Crashing

Some things have happened that are dragging me. down.

My nice little more manic rush is going away and I'm crashign down down down.

I am haivng thig feeling that something is goig on against me. I feel I have no one to take me eriously. I'm thinking like all these things are falling to pieces. I'm losing things. Things are slipping through my fingers. NOthing will ever get better. I'm stuck. Trapped in a place where I don't know who I can trust, the trustful people are all melting to reveal, what? I feel like a big joke. is it in my head or not? Trying to climb back up to where I was only to find out, uh oh, the floor isn't where it was when I was there before, so I fall back down.

I feel like I must have done something terrible. I can't hold it together. I explode. When I explode, it breaks everything. If I don't explode, what then? How can I heal if I can't find solid ground to sit on? I'm not good at determining what's real and waht's not. Why say something if it's not real? Why tell me something not real because I can't feel safe if the not real words are in my head.

You are not a joke. I found out today that there are some big solar flares going on. In astronomy it means radio signals go out etc. In esoteric astrology it means be careful, you may feel off center. Know it will pass. This info gave me solace today because I was not ok last night, way off balance, rageful. But your situation is its own unique one. Please rest tonight and lean on hubby for support stay as calm as possible. Love you

Thanks. There is no calm today unfortunately. The littlest things flare up. I feel a big part of me going numb. More and more. I'm tired.

I don't know if it's solar flares or what causes it. But I am just feeling like this mixture of numbness and worthlessness. It's not even a sadness. Just heavy and empty at the same time. I'm feeling exceptionally gross and terrible. I keep trying to think positively.

Everything went from sunny to bleak in the blink of an eye. I feel completely lost today. I haven't felt this numbness in a long, long time....

I was hoping it ws Monday blues only Are you home from work now?

No. Still not time to go yet. It's frustrating.

Dark Heart...I don't know you or your situation well enough to comment on your feelings but I can tell you about mine... I get down and when I do, I get confused. Friends sometimes don't feel like friends anymore. And I spiral into negativity that seems to feed those feelings and keep me confused. I usually feel worthless and empty as well which makes it hard for me to filter out reality. I have totally felt like life was slipping through my fingers. Then the tide changes and things are ok again.

It seems like you are having a really rough time and I hope that being down passes fast. I hope the metaphorical midnight has past and dawn is just around the corner...hang tight. (((hugs)))

I am feeling a little better today so far. I feel off balance. I still feel heavy, but not as much. Today is a busy day so I'll probably be on the go all day until later, but have plans for cuddling and watching shows after all the business, so I'm looking forward to that.

I still have that strong feeling that something is going on against me. I keep trying to logic myself out of it. I just feel a lot of hostility towrds me from all over. I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking it's true. It isn't very easy sometimes.

DH Im running out the door to see my Pdoc .. Know I care about you and Im throwing loving thoughts your way.

Thinking of you sis and know that even in my weird silence, I love you bunches and try to check the forums daily and reply where and how I'm able, sending you lots of hugs and love and hoping you feel centred and safe soon

--sending good energy---for a better tomorrow. some days just suck and feel hard to figure out. logic is the first thing to go for me. Nice that you can still attempt to use it even while down.

I have done a lot of work with reality checking in the past year. It's not easy. I feel this strong urge that people are not just talking behind my back, but being viciously mean to me. And like spreading horrible rumors about me to a lot of people. That it's a long term thing that's been going on and that people are laughing at me and my "ignorance" that I'm just a big joke to them. It's a wide spread problem over lots of people I know, including family members, co-workers, friends...

I am trying to talk myself out of it. I keep telling myself this is a common thing for me to start thinking, it always ends up to be not true. It's like wrestling in my brain. One side saying "how do you know it was never true, they could just be good at hiding it." Strong urges to like learn how to hack into things so I can read e-mails, listen to conversations, etc. etc. This huge drive to find proof. While the reality checking me is saying "No, it's not true. All the times you do stupid stuff like look through e-mails you don't find anything." And then the other side is like "Oh, but maybe they just are smart and delete things."

It's like angel and devil on my shoulder.... It drives me crazy. I have no reason to be feeling this right now. The whole reasonI joined twitter 2 years ago was because of this type of stupid crap.... >.<

That must be exhausting I've experienced it too, but never to the degree you so eloquently described and never for long periods of time. I'm really sorry sis, Idk what to say to make it better or dissapear completely and can only offer you a willing ear, I hope you remember that you can pm me if you feel safe enough to

Thanks, sis. I just don't want this to be a long one. I've been getting some other odd thoughts. I can't really put words to them. You know if I don't have words then something is off....

Yes, "off" is a fitting word. Off balance, off kilter, off is a good word... Take it slow. I have an idea.

Write down any words that come to mind when you think of how you're feeling. They don't have to be sentences or even coherent. Trust me, word salad is good enough. With the salad we can assess each ingredient as part of the puzzle and try and piece it together. I believe that attaching some meaningful words to these thoughts may just give you something positive to work with...

What do you think? You can pm me if you want to piece the puzzle in a more private setting, and there is no danger of me sleeping tonight so I'll be here as long as you need me sis

Thanks, sis, that's a good idea.

Last night I was run down. Then I tried a new game my husband had linked to me a few days ago and got hooked. Stayed up a bit too late, but I was finally starting to feel relaxed and not overwhelmed by everything. I'm a bit sleepy, but not terrible. I've been worse.

So, flash forward to 7:30 a.m. and I'm getting my 6 year old into the car so we can head out for the day, and I hear talking from the pocket. "Hello? How are you! Oh, that's nice." It kind of sounds like my step-mom. So I'm thinking, did I pocket dial her? I pull out my phone, and it's locked. Nothing in the history showing I made a call....

So, I drop off 6 year old and get behind a truck. We're sitting at a light and I see another minivan in front of him, but realize it's only half of a minivan (cut long ways from nose to back, only the right side is sitting on the road.) No one seems to be reacting to this, like the trucks not trying to go around it or anything. But I can see half of the back winow, the frame was a bluish gray color. I stare at it for a minute, trying to get my mind to make sense of what I'm looking at. Then I realize that there is no minivan there at all. It becomes just a glare of light on the window and then disappears.

Fun way to start the morning, I guess.

Oh hon, what "fun" indeed. I hope your eye/brain pathway is behaving better now. I keep seeing bugs eeeuw, all week, bugs on my wall a bug walking on my bed or across my book, its stress I know so I try not to pay attention to it. That mini-van must have done a number on you... I can only imagine

Is this part of psychosis ?

Maybe. Not sure. Bugs can be a visual hallucination if I remember correctly. They are so gross! Eeeew! Stress induced bugs.

Get yourself a big old boot, sis, and stomp the shyt out of them.

So.... Thanks everyone for listening to me. I feel myself starting to swing the other way. My thoughts are a little clearer. I was struggling with my reality checking so I went and told my husband what was going through my head. I told him I know it's not logical and I'm trying not to think these things, but it's hard. So, he did a good job reassuring me. I wonder if eventually he will convince me enough that it won't come back, or when it does if it will be easy to fight off. Or, if I'll always have this problem.

I don't know.

My mood is shifting, too. My ideas are clearing up and I am starting to swing the way. That's good, I want to write some more.

Very glad to hear that sis
I wouldn't call my current experience psychosis, that's just a tad too hardcore for this. But yes, I see stress induced bugs or have auditory / tactile hallucinations... Guess I'm just too used to them to be bothered much,especially since I know its stress related. I wonder if a boot will help though

I'm glad you are doing better I get wicked attacks of paranoia, or did, when I was working. Not as much to deal with ATM except my daughters father who is the biggest a-hole in the universe, and I assure you that's not paranoia. It's fact.

I haven't had hugely obvious visuals, but that must be interesting to say the least. As long as they are not scary.

I hope you enjoy your writing. I want to write but never know where or how to begin...

Hope your day is stellar!