I really believed I was better

...have to love this kinda' thing!...the ultimate expression of naive!

...and mania is real...there is no denying that! hit's me so suddenly too...
like a bolt of lightening to my overexposed head

I went on about 'yoyos' recently...and how at the lowest point it gets... on it's way down to the limit of it's string...
the change in direction is instant!
suddenly it's on it's way back up and any evidence of falling is immediately erased!

...so this is what happens and Sunday was a very weird day as months of depressing descent suddenly reversed itself. Talk about a chemical imbalance or some crazy else unexplainable reasoning behind this illness?

...and the belief I was better was so spectacular. like 'better' forever!...so I exercised...I hypersensitized with music and drank a shitload....again!...didn't sleep a wink ...rang up about 50 people...made a total fool out of myself....like life had given birth to a full grown adult for the first time.

...and all thats happened is that I have just totally freaked myself out again!...but even moreso....again!...

so a day after this imaginary 'cure' took place I was moments away from going back to hospital....and somehow resisted

...so damn naive like it's never happened before it happens time after time and can anybody blame a cripple who can suddenly use his legs again from ....running around like a madman?

forgot what the hell point I was making ...
I guess I just wish that feeling better didn't always make me feel worse again

I still like the way you express yourself.

It sounds horribly torturous I wish I could help.

...it helps to write.
about 2% of the stuff in my head ends up on here.

I have to deal with the rest by myself somehow

I really relate to that you put it well. I wish my hypomanias would just stay that way. But they end up turning on me....so now I take meds.

If only we could control it though...

...it's re-assuring to know I'm not alone..thanks for this.
I've been on medication for a while now...but it's like I'm immune to it or something weird like that?

...today I had an appointment with the psychiatrist but feeling too freaked out to go I rang up and cancelled it...
but turned up anyway! wtf?
the doc increased my dosage....what a surprise

You aren't alone. The worst thing for me is when I realize that it is mania again. Honestly the mania "happiness" feels better and more real sometimes that actual happiness. I write too to let it out. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time finding medications that work. I'm still not there yet and it has been 13 years for me, but hopefully you can find something to relieve the worst of it.

Drinking makes meds useless. They stop working. Also howl is also a depressant and can screw my moods up for a few weeks after drinking. So I had to cut it out. And guess what...I still have bipolar. I used the alcohol to lift the highs and escape the lows but it doesn't work. It makes things worse for me. Hope you are feeling better.

I can relate to those two lines of your post (well all of it really, but these parts more than the rest) so much that I was nearly howling with misery upon reading them It can be very painful and confusing being bipolar

Your not alone. I've been thinking about you, how are u today?

...well it's clear to me now I had an episode a few nights ago...and it had been building up for about a week. I'm just pleased I didn't wind up sedated chained to a bed and detained as has been the case every other time....that kind of thing can really ruin the day! seems I am learning that I can just lock all the doors and detain myself...which is much better I guess.

still feel emotionally and mentally violated!...and by 'myself'...or whatever supernatural alien energy lives inside of me.

..it had been so long since the last episode and because it arrived without the typical assault of negativity that I'm familiar with?...this is what befuddled me somewhat into really thinking I had finally recovered from pretty much every mental and personal affliction! (HA as if?)...but the energy kept growing and the alien subjugated me once again...and so I feel violated!

it's like a new and wonderful piece of life joins the existing one...and soon after a much bigger chunk breaks off!...therefore being worse off than before.

...now I'm just exhausted and irritable...restless

thankyou for asking ...I was just going to say I'm exhausted didn't know I would write so much

(actually I should know that when I set my mood as 'OKAY' for 6 days in a row..thats just ridiculous!)

I believed it too James but not in the bp sense, I thought I was cured of the bpd that afflicts my core... Man did I get a rude awakening!

So in a sense, I really do empathize with you, please get some rest. The shyt we deal with is exhausting on so many levels. I know I could easily go into a coma for a week if I didn't have work.

Hey dm! (Sorry to have not replied sooner, but I've scarcely even been ON the computer lately(!))
On the "oh, all better now!" Been there! Just today, in fact. Followed of course by the thought, "maybe ditch the meds", you know? Then was put in mind of the last big episode.... Oh. Right. That.
Those "better now" feelings really can catch one unawares, can't they?!
Cracked me up with these statements. Especially, "that's just ridiculous". (And...Wha?! There's an "okay" option?! ) They're about serious things, yet you have a way with words that shows keeping a great sense of humor. Much appreciated!

...Lia thankyou so much for this! .
..aint it weird seems we both hit a dirty big wall each!...and definitely not on purpose...there seem to be other forces at work!


I have been following your predicament and wanting to offer comfort but feeling useless to do so cos my head has been spinning after colliding with mine...bleh!

...and I also don't want to be pushy either...I really do recognise how brutal the bpd will be when it hits...and like you said .."without warning!"
it just pulls the ground from beneath your feet!

shyt shyt shyt alright!...it's all the thinking and the thinking...whoever would have expected thoughts to actually cause physical pain? ...and just containing them all ...barely!, emotional energy overload...bring on the coma!

...I had a brief bpd attack too...during my manic rocket launch decided to contact my 'x' love of my past life ....what a dope going there at all, may as well carefully extract my own soul...gently put it on the floor stab it with broken glass and set fire to it! ...and it's not even her fault just this dumbass collection of illnesses and most other peoples accidental inability to know nothing about how to handle us who have them!

but thats nothing compared to what you are going through right now and I've been really concerned...I just know you will make it through being the amazing little woman you are...
I will get some rest...am still operating at above average velocity! ...I swear it's like my brain is chasing itself...aaah!

I hope you get some peace and rest dearest buddy

don't want this to be you...

hey no problems at all Iz ... I understand absence...I come and go on here like a cyber rash!

thanks heaps for the complimentary observation...I didn't realise the humour so much but now can see it's kinda there...thankyou for pointing it out.

there is just so much absurdity! but not immediately recognisable I wish I could express the emotions right when they are the most painfull...but I'm typically hiding in a corner ...cowering from my own senses.

...absurdity in abundance... and so much poop to crawl through before it sorta' begins to get amusing I guess...

Oh man! Does that ever bring up drinking days memories - and there were really no good ones. I used to hide my phone before I started drinking to try to prevent the "drunk dials" and always found it. Next day, too scared to look to see who I'd called, until I had a few drinks in me. (Ye ole Liquid Courage) and it would start over.

I quit drinking 5 years ago and thought I was better. Scariest thing of all I got to my worst stone cold sober. Manic. Hard to admit how imbalanced I really was & only had my mind to blame.

I feel ya! And quite relate to the 2% of the stuff in your head you do post.