[Speed3]

It is two weeks since my only child died. I wasn't in good shape with my bipolar disorder before this. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital because I felt then that I came to the end of my road. That stay was a waste of time, no one helped me with my issues. My buddy, my son, and I have been alone together all day at home since September. We didn't always talk but we knew we were there for each other.

My husband won't stop yelling at me. I think I might be in a mixed state. I bought a golden retriever puppy over the weekend. It went back on Monday. I was thinking about going into the hospital yesterday but changed that when I found a grief counselor for today. It is 3:30 in the morning. Canceled that when I thought we should go away for a few days. Canceled that when we could not stop fighting.

I can't believe my Jason is dead. I keep waiting for him to walk through the door. When I allow myself to feel the truth I want to die.

There is no one to talk to, I only have this keyboard. I want to take all my meds.
My husband threatened to hit me yesterday if I did not leave him alone.
So I don't want to wake him up. All the people that said they were there for us have disappeared.
Suicide is becoming a strong option.

[Victoria'smom]

Please find a different hospital to go to. You and your husband are both grieving and the pain seems to be getting volatile. You need support that your husband can't give you right now and your need for support increases if you are having a mood swing. Call a crises center if you need too.

I know you want to die and can't imagine your lose. Please don't let his death cause yours. What would he say if he was here and you told him?

[lisacj]

PLEASE PLEASE get on the phone with a crisis center then find another hospital to go to!! Please let Jason rest in peace. Don't you know how bad it is hurting him to see you sooo torn up and suicidal!!

I wish I could say something profound to make you feel better, but unfortunatly I have no idea how you feel. I can only imagine though.....my daughter is my life!!

If nothing else, I will give you my phone number and you can call and talk to me. I can't give you any advice.....but I can listen.

I am sooooooo sorry for your grief!!

hope you'll be okay, speed.

and that you don't decide to overdose

talk to us as much as you want if that helps... i'd rather you posted 500 new threads on the forum than hurt yourself.

seriously

hugs

[Gaijin]

Well, don't do it right now. [...]

They say that, for normal people, the worst of the grief will pass in 4-6 months, but that isn't true for us bipolars. Old griefs can haunt us for decades.

You're taking a good step in going to see a grief counselor. You might be wise to get your meds re-checked too. Try to get your husband to see a counselor too.

[Trippin2.0]

Speed, take a deep breath, a warm bath and call the hospital.
I dont think your husband is in any position to emotionally support you right now, he's is going through his own grief process. Please call your pdoc to and alert them of your suicidality and go inpatient as soon as your are able.

I can only imagine your pain, but I'm here to listen whenever your fingers find their way to the keyboard...

Please Speed, look after yourself, you are worthy, you are valuable, you deserve it

[Speed3]

I have a call in to my PDOC. I hope he listens when he gets in. I told him I am suicidal. My bags are still packed from yesterday.
When I made the appointment with the grief counselor, I involved my husband.
I just assumed he was going. He flew into a rage when I told him he was included in the appointment. He says he doesn't need anyone. It is obvious to me he does. I feel my sons death is my fault. He says it isn't but the way he is treating me tells me he is blaming me.
This is so f...Ed up . I said if I lost my son in the summer when he had a close call, there was no doubt about it there would be no reason to live.
I told my husband I would not leave him alone when Jason died. But I don't think he really cares if I live or die.
I took a 25 mg seroquel it is helping a little bit.

[Gaijin]

"I doubt DocJohn had assisted suicide in mind as form of support when he started this site..."

I told her to wait until life was going better for her, before making the decision. At that, point her feelings about living will likely change too.

Speed3, give yourself the support of professionals, if it can't come from family. You were strong enough to raise a fine son, you can be strong enough to put in at least a few more months to see if you might feel differently, can't you?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Gaijin

"I doubt DocJohn had assisted suicide in mind as form of support when he started this site..."

I told her to wait until life was going better for her, before making the decision. At that, point her feelings about living will likely change too.

Thank you for the clarification

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Speed3

I have a call in to my PDOC. I hope he listens when he gets in. I told him I am suicidal. My bags are still packed from yesterday.
When I made the appointment with the grief counselor, I involved my husband.
I just assumed he was going. He flew into a rage when I told him he was included in the appointment. He says he doesn't need anyone. It is obvious to me he does. I feel my sons death is my fault. He says it isn't but the way he is treating me tells me he is blaming me.
This is so f...Ed up . I said if I lost my son in the summer when he had a close call, there was no doubt about it there would be no reason to live.
I told my husband I would not leave him alone when Jason died. But I don't think he really cares if I live or die.
I took a 25 mg seroquel it is helping a little bit.

Glad the seroquel is helping a bit, please keep talking to us while you wait on your pdoc's call.

[Speed3]

They say i will be okay....

But i am not goin to

ever get over you

[Moose72]

As million hugs.

[sugahorse1]

I'm also here to listen.
I was in hospital recently, and a lady there had just lost her son 2 weeks earlier and was inpatient due to the grief.
She had daily sessions with her T and was closely monitored, and I can truly say she started to feel a lot better and started seeing some light by the time I was discharged.

Your son would have never wanted to see you grieve this much, and definitely not consider suicide. Please look after yourself. We are all here to offer you support.
I'm glad you've phone your pdoc. If he doesn't get back to you quick enough, please go to the ER of a different hospital. You sound like you need to be inpatient (I truly mean that with respect).

[Speed3]

My PDOC just called back. I am going inpatient at 11:30 am. This is the best thing right now.

Thank you for your support

[venusss]

hope you find the help and support you need.

[Trippin2.0]

Really hope you get what you need from the hospital, I will be thinking of you

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

I'll be on from now till you go inpatient. Lay it on me! type away! I'm here and I'm listening!

[eskielover]

I was in the medical hospital just at the time my mother was dying of cancer after the trauma I went through with her home care person. The stress had caused major loss of weight. My pdoc was going to put me in the psych hospital....but the medical hospital & the freedom to be able to leave & go to her funeral won out with the promise I would be back right after the funeral for the central line IV nutrition.

My MD had a T come in to talk with me every day....the hospital didn't have a psych ward...but they had a staff psychologist & pdoc. It was I got wonderful support by being in the hospital & being taken care of was exactly what I needed....my marriage was horrible & no support from my H who I have since left. I found that it's really important to have the support at times that only the hospital can provide.....even when I wasn't suidical.....just horribly sick from all I had gone through with the trauma & the lack of help I had with the real care of my Mother being her only daughter & family.

I understand how you are feeling & know it's even worse feeling being your son who was your whole life.

Let the hospital take care of you this time......& let them know the grief you are feeling. They can't read our minds even though it seems so obvious to us. I went to the grief counseling through the hospice care they provide....but they had no idea how to deal with the PTSD I was dealing with or the situation I had experienced that was beyond the grief.

Give yourself the freedom to open up in the hospital & get the care you need & deserve.

[faerie_moon_x]

Speed, I hope you do better at the hospital. I think you and your husband are going through something together yet seperately. I know my dad made me go to grief counceling when my mom died, but he refused to go himself. He needed it very badly, but never went.

You will get better in time. I didn't lose a kid, I lost my mom when I was a kid. I have never gotten over her, either. It's been 20 years. And, I still miss her and I still have grief for her not being her. I've never healed to 100%, but I would say I'm at 75% or maybe even 80%. But whatever it is, it's enough to get through the day and live, and carry her around with me always in my head and my heart.

So, take the hospital stay and use it for as much healing as you can get. Right now you are at the beginning, and you will get better in time. And, Jason is in the other world, like my mom is there, too. And I don't think she would want me to commit suicide, she'd want me to live. And I bet Jason wants the same for you.

[hamster-bamster]

I hope hospitalization will keep you safe, and, with time, you feel less desperate.

I think wanting to commit suicide is entirely normal after your loss, and being bipolar just magnifies this reaction. A hospital is the best place to be right now.

[BlueInanna]

(((Speed))) I agree with Hamster, how could anyone not feel suicidal with losing a child? It is the saddest thing ever. But you are doing the right things to keep yourself safe, reaching out to friends here, talking to pdoc, checking in to hospital for your safety. I hope the nurses will be like nurturing angels and surround you in light and safety. I think they will be very helpful and loving.

[Moose72]

I kept a blog while I was inpatient a couple months ago. Its interesting to read where I was back then compared to now. You will get through this. This is the best place for you. Just go. We will be here for you when you get back.

Speed, I wish that I could give you a RL hug, Losing a son must be the worse thing ever, This is still very fresh in your memory too, Grieving is hard, People say it will get better and it is hard to see this right now, I hope and pray that you will be ok

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm sure you're already gone to the hospital, but I wanted to put my two cents' worth in and give you a virtual ((((HUG)))). I am SO sorry you're in so much pain....I lost a newborn daughter 29 years ago and at the time, I thought that was the end of my life. I get sick even thinking about what it would be like to lose a grown child. My sympathies and prayers are with you, hon.