So I wanted the hard crash...

the depression that I use to know. The one that I curl up into myself and just go away, for days, weeks, months only moving to use the bathroom. I'm sick of this ability to move through life but having all this weirdness go on and wanting to harm myself. So me being me I quit meds cold turkey. I was still going through withdraw so I took it today so I didn't spontaneously vomit in therapy plus I had/have a migraine. I don't know if it's the food or med withdraw that's really messing me up but T has told me I need to stop taking medication vacations and just decide one way or the other. My husband, psychiatrist and therapist said they'll stick by me whatever I choose but how do you choose and stick with it?

I'm sad to hear it but I understand. I think it's hard for you to be nice to yourself. Me too, better friend to others than to myself. The starting & quitting the meds sounds like torturing yourself since you're resisting the other forms. What would you tell me...something wise.

Thats a tough one. If you cant commit to taking meds and know that you will have more vacations from them, it is probably better not to be on them at all healthwise. Moodwise might be another issue. Do you remember how bad it gets unmedicated? Is there any way you could just get medications PRN, maybe a short acting AP or benzo for the times it gets really tough? I bet you've tried the vitamin/nutrition road already but if not it could be worth a try.

What would you tell me? It's worth the risks of withdraw to continue trying to take the medication as you can. If they'll support you either way then they can and should support you with this too.

Do you remember how bad it gets unmedicated? When I was depressed I'd almost always quickly reach a catatonic like state until I switch back to okay. Which is better then this. Mania leaves me to the point that it's only a matter of time until I get put on an involuntary hold or incarcerated.

Is there any way you could just get medications PRN, maybe a short acting AP or benzo for the times it gets really tough? I have a short term AP which I end up taking 1-6x every 2 wks. even with my other meds. I don't want a benzo. I was offered it and declined.

I've done the off and on thing for 10 years, and I reached the point that I have no choice but to be on meds, the voices are horrible, the anger is horrible and I truly worry I might hurt someone. I think at some point everyone hits their line. Hopefully you will find your line before you hurt yourself or someone else.

I'm in that place now. Med vacation has just started. If course my T and a friend have told me not to. I can't handle this mess in my head and inability to be happy. I am starting to get into catatonic depression as we speak. Easier to deal with as my head is quieter. I dunno where this will head. I've just had enough, yet again

I've gone on and off meds many times. i finally learned if i'm going to get anywhere near normal I'm going to have to take meds. Without them I'm doomed and can't handle the depression. Right now my meds aren't helping me much, but I believe there is a solution. Without that hope I wouldn't be here any longer.

L - I still think you're trying to almost self harm with the starting & quitting the meds
It's not like you're forgetting to take them right? If this is what's going on, how do we get you to want health enough to not SI? I don't want you to hurt yourself in any way, the world does that to us enough on its own. You are so kind & patient times you've talked me down from SI or Sui ... And I'm grateful because things are slowly getting better. You're beautiful and very motherly, it's ok to be angry sometimes - being a mom & wife are the hardest jobs in the world. Goddesses have wrathful sides, like Kali mother goddess, but she will chop heads rather than put it inward (don't chop heads - you don't want to get locked up). Idk how to fix SI, I think it's an expression of intense emotion & becomes habit for people. I think my kids have stopped doing it. I'd like to think my therapy, not judging them, compassion helped them stop. I still go crazy and scream at the dishes they didn't do, but I think they know it's me losing my temper rather than them. But we're older we don't have someone to nurture us like a loving mother would, so we can learn to do it for ourself, turn that into the habit rather than the harmful internlization. You're also dealing with cp, which most here don't realize. You have a heavier load than anyone I know. Maybe I'm off-base, but I love ya sister, I wish I could help. You're an amazing woman & friend. I'll turn FB back on & msg you. I had to get away for awhile cuz the stuff with my sister on there was triggering me. Plus I've been manic & working or playing video games nonstop. Really hope you're doing better. You deserve to feel healthy & balanced, you really do and you LOVE your kid & he's awesome too!

Miguelsmom - thinking of you. Let's consider ourselves in this together. Let's support each other and get thro to the other side

Stopping medication cold turkey is a bad idea! Depending on what you're on you could suffer seizures from stopping suddenly. BP are known for not being compliant with medications to varying degrees. I imagine if your gonna go off your meds., it due to feeling better. However remember it is also the precursor to mania. So, if you absolutely must stop your meds., which I must state is a bad idea, without discussing w:doc 1st, or if you insist upon doing it yourself educate yourself first about abrupt cessation on meds you're/were currently taking so you know how to so it safely otherwise you could have sone serious withdrawal symptoms. I must also add that, trust me I get it, been there..etc, but we are on medication prescribed by a doc who is treating us for mental illness. So think about it, we are I'll, no 2 ways about it and most of us know that due to BP our thinking isn't often what's actually occurring in our lives, our perception often times does not reflect actual events, circumstances, and our thoughts have gotten us into trouble more times than we care to remember. So, before making such a pivotal decision in your treatment get insight from others as well as doc & T if applicable. Just tread lightly, try to think before you act, with our impulsive natures I know how hard it is, but it's your health & well being at stake here. Sending hugs & wishing only the best for you!

Much love, Diane

the voices are horrible, the anger is horrible and I truly worry I might hurt someone. I've been there but it passes as long as I remember it'll pass and have a PRN AP shouldn't I be okay?

It's not like you're forgetting to take them right? No I'm not forgetting my husband even reminds me. I've even told him I have no more and though about flushing them but haven't yet. My team is worried about me but we'll see. Pdoc convinced me to keep trying but it's so tiring.

how do we get you to want health enough to not SI? That's the thing I do not SI when catatonic. I'm to busy not moving and climbing deep inside myself.

C- you almost made me cry

you could suffer seizures from stopping suddenly My T told me going off my meds would cause me seizures and I told her that's a positive.

However remember it is also the precursor to mania. I wish this time.

get insight from others as well as doc & T if applicable. My husband, PC, pdoc, and T think it's a bad idea. Everyone else doesn't think I don't need meds.

try to think before you act That's why I posted

Have you stopped your meds? How are you doing? Thinking of you x

I have gone off my meds a couple of times, not really by choice, but simply because I could not afford them at the time. After feeling so much better for so long, the feelings I got off my meds terrified me. It was though I felt as if I was going to back to the person I used to be, and it scared me so much. I did get scolded by my pdoc at the time for stopping the way I did and not contacting her for her to help me with what I needed.

I noticed when I miss one day of my meds, and the difference it has is tremendous. If you do stop your meds, as others have said, it is too dangerous to stop cold turkey. You will notice a difference even if it is tapered.

Yes, I did stop both my CP med and my BP med both cold turkey. I was vomitous with a migraine the next time I saw T. My husband came in with me (My T knew exactly what was going on because I write to her. Everyone here knows when he comes in I'm not well.) Between them and the pdoc (and here) They convinced me to take it until I get back to NYC. I have another appointment with T monday. Then the day I come back I have an appointment with T and 5th pdoc. They want me to take my psych meds & AP full time until I get back because theses next 3 weeks are going to be stressful. They seem to be worried that it won't go well and I wont be handling it well.

Glad you are back on meds. I'm on day 3 I think of no meds. It's terrible

Slow down and try to decide just what you want. Value yourself highly when you make this decision.

Whichever it is, do it and stick to it and be sure your pdoc and T are in there with you. Do it safely.

Good luck and best wishes.

Slow down and try to decide just what you want. Value yourself highly when you make this decision.

Whichever it is, do it and stick to it and be sure your pdoc and T are in there with you. Do it safely.

Good luck and best wishes. Big Hug.

That's good advice ^^ Maybe that's why it did double double. Just do your best, glad you're honest with them.
How to value yourself... that's another thing & a hard thing. Maybe it's the kids who keep us alive & need their mom - something you tell me that helps me stop & think.


And that catatonic state, like we talked about this morning, wanting it but it's just not happening & maybe just not an option. Frustrating. I too want to be back in that ball under my covers for months, like in a safe cocoon, where the mind takes a vacation and I just feel numb. Where I'm staying alive & not locked up, but safe from the world, safe from my mind. So I paced & paced for 30 minutes, then rocked & rocked with many tears. I guess it tired me out a bit and I can sit and write at least now. Hope it's going ok with p's.

C,
Glad you're calmer. P's are well they leave at 9 every night.

That's awesome they leave every night! Hope it's going ok

They leave tomorrow to drop me off at my in-laws for 2 wks. I'm already sick to my stomach, and tired of faking happy. Then my husband makes me 40 min. late to my session so T couldn't see me. Then he acts like I'm insane for flipping out at him. I ended up crying all the way home before collecting myself. I have no idea how I'm going to pull myself together and smile for the next 2.5 weeks and then there's the fact that everyone talks about weight issues while food is a major part of there life.

You're prob driving now. Hope it's going ok... I think you'd said M's side was more open & accepting about MI I hope so. Good luck with it, hopefully they give you space to rest or hugs or family support when you need it.