Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression


You guys may or may not remember that I have been recently diagnosed bipolar II. Well I have been so depressed for about 2 weeks but the last 2 weeks keep getting darker and darker. I talked to my therapist yesterday and it's getting so bad that I'm afraid I might lose my ability to stay safe. I am constantly tearful and fighting either suicidal or self harm urges. No cognitive tricks are working. There seems to be no room for rational thought or logic. I fell asleep crying last night, had a horrible nightmare and woke up sobbing, never did get back to sleep. Cried on my way to work. Cried AT work. Cried on the way home from work. Crying now. Funny thing is, I'm rarely a crier.

I did call my PMHNP and she said it's time to start a mood stabilizer. I really begged for just an antidepressent but she was very adamant about either lamictal, high does seroquel, or lithium. And then, shocking I know, I cried on the phone at all this information because I'm still in denial about this diagnosis, and why can't I just take an antidepressant like a "normal" person?

I know my thoughts are irrational but I feel like I've been diagnosed with a chronic illness that actually could potentially kill me. I'm so scared!!! My therapist says it's not my fault; years of fear and anxiety have switched my brain chemicals around and that is what's going on. If only I could have responded differently to things that happened years ago, maybe I could have stopped this before it ever started.

I just want to crawl in a hole. I won't let myself write a suicide note. I'm safe at home. I won't take my pills. I have my dog keeping me safe and my husband (mostly) aware. I have a puzzle to work on a quilt to do. I can take a nap. But mostly, I just want this to all be over.

[gayleggg]

Sorry you are having such a rough time. Have you started your mood stablizer yet? If not, it would be a good idea to start them soon so they have a chance to level you mood out. Know it's hard to accept your diagnosis but it is treatable. I was diagnosed years ago and went through denial, too. Right now I'm going through a rough patch too, since having to go off my meds due to conflict with meds I'm taking for my blood clot, so I'm having a lot of crying spells myself. Hang onto you dog and make hubby aware. Hope you see your doctor soon and get some relief.
Gayle

[middlepath]

I know the feeling. I am in the process of coming to terms with things myself. I finally broke down and am taking lithium. It has really taken the edge off. I have heard that Lamictal does great things for the depressive side...if you have BP2 and are super depressed, that may be a great starting place? For me, making the decision to start the meds was the hardest part...frankly the meds and acceptance have made life a whole crap-ton easier to deal with, but getting to that decision was gut-wrenching to say the least. I hope you are on the road to peace soon. ((HUGS))

I am now on lamictal. I took the first pill almost immediately before I chickened out. Now part of me feels safer already...like I'm on the right path again. Hurray, placebo effect. I'm sure the pill hasn't even hit my actual stomach yet...

I have been in touch with my therapist and am feeling more like it's the right thing to do right now. I am not sure how much longer I could last being that chronically suicidal. I also need a nap. Exhausted from all the crying in the past 24 hours.

Thanks for your support, folks.

[middlepath]

glad to hear some relief is on the horizon. placebo effect or whatever...if it works, just roll with it, right?

Tears be gone....

[A Red Panda]

Pumpkin - I just got a diagnosis of bp2 too. I knew that was what it would be though... but still didn't like hearing that the psychiatrist agreed with me.

Anyway. I started on sertraline as an anti-depressant because I did NOT disclose everything to my GP when I went to her for the depression. It was a HORRIBLE IDEA. I hadn't known until a day or so after starting the AD that it could send me right into a hypomanic state - which it did, within a few days of starting it. That was the start of May and it's the end of June and I'm only JUST somewhat getting out of it - my sleep habits in particular are still pretty effed up.

I've just started lamictal myself.

[kaliope]

its pretty hard to accept a bipolar diagnosis. it took me years to do so. and even longer to finally get on meds. now, even though I resent the meds every time I take them, life has changed so significantly for the better on meds, I wish that I started them thirty years ago. Oh how different life would have been.

But has Cheshire states, bipolars have to be careful with antidepressants because they will trigger manias. My pdoc put me on Zoloft for my anxiety and I was hallucinating, not sleeping, spending...it was my worst mania ever. yet I can take wellbutrin. you have to be patient and play around with meds. it took me over two years to find the right meds because I am so sensitive, but once we found the right ones, they changed my life.

hang in there.

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

Anyway. I started on sertraline as an anti-depressant because I did NOT disclose everything to my GP when I went to her for the depression. It was a HORRIBLE IDEA. I hadn't known until a day or so after starting the AD that it could send me right into a hypomanic state - which it did, within a few days of starting it. That was the start of May and it's the end of June and I'm only JUST somewhat getting out of it - my sleep habits in particular are still pretty effed up.

I've just started lamictal myself.

Cheshire, let me know how the lamictal goes? How long does it take to start working? I am on a taper up...25mg x1 week then up from there, won't get to a full dose for a month.

Wellbutrin had the same effect on me as setraline on you but at the time I didn't realize it, I just thought I had a sudden, ridiculous amount of energy, required almost no sleep, and was basically bouncing off the walls. Everyone around me found it to be hilarious. I knew nothing about this kind of reaction in bipolar; I really just wanted to try another antidepressant but she refused and probably a good idea. I just want the lamictal to work. Did NOT like the idea of high dose seroquel. Did NOT like the idea of managing lithium with lab work.

Originally Posted by kaliope

its pretty hard to accept a bipolar diagnosis. it took me years to do so. and even longer to finally get on meds. now, even though I resent the meds every time I take them, life has changed so significantly for the better on meds, I wish that I started them thirty years ago. Oh how different life would have been.

Kaliope, I hope I feel the same way you do about your meds in the near future! Would love to see my life "turn around" as it were. Really there's nothing wrong with my life, I hold it all together pretty nicely to the average person. It's the inside stuff that gets me down. And up. And down... I had a glimmer of "thank god, I think I just saved my own life today when I started this stuff..." this afternoon. It lasted about 30 seconds then I was back to "what the eff is wrong with you? Has therapy taught you NOTHING?"

It's a journey, I guess...

[A Red Panda]

Pumpkin - that sounds a lot like me! My GP actually wanted to put me on seroquel when she agreed to take me off the sertraline - I said NO because 1) I had made it clear I didn't want things with a lot of weight-gain and 2) I have a family history of diabetes.

The psychiatrist suggested lamictal, which was good because it seems to be the only mood stabilizer that I am even willing to try - I'd rather go sans-meds.

My pdoc wanted me to start at 25mg for a week and then go to 50mg, but I said that I wanted to take a VERY slow work up... so he agreed to 25mg for 2 weeks and then the 50mg.

I've opted to make it even slower... and have cut them in half so that I'm taking 12.5 for 6 days... then will do the 25mg for a week... and then 37.5 for 6 days and then the 50mg. So far I have no nothing, but I'm only on day 4.

[Victoria'smom]

Please try not to blame yourself. I know it's easy to especially when you depressed.. Each time I've been solely on an antidepressant it did not end well. I'm glad you are willing to try it.

[wildflowerchild25]

i'm glad you're feeling just a little bit better. i'm struggling with my dx too, especially since i was able to go for six years med-free. i was on lamictal years ago but it didn't work for me. it might help even out the depression so it's not as crushing.

right now i have abilify acting has my mood stabilizer. it's sort of working although i'm struggling to come out of a horrible melancholic depression. i unfortunately believe i am heading to hypomania instead but not a fun one, just restless bored and irritable.

i do hope the lamictal helps you feel safe! Remember if you feel that unsafe then please go to the hospital where they can adjust your meds in a safe environment.

[ultramar]

I'm very sorry you're going through such a terrible time. But before you let this diagnosis affect you so much (I know there are other things going on as well) I would really suggest you get evaluated by a psychiatrist; of course she's a psych NP, but especially since there's some disagreement between her assessment and your therapist's, I think an assessment by a good psychiatrist would be a good idea at this point.

I hope you feel better soon!

[BipolaRNurse]

I hear what you're saying about struggling with your diagnosis. Even though I'd suspected bipolar for a full decade before I actually did something about it, I was devastated when my pdoc agreed with my self-assessment. It's one thing to think you may have bipolar disorder, and another thing entirely to hear an impartial observer say the words, or see them typed on a piece of paper with your name on it.

Meds were also a sticking point for me, especially when I had to start on an antipsychotic. I kept getting hung up on the classification and was afraid it would get me labeled as crazy. (Well, duh, that ship had already sailed, but I was in denial big time, LOL!) But that was the drug that totally changed my life, and now I'm grateful for all my meds.....they work together to make my brain function correctly, and nowadays I feel as normal as it's possible for me to be.