unforgiven

I am ashamed of my past; ashamed of my bipolar self and all the damage I caused. The four years I have been with my girlfriend is only the tip of the dagger. There are many people I have hurt. Many friendships destroyed. Bonds broken. Items, including precious mementos, destroyed. Opportunities squandered. My unwell self is responsible for so much pain and destruction, it is too overwhelming to think about now. How can I possibly make up for 20 years of carnage? I thought I might start with my girlfriend. She is the closest anyone has ever been with me. If anyone could be understanding and forgiving it would be her, right? Imagine my utter dread in realizing that even the my forgiving, compassionate and understanding girlfriend is unable to forgive nor offer compassion or understanding for me. That is not to say she should be blamed for that. No, the opposite is true. Anyone in her position would be vindictive and unforgiving after all she had went though. The emotion I feel when I think about how far I have pushed her to warrant such treatment… It is a very painful experience.

The things I say about my girlfriend now should not be taken as blame. When put into the context of the things she has had to endure for four years her reactions are to be expected. I only refer to them to explain the pain they cause and the hopelessness of my situation

I have made huge strides. I have only had a single bipolar episode this month and it lasted less than a day. However, that is not how my girlfriend sees it. Any small show of intense emotion, any increase in the volume of my voice, even small tiffs or disagreements are seen as “bipolar moments” and triggers such an explosive and powerful response from my girlfriend. Even reactions to her vindictive attitude towards me is seen as a “bipolar moment”. She uses these moments to bring up my past though she uses the excuse that “it has never stopped”. This is very painful to me. I know I have changed, however she does not treat me that way. She treats me the same as if I had not changed. She is sarcastic, hurtful and offers no understanding for what I am going through. And why should she? She was the victim for four years. She wants payback and she is entitled to it. She is always on the offensive, ready to attack at the slightest hint of any perceived symptoms. Her voice drips with contempt and resentment. It is the resolve and fury of a woman who is tired of being the victim and ready for some revenge.

However, she was not the only victim of my bipolar. It is overlooked that I am also a victim of my disease. Just as a cancer patient did not ask to have cancer or the symptoms that came with it, I never asked to have bipolar and I definitely did not ask to ride an insane out of control roller-coaster of emotions my entire life. I have to live with myself day to day (on bad days, hour by hour) as I am constantly reminded of all my out of control psychotic episodes and every crushing depression. I try to push the memories down, live in the present where I can control myself and be proud of how far I have come, but they always come back and the pain they cause makes me physically twitch, sick to my stomach and gives me headaches. I am terrorized by the knowledge of what I have done every day. Even my dreams are not safe. I have no god to pray to in order to free me from this torment, I can only seek forgiveness from those I have hurt. But when the person that you are closest to is unwilling or unable to forgive… The pain is 10x worse and my thoughts turn dark. I start to question my life and whether it is worth living anymore. If the sins of my past cannot be forgiven, is my only chance of redemption though death? Even if my thoughts do not go to such an extreme, I always come back to the realization that I will have no choice but to live my life alone. When I think about that I get needlessly angry at those that will not forgive me which makes things even worse as that show of emotion is seen as yet another bipolar moment, adding to the sins I already have against me.

In the last week these crushing thoughts have become much worse. I feel trapped between the terror of my past and the wrath of my girlfriend. All I want to do is escape from it. All of it. Dive into a game, work, movie, show, music; anything really just to stop myself from thinking about how impossible the situation is. This is not something I can just will myself to push though. There is absolutely no way to erase the past or make my girlfriend forgive. I am simply trapped in a no win scenario. The little hope that I had when I started my treatment is completely gone now. I am almost certain that my girlfriend and I will break up. It is only a matter of time till her quest for vengeance overtakes her love for me and that time is fast approaching. I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the approaching storm. There is no way I can get out of the path. I will finally succumb to my illness as the last light of hope, my relationship with my girlfriend, is finally ripped from my hands. I can only hope that it happens quickly and that my suffering will not be dragged out. But beyond all else, I want my girlfriend to be happy no matter what. I know she cannot be happy with me while holding on to such resentment. If leaving me frees her from the cycle of anger and reliving the pain then I embrace it. She has gone through a lot. If either of us deserves to walk out of this standing tall it is her

I think I finally understand why my father drank so much. If all you have are memories of regrets, why would you ever want to be sober enough to remember them all?

I'm sorry for you pain. It is a shame that your girlfriend can't see through the damage, but I also, understand where she is coming from. It is hard to forgive when pain has been so ingrained. I commend you on you walk to get better and one of the first things you will have to do is forgive yourself. That was the tough part for me, because I have been on both sides of this fence. And I find forgiving myself was the hardest part. Continue to get the help you need and rebuild your life with greater understanding. Good luck to you.

Ditto on everything Gayle said! Now that you know and better understand your condition, you will be better able to handle life's difficulties. It will take time for your girlfriend to see the changes in you, and when she does, forgiveness will follow.

I too have said some pretty terrible things during mixed hypomania (dysphoric). However, now that I am on my meds, and staying on them, over time, those close to me have seen the improvement in me and have forgiven me.

I am still working on forgiving myself for things i have done. I feel like i am in a much better place now than when i started to rebuild my life a year ago. I certainly still have challenges, but I am not as reckless with my actions or words, as i was previous to my pivitol moment. For that i am proud,and for that i walk one step closer to forgiving myself. baby steps : ). I was in true "end-it-all" despair a year ago. I am glad I am still here to give myself a chance at a new way to live. I hope you just keep putting one foot in front of the other...I hope comfort finds you soon. Till then, at least you know you are not alone.

Only one thing you said sounds right - that you and your GF should break up. No, you shouldn't give up on your current wellness treatment. You should keep on getting better. But I think if your GF cannout let go of the past and keeps throwing it in your face, she will not do your recovery anygood. You do not deserve blame or scorn for your past; you were unwell. If she didn't like it back then she could have broken up with you. And no she doesn't deserve payback, a healthy relationship has no revenge entitlements. You're meant to see and help each other through the good times and the bad. If she could not cope with the bad she should have got out before now. Now you should get out because she is jeopardising your future well-being and she sounds like a horrible nasty cow. Juat my opinion. If you have apologised and tried to make ammends for any damage you did, then that is good enough. And if you are trying to be a better person now, then that is good enough. And for her to blame all of your emotions and reactions on BP moments is just rubbish. You are allowed to feel emotions, normal feeling of emotions and feelings. Just because we are dx'd BP doesn't mean BP is all we think and feel. It does not define us. Good luck to you.

thanks for all the kind words. I think I have a big problem letting go of my past. I tend to remember my mistakes (all of them, not just those related to bipolar) and beat myself up over it. I try to focus only on the good, to push the bad memories out of my mind. I suppose that makes me overly sensitive when my mistakes are pointed out.

My GF... she isn't a bad person. She is a woman that has been pushed too far. She has stood by me and supported me throughout my untreated manic states and extreme depressions. When we found out that I had bipolar she started reading and learning all she could about managing symptoms, treatment and medications. In fact, the medication that I am on now (Lamictal & Seroquel) is a result of her research. I did not write this to bash her. I am disappointed that I have not been forgiven, however she does deserve understanding and time. She gave that to me, I think that is the least I can to for her to atone for what I have done.