[mobjack]

My ex-wife who was a nurse diagnosed me as bipolar in 1996.(for the record, she also diagnosed her 2nd husband with bipolar-isn't that a strange coincidence-If she diagnoses her 3rd husband with bp I'm going to know something is up!!) I always get super happy when winter is coming to an end and spring is arriving. I usually get depressed in the winter time. When I was diagnosed, no one knew that I was doing a lot of cocaine and LSD as well as drinking alcoholically and smoking a lot of weed. I have read that "cocaine psychosis" mimics the behaviors in bp with many of the same symptoms. But by the time I fessed up about all the drugs it was too late-The doctors had already made their diagnosis and they weren't going to change it. I have told several pdocs about being on heavy drugs at the time I was diagnosed but no doctor to date will "undiagnosed" me. Once you are labeled bp its impossible to shake. Fast forward to 2012-I was very depressed in jan and feb of 2012-felt like I wanted to die most days. But then a strange thing happened. I started going to a Pentecostal type high energy church and got sucked into all the excitement and hype. I got super religious and thought Jesus was going to prosper me like Solomon in the bible. Thats what the church taught. So I quit my job which I hated(customer service rep) and decided to start my own landscape company. I just knew I could not fail since I was saturated in Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I spent about $40,000(all on credit) on a new truck and landscape equipment. But the business didn't go as well as I had planned and all the equipment got repossessed and I was forced into bankruptcy-When everything caved in I went into a tailspin. I ruined my life. Maybe I'm in denial but I blame it on all the sensationalism and emotionalism at the church I was attending and I really believed their message of prosperity. I have restricted visits with my son now(his mom requires a letter from my pdoc saying I am compliant before he can come see me.) If it weren't for my son, I would stop taking my meds immediately but I feel as though I am forced against my will to take the lithium and anti depressants until he gets out of high school. I have never had full blown mania that I am aware of. Perhaps hypomania or over excitement at times but still functional in day to day life. And if I did have hypomania at least I know the warning signs to look for if it comes back.Since all this happened in 2012 I have been in a deep depression for almost 2 years but it is not like a chemical balance type depression. It is more of a situational depression due to my life circumstances of feeling like I ruined my life. I am on Soc Security disability and had to move back in with my parents and I feel like the biggest 47 year old loser on planet earth. I have pretty much just given up on life and don't really care anymore. I feel like I can never hold down another job because I can't snap out of this 2 year depression. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. I am new to this forum and this is my first post.
Any feedback??

[pegasus]

Hello mobjack, it's not up to your ex wife to diagnose you, nurse or not she isn't qualified to do so. You are right, illegal drug use can create havoc with your mental health. The 'manic' stage sounds like you got hooked into the religion thing. It does sound like depression more than anything but we can't diagnose on the internet. Depression can make us feel hopeless. I hope you will share more with us, welcome aboard!

[Happy Camper]

I was diagnosed bipolar 1, then undiagnosed to mood disorder unspecified, so it's definitely possible to shake it off.

But what you wrote does sound bipolar. I have no doubt it was made worse by the drugs and stress you've been through, though. I think most mood disorders have a seasonal element to them (feel better in spring like you mentioned), too.

BUT...it's always a possibility it could be something else. I have a history of head injuries, bizarre thoughts irrespective of mood, and various symptoms of personality disorders, so I'm going to have a full neuropsych eval (4 hours) and some type of brain imaging done to rule out tumors, lesions, epilepsy, and other organic problems.

[MagicsMom]

I don't want to diagnose you although it does sound like Bipolar. Just wanted to say I wish you the best of luck. You are not a loser! You're doing what you have to do to get better. I've been depressed for a year and it's not situational.

[vjdragonfly]

I agree with Magic, it does kinda sound like bp. The fact that you got sucked into this church and then had a sense of nothing can go wrong sounds like a manic episode to me. I mean I know other ppl get that way, but not many go out as far on a limb as you did. Part of a manic episode is feeling "super human" and a feeling of it is impossible to fail is kinda over the top. I am by no means able to say for sure that is what it was, just throwing my thoughts out there. When I was questioning my diagnosis because being on here, I didn't feel right. One thing my pdoc asked me, if I wasn't why would my medicine be helping? Not sure, but it kinda made sense.

[popsie]

hey mobjack, did you know you have a hug from bipolarnurse? I thought that was funny since you were diagnosed by a nurse exwife who also diagnosed her previous exhubby. bipolarnurse isn't by any chance your exwife is she?
anyway, hopefully we all have a sense of humour on this site.

so, um, your experience of the church, business, investing large sum on credit, going bankrupt then as a result of the whole scheme not panning out, then crashing into depression, all sounds classic bipolar. and you saying that your depression is situational because of the result, I hear you, but it reminds me of what my dad would say ( and he was very definitely bipolar) and the apple didn't fall far from the tree

remember, you asked for feedback!

having said all that, who am I to say, there are several other wonderful disorders you could have I'm sure.... and since your exwife diagnosed you I wouldn't accept that! no way! I guess what might be more important right now to realize is that right now you are depressed, you do recognize that, and what you want to do is get better, feel better, somehow, some way. and for that, I do wish you sincerely the best wishes, for better days to come.

[popsie]

Hi again, sorry, just re read your post again. 2 years is a long long time to be depressed. have you tried asking your doc about your meds? considered tweaking/changing them? seems like something isn't working, right?

in case you are interested, I have tried lithium and epival in the past for "mood stablizers" - hated both of them. lithium I felt "shrinkwrapped". could not feel anything. sure, I wasn't sad or depressed, I just wasn't anything at all. I went off of it (unsupervised)/unwise, and had manic episode

anyway, currently, I take gabapentin and topiramate (Topamax) as mood stabilizers. they are antiseizure meds, but can work as mood stablizers. I also take an antidepressant celexa (citalopram) and Seroquel xr (antipsychotic) which my doc tells me is necessary to treat bipolar

[mobjack]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Yes "popsie", I have changed my meds 6 times in 2 years. Been in hospital 4 times for suicidal thoughts. Just feel like my life is over and there is nothing I can do to recover from the losses that occurred 2 years ago. It's all circumstantial bull**** and unfortunately they don't make a pill for that. I guess I haven't lost all hope since I am trying to get some insight from the forums on psychcentral.