Just got out of the PsychDoc's office

This sucked. The command has come down from on high, no more alcohol. At all.

Usually I'll have a beer or a mixed drink with dinner and maybe one or two while I'm watching TV with my kids.

Lately I've been down and hurting. So I've been drinking a little more to numb the pain. I know I shouldn't, but damn it, it works.

Luckily she switched up my meds to cheaper stuff (like I've been asking for months). I'm still out of work and $1000/mo just ain't happening.

Then we got into my getting fired.... Actually, that was first. Apparently I'm just supposed to know how to control my outbursts and alcohol from many days ago is to blame......

I need to learn how to meditate. I need to learn how to calm myself. The problem is, how can I meditate when my mind is flying around a million miles an hour......

Argh

I can't drink because my symptoms get worse. I tell others I'm allergic to alcohol so no one says anything.

Alcohol isn't a good mix for you...not with the state you've been in. I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Just stay the course, take your meds, and keep coming here.

I know that I feel better, knowing that I can come here.

I was drinking because it numbs me to the pain. When I'm down it hurts. It's worse than physical pain.

When I think about my screwup's. When I think about my stupid actions. When I see my ex-wife.....

It's amazing. I've been divorced for over a year and separated for for more than two.... Yet I still miss her. I still miss the woman she was. I know what was will never be again

I was such an outcast as a child and young man. Looking back, people tried to be my friends, but I couldn't be a friend

I had very few friends and before my ex-wife. When I met her..... My life changed. She said and acted like she loved me unconditionally. I was hard to live with and occasionally a royal asshole.

Looking back, if she had taken the kids and left because of who I was, I could totally understand. But she didn't. She left for money. She left for a lifestyle. She left the kids with me (totally not the Proper parent to have them) and moved in with her lover.

Now, even her mother says she was just acting. Just playing a role. She found something better and changed roles.

Now I'm alone again. Yes I have my boys, but I have no one for me. I have no one to love me unconditionally. That love I felt kept me from falling apart. It kept me from blowing up. Yes I had "flare ups", but I was so much stabler (sp?) than ever before.

Imagine finding out that the person you thought loved you unconditionally was just using you. Imagine being thrown away when your usefulness was up.

That was me. That's what I feel.

When I'm having a good day, I'm fine.

When I'm having a bad day....... All I can think about is the pain. All I can feel is the pain.

I can totally see how people get addicted to drugs like heroin. It takes the pain away. When I'm that low, all I want is to not feel.

These are all the reasons why you shouldn't drink. Right now you may want to look at iop until your more stable. You gave her everything don't let her continue sucking the life out of you. Get healthy, and do hobbies for yourself. treat yourself and tell yourself the things you would do/say to your child if they were left for the next best thing. Don't let her destroy you it happens to to many people that after being with jerks they become one.

Did your dr prescribe anything to address the depression you are feeling? I get the feeling you were scolded (or you feel that way) but its obvious you are really down right now and certainly didnt need to hear any negativity. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Betrayal and loss are very deep wounds. What I can almost be certain of though is that your boys feel this too. You need to do whatever it takes to fight this illness. For yourself and for your boys. She left them, you are hanging on for them. Show her that you ARE better than her. I strongly suggest therapy if you dont already go. Some of the VA hospitals are offering nami connections support groups (free) or look for a regular nami group in your area (also free), you might find that helpful. Read everything you can on bipolar and those things that help with symptoms. All those things people do to stay healthy, sleep, eat, exercise, etc are 100% more important for us.
I hope this helps some, sending you (((really big)))

Yup, I got scolded. I got scolded hard.

I'm already on an antidepressant.

The worst part of this? Before my ex, I felt the pain, but I could live with it. Now that I know what it's like to have someone love you..... Not having it is like I'm missing part of my soul.

I love my boys and will NEVER do something to hurt them. But some days I just want to be numb

Alcohol and bipolar don't mix. Channel your angst into a creative outlet such as painting.

I went thru a terrible process when I left my ex husband. He was/is an abusive alcoholic. For a long time, I blamed myself..not understanding that he was a user.

You will come to a place, with help, knowing that you ARE the best parent for your children. You cannot control life's events and your ex is selfish and sounds like she has issues of her own.

It isn't your fault. Just do not give up.

Lord knows I'm trying not to give up.

I was a teetotaler for the year I was on probation (look into my very first post, it's a long story) and had no problem with it. I honestly do not believe I'm an alcoholic. I've always considered an alcoholic who can't have one of two drinks and then wrap up for the night. Unless I'm down, I rarely have more than one or two drinks and hardly ever get drunk.

The doc says no more alcohol, so no more alcohol. I'll give it six months and reassess.

I know my ex is a total shithead. I know that at this moment I'm the better parent. I just feel so damned lost sometimes

I can't possibly imagine what you are going through, but the point is you are. You are taking control and although it sucks right now, you will one day look back and see the big difference this is making for you.

I wish I could give up the drink .