[Secretum]

Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts

None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.

Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe its a habit that you automatically believe suit is the answer if something goes wrong? All you can do is identify and correct the thought.

Ill type a proper response when I get on a laptop.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change

If everybody who is pathetic and lazy commits suicide, the species will soon be extinct. Think about the preservation of the species!

[Secretum]

Haha, Hamster, even in this dark place, you got me to laugh.

[hamster-bamster]

That is good. Laughter, the best medicine. But take the preservation of the species seriously, nothing funny about that obligation!

[dugan123]

Hi secretum

It could b a habit but its definitely an indicator that something is wrong. When u have the thought let it trip right on through ur head and keep on going. Try not to focus on the sui thought and don't nourish it. My pdoc told me it could b how the mania is manifesting itself. Ur r not a coward for not committing suicide. Quite the opposite. I think u r a strong person for not believing the thoughts!! Best of luck!!

[AeonDM]

"I guess I realize that I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live either, but—there really isn’t anything in-between. Depression is about as close as you get to somewhere between dead and alive, and it’s the worst. But since the tendency toward inertia means that it’s easier for me to stay alive than die, I guess that’s how it’s going to be, so I guess I should try to be happy."
–ditto

"I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t.

Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark—why not kill myself? Missed the bus—better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie—maybe I shouldn’t kill myself.

Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy."
–ditto

[BlueInanna]

I do it too S, has to be part of the bp, hypersensitivity, catastrophic thinking. Can you challenge the thoughts and consider you just want things to be different? You don't have to find all the solutions at once, but try to break it down as to what you want to be different in your life? You want friends who show they care, you want more energy to get things done so you don't have to feel lazy and mad at yourself about it.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts

None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.

Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.

I marked this as triggering just in case.

This is my own personal opinion on this. It's only based on observations I have lived through myself.

I struggled with the suicidal thoughts issues for longer than I can remember. I do have three attempts, two as a teenager and one as a young adult. None were successful.

These thoughts, in my opinion, are part of the mis-wiring of the brain for MI. Not everyone has it, but I think it's pretty common. I know that for me, as soon as something would go bad, triggering me into depression, the suicidal thoughts would just flood in unannounced. Usually, they were just fleeting thoughts and go away. Sometimes stronger. For my 3 attempts, I had no plan, they were all sudden and rash, the first time I was not alone but the other two times I was alone, so it wasn't "attention" seeking like some people claim. But, I've also had plans before, very specific and detailed ones.

I have come up with two analogies for suicide.

The first is that suicidal thoughts are litle a little demon whispering in your ear. It's always there, waiting for you to let your guard down. It's waiting to tell you lies and make you feel worse. You constantly have to be on the lookout, because it can overwhelm you if you let it seduce you with the dark lies.

Second is that bipolar (or depression or whatever) is like a storm. Suicidal thoughts are the lightning in the storm. Sometimes they are just far away flashes. Other times, they are right over your head, crashing down around you. They are brief, temporary, and deadly... just like lightning.

You can overcome these thoughts with vigilance, but it's not easy. I have mostly gotten rid of them. I feel I have succeeded. In my bigger episodes, it might flash through my mind. But no more plans. And they don't come as often as they used to. So, I feel that I am successful in this. I also believe even though now I'm at this place mentally, I need to be careful. They could come back later if something goes wrong. So, I stay vigilent.

Remember: suicidal thoughts are a symptom of the illness, and not the illness itself.

[hamster-bamster]

Secretum,

You are having a crush on a professor. That means that you are alive and well. It takes life force to develop a crush. You have life force in you.

[Tiger_Lily]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts

None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.

Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.

I know, for me, thinking about suicide can be as simple as knowing I have a "way out" if life gets too much. Often knowing that, I can hold on. As for being a coward, you are courageous for living on.

Your friends care, your family cares. I've seen the effects suicide can have. I know how my attempts have hurt my friends and family. They may accept if I suicide, but they will love me till the end.

As someone else said, there would be a lot fewer people in the world if being lazy and unable to change meant death.

As for thinking, have you ever thought about anything else you would never do: shoplift, hit the annoying driver who cut you off? It's not insincere to choose not to do what you've thought of doing.

I am glad they are just thoughts, I want you to stay alive.

[Secretum]

Thanks, everyone. Today's been hard; I've been obsessing about it a lot. I tried calling my mom last night (which is progress, because I'm pretty bad at reaching out), but she had her own stuff going on and couldn't listen. That really hurt. I want to talk to anyone, another family member or a friend, but I'm afraid of getting the same reaction. I've even considered calling my t, but I don't want to bother her if she's busy with something.

[Secretum]

I just e-mailed my t. Hopefully she'll get back to me soon.

[venusss]

hope you feel better soon.

[~Christina]

Hope these thoughts soon leave your daily life .

[Darth Bane]

perhaps you don't really need friends... but i guess you might not be introvert.... if you are extrovert then you might need them... you can have acquaintances no need for friends... i have/always had two best friends,4-5 good friends.... when i was depressed at first i tried to get tens of friends... and succeeded in it but having many friends really doesn't make you happy... when you are depressed nothing makes you happy... you just have to wait until your brain heals itself and floods itself with serotonin-dopamine.....

you could use these lyrics when you feel better..

Wherever You Were
When I needed a friend

Wherever You Were
When it looked like the end

Well you can go there now
Yeah you can go there now

Because I don't need,
I don't need you no how