[PBCMom]

So how do you do it? What things do you do to help yourself hang in there?

I've been off my meds for several months and have ended up in a mixed episode. I've met with my pdoc and I've restarted my meds.

For several days I was also simultaneously drinking a lot as a coping mechanism but know that's not really a great idea in general, but especially when I'm not stable. So I haven't had anything to drink in the last day. Also, I really only felt the freedom to drink like that because my daughter is out of town...she comes back home tomorrow so drinking isn't really an option for me anyway.

But as I wait for these meds to start kicking in and doing their job I feel so alone and hopeless and scared. I think some of the more "mixed" aspects may be slowing down but so far I'm just landing more in the depression range which has been a problem in the past that we have to be extra mindful of. I know I haven't been on my meds long enough for everything to even out. But how long is long enough? My pdoc told me to give things a couple of weeks and then we'll reassess. The way I currently feel, two weeks seems like an eternity.

So what do you do? How do I hang in there until the meds have a reasonable amount of time to do their thing without just feeling like giving up because it's all just so painful and overwhelming?

It may take time to let the meds kick in. I use breathing exercises and grounding techniques. It's hard to do though when u are feeling anxious. Do u have a therapist?

I hope u feel better soon.

[PBCMom]

I don't have a therapist. Over the past several years I've tried numerous times to find a new therapist but haven't had any luck finding someone who is a good fit for me. There is a therapist that was recommended to me but of course I never made any effort to make an appt with them until I was already in crisis mode. At this point I've made an appointment with him but it is still several weeks away (he happens to be out of the country at the moment).

Like I said...feeling very alone.

[oncewasara]

I can understand that feeling! Its such a hard place to be in. You want/need relief now but its not an option. The meds take time to work. I just take one second at a time, grab an outfit, take a shower, and make yourself go somewhere! Like to a friend or relatives house, maybe a close friend. I did that yesterday for myself, and it felt good. I needed to vent and get a change in scenery! Today is a new day and I find myself panic stricken in what to do. A shower feels like so much effort. But I will start with that! Hope this helps

[PBCMom]

Took the shower and now I just need to get dressed and presentable to leave the house. Even the little things feel overwhelming today.

I have to go out in a short while...my daughter has a mini fashion show this morning to show off some of the things she and some friends have made this week at a sewing camp. As much as I want to be there for her and see the things she's made, the idea of going out and being around people just feels like too much. I'm fighting the urge to just curl up in a ball and avoid the world. But I would never intentionally disappoint her so I've got to get myself pulled together and be there for her.

Feeling so overwhelmed by things that should be little, simple tasks.

[A Red Panda]

By the end of the day you can feel super proud and accomplished by getting through all the hurdles of the day!

[PBCMom]

You would think so. I think I tend to focus more on the fact that these are basic, simple things I'm doing and I feel stupid that something so small can overwhelm me or that I would even consider feeling accomplished for doing it.

It's a shower, getting dressed and driving 10 minutes down the road to sit in the audience and watch her presentation. How pathetic am I that something so basic feels like an accomplishment? But it does.

[oncewasara]

You took a shower! Hey! Great for many of us that's a huge step on bad days. And you will be there for your daughter! That's all that matters to her is that her Mom is there. Kudos to you! Think of this in a positive light even though you may feel so empty right now You're doing what you can, the best for you. Baby steps, it will get you through your day

I think it's partly the depressive states that linger after alcohol ingestion. If you're
bipolar, as I am, my psychiatrist has recommended never using alcohol again, because
it can make the illness worse for those of us sensitive to it. So can caffeine, so I'd
recommend that you stop both.

I take a product (prescribed) called Deplin which is a food med that I wouldn't be
without. 70% of depressed people can't metabolize vitamin B9 (folate) because
they are lacking the stomach enzymes to do that. Deplin supplies a concentrated
form of folate which can cross the blood-brain barrier and is very helpful for
building serotonin neurotransmitters (the ones that give the calm, happy feeling).

Years ago I read that bipolar patients have a severe allergy to grain, so I gave it
up months ago. Yesterday, I had one roll and today I feel AWFUL. That's how
sensitive I am to grains. You might try cutting back at least on all grains to
see how you feel. (It takes a couple of weeks to begin to feel less stressed.)

Finally, I use the "lemon thing" I talk about a lot here. Squeeze 2 fresh lemons into
about 5 oz of water and drink it; if you aren't better in 4 hours, repeat it. It
tastes very bitter because it is a citric acid, but in digestion it becomes one
of the most alkaline ashes (residues) we can ingest, and it is very, very calming
for the nerves. Give it at least two days before you conclude that it isn't
working. It does work for some of us (helpful also for sleep at night).

Those are the most effective things I've found that help me with bipolar illness.
One day you may be able to take a low dosage of medications if you learn how
to control your diet for better feeling tone.

Take care and I hope the depressive effects of alcohol just fly away today.

[PBCMom]

The depressive symptoms were there before the several days of drinking...part of that whole mixed episode that caused me to go back on meds. And my typical progression when going on meds is for the lithium to eventually even things out but often will result in leveling my moods out too low...so my mood will be more stable but stable and depressed. It's not unusual for me to have to add an AD into the routine, but until the mixed episode has completely subsided it isn't really safe to consider adding anything else in.

Thank you to everyone for the kind and supportive words. I apologize for being so negative and difficult. Waiting things out and feeling my mood slip lower and lower is a scary, frustrating thing. I hate feeling like this and I think I always have what is probably a somewhat irrational fear of what if I can't get out of the depression this time. And even if I try to have faith that it will improve, sometimes it can feel so unbearable and feel impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[PBCMom]

I managed to go to my daughter's mini-fashion show yesterday. She was so excited and I was proud of all that she had accomplished in the past week. I even managed to go with her today so she could try horseback riding for the first time. I was definitely on the go more than I feel comfortable with right now. I was definitely around more people than I'm comfortable with right now. But I did it and she was a happy kid.

After a couple of days off of work, I have to sign on to work in about 40 minutes. I can feel the dread and panic setting in big time. It's not the job specifically. I don't mind my job. I actually feel rather lucky to have the job I do, that allows me to work from home. I think I've just overdone it the past couple of days and the feelings of being overwhelmed and panicky are setting it. The idea of spending the next four hours dealing with customers and constantly talking on the phone feel like too much.

I hate that I get overwhelmed so easily.

[Victoria'smom]

it's wonderful you got through doing so much. Hopefully work isn't as overwhelming as you think. Try to do some breathing exercises when between callls and on break.

[PBCMom]

I got through work but had just a horrible time sleeping. I was wired and took a long time to settle down enough to get some sleep. I did manage to get about four hours sleep.

I'm wide awake but have been laying here in bed for a couple hours unable to make myself get up and going. I feel like I'm going to cry, I'm right there on the edge of tears but they just aren't happening. I hate when that happens...to feel like I need to cry but can't, makes things feel more jumbled up and frustrated than if I could just cry it out and then try to move on.

Beyond that I just feel afraid of getting out of bed. Feels like something bad or scary is waiting to happen and I can try to avoid it if I just stay in bed. I feel like I'm losing some of my clarity...I can't work out if all the jumbled thoughts and feelings in my head are just depression or if there is some amount of paranoia going on or something else. I can't work out for myself if I'm just dealing with depression at this point or if there are still some lingering symptoms from the mixed episode.

I'm having trouble trying to explain what I'm thinking and feeling. It's just not coming out right. When I can't explain things it makes me feel stupid.

I just feel this raging, bubbling inner turmoil that makes me too scared to do anything...terrified of acting impulsively and it's safer to stay in bed.

[PBCMom]

Stupid thoughts, bad thoughts swirling around and filling my head. I can't turn them off. Scared.

I've only been back on lithium for a week. I know I have to be patient. But I can't handle feeling the way I feel today. It's too intense and painful. This is too hard. I need a way to safely ride out these thoughts and feelings until things start to improve.

How do I know if the lithium still needs more time to improve symptoms or if this is as much as the lithium can do for me right now and I need something else with it? Actually, trying to figure that out is too much for me to wrap my brain around right now.

Just know my thoughts aren't good. Can't shut them off. Scared. Don't know how to deal with this. It all feels too big.

The depressive state was what caused you to try alcohol for relieving that feeling
tone. It added to the symptoms of your depression. Alcohol is known to make depression
worse, PBC Mom.

Your doctor might wish to change your medications if you'll tell him about using alcohol
to self-medicate. You may need a change of medication to something like Lamictal,
which is noted for stabilizing mood swings--especially the depressive state in bipolar,
type II illness.

Really hope you've got it all under control soon.

Take care.

[PBCMom]

Lamictal does not work for me. I used it when I was pregnant because I couldn't take lithium while pregnant and lamictal was better than nothing...but it doesn't really do the job for me.

Abilify is supposed to be effective, too, but expensive...Whew!

[PBCMom]

I appreciate the effort, but I'm not really looking for medication suggestions. If I think I need a different medication (either in addition to or instead of), I trust my psychiatrist implicitly not leave out any possible option or suggestion. Over the years, I have tried more medications than I can even begin to list. I (and my psychiatrist) have a fairly good idea of what works for me, what doesn't work and what medications have side effects that I just can't tolerate. While the medications I use are not perfect, don't manage my illness completely (thus at least one of the reasons I probably go off of them so routinely...I feel like if they're not working why bother...but I forget they are helping significantly just not as much as I would like) the medications I take really are the best options available for me.

For mood stabilization, I've tried everything available for mood stabilization and they haven't been a good choice for one reason or another. Lithobid works best for me. I've taken different variations of lithium, and I've used generics but it seems that my levels don't stay consistent when I use them. So Lithobid is my go to drug.

I've tried every AD you can imagine. For a long time I could get a reasonable amount of success with Effexor XR, but over time it helped less and less and it is a real b**tch of a medicine to come off of...and since I'm bipolar and it isn't realistic to stay on an AD 100% of the time, coupled with it becoming less effective for me, we don't use that anymore. Currently, if I need an AD added into my meds, we use Nardil. It's older, it's an MAOI and that means a real commitment with regard to diet, it's not a perfect solution but helps more than any of the other long list of ADs I've tried over the years.

I absolutely avoid any AP if at all possible. I find even the smallest of doses sedating and it is nearly impossible for me to function. Again, I've tried every available option. When things really get desperate and there is no option but to go on an AP (because I'd rather be sedated out of my mind than deal with psychotic symptoms...that's just the ultimate in scary), I will only agree to it on a short-term basis and we use an extremely small dose of Risperdal.

I also wanted to mention, in regards to something you mentioned earlier in the thread...Earlier in the year, I actually went on a paleo diet for several months and while there are many great things about it, I can honestly say that I did not see any difference in my mood when eating paleo.

Paleo diet sounds good for a bipolar patient. Sorry it didn't work for you.

Good luck.

[beachbumgirl]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

By the end of the day you can feel super proud and accomplished by getting through all the hurdles of the day!

I agree with CheshireCatGrin - sometimes just being able to mark your accomplishments, no matter how small, can help you feel a little bit better about your day! Be proud of yourself for wanting to try, and don't beat yourself up about how hard it is or anything else. It IS hard, but you CAN do this.

I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time. If one day is too much to bear, than just make it through the hour, and work from there.

::Hugs::

[PBCMom]

I'm on day two of not being able to get out of bed. I'm scared to get out of bed.

I know it's been less than two weeks since I restarted my lithium but I don't know how much more of feeling like this I can take. I'm feeling less and less safe.

I left a message for my pdoc to call me back sometime today. I think I just need him to either tell me things are still on track and to give the lithium more time or to realize how scared and unsafe I feel and determine if I need to add something else to the lithium. At this point I think I'd even be willing to add an anti-psychotic and that's saying a lot for me.

Feel so alone and scared right now.