Review...

My review is in 10 minutes and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I hate being reviewed.... I hate being told I'm not good enough because that's all I've heard my whole life and that's all a review ever is, to point out my failures over and over and over again.... they never use it to highlight what I do right, only in a backhanded way to magnify what I'm going wrong.

I hope it went ok DH?

It actually did go okay, I was surprised. I'm still turning it in to my medical record because disorganization is a big factor on it. And This seems to be something I struggle with despite trying all of the suggestions given to me. So it's now officially my 5th year at this job and looking up for once.

Congrats Dark Heart on your success on the job.

Great!! Happy for you! I have major probs with organization and so do some of my staff, just talked to my office manager about how I'm not a good example of organization, and how neither of us have the knack nor the time to make it happen. Luckily we have 1 lady who likes it and is good at it. She is going to come in and meet me for a weekend and help me get my act together.

I've tried to get organized my whole life. I know exactly what to do and I can do it for short periods of time. The issue comes in from the fact that I become extremely confused and it lasts for months sometimes. The brain fog or whatever makes it really hard for me to organize anything. That's also why I have trouble keeping up with my writing (an example of something I love doing, but can't because my thinking gets all confused,) so it's not that I am just lazy or don't like getting organized. I seriously believe this has somethign to do with something but no one believes me when I try to explain it so I've just given up and just kind of go along with knowing I'm a hube failure....

So, even though my review went okay I just feel like crap today and it's getting worse as the day goes on.

glad it went okay!

that's great

Well the stress of the review is enough to ruin your day DH. But please don't feel bad about the lack of organization - it's just not something we were all given. I don't feel lazy for mine, just can't wrap my head around it all, and I get distracted with many things at the same time.

Your strength, one of many, is your writing. Even if you're feeling disorganized in your writing, it does not come across that way. I'm captivated by Angel in Black! I'm a slow reader because maybe my add maybe i have dyslexia idk, but I have to re-read things a few times quite often. The story, and the characters are awesome and vivid and it appears on paper/computer screen as though you effortlessly waved a magic wand and willed it to appear.

thank you, this means a lot to me, it really does!

I really feel like I live under a blanket and I can see the light through it but I can't get out... I don't know if that makes sense?

That makes perfect sense to me and I couldn't describe it any better

Dark Heart, I am so happy that your review went well for once! It makes my day, no less than the sparkling kitchen.

Yes!!!! I am so happy for you too! Don't sweat the disorganization, um how many people struggle with that one. I can be super orginized in a very chaotic disorganized way try to get me to organize in a typical fashion and I can't make sense out of it.

And yes Blue has it dead on with your writing. I am catching up on Angel in Black tonight, now that you are giving us more, and we want more!

Totally know what you mean about living under a blanket and can't get it all out. I feel like that too with many things.

But I am so glad you keep writing, it is your gift.

Thanks, you guys. I am feeling better today, a little. You know when you get all worked up for something and then it's over and then you're stuck with all those worked up feelings? I think that's what happened yesterday.

Sis, I have NO idea how I missed this post!!!!
So glad your review went well, you deserve some positive happenings in your life.

Don't sweat about the disorganization, not everyone can pull it off, and like was said above, it definitly does not show up in Angel of Black, you write really well, your story flows properly, and you use just enough adjectives to set the tone, without making me lose concentration....

You have so many great qualities, don't let the 1 area you struggle with get you down

Love you lots

I once knew a lawyer whose office was just a mess of books, papers, etc. Nobody would make sense of it but he was fine. He was a partner at one of the best international law firms in its flagship NYC office.

Some people can find organization in a mess.

Well I am the "face" of our department and need to make an exceptional first impression, so I find that rather hilarious. I never look exceptional even on my best day.

You know my pdoc the one that was really good, and he also had an awesome reputation in his feild, the dusorganized dr I have ever seen, no idea how he found anyones files. But he was still great at what he did. And I liked that he was not afraid to appear disorganized, it's not like he tried to hide it it. He was pretty down to earth.

So just do the best you can DH, glad that you felt better yesterday. I know you are the "face", I understand they are worried about that but doing your job well is more important, and it sounds like they recognize that you are doing a good job.

Congrats! I hate reviews too. I try so hard to be organized but it takes so much effort from me. I think I have a closet OCD and since I'm unable to get things properly organized I get frustrated, without knowing how to start. I gotten better, I just start! And then start 10 other things at the same time and slowly accomplish maybe 2 lol but hey, I read something yesterday that I loved, the person you want to be is within you and I forgot what the rest said lol but it was a beautiful way of expressing you can achieve your best you because is a,ready within you!

Actually, it's not. I don't think you understand the level of organization my boss requires that I have, on a sustained and continuous baisis. It was one of the main reasons they almost fired me last year. I got written up for letting the girl I was training whipe the desk down with lysole. Nothing more than that.

The other two women in the office are also disorganized in a "normal" way and also don't understand.

I would like to explain this to everyone so you can understand because this is a much bigger problem than just being a bit cluttered.

On Friday I had to make a chart with the days of the week in a line. It took me 10 tries to not only get the days of the week in order but also remember what days they were. It took me a half an hour that should have taken me maybe 30 seconds. I write letters and numbers upside down and backwords. Pieces of paper become alien to me. This is something that worries me not because I'm cluttered but because it's getting worse and to a degree that I can't even explain it to people....

Ok DH, but I wouldn't exactly call that disorganized, more like cognotive dysfuction. I was like that really badly when my moods were extreme, but I was also on a lot of medications and I could not tell what was causing what. However reading so many posts here, I honestly think the extreme moods caused more of my cognitive problems then the medications.

You have also dealt with psychosis as did I. I know that cognitive problems and psychosis go hand in hand. It is a big problem with schizophrenia. When I would come out of a long psychotic episode my cognitive functioning was so impaired, writing my own name would be difficult and it would take months to get to a better point, not a normal point mind you, was still bad. But if you are always in a state of flux there is not enough time for this to improve.

So I wonder if that is the reason for this. You have been in mixed moods for so long and have had some psychosis as well which I think both impact cognitive funtion a lot. Like a badly bruised brain.

I don't know if that's it for you, I thought I was always going to be like that and keep getting worse. But when I got my moods stable over tine it has come back together, not 100% maybe, but much much better over a long period of time.

Maybe the brain can not handle that much constant stress and overload so it starts to shut off lesser needed funtions in order to keep running the funtions needed to stay alive like breathing.

I dunno, that's all I was able to make of it. I really really had a hard time with this. I complained to my pdoc many times. It was having a huge impact on my life and abilities to even manage small tasks so I know how bad it is. It's a big deal.

This is what I'm trying to explain and they don't understand. I think you're seeing what I mean. They are like asking a blind man to tell them what color shirt they are wearing. I am trying to live up to their standards but it's like trying to dig through the wall with pencile and It's very frustrating. Like, the disorganization is because of something but I don't know what's wrong exactly.

I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to get my moods in order as best I can. I am trying to set up color coordination of my desk. Because I find color coordinating things help. Like, if one color means "project in progress" I will be more likely to put a paper there if it's part of that project. (Not 100% but more likely.) But my brain goes into these fits where I can't think and it's very frustrating and I try to explain and no one around me seems to get it. -.-

The issue of disorganization was the first reason I wanted to disclose my illness at work. Because I couldn't get passed it and it was frustrating, and I thought if they knew I wasn't doing it on purpose and there was actually something wrong, then they would be more understanding.... that didn't happen.

I don't know what you can do... and yes DH I know exactly what you are saying. It was probably the most troubling effect for me. Like my bf always says I will end up with dementia because it was so bad. I am detrmined that isn't going to happen tho.

Fish oil, and not the capsules just the oil can really help. The capsules are ok but not great, when the oil is compressed it looses much of it's properties. I don't know if you take it or not but it does boost brain function. It is actually one of the best way I think in terms of diet.

Also online brain training exercises specifically made to improve different areas of cognitive function, that might help.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...sorder/261140/

Smoking pot improves cognitive function in Bipolar.. who knew? Not me because I don't smoke it nor can I .. sort of interesting none the less. Not sure how reliable that is but who knows.

Exercise can also improve cognitive function, eating 5 small meals with low glycemic carbs which you know all about is supposed to help too. Flavonols from dark chocolate..

Maybe a combo of all those will help, I know that the more I exercise the more improvement I saw, and if you search it exercise will always come up as a big one.

And sleep of course, huge one, and hard one too.

Trying to use systems is good, can't hurt, but yes a bit hard to implement if that is what is going on. I tried so many systems.. my bf and one friend were always on my case to just use this system.. yes setting alarms and notes on my phone.. awesome if you have the cognitive ability to actually use it hey?

Might not be able to totally fix it with those methods until the moods are more stable, but I think they will still help over all. I like the luminosity brain training games because they target specific areas of function, not like say.. doing a crossword puzzle or things like that. Plus a lot of those things will also help mood. I know it's frustrating and scary. I felt pretty scared about this whole thing.

I am sorry they are being so crappy about this. It is a real thing in many illnesses. If you had MS, which also causes cognitive impairments I bet they would "get it". It is not unheard of, just people don't really get that this happens with bipolar.

Yes, that's it! It doesn't matter that there's an alarm. It doesn't cause anything to trigger me into action in my brain! I might think "there is an alarm going off." It doesn't mean it causes me to respond to it. "Check on ____ now" reminder is the same way....

I have a memory trainer app on my phone. I should get some of those brain things. Do they make them for phones?

Really good advice Anika ty, I'm going to try some of those. I feel really cognitively and physically disorganized, now there's some hope in sight.

I think did see a luminosity app for iphone... I think... maybe I didnt i dunno? But i'm going to check for phone apps hope there are free ones, thats a really good idea.

Your symptoms are worriesome DH... I wish I had answers. I hate upside down backword letters, I only read them that way though...and then my brain turns them the right way after going wtf.