[BlueInanna]

The amount of stress is too much. I don't know what I want to say or what's the point. Is there anywhere I can reduce the stress? Work, no. Kids, no. Son has court again Friday for testing dirty, will likely be incarcerated, will likely get suicidal or run away when I tell him he has court, I just found out. I have a problem friend in rl, very controlling and I'm angry in my head about it.

[hamster-bamster]

A full plate and a controlling friend is the last thing you need. No wonder you feel angry!

I'm sorry Blue
I wish I knew the magic thing to say. When I'm overwhelmed, I just try to deal with only what is happening in the now, sort of ADD 101. It sounds like there are several variables that are out of your control, so just try to do the best you can to get through Friday.

[BlueInanna]

Do you think telling the friend she's a controlling B!tch would help me feel better? Or then am I just a B too? I'd like to just avoid the conflict but I'm so angry.

[swheaton]

I'm sorry, Blue. I get overwhelmed with just the little things a stuff pops out of my mouth. I like to call it giving someone a piece of my mind (what's left of it anyway)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Do you think telling the friend she's a controlling B!tch would help me feel better? Or then am I just a B too? I'd like to just avoid the conflict but I'm so angry.

Can you tell her to give you some privacy/time alone?

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Do you think telling the friend she's a controlling B!tch would help me feel better? Or then am I just a B too? I'd like to just avoid the conflict but I'm so angry.

Any chance at all you could avoid her? Looking for even the tiniest morsel that might be scraped from your plate (you like that visual, eh? -- into the garbage, compost... you pick!) Even as someone who -- just this morning!-- got pretty damn worked-up (and wrote a full page Rarr Rarr Rarr in marker intended for their windshield...then waited outside smoking, for if she came back, I was more than happy to deliver a sharper diatribe in person ), I'd probably advise not to. Giving them a good telling off in your mind? Oh yeah. But the good thing about in your mind is you control their reaction. And you are, but of course, victorious! And they are properly cowed by your totally justified righteous indignation. But in real life... they might well respond in a way that fries your bacon even more(!) And, I don't know about you, but for me, when I'm feeling explosive... that could go very badly. Worse than that, the rebound's more likely to affect you than her. I don't know, maybe it wouldn't go that way, but it tends to go that way in my universe...

Eventually, I usually get to the solution of thinking, "Damn b****!!! $%% ^&%%^^ doesn't deserve the time of day! Just see if I waste breath, let alone my time and energy on her! She doesn't deserve it (the honor )! Real estate in my head is out of her budget, that's for sure! She can just go %^&^ ^^$#(*@$#"!!!!! Etc. Except with much more swearing.

P.S. She didn't come back, and I opted not to leave the note. Oddly enough, the note was pretty civil. But the writing was large, bold, contained underlining and informed her of the ignorance of her false assumption. Teehee.

[BlueInanna]

yes, i can avoid her... been doing that for a couple days now. what went down was that she wants to hang out all the time. i've nicely explained i have bp and don't like commitments. i had this obligatory candle party to go to saturday morning with an old gf from childhood, i'm trying to mend that relationship. problem friend, we'll call her sue, insisted i bring her along. i said no, and i said no, and i said no. i went alone and it was a pleasant enough time.

she kept texting me while i was there, trying to pin me down for evening plans. i was really crazy down last week and finally listened to my msg's on saturday. heard the one from son's p.o that he tested dirty. i let sue know that just happened and i was not in a good mental state, and that i can't commit to plans.

i ended up meeting up with a lady i used to go to church with. we have troubled teens same age, same drug probs. she and i ended up going to a winebar near a shop she owns, delicious food, couple glasses of wine had me happy.

another very good gf of mine came by, it was her birthday. she had a special bday date planned with a guy she's been seeing for 20 years i've never met. she decided she wanted me to come with her up to SF and go to this funk concert with them if they can get me a ticket woohoo! they were able to get me a ticket, and offered to pay for everything, house overlooking ocean, guest bedroom. this was too fun to pass up.

so somewhere in there, i must've texted sue that i was at winebar come on by. cuz i called her to say i'm having change of plans and going to go with gf to the city, that im excited i got invited, sue laid into me yelling at me. said she's dying of loneliness, and how f'ed up how could i do this to her. i said sorry several times and finally, sorry but i gotta go click.

sue texted me, "this is so f'ed up. i would never do this to you!" i texted back, "im sorry i meant no offense to you, i had an opportunity and had to go with it."

she got the last word with, "good for you."

why can't she just be happy for me? i bought her a ticket to a concert last year, she left early because a man called her and wanted sex. she said she really needed it, so i said it's ok, go ahead, live it up, enjoy. why is she so nuts? i'm the bp one.

why am i still so angry about this stupid *****? i'm just furious at her about it. but maybe i'm the one at fault. i think everything else in my life feels like it's got me boxed in, and that friendship should not feel like that in addition. why does she have to try to control me?

(If you don't want to think about her, feel free to disregard all this and skip to the bottom-- I totally understand!)

Oh wow.
"All about her" much?! And lack of boundaries?!
With all the other stuff you have on your plate, this must be so very draining. (Even if you didn't, it sounds like it would be!) While I've not had exactly the same situation, much of the dynamic is (unfortunately) familiar. I'm still new to learning about it and how to deal, and it is no easy task. Trying not to get swallowed up in making decisions that are mired in guilt-tripping and plays for sympathy or pity? Ever the victim and no matter how much you do, it is never enough? Sure, for a moment it is. But it doesn't last. You try to bring up anything related to this dynamic and it gets derailed by a sudden case of their hurt? Is there reciprocity or is it a one-way street? Do they consider it a given that their crisis needs to have precedence over yours? (If so, RUN! Because hon, you've got some serious s*** on your plate, and that needs to be recognized!) Have you known her for long?
Lemme guess. When it's good, it's so good!

And the rest of the time find yourself questioning your judgement? ("Maybe I am at fault" etc. Or that nagging feeling that maybe you're being "selfish", when in fact you are merely considering your own needs as part of the equation in making a decision?

On track, or have I just made a Freudian rant?



######### ### And now for fun and shiny stuff! ### #########

Have fun at the concert!!! DEFINITELY wouldn't pass that one up! You deserve a fun break!
(Hmmm. Our dancing chili isn't exactly George Clinton, and a row of 'em doesn't exactly make Parliament, but they'll have to do! )

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with all that IZ said about your friend.
Good thing I read her post too, I was ready to go with, b!tchslap her!

Your friendship seems very one-sided, I hope that it isn't and that it just looks like that from 1 simple non in-depth post, because blue, you deserve to have great friends, understanding friends, caring friends. not people who throw tanrtums and whine because your world (obviously) doesn't reveolve around them (needy much?)

I hope you have a fantastic time at the concert, you deserrve to let your hair down!

As said above, focus on now, too much is beyond your control, no sense in overwhelming yourself with stuff you can't change. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't tell your son about his hearing.... I would just take him Friday. Less Drama

[BlueInanna]

Thanks IZ, and all.
You are totally spot on. She's been controlling, needy, no boundaries, all about her, guilt tripping, 56 years old walking around saying, "oh yea I have the *** of a 15 year old", annoying woman. She's almost 20 years older than me, we're not going to be bff's! Well maybe if she was a lot easier going and respectful, age isn't really that crucial in friendship.

But seriously I can't say a thing to her without it turning into all about her and her one upmanship. We were out once and I was happy this older guy just told me he thought I was 24, no you go girl, no high five, just all about her - how she passes for 35 all the time and the 28 yr old guy she did in Mexico said he didn't want girls his own age (yea duh it was a one night thing), and then about this other guy and another.

It's never been really good when it's good with her, it's nothing sexual since I do have a history of bi. I find her zero attractive like that, just been trying to be her friend.

And another boundary cross, big time. She showed my picture to the guy in Africa that's milking her for her life savings and his friends like me and want to meet me. Wtf!! You don't pass my picture out, freakin fruitcake, especially to the internet criminal guy I've been warning her about she won't listen.

Aaarghh she gets my goat!!!

Anyway, the show was AWESOME. It was Eric McFadden, (from P-Funk - although who hasn't played in P-Funk at some time ha) and friends. The drummer was from Primus. It was great. It was a groovey small club. The date guy was super cool, took us out to sushi before the show, drove us all around. It was good for me. It's just the Sue problem rubbed me the wrong way so bad. It is confusing and unfair to me I guess, all her weird expectations of me, even when I clearly state my boundaries and limitations.

I'm sure this b.s. will teach me something about ... something.

[BlackPup]

I say limit the amount you see her, she sounds like really bad news. Glad you enjoyed the concert. Hope Friday goes well.

[Trippin2.0]

Glad you had a great time, and I agree, see and speak to her less, and if she moans, tell her "That's exactly why I've been keeping my distance, that behaviour right there, I can't deal with it. I know you think you look like a kid, but I can't be your mom, I have enough kids, so go throw a tantrum somewhere else"... Ok ok, a bit overboard, I meant to stop after "can't deal with it' but got a bit carried away LMAO

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

The amount of stress is too much. I don't know what I want to say or what's the point. Is there anywhere I can reduce the stress? Work, no. Kids, no. Son has court again Friday for testing dirty, will likely be incarcerated, will likely get suicidal or run away when I tell him he has court, I just found out. I have a problem friend in rl, very controlling and I'm angry in my head about it.

Time. it's gonna take time Blue. it's gotta be something where time feels like it's running out. where time is something that you don't have. but it's time that will start the healing process and it's time that will eventually make things better.

[faerie_moon_x]

She's a box friend. For her, your box is that she can tell you all about how awesome she is and all about how you're not so great.... In fact, she sound exactly like my ex best friend from elementary - early high school. This type of "friend" is one of the most toxic types. I say avoid, avoid, avoid. To finally get free of her completely required me to move and stop being friends with all of our old mutual friends... the last I saw her was when I was pregnant with my oldest son. And she was exactly the same as when we were in junior high! She wore her hair the same, wore the same type of clothes, and even rolled her socks the same! That made me happy to see how she was frozen in time, and bragging about being the manager at Block Buster....

Anyway, stop feeding this toxic person. You have enough to deal with. You may not be able to get rid of work or kid stress, but you can get rid of toxic friend stress. I've done it. I recommend it.

I hope your court date goes okay and your son doesn't run or get suicidal.

[swheaton]

You can be angry. There are just certain people you cannot be around, listen to yourself and just stay away!,

[BlueInanna]

Yea I need to focus on my kids, work, getting my life organized. Don't need anyone draining my resource of good vibes that barely get me by. I should just be enjoying the absence of her relentless texts and phone calls... ahhhh... maybe nothing else will have to be said and I won't have to see her... I am not obligated to be her friend. Here's my circle in the sand, be a good friend, or get lost. She's a Labor and Delivery Nurse, honestly I would not want her in my birthing space, those poor ladies. But maybe her controlling bossiness is helpful in some of those situations, like when trying to get heavily medicated women to Push! lol.

[BlueInanna]

Egads she just called me. Dont think I'll even bother listening to msg.

So my son just told me he may test positive for opiates at court on Friday, he admitted to using heroin in the past week. He seems fairly resolved to understanding he will most likely be going to jail.

[swheaton]

Blue, I hope things go okay for your son. At least he seems to understand the consequences for his actions. You, my friend, stand firm against this person!

[~Christina]

Blue

Spend your energies on family and your friends that will help you forget, even for a few moments that life is overwhelming right now. You don't need "Sue" anywhere in your life.

[BlueInanna]

She sent a text that set me off and I responded:

Sue:
I'm glad you had fun with Tasha I ended up having fun as well, so no worries. But next time let's try to stick to what we agreed to do? Are you going to go to Rupert blinky party?

Me:
Don't try to control me I'm not into it. I meant u no harm, my plans changed I tried to talk to u about it and apologized and u yelled at me. Last year I bought u a Wailers ticket and u bailed to see Robin I didn't try to control u or hold u back from what was a better opportunity for u. Stick to the plans? No thanks, Plans change sometimes, u can't control everybody. It's too overwhelming I've got enough problems as it is.

Sue:
Oh sorry I wasn't trying to control you I felt bad that I couldn't get together with you please forgive me
I know you're feeling overwhelmed with everything that's going on at home. I'm sorry that this whole thing happened, friends?

I will decide how to respond tomorrow. And her 2 vmails will sit there too.

I'm so concerned for my son and upcoming jail time, he's not stable, he's hypo heading to manic right now. He won't do well in jail. But then again he was clearly told the consequences of further drug use. They can make sure he takes his meds and does school while in there, they say they have pdoc and therapists.... But I don't feel safe about it. I don't get to know anything that goes on in there, I'm used to psych wards with him. I highly doubt he will get quality mental health care in jail I'm scared.

I'm on 2nd night without sleep. Trying to sleep for 4 hours now. Over this space of time I've tried 2 ambien, 2 Klons, 2 benadryls, a tiny cup of box wine that my mom had hidden - yay mom! But still no sleep. I need to sleep I must work all day tomorrow, Friday will be the court day. I guess I'll take more klon in a bit if I'm still laying here awake. My mind won't stop. It's hypo but its situational. Sleep please visit me, rest my weary mind.

[BlueInanna]

4 more Klons later and I finally slept last night a good 6 or so hours. Even woke up before the alarm. First thought was grateful for sleep, not how I hate my life. So that's a good thing. I worked until 8pm. Exhausted now. My sons court is tomorrow I'm scared, but the moments don't hesitate in their approach. I still have not decided how much I will tell the judge. They always say they want to help but I'm not convinced nor impressed.

[BlueInanna]

And I smoked cigs today, oh well I will quit again like I always do. Oh well.

[Victoria'smom]

[Speed3]

When I found out Jason was hooked on pain killers and went to rehab and then found out he turned to Heroin it was incredibly stressful. Worrying about him became the focus of my life. Now that he is dead I keep saying to myself I'll worry and be stressed out all the time if I could just have him back. It is a horrible situation to be in.

Having a child that has a problem with drugs is extremely stressful add bipolar to that and well .... I don't know what to say but I feel for you.