[wildflowerchild25]

I need help. For months I have been experiencing extreme irritability basically nonstop. It's unrelated to moods as I don't feel I am in or have been in any particular mood episode. My med compliance has been shaky, I will admit. Stopped taking everything early December to about mid January when a mild depression hit...took trileptal again but only up to 900mg...missed doses every so often. Missed the last three days because I've been sick with a flu like virus and unable to stomach it. The week before last I experienced a moderate depression possibly linked to my menstrual cycle, but it only lasted five days. Besides that I thought I had been stable. Definitely hypo thoughts but no energy change, no restlessness, no racing thoughts, no lack of sleep. Just normal, really - confident, productive, etc.

But I am so irritable. With everything. My husband speaks and I don't care what he has to say, it pisses me off. I snap. I *****. I yell. It's horrible and disgraceful how I've been treating him.

I don't know what to do. I can't stop myself from being horrible. And it's only at home. When I'm out I get irritated but I can keep it together. Why can't i do the same at home?

What I did today was inexcusable and honestly makes me feel like I deserve to die, but that even death is too good for me. I considered leaving home, going to the city to hide out and be homeless because it seems to be the only punishment I deserve. My son will be SO much better without me and my husband would be happier too.

I won't mention what happened because there are eyes everywhere and you never know who could find it. But suffice it to say I am disgusted with myself. I don't know what to do. I've been saying for three years now that I will control myself better, not let my anger and frustration gt out of control, remain calm in the face of adversity and I ****ing fail every time. I'm disgusted and my son deserves so much better.

Seriously I know it sounds like I'm depressed but I swear I am not, at least I wasn't until I did what I did. I am just so sensitive. I don't know why today was worse than any other day except I guess I'm still recovering from the virus.

I just don't know. I have to do something. What do I do? How can I control this irritation? Especially since it's not mood related? What if it's just my personality....what if I'm just a horrible ***** underneath it all? I've always thought I was terrible. How can I stop this? If I didn't have my son I'd just leave my husband so he could have a better life and be miserable on my own but that's not an option. I don't want my son to think I don't love him.

I don't have a pdoc or a therapist right now. I never found one after my IOP ended in December. I don't really know where to go to find one, either. I have a hard time calling people. I can go back to the agency I was with before but I hate that pdoc. I thought she was dismissive of me during a crisis last summer and made me feel like she thought I just wanted attention. Seems like when my insurance changed I lost a lot of pdoc options.

Someone just tell me how to fix this before I lose my family forever.

[SickOfSadness]

I can't tell you how to fix it, but just know that you're not alone... I am also extremely irritable and crabby all the time & am mean to my bf when he doesn't deserve it & it makes me feel terrible. I feel like i cant control it & when i try to, it gets worse. I haven't figured out if its hypomania or just my personality, & I sure hope I'm not just a mean miserable bi**h.

I think getting a therapist and pdoc will help, if that's an option. Do you have insurance? If you do, look through their book of providers to find one. If you don't have one, request it. Or you can call your insurance company and ask for a list of them in your area...

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[wildflowerchild25]

It's so overwhelming. I've been on the site for an hour now and it seems amerihekTh doesn't like to update their directory because one agency doesn't exist yet and one person is retired and another just does addictions...it also seems that it's the same pdocs at multiple locations. Some are in the city so that's not an option either bc I'm not good in the city, I get too nervous and anyway I have too many students that live there and possibly receive care from those places.

I don't know. I don't want to go to therapy. I hate therapy. I think it makes me worse when I have someone there because I become all clingy. I start exaggerating moods. I test the limits. I try to get them to commit me to see if they will, to find it if they are trustworthy. It's disgusting, really, how childish I become. But it seems like most of the pdocs around here are parts of organizations that require you to be in therapy before they will do med management. So far three of them have stipulated as much.

I dunno. I know I have to go to sleep. So I guess I'll do that.

[wing]

Given all the info you gave above, I'd say you're in a mixed state. I always get most irritable during them. The difference for me, between manic irritability and mixed state irritability is that when I'm manic it is "innocent"-just because someone has dared to invade the personal universe I'm creating. In a mixed state, I go for the jugular and get satisfaction from shutting people up into shocked silence.

BTW, my anger issues are completely gone since abilify. The irritabily is far less pronounced, and manageable when it rears it's ugly head.

[wildflowerchild25]

I would agree wih mixed state except as I mentioned I have had no energy changes. In a mixed State I am extremely agitated and cannot sit still. Nor can I sleep. I've been sleeping fine. I don't know what's happening.

I am not okay today. I can't stop thinking about what I did and it makes me sick to think about it. I feel like I don't even deserve to eat but I'm eating anyway. Ugh. Today I'm definitely depressed but at least there's a reason, and anyway I deserve to suffer.

I decided to return to my previous agency. I can't handle looking for a new place and I can't go on like this. I could do something terrible. More terrible. I'm going for the walk in on Friday.

Wing, abilify is a) too expensive and b) doesn't help me. It just keeps me in a depression.

[~Christina]

Im am so so sorry your going through all this mess....

To me your sound like its mixed of even and ugly manic phase .. First and foremost try and stop beating yourself up . I know hard right?

I know your having trouble finding a pdoc dont give up .

Find a way to be kind to yourself your family wants and needs you

[wildflowerchild25]

I don't deserve kindness, not this time.

I'm telling you though, there are NO other signs of a mixed episode. No suicidal or SI thoughts (except today), no energy problems, no impulsive acts besides being unable to control my anger, no pressured speech, no crazy ideas, no racing thoughts, nothing that signifies an episode for me. That's why I'm so distraught. What if I'm just a nasty, hateful person inside? I can't remember a time where I thought I was good so...

I don't know. I wish it WAS a mood episode because at least then there would be a reason.

[~Christina]

Your not a nasty or mean person .. you give loving caring advice to so many here on PC .. You have been kind to me. I dont know what exactly is going on with you but your NOT a bad person.

[Victoria'smom]

I wish it WAS a mood episode because at least then there would be a reason. usually when I say it I get a bunch of quick smirks around the room for comfromation that I'm wrong and in an episode. You have never said or done anything here that would indicate you are s ***** IRL.

What if I'm just a nasty, hateful person inside? then the people around you would not be there. You wouldn't have to leave anyone because everyone would have left you a long time ago.
T
Therapy maybe a good option but tell them what you have experienced with attachment in regards to therapy first.

[hamster-bamster]

I know that this is not what you were hoping to hear, but give it a try - sign up to volunteer as a kittens socialuzer. Those are people who pet and play with rescues to make the rescued kittens more sociable and ultimately more adoptable. What would be in it for you is constant touch which will ground you and put a stop on constant irritability.

Another approach, from the opposite angle, is to play squash.

Another approach is to take black crayons (like kohl) and scribble scribble scribble on countless sheets of white paper. If you have that option, you can then burn the paper, symbolically letting your irritability go up in flames and ultimately vanish. Instead of scribbling, you can write curse words - it is up to you.

If volunteering regularly is too much of a commitment, and it certainly can be, go to a cat and kitten adoption fair at your local Petsmart and pet those kitties until you relax.

[wildflowerchild25]

MM - I guess you're right - something must be ok about me bc I do have a husband so I must have been nice at some point, even if I'm not anymore.

Hamster - thank you for the suggestions. I used to volunteer/foster kittens when I was a teenager and it helped a lot to keep me from going to the hospital because I would just think - what would happen to the cats? Anyway I couldn't foster right now but maybe I could just clean the cages on a Saturday or Sunday morning. That's only like an hour of time and gives me a commitment. I'll think about it.

Today I feel more agitated, more energized. It's possible my lethargy was due to the flu like virus I suffered from. Or I'm just making **** up again. You know? Like you all said mixed so now my mind is going to create a mixed state because I how awful I am and how needy I am.

I dunno. Woke up with music playing in my head which tends to indicate an episode. I dot know and I don't care. I could try my Seroquel for a little bit I just have to be willing to take on the sleepiness that accompanies it.

Thanks everyone for your help. This is why I come here!

[wildflowerchild25]

Today I'm feeling "some type of way" as my students would say. I do feel telltale mixed signs but milder than usual thanks to trileptal. Still uncomfortable. I was irritable yesterday but I hid it better. Didn't get physical. Yelled a little bc my son was refusing to listen but that's better than I was doing.

My grandfather is in the hospital, went in in Monday, and I'm definitely feeling something about that. It's really cemented that I absolutely have to get back to a therapist ASAP. My feelings toward him and the rest of my family are so complicated that I'm goig to need a third party to talk to if he doesn't get better. That and this uncomfortable mixed state are forcing me back into treatment.

Just hope the pdoc isn't too much of a b1tch this time. If I act all contrite and pretend to grovel...yet I'm really sick of pretending.

I'm just spitballing here because I'll freak out If I don't and I'm at work and ALL my students are here And I have no staff once again. So it's going to be a tough day. Thanks.