[thorindreamer]

Does anyone else get this?
I get so upset at my multiple diagnoses that I've got to the point of thinking, what if none of this is true? What if I'm just really bad at life, and everybody experiences these same things, and I'm just really bad at dealing with them?

I have a rough time distinguishing what is a symptom of what, and if one "diagnosis" is just a symptom of another condition, or if I even have any of these conditions at all. It makes me want to stop taking my meds just to see if anything would happen... does anyone else with BP or BP with other co-morbid conditions sympathise with this? BP is often the diagnosis I doubt the most, but maybe I just don't want to accept it... I really don't know :|

Sorry for the rather down-beat thread!

[bumble2u]

Yes , I have been told- over emotional, depressed , psychotic depression, post par-tum depression, pull your socks up, BPD, alcoholism, dissociative, bipolar, . Yes I think at least twice a day f u meds. I bet if i didn't have them I'd come out the other side shining like the sun, completely fine. Then I quit them and end up a snivelling mess usually in a hospital. I am so angry at being this way I find it really hard to accept. It especially cuts me up that my family have this in their lives. Most of all I contend with the thought that I am just lazy, that it's all a lie and I should grow some.

[kaliope]

im bipolar, ptsd, and panic disorder. I went for years thinking that if I only had better coping skills then I could manage without meds, but it didn't matter. no matter what I did, I couldn't control those damn rapid cycles that would plummet my mood into the dark abyss or send me sky high. I finally accepted that meds were the only thing that were going to stabilize me and I cant believe the difference they have made in my life.

[wildflowerchild25]

When I first got dx'ed back in 2006, and especially with the worse in of symptoms back in January, I was constantly doubting the dx. I thought the same as you: nothing was really wrong with me, I just wanted attention, I was just lazy (especially when crushed by depression), I didn't have any disorder and just needed to try harder. What changed it for me was the severe manic/mixed episode I had in August, brought on my taking an antidepressant with no mood stabilizer or AP to keep me in check. I did this because I was so tired of being depressed and I figured I'll either go into hypomania or nothing will happen because I'm not really BP. I didn't even think mania was an option because it had only happened to me twice unmedicated. And I certainly didn't think psychosis would come and say hi. But I'm glad it did in a way because that was not something I wanted to experience and it scared the hell out of me. It was something I could be sure I didn't wan attention from and know that I wasn't just lazy or not trying hard enough. It also led me to the medication that is working really well for me.

I hope you have a moment of clarity some day so that you can stop blaming yourself for the dx. You are definitely not alone.

[~Christina]

Yes all of what you said is a pretty typical reaction. My T has helped me alot sifting through all the layers of me to help me see what is just normal and what is not.

I think one thing people do is assume every mood or reaction is because of Bipolar or other add on diagnosis's ... I'm happy somedays just because I am not because I am hypo... also sometimes I am pissed off and its just a bad mood ...

I find Mindfulness is so so helpful in day to day life.

[thorindreamer]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know what you mean Christina, I think (for me) it's easy to distinguish between being down and being depressed... and I feel like I can make a distinction between being happy and being hypo- but that's what I find harder. I only had one particularly bad hypo episode so still wondering if it was just a blip or not... but then I get the same out of control feeling maybe twice a year (getting more frequent), and it seems quite obvious when I go back to normal the week afterwards but then I start to wonder if it really happened and the doubt comes in again- so confusing!

Sometimes when I'm in a depressive episode I get all these racy thoughts, can't sleep, really angry and really pressured to do things, sometimes like looking at myself from the outside which my psych thinks is mixed- but I find it really hard to recognise these moods, they've only become obvious since I've hit my 20's and the pressure of music college is exacerbating it all I think. gaaah, I just wish I could reconcile it all and figure out what to deal with, what the problem is (if there is any problem at all). OCD doubts don't help with this at all );

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Yes all of what you said is a pretty typical reaction. My T has helped me alot sifting through all the layers of me to help me see what is just normal and what is not.

I think one thing people do is assume every mood or reaction is because of Bipolar or other add on diagnosis's ... I'm happy somedays just because I am not because I am hypo... also sometimes I am pissed off and its just a bad mood ...

I find Mindfulness is so so helpful in day to day life.

What Christina said. I don't know how long you've been diagnosed, but for me it was a year-and-a-half before I finally started figuring out what was me and what was BP. Now I don't have to do the daily gut-checks ("okay, what mood am I in today?") or really even think about it much at all---the meds keep me pretty steady now, and even on days like today where I'm all over the map emotionally, I no longer assume it's the beginning of a new mood episode.

That takes time, as well as acceptance of the diagnosis. It all got easier for me when I stopped fighting the idea that I was bipolar and just said "OK, this is my reality now, I have to take these pills and learn to live with what IS and not what I want it to be." You'll get there. Just breeeeathe.......

I think this too. I have BP, OCD and GAD. I found journalling to be good for me. Then I can look back and see what was going on for me at and it helps me figure when or if I am being over emotional, where I have or could have used coping strategies, and what my overall mood is doing. It also helps me monitor if I am starting to get stressed so I can slow down a bit.

[Eaglescout787]

Originally Posted by kaliope

im bipolar, ptsd, and panic disorder. I went for years thinking that if I only had better coping skills then I could manage without meds, but it didn't matter. no matter what I did, I couldn't control those damn rapid cycles that would plummet my mood into the dark abyss or send me sky high. I finally accepted that meds were the only thing that were going to stabilize me and I cant believe the difference they have made in my life.

Rapid cycling how were you able to cope with it for so long? Been like like 7-8 years I been off meds telling myself I could control it but that's a forever losing battle. What made you realize you couldn't?

[Andysmom]

I can relate to that feeling of maybe I'm just lazy when I'm really in a depression. My T helps with that one. I rarely have hypo manic episodes which also makes me doubt my diagnosis and going off the meds seems appealing. But then I have a bad day and I am reminded!!

[thorindreamer]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

What Christina said. I don't know how long you've been diagnosed, but for me it was a year-and-a-half before I finally started figuring out what was me and what was BP [...]
That takes time, as well as acceptance of the diagnosis. It all got easier for me when I stopped fighting the idea that I was bipolar and just said "OK, this is my reality now, I have to take these pills and learn to live with what IS and not what I want it to be." You'll get there. Just breeeeathe.......

Thank you for that~ I've only been diagnosed for 3 months, so still trying very much to figure out what's what

Originally Posted by Andysmom

I rarely have hypo manic episodes which also makes me doubt my diagnosis and going off the meds seems appealing. But then I have a bad day and I am reminded!!

I can completely relate to that, Andysmom! ... and then the longer it's been since I've had an episode, the more I begin to doubt it even happened in the first place, and I think maybe I'm just a bad person and making it all up. Gaaah, not helped by my friend keep saying things like "you can't be bipolar, babe, you don't have 2 personalities"... she doesn't understand it's a mood thing- but things like that feed my OCD and make me doubt things *sigh*

[AnxietyGirl916]

I agree with a lot of what the others have said. Whenever I feel ok, I feel like I don't need the meds but I keep taking them because I went 15 year un diagnosed and I just can't handle the cycling.

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[venusss]

Well, as unmedicated bipolar who depends just on herbs and bach remedies... I know well these can't save me.

So I do push myself hard. And I do admit, yes, parts of life I am bad at. Awkward. Lazy (I know I am). We all have flaws. I am trying to use my strenghts to mask and outdo the weaknesses.

I feel there's lotta false dichotomies among suffers of mental quirks. I am bad person/it's all my illness.... is one of 'em. Having flaws and weaknesses, screwing up... makes you human.

Yeah, I have some issues. I try to deal with them best I can. And I have flaws at the same time. And I try do deal with them the best I can

[ultramar]

I feel there's lotta false dichotomies among suffers of mental quirks. I am bad person/it's all my illness

I think this is a really good point. The dichotomies you see with bipolar and other mental illnesses -that struggle between 'it's my fault, I'm bad' and 'it's the illness/diagnosis, I'm not bad.' I think both the first and even the second, at least in part, come from guilt and shame. Of one's behavior, of the stigma, our roles in our relationships with others...

I guess, as Venus (can I call you that?) says, acceptance of one's quirks (I like when you use that word), flaws, weaknesses, without blaming *either* ourselves, *or* our diagnoses can keep us moving forward. Accepting that we deserve compassion (from ourselves and others) and others, equally, deserve compassion, for their own struggles that may be different, but no less difficult, than our own, and for how our illnesses (quirks, flaws, weaknesses, 'screwing up') affects them.