past (I did like nothing ever happened). But then all of a sudden, it hit me. I got panic attacks about almost everything. So everything changed. Sometimes i'm glad that it hit me, otherwise i remained the jerk i was. Now i'm really caregiving and empathic.

I still live with my mother, so today i told her about my past (drug use, and alcohol abuse). And she was like; "it's nice that you finally tell me whats wrong, now i don't have to guess anymore. It's not such a big deal. And we're going to work together to change your alcohol abuse and impulsivity".

So i guess this was a good start. Concerning meds, i just hate all of them since i've used ritalin. It made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. I couldn't walk on the street, because i felt awkward. So i quit taking them before university, and when i stopped my grades were higher than ever.

Concerning bipolarity meds, i just saw that everybody has alot of side effects from them, and since i'm willing to specialize, i will have to study for another ten years. And i can't afford myself to be tired. I need to be focused. And reading about Lithium scared me, because it enters neurons by potassium channels but it can't leave by potassium-sodium-ATPases, so it accumulates in the brain.

Nevertheless, i wan't to thank you guys for responding and calming me a bit! You're all so kind! It's just; my father was diagnosed as being bipolar after his accident (i think its a wrong diagnosis). I think this mainly because his psychiatrist said that he was a lost case and not willing to change. And the psychiatrist of my sister met him too, and he said to my sister (literally): "If your father calls you again that he's about to commit suicide, please let him". My sister was diagnosed with borderline, and my mother with severe depression. So i grew up in pretty though situations. This is the first time i talked about it. But i think that you all understand now, that i'm always searching for the answer on my always recurring question: "What is wrong with me?".

Thanks everyone. You all helped me!

[BlueWhisky]

The Greenwich Union. Just getting ready to leave hous

[BlueWhisky]

Whoops, sorry! Just posted a text by accident and don't know how to delete it on my phone! Sorry!

[BlueWhisky]

It's so hard to arrive at a diagnosis by yourself... And professionals don't always fall over themselves to provide one either. We're all so different. Good luck and keep posting here tho.

[faerie_moon_x]

It's good you told your mom and I'm happy she's supportive. Use that support and get into therapy. ADD can mimic bipolar sometimes (I read about it when my husband was diagnosed.) There are key differences, but can be hard to spot just by looking at yourself. Best to see a professional. At least you know you have your mom for support.

[Barney2000]

Yes, i'm really glad that she's willing to help me. But ok, hopefully i'm just a hypochondriac with an alcohol abuse problem.

Because, when time goes by, i start to come up with alot of other impulsive behaviour at periods out of my so called "hypomanic state" that i'm talking myself into.

First of all, i thought that my hypomanic state lasted from May/June 2012-November 2012, so that would be 6-7 months. Maybe a bit long.

Second of all, i have major stress problems. I'm always very very very stressed, and i always have racing thoughts. I almost eat my whole fingers (dermophagia) whole year long. I also have high stress-marker-levels in my blood whole year long. But in winter i have to focus on my studies, so i can use my stress to freak out about school, and it helps me alot. I tend to study alot, so i don't fail. But in summer, i can't focus my attention on something, so i walk around very stressed. Solution; liters and liters of alcohol.

On the other hand i just remembered that i wanted to go and celebrate my last christmas in Poland (like 10 hours by car from here), and that i became angry when my mom didnt let me. So i also tend to do impulsive stuff in winter as well, although alot less (maybe because school won't let me to do impulsive stuff, or i would fail.)

Nevertheless, i becamed scared about mental disorders, because my father is a terrible case, and my sister had a terrible period also. Therefore my mom became depressed, and i became a total jerk, trying to annoy anyone as much as possible. I failed my whole high school and many teachers thought that i was retarded (Having the highest grades at university now). But i'm ashamed of my past, and i've hurted alot of people. But my mom started to diagnose me with all sorts of mental illnesses (ADHD, ADD, Asperger, Schizoaffective disorder) as a kid. And i had to go to alot of mental hospitals for tests (i've read the results and they almost all said: A very impulsive kid, with a high mental flexibility and probably ADD/ADHD). When i went to my grand-parents, they always said stuff like: "Oh there he is, our lunatic grandkid". (They thought it was fun, but it made me always feel different).

So here i am, diagnosing myself with bipolarity. Because something must be wrong with me.

Oh yeah, and i've read some studies about bipolarity; about 76% is misdiagnosed. Maybe we're just living in a society where everybody needs to get a stamp. Mental illnesses are now classified like spectra, so almost every human being on earth fits in one of the groups. Do you think i'm right?

thanks all!

[~Christina]

Binge Drinking is going to cause ANYONE problems whether they have a mental illness or not. I am pretty certain anyone that has gotten drunk has done some stupid stuff and feel some guilt over it. A therapist can help you deal with your emotions over these type of things.. You have to learn to let it go and focus on goals for your future.

Since your in school for Medicine and have already been self diagnosing you know its time to see a Doctor lol . Your fear of medication is understandable .. No one really wants to have a condition that MAY require them to take a medication.. Many people can and do manage there BP with out medications. Some people need meds. Whatever works is okay and acceptable.

I think Therapy could help you to let go of all the guilt you carry and help you learn ways to manage your stress and address your drinking and its effect on your life.

Good Luck and welcome to PC

[BipolaRNurse]

As a nurse, I would advise you to try to stop diagnosing yourself. Medical people tend to do this, and it's just crazy-making. I did the same thing for years before I finally made my primary-care physician worried enough to refer me for a psych eval. Of course, my pdoc had already figured it out by reading my H&P, and the first question he asked me was what illness I'd diagnosed myself with! LOL

All joking aside......I will tell you that substance abuse, e.g. over-use of ETOH, is sometimes a sign of bipolarity. It's a way of self-medicating when the world gets to be too much for us to handle, whether we're in a manic or depressed phase. I haven't had a drink in 21 years, but I'm still considered dual-diagnosis because I'm an alcoholic on top of being BP. It's okay, I know it doesn't make me a bad person.....each problem just makes dealing with the other a bit more complicated.

As everyone else here has said in one way or another, you really need to see a mental health professional to get a proper diagnosis and start some form of treatment. If it IS bipolar, you would be mistaken to reject medications outright, as they can be lifesaving (and improve your quality of life overall). I think most of us do best with a combination of meds and therapy---the meds help straighten out our brain chemistry so that we are better able to learn the coping skills that help us navigate our way through life.

In any case, I wish you the best. Please keep us updated on how you're doing.