[BlueInanna]

.... don't bother reading this .... it is sick.

... i don't know why i'm even doing this, admitting this ...

these sort of bad thoughts, they are bad enough in the first place. and then the anger i have at myself for even having them it worse. like i should be able to control my mind and not have negative thoughts. i should be able to control my thoughts better than this. but sometimes i just can't.

here goes... i am right now jealous of people who have had successful sui's. like my grandmother, by train, pretty sure fire way to get it done. i am jealous of people who don't have to be alive right now.

sorry it's so sick. maybe this is just the real morbid me that i hide and pretend i'm a happy person.

this is the time of year she did it. this is close to the anniversary of my dad's death too. i'm not well, going back to bed to cry these mean thoughts away. these thoughts are mean, they hurt me, they don't mean well.

i got a few hours of work done this morning, and the crucial month end accounting done. and i did billing for my bf's business. but that's all i can do today. also supposed to process payroll today, i can't deal with it. will just call it in late tomorrow. oh gawd and i forgot to pay the health insurance bill, great timing.

not hurting myself will be my job for the rest of the day. i will not hurt myself, i promise you. it just feels a little better to at least admit these thoughts to someone, somewhere, if anyone is listening. i hate myself for these thoughts.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm listening, and just wanted to say I love you, please take care of you

[venusss]

Please keep yourself safe.

[Clinte89]

Please be safe and take care of yourself and don't hate yourself these are thoughts that we all have from time to time it's just part of the disorder. Hang in there

i do see what you mean, blue

people attempted suicide, worked for them, they are out of this misery- yet we fail, either that, or we're too scared to attempt.

does seem unfair... why them. why do they get release- not us

i don't think your thoughts are sick at all- i think they are perfictly valid

hugs

[BlackPup]

Don't feel guilty for having the thoughts they are part of the illness. Can you talk with your pdoc or T about it. Maybe you need diff meds. Take care and be kind to yourself

[bluemountains]

Hey Blue,
You are not the only one who has been jealous of those who got a release from the pain. It is a part of who we are. Please talk to your pdoc and don't let the world consume you. Your sadness and feeling of helplessness makes me cry for you. I hope it gets better soon.

Bluemountains

[Nixi]

I share ur feelings hun. I'm so sorry u feel the same. pls see ur pdoc for support.and remember these feelings can change! i hope urs do soon. hugs xxx

[trytosurvive]

My sis did at 45, I've wanted to. Something keeps me hanging in here. I guess the 2 little grandkids are cute and love me so that helps my darkest days. Ive often believed that it takes more courage to live than to sui and I know it is true.

[Lauru]

I feel the same as well. Especially right now. It's been a dark day. Wishing you the best.

[Insignificant other]

Just want to tell you : I hear you and sometimes feel the same way.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Blue. If you can't share with your family or friends, you can always share it here. And to be honest, I've had your same feelings. Sorry I can't give any advice. Just know that there are others out there that can empathize with what you feel and always have an ear to listen. I sure do. Feel better, Blue.

[Anika.]

Blue, I understand how you feel.

But what if perhaps it does not release them, depending on what you believe happens after death... Or this death? I don't know what happens or claim to know, but what if it just grants them a do over with them same trials and tribulations to encounter yet again until some awakening happens? Or what if their energy becomes stuck in a constant state of frantic chaotic disharmony?

I am not quite convinced it an all out release, if one thing I have learned is that things are often not what they first appear to be. Just thought I would put that out there as a possibility.

Remember the picture you posted way back. The girl with the awesome hair, but more importantly the message of not clinging to these feelings, and not approaching in judgement. I hope you can remember... I have thought of it often to remind myself which direction I am trying to walk. Which path I wanted to follow.. A reminder to me because sometimes the paths seem to get all criss crossed and we get spun around... All dizzy and we stagger off more focused on only trying to walk without noticing which direction. Probably because we are tired, we're dizzy and it's hard to see straight. But maybe we just need to rest a minute and slow down, take some time to recover from our weariness before we continue walking.

Always here for you Blue.. My dear dear friend. They are just thoughts, not to be judged, not to be held to tightly.

[~Christina]

Blue

[hamster-bamster]

We all love you and care for your wellbeing. Please do not leave us.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hang in there, Blue. Remember those thoughts try to make themselves big and strong, but they aren't. You can get through. Stay safe today..

[Tsunamisurfer]

Hold on tight, Blue. We hear your pain, and we love you.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you. I'm still here. There are a few reasons I stay. Kids friends family. But also this burden like I can't do what my grandma did. It was before I was born I wonder if I'm her. I wonder if its up to me to break the cycle in my family. She actually wrote letters of apology and left chunks of money to my older siblings who I only found out about a few years ago, never knew I was the youngest of 8 until then. Now my daddy is passed and I can't even ask him about it.

Felt a lot better last night but then horrible sleep with son making noise all night. First thing I do upon waking is cry. I am going to have to cancel an important business trip and also decide to make my son a ward of the state. It feels like my son has died trying to make this decision, like I'm helpless to save his life. Worst pain in the world. Took my frustration out on my daughter and told her to move out too cuz she won't go to school or work or even apply for bp disability. I'm just a full stew of mean-ness and I need to quit it somehow.

Pdoc would say my message is true but the delivery is off. I should probably apologize to daughter and let her come home and help her apply for her disability or something.

I'll try to choose a path Anika. I know you're all right and this stupid symptom will pass. Probably starting with any path away from that train track. If I can persevere long enough I will see a solution.

Maybe I should do what I read in the Tao of Parenting. Be the calm at the center of their hurricane. Tall order for someone who is a hurricane herself. I'm not sure.

[hamster-bamster]

I know a Ukrainian woman in SF who is a widow due to H's suicide, with a son and daughter. The son was at some point a ward of the state. He beat his mom, at some point. Eventually, with the help from the state, he found his path, settled down in some state-provided housing, started working and studying and even got a steady gf. He sees his mother regularly. Irene, the mother, lives with the daughter who is just fine, a gorgeous. Blonde young woman who is apparently spared, mentally; she gets good grades and is on her school's basketball team. Irene says that making her son a ward of the state was the right choice - for his sake, for Irene's sake and for Anna's sake. Irene now has a stedy bf too - someone who leads the meetings of children of alcoholiics anonymous or whatever it is called, in his spare time. Everything fell into place aftter Irene stopped fighting her son's inherited MI alone and enlisted the help of the state.

[hamster-bamster]

I had a friend and at some poinnt a bf who committed a suicide in 1998, long after I started living in the states. Earlier, around 1990, his father committed suicide. I do believe it runs in families and with your grandma's history you are high risk. Please break free from the path. Of suicide.

[~Christina]

Blue,

I know you have gone through hell and making the decision about your son has to be one of the toughest decisions a parent has to make. You have done everything possible to get him away from drugs. He has to want to change his life at this point. Talk to your daughter once you have taken a bit of time to focus on you.

It's good that you know your thought process isn't healthy but, you are at a point mentally that could tip you over the edge. Please Please be safe! Reach out to anyone and everyone you can for support.

Self care is needed right now, in large doses.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you I am safe. Made it through another day

Took sons phone away , had a nasty text argument with a 50 yr old man who feels a right to be friends with my son. Another dealer pretended he didn't speak English and that I had wrong #. Final drug dealer texted at 7am that he could come by now, I wrote back please do Dustin and I'll have the police ready for you. Dustin did his usual so sorry and will not talk to my son again. I have reported these people to police but nothing happens.

Anyway I wrote my son a letter since he won't talk to me. He said he'd be throwing it away. But he's been calm and has not called me a name or hassled me for his phone back in about 5 hours now. I don't know what will happen next, but I'm going to take sleep med tonight and hide our money and car keys and hope to wake up to a good day.

My daughter came home and is already asleep with no drama. Deep breath. Now to get the 11 yr old off freaking minecraft and I can rest. Having kids home for Xmas break with no fun active plans really sucks. Plus we're sharing my bed while my mom is in town using his room. I want some space, and a bed room with a door on it. Someday.

I don't think the orginal post is anything to feel bad about blue.
You were just being honest.
As for feeling that way, I wouldn't over react about it at all....
it didn't seem to far out there in the least....

maybe I'm just morbid like that, but that didn't strike me as anything new at all... I mean, who doesn't feel like they would rather just dissapear, knowing you can never go through with it right now, and being envious at times of those that made it...
I do that too... lol.. it's okay as long as you stay safe!

As far as your son goes... I would smash the phone into little itty bitty teeny weeny pieces and never get another one again for him... lol