Having bad day would like to share ... But

I am not doing well today. Yesterday I spent the whole day alone until my husband came home at 5:30pm. I did ok yesterday. Today not so good.

But, I have pit in my stomach. I thought this forum was a blessing a refuge.
Now I don't know. There are so many posts going on that I don't really understand. I am afraid I have said some wrong things. I don't know? I am a loner for a reason, people scare me. I am afraid I will rub them the wrong way.
I never have felt that I truly fit in even when I had a successful career.

I want to reach out, but I am afraid. I am too sensitive. So, maybe it is just better to turn off the IPad and crawl into my cave ?
I was the one that should have died!

Breathe. Slow down and try not to torture yourself with those thoughts. Thinking positive may be difficult sometimes, especially when we feel overpowered by sadness and confusion. Remember, only time heals. Today you're feeling down but tomorrow can be better.

Speed, you are a very welcome addition to this site. You bring much that is positive, and your concern for others is very evident. I, for one, am very glad you're here

I'm glad your here you fit in well I think. It may not seem that way to you but you do indeed fit. I like your posts they are full of insight and caring compassion empathy and more. You fit very well so please don't go hide in your cave that will only make things worse.

Speed, I hope you didn't turn off the iPad. Is better to vent here, than crawl back into our minds. It can be a dangerous thing, I say. :-)

I agree with creative that can be a dangerous thing to crawl back in and hide.

Speed , You fit in here, you do, I promise. Stay here with us. Please?

I am here, but right now I can't find any words. There are too many feelings all rolled up. I am being sucked into a black hole

You do fit in here, Speed!

Don't run away. I'm glad you joined the forum. I feel like it was fate you joined when you did so we can help you during your difficult time.

We're all just people and sometimes we have disagreements and such, but we're all still here for each other. And we all have bipolar, too, so I think sometimes we get caught up in things, but it all is okay again later.

I am sitting on the couch with my son's hat on. He wore it a week before he died when he was shoveling snow. He was home all day with me since September. Just me and him , four cats and his boxer.

In August he had an overdose that was a close call. He had just got kicked out of Rehab for leaving and coming back with a bag of heroin. He was home for two days and was going to start outpatient treatment the following day. We weren't letting him drive. He asked his dad if he could use his bicycle to go to an NA meeting. My husband had a bad feeling, but let him use it because it was a meeting. At 3:00 am my husband had fallen asleep on the couch but woke up to the sound of water running. He went to the powder room. The door was locked. I woke up when I heard him scream Jason, Jason. We found him on the floor on his side in a pool of vomit and blood. He was breathing but not well. This time we were able to revive him before the paramedics came. He ended up in the medical hospital for a month. He had a blood clot and cellulitis that almost went septic.

I remember picking him up at the hospital he was so thin and looked bad. He refused any visits from anyone while in the hospital nor could we get information on him. We could not put him on the street so he came home. He had lost his job. The year before his first and only girlfriend , they met at 17, left him. In my mind this was what pushed him over the edge. He was never good about talking about his feelings. At the time all he had was us and his dog.

In a way I was glad he was home. We did not let him have money or drive. We felt time and loving care would help him a lot. In reality, looking back, he never really engaged in life again. We tried, he was a 27 yr old man, we could only suggest things.

Anyway over the last couple of years I had become more and more reclusive. He became my house buddy. He was always up to driving me places, we had some good times together. I wish I had hugged him more and maybe said I loved you more. He was so smart and talented. How can this be real ?

There are so many whys and what ifs.

I miss him more than words can say. I have so much guilt.

I was just going through and old notebook and found a suicide note I wrote to him in 2010. Amongst other things I told him I was sorry he got a defective Mom. How could I have ever thought about leaving him. Now he is the one that left. It makes absolutely no sense.

Today it feels too much to handle. Doing anything seems useless. There is no comfort in anything.

You did everything in your power and made all the decisions that you saw as right in that moment.

I'm not normally religious, but you have to let go of that guilt and let God take some of your burden. You can't take all of the blame for his death because he was capable of making his own decisions. YES! Heroin is an awful drug. You know what, though? You're using your child's life as a motivation to help save others who are in your predicament. Jason may not be here but he is praising the Lord because you're taking action to save people who fall for this devastating drug. If you save one person through your work, you're showing Jason that mama's got a kick and she's honored his memory.

I don't think Jason thought he was going to die. I don't think he intended to put you or your husband through pain. He is your child and should have left after you. However, he didn't and now you have the opportunity to go through your grievances and show him how strong you really are.

Your underlying desire to live has brought forth new opportunity.

I've been keeping track of your threads even though I haven't really posted in them. I finally have something worth contributing.

You did everything you could. Like you said, he was a grown man and you could only make suggestions. It's not your fault.

My mom was sick my whole life. She had cancer. She couldn't do things other moms could because the medicine made her sick. She was in her bed a lot, sleeping away pain and medicine. She couldn't keep the house up and she couldn't take me to all the things she wanted. She she couldn't always be there for me when I needed her, because she was in bed. But, she wasn't a defective mom. She was the best mom ever! And I would not trade a single second of the time I had with her for anything.

So, you are not a defective mom. You were the best mom you could be! And it's not your fault! Sometime bad things happen. You got a great gift, those months he was your house buddy. The two of you were a gift for each other. He just made a bad choice, but it wasn't your fault.

I don't know what to say except I'm here I have major mom guilt, people always tell me all this is not my fault. But I hear you cuz we brought them inthe world, and they had to grow up with us as bp moms, and our black hole depressions. Do you pray? I think you do, could you hand this guilt over to God, ask for help with it? Please fight the black hole. I don't feel well today, not sure if it's the flu or depression or what, but I'm hiding in my bed and must get to work still. I'm forcing positive affirmations in my mind, cuz i'm mean to myself. Trying hard to tell myself I can do this.


And, hey, sometimes I have to take a break from here. I get too attached and enmeshed. And sometimes I can't read all the threads, and I'll try to avoid ones that might really upset me, just cuz I can't handle it. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

Shred a tear here. It's so hard, I wonder how we always blame ourselves and can't admit we're just humans after all. Sometimes I think we're too hard on ourselves.. At others I feel like Im being selfish, don't know about y'all.

It has gone beyond tears. It is a pain and sorrow in every cell of my body and mind. In my warped thinking I wonder if I could have a near death experience so I can know if he is ok. So we can say our earthly goodbyes.

I need a shower so bad, but I can't seem to move. I see the grief counselor on Thursday that seems so far away. I feel I won't make it , it is much too hard.

Well... How about angel tarot cards? Or opening randomly the Bible after praying for guidance from God. Meditate on what you seek, pray for comfort, and read... The Bible is alive, speaking to us, I'm sure you will find some peace there.

I mediated and prayed for two hours this morning. Just my luck our pastor tripped on his rope comming back from Jason's grave site. He hurt his leg very badly. He had surgery the next day. A week later he developed blood clots on the lungs and was hospitalized. Now he has the flu. It is a small church no assistant pastor. He had promised to be there for me. But he has not been able to be.

Speed3 is there a way that you can go to IOP both to get out of the house and get more support?

you totally belong here, with us. I'm sorry that things seem to be happening on the boards when you came. It's my fault too and I am sorry.

please don't worry about what you say and monitor yourself like that. like someone once told me, calm down, slow down, and make this place your safe haven.

Not sure. I would have to ask PDOC.

Thanks Dan

:-/ sorry to read that. Maybe you can find a support group around. Or even a forum with members that has gone through the same experience.

just don't forget to use this support group too!

^ Word! :-)

I have found a group Compassionate Friends they only meet once a month. Haven't found any forums or hot lines. I have a grief counselor, see her once a week on Thurdays.I will start art therapy In February. I have another Reiki treatment On Friday. Trying yoga starting Sunday.

All this on the assumption I can leave the house.Big assumption.