Thoughts on my dx would be appreciated

For those members unaware, I carry a bp2 dx. I suffered 2 severe psychotic depressions, the 2nd while medicated, it was an hallucinatory type of psychosis. I've also had 2 mixed episodes while medicated, and hallucinate (mildly) independent of episodes, because the pdoc never said any different, and I'm sure I've never been fullblown manic I just thought I'm an oddball type 2.

Recent posts have me thinking though...

My hypomania doesn't stay euphoric for longer than 3 days, I become agitated and highly aggressive day 4. Also my thought distortions are significantly different. No longer do I simply believe I'm sexier and smarter than everyone else, I have also started to entertain the belief that I'm some ethereal timeless creature, write spells, which I bought special marble paper for and laminated too, and believe sleep is for mere mortals... I know to a certain extent it can't really be true, and go along with it as some childish indulgence, but obsessive and in all seriousness at the same time, as if it really is true. Idk if that makes any sense I've never lost complete touch with reality (well, except for actually taking the time to write the spells I guess ) and switch back to "normal" or reality seemingly with ease...

The thing is though, these feelings/beliefs are not new, not by a long shot, they were probably cemented in my psyche wayyy before dx as I remember being 17 and believing I would die on my birthday because creatures like me aren't meant for this torturous world... I was VERY upset when I woke up the day after my birthday btw. I had a break from these thoughts for a long period of time though. Now they have returned with a vengeance, become more pronounced, and no longer as easy to dismiss as childish imaginings and fantasies.
I can't say for sure how long these beliefs last because moodtracking is stressful, so yeah.

Really I'm not asking anyone to re-assess my dx, but
I would like to know your thoughts on it though. Is it "typical" for a bp2 dx? Does everybody's episodes / cycles manifest significantly differently over time without interfering with the dx?

I won't say my bp's worse though, episodes and cycles are now few and far between, its just... different.

Its been on my mind for a while now, and thought I'd let you guys chew on it with me. Any and all constructive input/thoughts welcomed

There is an actual disorder called delusional disorder that would describe your symptoms as grandious. Its not all inclusive to mood disorders/schizoaffective/schizophrenia. Do you know if this has only occurred during a mood state or does it happen during relatively stable times too?

It can also be a symptom of unease in sleep. You can have a threshold for needing less sleep, but if you haven't been sleeping well then you can potentially experience some form of psychosis. If your really stressed right now, it can also contribute.

Problem with psychiatric disorders are the sources that can cause imbalance.

The latest genetics suggest that bipolar schizoaffective and schizophrenia are all related. In essence the divide between mood and thought disorders is artificial. It sort of invalidates the DSM making all Dx's meaningless. It makes sense given that antipsychotics are prescribed for all of them. In short I wouldn't worry too much about your dx because its really just shorthand for the dr.

Trippin, I don't think I can really say what the heck is happening with you, honestly.

I really don't think it's bipolar II, though, because what you go through when these
things hit you aren't anything at all like the hypomania I've experienced, nor are they
like the depression I've experienced for so long. Cutting in the past also is something
I'm not familiar with. (I can't understand the reasoning behind that, anyway. Is it
supposed to bring relief? And is that a feature of bipolar I rather than bipolar II?
I just don't know about that.)

You might be an ultradian bipolar person because of the rapidity of changes that
occur within hours of each other. I know of one ultradian bipolar who used cutting
as part of her effort to ease pain (I guess; I don't know). Your mind may be asking for relief from stress and that's what's causing the changes, in my view. Otherwise, I have no idea
what's happening.

Is that sister-in-law still with your mother and you? That could be triggering this
if she's still there and an influence.

I hesitate to ask how your diet is because I think you manage that superbly. Haven't been touching a little alcohol now and then, have you?

You're not psychotic; you're not schizophrenic; you're just very intelligent and having
fun with dreams, maybe; the fact that you snap back to reality so quickly indicates
to me that it isn't a psychosis.

I know you have very little use for psychiatrists--- understandably, in your case; but if
these things continue, maybe you should select one and just get an evaluation without
promising anything about taking meds. This stuff can get worse, as you know, over
the years without medication if it's really essential to stabilize things.

Thinking about you and genuinely sorry this has interrupted things momentarily.

I can't get a good grasp on your experience as an ethereal creature -can you explain this more (I know not easy)? Do you mean like a ghost or a sprite? Do you believe at these times that if you were to cast one of these spells it would work? I don't know, very interesting/curious. Maybe you could sit down and try to write out how you feel at those times, what you think and see what comes out.

I think it would be important to try and figure out if these thoughts come as part of a whole cluster of symptoms or if they're relatively independent of manic-type symptoms, or if they occur when you're triggered by something, or when you're feeling down, anxious, etc. Certainly worth exploring. Maybe you can talk to your therapist about it, I suspect that in knowing you well, he/she may be able to put it in perspective.

These thoughts/beliefs only present during hypomania, they are not triggered by stress (although some mild hallucinations are) or sleeplessness. They are also not alcohol or trigger related,( I had alcohol last weekend and none of this popped up in my head) Its simply a (newer) side of my hypomania that I've never shared with anyone before...

I don't believe I am ghost no sprite or fay is more accurate, and yes I believe at the time that my spells would work, and I work so long and hard at them, but usually by the time they're perfect I no longer believe in them. They are aimed at restoring balance and harmony in my "current realm" because humans are so destructive sending out their negative energy left right and centre, without realizing it. And its this negativity that is throwing me off kilter. Its never about doing something physical, its more nature/energy based...

These are also the times I start researching Nephilim ("when the sons of God came in to the daughters
of men, and they bore children to
them") obsessivley, trying to make sense of my existance...

Idk how I feel.... more than human I guess, special, powerful.

Its hard to describe really; I feel like the above is true, but a part of me (logically) knows it can't be, but I go along with it anyway, infact, it doesn't ever occur to me, to not get caught up in it or to ignore it. It just sort of snowballs, 1 day I'm a mythical creature, talking like I was born centuries ago (yes I even chat in "old speak") the next I'm looking for explanations as to why I'm stuck here, (in this realm) like this, and research topics like Nephilim or Valkyrie till I pass out.

Thanks for the input so far guys. I'm not worried per sé, more curious as to if this is typical for my dx, although if I'm just too ignorant to be worried, someone point that out! lol.

On a side note, I'm not experiencing any symptoms at this moment, I'm stressed yes (ex SIL basically ignores my mom when she's told anything, including its time to leave now) and being jobless soon, the faecal matter may very well hit the ceiling oscillator one of these days, but for now I'm not swinging either way. The recent posts just had me thinking about recent bp experiences...

Thanks again for the input thusfar

I'm no psychiatrist, but if I were I'd have to reclassify you as Bipolar NOS/NEC. You're kind of all over the map and you're experiencing things that don't really happen in Bipolar II. FWIW, I'm in the same boat as I'm just now coming out of a nasty dysphoric mania (and my pdoc called it mania, not hypomania) that's probably going to change my dx to BP I. But slapping a label on something like you've described doesn't do anything to fix it; all it does is make sure the doctor or PNP gets paid.

I definitely think you need to be reassessed, though. BP does progress if not treated, or treated improperly, and this may be what's happening. As I think my own example goes to show, diagnosis is a fluid, not a static thing, although I don't believe one gets to go back to being BP II once the criteria for full-blown mania are reached and cross over into BP I territory. Hope this helps you.

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Yes, it can change BipolaRNurse, (maybe not often).I've been diagnosed as Bipolar I, Cyclothymic, Bipolar II, and "You don't need to see a psychiatrist". But it was over a period of years. I think medication had a lot to do with bringing it down, but most of all, it was a reduction of a major stress that sorta' solidified it at Bipolar II.

I agree that a re-evaluation might be helpful for Trippin. She's so intelligent that she can just get the information and thank the doctor and walk out if she chooses because she's really in control of her life.

Lol Being a control freak has definitly helped immensely gen, its honestly saved my life quite a few times I don't get why the term has such a negative connotation

BPN Bp NOS does make more sense yes, thanks

Me neither! There've been many times in my life when if I hadn't been in control of the situation, things would've gone to shyte in no time.

Okay... you probably know what I am going to say... and that's not gonna be "run to a pdoc like mallrats run for sales on Black Friday".

No.

I always stress a spiritual aspect of this quirk. I no longer count "catching random messages from universe", prophetic like dreams, feeling ghosts and such as symptoms. I feel like an old soul, in fact I know I was here many times before. As much as it's hard... I don't think that bothering some shrink with all chakras closed and small aura would help, heh. So it's up to you whom are you gonna ask for answers. Science and pseudoscience don't have answers for matters of soul though, I think.

Maybe it's spiritual... or it would be at least worth it to explore it on that basis. Every culture had shamans and spiritual beings. So there has to be something of it (still even as somebody who sees more than others... you need to take care of body needs. Please sleep and eat). On my projects I Learned of existence of "goddesses" who live in the mountains over there... and everybody takes them seriously. Yes, it may not be popular, but shamans and stuff exists.

Explore carefully. Or try to track where it comes from. If your mind is trying to compensate for something (feeling of powerlessness in life? Or spiritual exploits of younger days... I don't know, just suggesting).

I don't think you are "getting worse when untreated". If anything... you seem to be neurotic somewhat and freaking out from time to time, which is understandable... but you have that sparkle that I didn't see when i first started posting here.

Thank you Venus I like sparkle, and I agree that I have aquired some.

People have brought up this shaman idea before mainly because dead people have spoken to me, one (stranger) made me write his daughter a letter at the time of his death, but I have no idea how to go about exploring this idea...

I will try to remember when it happens next to pin down where its coming from, maybe its as simple as my control freak nature trying to gain more power...

you have to be careful when messing with this stuff. From my experiences I do strongly believe there IS something... but it doesn't like to be taken lightly. I guess my messing up with the spirits somewhat contributed to my problems (but so did when I absolutelly tried to block and ignore it... so what can one really do?).

Paying attention to dreams and thoughts that come when totally relaxed can't hurt. And worry not, you will meet the right people to help you on the way. Don't overly seek them... the genuine ones usually don't have flashy internet websites anyways. It just comes up, I think

My dx recently changed from bp2 to bp1, but like my doctor said, it's only something they put on paper. she said the dx doesn't matter that much, it's just a guide for treatment. i agree that maybe you have bipolar NOS but also that as long as you're figuring out your own treatment (I know you're med free by choice), what does it matter what the label is?

Can't speak to the magical aspects, some people do not believe that is a disorder. used to have a friend who believed much of the stuff you do and she was not necessarily psychotic.

So there are some comments here as to whether this is psychosis or not....I think it is but just mild. The spells witchcraft etc probably isn't psychotic as lots of people believe in that. What worries me is believing you are a Fay. Unless this is normal in your culture then it probably is psychotic. I should say that one of the major limiters for psychiatric diagnosis is impairment. If you're still going to work and hanging out with friends then I agree that this is sparkle. If you're obsessively sitting in your bedroom working spells and forgetting to eat then it might be impairment. Just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't progress to impairment.

I can't shed light on your Dx except it sounds like BP 1 to me, although that's a guess. And like others have said what label you "have" isn't as important as effective treatment, although pinning down an accurate one might aid in that.

My whole life I've felt mostly either "less than" or "better than". More on the less than side.
No middle ground for me. It's the way I have lived too, which can get chaotic.

Real or not I have always love fairies, and most things magical.
And I'm not young.

I hope you're doing ok. Oh! One more thing - out of unplanned and stressful things, often much good has come from it - more than I could have created.

Not much wisdom imparted there but I hope you're doing good.

Dx itself doesn't matter, its not like I even want to get back in the "system" anyway. Like I said I was just curious if others who shared the dx had similar experiences... It is definitly not in my culture to believe I'm Fay, I'm more likely to be burned at the stake by my family if they had any idea I entertained thoughts of ethereal creatures and witchcraft. Lol ok, so they're not that drastic, but you get the picture

Nope I'm definitly not impaired by this particular nuance, sure I tend to obsess a bit, and I fluctuate between perpetual hunger and forgetting to eat, but that's normal bp stuff for me, this magical stuff is just a new twist and possibly thee best part of being bipolar, even if I have to admit its a tad bit strange...

Definitly not worried about my mental state though, more curious than anything else...

Stress hmmmm lots of that ahead tomorrow, first day back at work after a week of not caring and alternating between reading and sleeping. *sigh Atleast I'm nearly done there. So hopefully good things ahead

If I believed I was Fay today, work would be so much easier to contend with, I'd laugh at the silly mortals trying to bring me down, and go about my day as if I were the bees knees! Instead time is standing still and I wanna scream obscenities to the the manager's face and give her the middle finger as I exit... *sigh

So even though I have no magical powers, I survived today unscathed, who knows, maybe I can stick it out the last 4 weeks Lord give me strength

Maybe these thoughts/beliefs are nothing but childish fantasy twisted by bipolar, maybe it took root because I never belonged anywhere (bpd lack of identity, huge family with large age gaps between my siblings and I not withstanding)... Idk, just thinking out loud

We differ in so many ways Lia - but my experience with bp2 is so much like you say. But you do have the hallmark of bp - the need for less sleep. I do it sometimes during hypos but I'm wrecked after a couple days of it.

Another difference is that I grew up in the woods... my parents enjoyed my stories of my elf and faery friends. They encouraged me to find my own spirituality. I was doing goddess groups by age 16. Also with where I live, it's quite the norm to believe in magic, co-creation, energies to call on for help.

I know from looking at your pic, you have magic in you, you are not average. Nothing wrong with average - they often seem happier maybe because they are easier in a human body.

But being magic or fay or what you want to call it, doesn't mean youre not also human. it's still not easy being human and magic doesn't mean we're going to get what we want everytime.

Many different types or levels of spirits, I stay away from them in general, preferring to call on light of christ or goddess. Some of the recently deceased spirits you may see can be draining and needy, and I'm not trained to deal with that.

To me it's not psychotic. When I'm in a rage I start to feel psychotic, that scares me.

You're too sweet

Yes, rage feels psychotic, scary, completely unreasonable. I don't like it one bit and have done my best to avoid it for quite a long time now...

My beliefs that I am something more, the fact that spirits move around and speak, and that there is a netherworld I'm much "too" connected to at times, that isn't scary, its rather beautiful. The dead are very quiet now though I think its because I scolded them for making me look weird with all these personal messages they wanted delivered to their loved ones. I don't think they liked that...

Listen to me rambling about dead folk *sigh