[BlueInanna]

My heart's been racing, sometimes I feel it thud pumping in my chest, been a few days now I'm in a panic mode, not sleeping well. Drinking to try to quell the anxiety, big crying spells, intense irritability, pacing, shaking, hanging my head down shaking it sadly, thinking people are so evil like this kid who kicked my son in his back, like the principal and teacher who are punishing my son for calling this kid a name after it happened, they're not acknowledging that another kid physically assaulted my kid, why think a kid is evil, kids aren't evil.

That all sounds really bad when I list it like that...

My sister said I sound unwell, and that I'm sick a lot, that was a big blow. But she's right, and concerned, I suppose I'm not making sense when I talk to her and she's telling me to slow down and calm down and breathe.

I backed up into bf's truck door yesterday, totally sober... I started backing up without looking behind me to see that his door was open. Now it won't close all the way. He tried to be nice to me about it but just left, I could tell he was very angry. He called me a couple hours later saying that he just spent an hour on phone with his insurance and that they'll be calling me. Luckily my insurance payment just went through, it overdrew my bank account on Thursday. He doesn't really care that much about me, it's obviously a pointless relationship. He's now bringing up the money I owe him, that last week he said I wouldn't have to repay.

I need to try and sleep, but I also need to go clean my car and sell it, and find any jewelry to sell. How will I pay him back? Now I've got a "car accident" from when I was only rolling slowly backward in my driveway, he says it's at least a few thousand dollars worth of damage. Can't believe I did that.

I've lost my health insurance couldn't pay it. Been out of klonopin for a week now and my heart is racing. I don't think it's time for hospital I just think I need rest and to talk this lame **** through.

Could I be in mania or do you guys think this is just a normal nervous breakdown like anyone would get from this much stress?? Am I supposed to go to the hospital for this? I always pictured going to the hospital would only be if I'm not safe, like about to hurt myself or others. But I feel pretty crazy right now. I think I can ride it out...

[Pierro]

Blueinna , Im sorry that you are having a rough time. Its great that your sister cares, that is a plus, the palpations may be from the lack of Klonopin. Im not a doctor but you shouldnt be drinking on meds. They make things worse. Im sound like I'm giving out to you, but I'm just concerned. Have you told your sister about not having klonopin, Maybe she might have some suggestions. \i dont know how the health care works in U.S.. Sorry I cant be more help to you.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

My heart's been racing, sometimes I feel it thud pumping in my chest, been a few days now I'm in a panic mode, not sleeping well. Drinking to try to quell the anxiety, big crying spells, intense irritability, pacing, shaking, hanging my head down shaking it sadly, thinking people are so evil like this kid who kicked my son in his back, like the principal and teacher who are punishing my son for calling this kid a name after it happened, they're not acknowledging that another kid physically assaulted my kid, why think a kid is evil, kids aren't evil.

That all sounds really bad when I list it like that...

My sister said I sound unwell, and that I'm sick a lot, that was a big blow. But she's right, and concerned, I suppose I'm not making sense when I talk to her and she's telling me to slow down and calm down and breathe.

I backed up into bf's truck door yesterday, totally sober... I started backing up without looking behind me to see that his door was open. Now it won't close all the way. He tried to be nice to me about it but just left, I could tell he was very angry. He called me a couple hours later saying that he just spent an hour on phone with his insurance and that they'll be calling me. Luckily my insurance payment just went through, it overdrew my bank account on Thursday. He doesn't really care that much about me, it's obviously a pointless relationship. He's now bringing up the money I owe him, that last week he said I wouldn't have to repay.

I need to try and sleep, but I also need to go clean my car and sell it, and find any jewelry to sell. How will I pay him back? Now I've got a "car accident" from when I was only rolling slowly backward in my driveway, he says it's at least a few thousand dollars worth of damage. Can't believe I did that.

I've lost my health insurance couldn't pay it. Been out of klonopin for a week now and my heart is racing. I don't think it's time for hospital I just think I need rest and to talk this lame **** through.

Could I be in mania or do you guys think this is just a normal nervous breakdown like anyone would get from this much stress?? Am I supposed to go to the hospital for this? I always pictured going to the hospital would only be if I'm not safe, like about to hurt myself or others. But I feel pretty crazy right now. I think I can ride it out...

It sounds to me like its withdrawals from the klon. In my opinion you can't just stop taking them you need to wean off. However, you sound like your experiencing a lot of stress as well.

Can you get more klonopin?

I'm thinking of you and hope you feel better soon, I hate that feeling. You are a really cool person, remember that. . You are just having a hard time right now. Pm me if you need to.

[optimize990h]

BlueInanna, klonopin is a medication that you have to wean off. A person will go through withdrawal symptoms(maybe that's causing what you are experiencing this past week), if klonopin dose is not reduced slowly. I think that's what it is. How long have you been on klonopin? Check with a pharmacist to make sure.

Oh, klonopin is not recommended if you are driving a car and alcohol makes klonopin adverse effects worse.

I hope you pull out of this ok, be safe call for help if you need it.

[BlueInanna]

I can maybe get more klonopin... but have no insurance now, it used to be $10 or so per bottle... Plus I've made it a week without it, it would be so nice to get off that stuff for good. I only have $30, I need to buy food for my kids with that money, so idk pretty screwed right now. I can't gether my thoughts together well enough to go sell the things I need to. And I havent slept, shouldnt be driving. There are no stores and not even public buses around here. I wish I had my mom here or someone to help me out a little bit.

You think klonopin withdrawals would just show up a week after quitting them? I guess I thought that would be more immediate but yea maybe it hangs around in your system. I didn't even take it every single day, just sometimes at night.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I can maybe get more klonopin... but have no insurance now, it used to be $10 or so per bottle... Plus I've made it a week without it, it would be so nice to get off that stuff for good. I only have $30, I need to buy food for my kids with that money, so idk pretty screwed right now. I can't gether my thoughts together well enough to go sell the things I need to. And I havent slept, shouldnt be driving. There are no stores and not even public buses around here. I wish I had my mom here or someone to help me out a little bit.

You think klonopin withdrawals would just show up a week after quitting them? I guess I thought that would be more immediate but yea maybe it hangs around in your system. I didn't even take it every single day, just sometimes at night.

I went off lorazapam suddenly a couple times. I noticed the intense anxiety, rapid heart rate etc within a couple days. It progressively got worse for about a week.

Can you get somebody to loan you money for a bit? You in my opinion need to get more klonopin just temporarily until at a later date you can safely wean off.

Sorry you are going through this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Sounds like a mix of panic attack or mixed state to me, Blue. I'm guessing you're just stressed out through the roof and it is dirivng all of this.

I'm sorry your bf is being a jerk. You only seem to talk about him when he's being a jerk.... That's not so good.

But I still am sensing Iris around you.

Hope. Promise for the Future.

This card is telling us that there is light breaking through the present Darkness. (It's like the Winter darkness is fading to make room for the brightness of Spring.) Hope is such a beautiful thing to have as we wait for the storms to pass. There is always something to be learned in the darkness.

The passage through the storm is a time of potential growth, to allow all of our old and dead issues to blow away or to be cleaned by the rain. Let this be a time of liberation and transformation for you. There is so much beauty coming your way, so much light to be ready for and to celebrate.

Good things are coming but you're not out of the storm yet.

here is an image.

[BlueInanna]

So a girlfriend is checking if she still has some of her old klons, she doesn't take them anymore. Wow that would be great if I could ween off them properly. I probably wouldn't really desire the wine if I'd quit properly but **** happened.

Had a small miracle with work, not the loan I need, but a potential spark of hope and solution. I love my biz and want to be able to keep working.

For now this is a sick day and I'm going to try to be nurturing to myself. Would be nice to take a bath but that would require cleaning tub... i could probably handle that in a bit. I keep going between pacing, cleaning a little, to laying down trying to sleep. I really don't like Mondays and its trash night... Praying for a miracle like maybe older son taking care of taking out trash cans tonight, I hope we don't forget to do it. More anxiety ugghh ...

[BlueInanna]

Oh wow DH she is beautiful thank you so much for that. Tears of gratitude.

Yea bf is kinda a jerk. Easter morning started so nice, he brought me red roses and bacon and potatoes and did yardwork while I cooked. But something really set me off yesterday... I'd confided in a realtor "friend" a couple weeks ago about my troubles and that I may need to sell moms house for her. I confided that bf and I were broke up but that I agreed to go to dinner with him and hoping for reconciliation and perhaps he would fix up house and wait to get paid until sale. I was very clear with her that this tlk was confidential. So anyway she saw my bf in town and told him things I'd said. I feel so betrayed and tried to explain to bf but he's clueless about women and friendships and didn't want to hear it be thought I was overreacting . She told him, "if C has to sell her house, I want the chicken coop and will pay you to move it." It's a big breach of trust and I feel she's an opportunistic bish, and flippantly shooting her mouth around town about my life falling apart. And she must be an idiot to lose a listing on a million dollar house. Yea I gotta do something with this anger :/ she's one of those always flirty with my boyfriend. He has zero interest in her. I wonder why people like her seem obviously insane and get away without having to have some dx...

I totally forget my point sorry. Maybe point is that yes totally stressed out feel on the verge of losing house car career worldly possessions and I'm scared for my life and my kids. I do wish I had a good husband for that support and companionship. I wish my kids had a good dad. And I've expressed this to bf, he never wants to marry again. I would love to have a partner to share my life and secrets with and especially through dark times like this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Your realtor "friend" is oportunistic for sure! Yikes! Sounds like she was after more than the chicken coop to me. Yes, I would never trust her to sell anything and make sure you smash your chicken coop to all hell if you ever sell that place.

A lot of men don't understand that you have to vent. And if you can't vent to them you'll vent to a friend. It's not against them. It's how a woman's brain works. We have to talk and analyse. Men fix. Women analyze. That's just how nature made it for some reason.

It's okay to be scared. But you can turn it into fuel maybe? You're a strong woman. You will get through this.

[~Christina]

(((((( Blue )))))))

[BlueInanna]

So I just this burst of energy and went outside, the sun was out a little for the first time in days... I swept my garage, it was bad dirty, with a broken half mop, I have no broom... back breaker for sure.

I found my car insurance info and called bf, he didn't answer, he almost always answers cuz I call less than he does. So I think he's ignoring me. I don't know why he contacted insurance without discussing with me, he acted so innocent about it yesterday said, "I just assumed everyone has insurance" ... he's quite judgmental of anyone not so perfect as himself. I was texting with a gf for another sanity check and she agrees you don't really just call insurance without disucssing with person you're in a relationship with. She said, shouldn't it be more like, "honey what should we do about this?" He never really talks that sweet to me, makes me sad to think I have been trying to keep this going with him. So, I just left him a message that I need to get all his insurance and vehicle info so I can call it in and let the agencies deal with each other on it. He really confuses me, I asked him yesterday if this means he's done with me, and he got mad at me, pretty much yelled at me asking why do I think like thatk, and I cried and he tried to reassure me a bit but got off the phone quickly.

Maybe he's mad about the reason I left for the store yesterday, it was because I wanted wine, and I was clear about how I felt a strong desire for alcohol and it was all I could think about and wanted something to ease my nerves. I'm not proud of it, and was honest with him. But he's an alcoholic, an admittedly "highly functioning" one... ok maybe i'll go back to alanon tomorrow nihjt

I ate an apple but feel sick to my stomach, haven't really been eating.

Very proud of myself though for getting something done in the garage, and ride out this storm til my rainbows come.

So-oo-o sorry, Blue. See if you can get your mother to come stay with you for a
short while until you get things under control.

(And get another real estate agent; take it out of the hands of the woman who is
the agent now. You can do that for breach of confidence.)

What magic is happening at your business? That could be a pleasant surprise.

If you and your sister are in agreement now, this is a good time to let her step in
and help you if she is willing.

Take care; keep resting and bathing and cleaning and thinking good thoughts.

Be safe.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by genetic

So-oo-o sorry, Blue. See if you can get your mother to come stay with you for a
short while until you get things under control.

(And get another real estate agent; take it out of the hands of the woman who is
the agent now. You can do that for breach of confidence.)

What magic is happening at your business? That could be a pleasant surprise.

If you and your sister are in agreement now, this is a good time to let her step in
and help you if she is willing.

Take care; keep resting and bathing and cleaning and thinking good thoughts.

Be safe.

Thanks so much Gen. My mom would come if she could but she's across the country and we can't afford the airfare right now. But I'm trying to think good thoughts, and yes there is some magic happening with biz. Something really good might happen, just had a call. I am for some reason feeling a little paranoid with all this anxiety, like if I talk about this potential huge blessing in the works too soon, I will jinx it and it won't happen... so I'm just giving it up to God and universe, praying for blessings, and understand the blessings may come in form I don't understand or expect but faith that I will get through it. And I'm afraid to get my hopes up because I want to be well prepared for the worst that may come.... I don't know, I suppose I feel it's out of my hands because I've worked very hard and prepared all the necessary financials and plans. Apparantly there are some people who believe in us and want to invest. (omg omg excited, fingers crossed, yes please please please work!! thank you thank you!!) I am so freaking scared for my life though, but trying to think kind and grateful thoughts. I deserve wonderful blessings and miracles right? We all do. I'm trying to learn to believe in myself too that I am worthy of good things. It's either going to work out or it's not, but then somehow it will work out in the long run. My sister is being wonderful and calming me down, reminding me about prayers and telling me that me getting a healthy calm mind is the most important thing, even if we lose everything we both know we've tried our best, and will somehow find peace with it if that's what comes. My involvement here has really helped teach me how to be more supportive with her (she has a bp dx as well) and just stop and listen when she needs, we're avoiding arguments and being supportive of each other, complete 180 from where we were.
Thanks

[Secretum]

((blue)) I don't know what is causing your racing heart, but I hope that you can find out soon and address the problem. Try to eat, please. I know that it must be very difficult to keep food down when you are feeling so anxious/manicky, but it will really help you to take care of yourself physically. Also, eating can help you keep to a schedule if you have meals at regular times. And keeping to a schedule is always good (though rarely is it easy! )

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by Secretum

((blue)) I don't know what is causing your racing heart, but I hope that you can find out soon and address the problem. Try to eat, please. I know that it must be very difficult to keep food down when you are feeling so anxious/manicky, but it will really help you to take care of yourself physically. Also, eating can help you keep to a schedule if you have meals at regular times. And keeping to a schedule is always good (though rarely is it easy! )

Thanks beautiful. What should I eat? Nothing sounds appetizing at all... I have some kale and apples and blueberries, I could maybe clean out my dusty juicer, I've been meaning to start using it again.

[bluemountains]

Hi Blue,
I'm sending hugs your way, I can't believe what awful luck you had when running into the truck door!
It sounds like there is a glimmer of hope with your business, I hope something works out! I am also glad you have a good friend who is helping you with the klonopin. Hopefully, you can figure out a way to get a new prescription.
The trash-I will be so proud of your son if he does it without constant reminders. Mine can be overflowing, and no one seems to notice!
Bluemountains

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

Hi Blue,
I'm sending hugs your way, I can't believe what awful luck you had when running into the truck door!
It sounds like there is a glimmer of hope with your business, I hope something works out! I am also glad you have a good friend who is helping you with the klonopin. Hopefully, you can figure out a way to get a new prescription.
The trash-I will be so proud of your son if he does it without constant reminders. Mine can be overflowing, and no one seems to notice!
Bluemountains

Thank you Blue Iknow right - I can't believe I did that - thought I always check my mirrors instinctually when backing up. And such a costly mistake holy cow.

I was reading my insurance card, it says firstly if I have an accident, do not admit guilt - whoops too late for that. But maybe he shouldn't have left his door open parked behind my car like that, jk. Oh well, I feel I am at fault for it.

There is a glimmer of hope and that fact in itself is a miracle!

Friend with klon couldn't find it, but that's ok, I will be ok, I've made it a week now already. Staying away from the wine in the fridge, so far so good.

I just made dinner for kids, put chickens away (3 eggs today yay!), took out all trash and rolled out cans, cleaned kitchen counters, fed all the animals their dinner... I'm still a little amped though, like who put crack cocaine in my water? I decided to just get the trash done on my own, I needed to get energy out and shows them a good example I spose. But now I'm back in my room and see 2 bags of trash I forgot, darnit, oh well, put em out in next weeks. This was a lot for me to get done, this was enough for today.

Praying for sleep tonight...