[Otter63]

I'm bipolar and I don't know if what I'm going to share has anything to do with that or not.

I find if I'm hanging out with a group of women, and someone mentions how they can't say no to people, the other women all chime in with understanding. They talk about how they give and give till they are depleted.

This is not the case with me, and I feel really bad about it. Am I awful and selfish? When my kids were home I feel I was a good Mom, and I take care of my husband now as far as making meals and cleaning house. My house could be cleaner and the meals more creative. I have no excuse because I don't work.

When my kids were growing up and people would ask if I could volunteer for things I almost always said no. To be fair to myself, my husband was using Meth back then.

I help my mom quite a bit when she needs help with her computer, but she always pays me. I help at the church occasionally, and give a woman rides to appts. sometimes, but I spend most of my time watching TV and playing on the computer.

When I do volunteer at something I usually feel awkward and stupid. Help!

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't think that's anything to do with bipolar and everything to do with how you were raised plus your natural internal workings. I tend to do this because I was raised that way but I alos think I am naturally a giver. Also because I was raised thinking if you do for others they will do for you. I have learned that is false, of course, there are plenty of people who are takers. There are also those who are balanced.

I don't think you are terrible or aweful or bad. It's good to be able to say no and know your limit more than to to give too much and then feel like you have nothing left and no one gives back. I think this is more a problem of society in raising women in particular to believe they have to give everything and get nothing back. It's not healthy and I am working hard on not being that way, because it makes me resentful.

[yellowfrog268]

Otter,

I don't think you should feel bad. Many people give and do what they can for others but we all have our limits. Not everyone can be so self sacrificing as the group of women you are hanging out with. I wonder how much of what's being said by these women is actually true and how much is BS.

I'm the same way as you. I take care of my own kid and husband and those close to me but I'll be damned if I'll be at someone's beck and call unless they have one hell of a good excuse. I just don't have it in me.

Do what you can or what you feel comfortable with and don't worry about comparing yourself to others. It seems like when we engage in comparing ourselves to others it never ends well.

[bluemountains]

Don't feel bad about it, Otter63. I have a real tough time with commitments, so I try to avoid these. I do a couple of things at church, but other than that, I generally avoid volunteering. I work as a teacher, so I feel I contradict myself. I am always asking for volunteers; however, I never volunteer for events at my own children's schools. I find that as I get older, getting out there in the world gets tougher. I even find that making dates with friends is very difficult for me.
Bluemountains

[Otter63]

Thank you faerie for your reply.
While my dad was very involved in many community activities from chamber of commerce to PTA etc., I don't remember my parents ever encouraging us to do the same, and my mom never really liked my dad doing those things.

My dad taught me to have good boundaries, which I do think is good. I don't think it's good to not be able to say no.

[Otter63]

Thanks Yellow Frog,
I'm glad to know I'm not alone, and you're very right about comparing myself to others. I'm always forgetting to not do that.

[Otter63]

Thank you bluemountains

[BipolaRNurse]

I was the same way when my kids were growing up, even before I went to nursing school and then started working. Just was never much of a 'joiner' except during periods of what I now recognize as elevated moods, and that's when I'd take on too much and then be unable to fulfill the obligations I'd signed on for. Talk about feeling guilty!

Truly, it is healthy NOT to be one of those women who "do it all". Yes, they have more to brag about, but in 20 years they'll be totally used up and you'll still have some energy left to do what you want.

I know. I've seen it happen to many of my friends since all our kids have been grown and gone. That empty-nest syndrome really gets 'em....it's like their entire lives revolved around children and home, and now that this part of their lives is over, they don't know what to do with themselves. Some have managed to find new interests, but others are just wandering around aimlessly, not having the foggiest idea of what to do now that their PTA, room-mother, community-organizer, wedding-planner days are over.

[Otter63]

Thank you bipolarnurse, that was helpful. I think like faerie said, it leads to resentment.

I know what you mean about getting involved with things when I am "up"! And some people, I believe, have that kind of energy naturally and consistently Just not fair. I run on the depressed side generally.

I do blame some of my social awkwardness on my bipolar. Between having lived all these years with a husband with addiction issues and my own insanity, it just isn't always easy to relate to many people.

Most people I know haven't spent time strapped in 5 point restraints or seen there husband throw a 2x4 through their living room window. Thankfully both of those events were many years ago.

I think I wandered.