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#1
Dec 31, 2012, 01:36 AM
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I swear to God.... I'm a total failure. I have managed to drive off everyone around me. Up until a couple of days ago I was on fairly good terms with my in-laws..... Now I have run my mouth/fingers off and have made it so there is no way they will have anything to do with me. Not that they are great people, but they are better than no family....
I can't keep a job.... Hell, for the last three months, I cant FIND a job.... I'm a RN and am reduced to applying to be a long haul truck driver! I was a failure as a Marine.... I was a failure as a Nurse.... I was a failure as a Son.... I was a failure as a Husband.... I'm pretty sure I'm failing as a father..... Jesus Christ.... If it wasn't for my children, I swear I would eat a bullet just to stop the pain. They are the only reason I have left to live in this world. I could never do it, just because of the trauma it would put them through... So what do I do? I "soldier on".... I keep trying to hold my life and my sanity together..... I hate my life.....
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“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
 BlueInanna, hamster-bamster, kitty004567, Lomika, roads
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#2
Dec 31, 2012, 03:44 AM
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First and foremost, thank you for your service to this great country.
Secondly, you need to read your own words. Your descending list, try taking out the words "was a failure as" and replacing them with "am". It would then look like this: I am a Marine.... I am a Nurse.... I am a Son.... I am a Husband.... I'm a father..... Looks a little better doesn't it? Doesn't have a bit of failure in it. In fact it looks like a perty darn sucessful life to me. Positive thinking goes a long way my friend. I tried to get into Marine Officer School but was denied at the recruiter's office because I was taking meds for bp at the time, so I've never known military service, but I know others who have and I have seen how it can change a man. My best advice is to keep a positive attitude and seek the help you need. Believe it or not, its ok for a Marine to ask for help when he needs it. You've made an excellent first step in coming here to PC and posting this thread. But there are still many battles ahead to win this war. For 20 years I waged a war on the terrible things going on in my mind by myself. The lone soldier in the fight. Until one day in 2009 when I had finally had enough, and I knew I wasn't getting out of it alive. So I manned up and called in the cavalry, which came in the form of special ops unit of doctors in the mental health unit of the hospital and a bombardment of medication. When the smoke cleared, I was back to reality and able to go back home to my family. So yes "soldier on" or as I like to say "Keep on keepin on," but know you don't have to do it alone. Best wishes my friend. Feel free to message me if you wanna talk about anything
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BIG changes on the horizon  Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
| roads, thickntired
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 BlueInanna, hamster-bamster, kitty004567, roads, wildchild r
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#3
Dec 31, 2012, 04:01 AM
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I also know the feeling of failure, which brings me back to that day at the recruiter's office...
I had ****ed up big time. I got my second underage. I lost the internship that I was the most qualified candidate for and a shoe in, and that I needed to land a job out of college. I could no longer persue my second major in education. I had no other options, so I thought military. I was in excellent physical condition, a soon to be college grad, a skilled marksmen, an Eagle Scout, and the country was at war. I knew I had it in me to lead the best of the best to serve and protect my country. So I chose the Marines. The devastation, when that recruiter denied me on the spot because I had finally gone and gotten help for the hell I had been going through, was overwhelming. I looked for an out. And I too pondered the idea of a hot lead injection to the skull, but I knew I was better than that, stronger than that. So I pushed on, focused on completing my degree, graduated, and landed a dream job mowing hay for a living. It didnt work out either, but I kept on truckin'. Now I'm doing much better. I'm off medication. And the possibility of military service is there again. I rely heavily on the support of those around me and I'm thankful everyday for my friends and family and the doctors that all helped save my life.
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BIG changes on the horizon Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
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#4
Dec 31, 2012, 04:12 AM
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Hi, MilitaryMech. While I was trying to find words to reply to your post, I read manicminer's post. He has better life experience than I to give you an answer you might chew over.
For what it's worth, manicminer's earned some heavy-duty credentials with me. I hold out little hope that 2013 will be a better year for me than this one, but if he gave me the advice he just gave you--I'd at least dance it around a few times. And yes ... echoing him, thanks for your service & sacrifice. My parents and husband all served during wartime. I am grateful. Roadie 
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#5
Dec 31, 2012, 04:54 AM
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know how you feel, military.
i to feel like my life over the years has been nothing but failiure- in fact i can't remember when i last actually accomplished something useful, and i hung on to it. it sucks... not knowing what you are good for i live for this forum and my music, that is all you are lucky you have a son that loves you and like the others here have said, thanks for your service |
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#6
Dec 31, 2012, 10:09 AM
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Quote:
 I'm still only here because of my kids. I could never do it but in the meantime, I get pissed that I cannot do it because of them. Does it make sense? As far as driving people away; in my opinion, people who really love you and care about you do not go away. They know you have a condition and should always keep that in mind. I know it's hard, but still. That's what love is in my eyes; being there even when the other is a loyal pain in the arse. That's why I fight with my family and try to explain. BUT if I have to explain it to my own flesh and blood then it defeats the purpose. That's why I feel so freaking alone. Can you tell that I haven't taken my Lexapro for days?? Doc forgot to call in. 
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Andrea  Bipolar I |
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#7
Dec 31, 2012, 10:25 AM
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This is how depression workds. It tells you all these things and you're a failure. But it's probably the depression talking. Just because you only got for so far with things doesn't mean you failed at them.
I can sai I failed as a daughter, too. But, you know what? I didn't. It was my dad who failed me. I was just a kid and he expected me to be an adult right from the start. He set impossible goals for me to reach, and when I didn't reach them he told me I was a failure. And he continued doing that to me until now when I am done with him because I am not going to be his joke any more. So, sometimes you have to look at things in a new light.
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#8
Dec 31, 2012, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
I was at the Ex's apartment getting my Boy's good mattresses and beds (that she took when she moved out of the house a year ago). She has been claiming that she is BROKE. What did I find? An expensive dinning room set... A flat screen TV... and Pictures of her and her Homewrecker of a GF (Yes, GF!!!) all Lovey-Dovey..... I had to break down the bunk beds and get stuff done.... I was crying like a baby.... Hating her and loving her all at the same time... It's been well over a year and I'm not over her.... I thought I was finally getting there, but I'm not. So, my first reaction, is to start smashing stuff..... I didn't. It took every ounce of self control I had, but I didn't. The in-laws showed up late (I had asked that they be there instead of the ex... we WERE on very good terms)... and immediately started *****ing at me.... I asked them to leave.... Please!!!! They kept *****ing and I lost my temper.... I yelled, they yelled..... Nothing physical thank GOD..... They left and I was an absolute mess. I had to go to the HomeDepot and rent a truck after having been crying my eyes out for close to an hour.... I got everything done.... Then the next day, I decided to write up a an E-mail to them.... It was a vent piece. I didn't send it. I DID post it on a divorce support forum.... that the SIL is on... her hubby posted just as long a piece about how i'm an asshole (He's probably right).... So the vent piece that they weren't supposed to see, they have seen.... FML....
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“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
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#9
Dec 31, 2012, 04:42 PM
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Actually, I think even if someone loves and cares for you, they may be in denial about a health condition and totally disregard it. This is true for physical as well as mental illness. I watched my dad argue constantly with my mom about not being able to keep the house as he wanted, despite her declining health when she had cancer. Many years after her death he realized how wrong that was of him to be on her case all the time when she could barely even get out of bed, but he didn't want to believe she was sick.
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#10
Dec 31, 2012, 08:33 PM
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I sit here on the couch, with my youngest snuggled up next to me.... And I wish that my Ex was a better mother.... I wish she was the mother she should be.... I love my children, and because of my love for them, I stay. I won't let them be raised by the craziness that is her family....
I never wanted children! I never wanted to bring them into my craziness! In my selfishness and my desire to be loved, I allowed myself to give the love of my life three sons.... Now, I can't leave.... I can't take "the easy way out".... I have to stay and care for them... I have to subject them to my craziness, because mine is slightly less than hers.... My God, what have I done! These poor children didn't deserve to hampered by my genetics.... They didn't ask for this. They didn't ask for my incompetent ***....
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“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
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#11
Dec 31, 2012, 08:47 PM
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I can feel that even with your craziness, you are far far better father than most men.
Most important thing you can give them is LOVE and CARE and they are getting that. They are going to be fine.
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Andrea Bipolar I |
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#12
Jan 01, 2013, 12:39 AM
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Hello, want to give a smile
 Manicminer said it all...and much more...thank you..No Way But Up...keep on Keepin On.
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#13
Jan 01, 2013, 01:46 PM
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I also would like to extend much Gratitude for your service to our country..no one can take that away from you,your experience..all of them, millitarymach, has spoken.
You are not a failer, you are not a looser,God knows I feel that way everyday..till my mom neds my help. I can tell by what you wrote there's a bunch of bad stuff going on with you,,another saying goes "All things Will Come To Pass" Hang in there . this I promise will too.when the time is right, the person is right,things will happen for you...but you got to stop thinking so lowley of yourseld, BTW, Im gonna take my own advice here too. .It seems when one finally gives just about up, thats when the phone calls, and emails start pouring in...love and let go.It will happen in the Creators time,not our own time .go punch a bag in the meantime!! LOL when you paint that smile on your face, it becomes infections, Condiser this, those job apps were just not the job our highter being needed you to be in..to work through you..
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#14
Jan 01, 2013, 01:53 PM
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I woke up this morning and everything was just a LITTLE better.... Not much, but a little
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“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
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#15
Jan 01, 2013, 02:05 PM
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good news.Im so glad to hear that..you know these emotions do pass!! I hope u make the best of this day Militarymech!
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