[mjrwraith]

So I'm going on my second week of a horrid mixed episode. It just seems to be getting worse regardless of what I do. I try to get out of my depression and end up going deeper into it. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I seem to find myself in a hypersexual state. Then to top it all off after 4 years of sobriety I'm having flashbacks, which my psych said is normal. What disturbs me about them is what they are about. My psych advised me to talk to someone about it. So I talked to my wife and she thinks I'm lying. So now with everything that's going on,I have no one left to talk to. I am so ready to give up I'm tired of feeling so alone. I can be in a room full of people I know and feel like I'm the only one there. I hate this I just want to feel like someone around me cares and loves me. I'm just so ready to let go.

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[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by mjrwraith

So I'm going on my second week of a horrid mixed episode. It just seems to be getting worse regardless of what I do. I try to get out of my depression and end up going deeper into it. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I seem to find myself in a hypersexual state. Then to top it all off after 4 years of sobriety I'm having flashbacks, which my psych said is normal. What disturbs me about them is what they are about. My psych advised me to talk to someone about it. So I talked to my wife and she thinks I'm lying. So now with everything that's going on,I have no one left to talk to. I am so ready to give up I'm tired of feeling so alone. I can be in a room full of people I know and feel like I'm the only one there. I hate this I just want to feel like someone around me cares and loves me. I'm just so ready to let go.

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Have u considered going in-patient? I know a lot of people are against it bc of stigma and worry their job "might" find out. I've had two really bad battles with mixed episodes. I proudly checked "myself" into a mental hospital and it helped me. I was spiraling out of control and I was a danger to a few people. My mixed episodes consisted of racing thoughts then being extremely manic mad and depressively crying at the same time. Lastly I would flip flop between mania and depression every few days. All this lead me to get help right when I begin having racing thoughts. JMO

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[Curiosity77]

Mixed episodes are the worst states for me, unbearable. I hope you find some relief.

Yes when I went into my last bad mixed state I went to the hospital. I couldn't sleep or eat, I was mean then I'd be crying. This went on for days. My son even called his dad bc he was so worried and he went with his dad. Then my sister convinced me to go to the hospital.

I'm sorry ur feeling so alone. Ur not alone. There are ppl that understand what ur going through. Imo if it keeps up I would consider inpatient. Hope u feel better soon.

[mjrwraith]

My pstch has said that inpatient is more of a last resort for me, due to the fact that I don't have enough leave time at work. So right now I'm seeing him about once every week so he can monitor me. He thinks the mixed episodes are being triggered by these dormant memories resurfacing, and that if I can start dealing with them my mixed episodes should begin to subside. Right now I can't afford to lose my job so I've gotta find the light at the end of this tunnel, and just hope it's not a freight train coming my way, lol.

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[littlemiss44]

I.have been where you are. I've felt Helpless and.hopeless. I totally relate to you feeling like yr alone in.a crowded room full of people. Stress and memoris resurfacing definitely seem to be the cause. Now the hard part of how do we get out of this trap. Do you see a therapist on a regular basis? That would really help you right now since you can't go into the hospital. I don't understand why yr spouse I'd acting that way towards you. Sounds very unsupportive. You need people who are closer to you to be empathetic. I'm so sorry yr dealing with this. I have these same.issues then one day realized I couldn't work ft anymore so I got on ssd. Social security disability. It has helped me tremendously. I'm now able to manage my symptoms in a less stressful life. I now work pt and enjoy the flexibility very much. Maybe you should look into that as an option depending on how long yr episodes interfere with yr daily life. Please don't give up and don't give in. You can do this. We're all here for you so if you need to talk we'll listen. Feel free to pm msg me anytime. because of my bp I don't sleep much. I just wish yr spouse understood you better. I don't know what I'd do if my fiance didn't care to listen or hear me out. Take care and remember to reach out as.much as you need.

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[mjrwraith]

Fortunately my job is probably one of the few things that doesn't stress me out. I'm a water treatment plant operator for the city and I work the weekend shift. So nobody's at the plant. I know if I could just find someone to talk to I would do a lot better. No I don't have a therapist I tried to once but the one I found wanted to meet 3x a week and I just can't do that. Also I can't afford to pay for one right now.

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[mjrwraith]

Sitting here at work I've got plenty of time to sit quietly and think. I think I may have come to a realization that this all may have something do with the fact that my day to day consists of, going to work fri-mon. Then on my days off I take care of house work and kids. I never have time for myself anymore. I think I'm just flat stressed.

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[Mickey4333]

mjrwraith, Sounds like you could use a good therapist to talk to - do you have one?

[Hbomb0903]

I am in a mixed-episode right now too and I feel your pain. My job is, unfortunately right now, quite stressful and demands speed and spark and I am finding it hard not cringing when someone talks cross at me. I feel adrift and I can so relate to what you said about feeling so alone in a roomful of people.

My mind is racing and yet I can't put together much that comes out making sense. And the thoughts are so negative and hateful and the knowledge that I am like this for life feels like a death sentence. One I wish would stop taking it's sweet time! Now there is a small part behind all that that realizes part of the problem is me, but I can't stand it!!!! Why can't I change it then??

[mjrwraith]

I know exactly what you mean Hbomb. I try to change the way I think and feel and I fail. Then that just starts the whole cycle again. You just wish for one day you had someone to just listen to your heart, look into your eyes and tell you it's ok. Why is it you say I have cancer and everyone is aww you poor thing. You say you're bipolar and you just get the cold shoulder. Well in the words of Slipknot, " F*** it all, f*** this world, f*** everything that you stand for. Don't belong, don't exist, don't give a s*** and don't f***ing judge me!"

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[otroo]

I personally have a hard time opening up to a therapist but get me in group therapy with strangers that have similar problems and I am good to go. See if you can find a group therapy season to sit in on and it might help you out a ton.

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[mjrwraith]

I would but unfortunately my GAD usually keeps me pretty closed in a group. I tend to do better one on one and that's only when I feel I can trust the person, which isn't easy for me.

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[r010159]

Originally Posted by otroo

I personally have a hard time opening up to a therapist but get me in group therapy with strangers that have similar problems and I am good to go. See if you can find a group therapy season to sit in on and it might help you out a ton.

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My problem is the opposite, with groups and not individual therapy. My case worked has suggested group therapy in the past. But I declined because I did not want to be in a room full of strangers to talk about myself. But now I think I will reconsider this. I may benefit from comparing notes with others in a similar situation.

tucson

[LadyShadow]

You should seek out therapy or check yourself into a hospital. The mixed states can easily sway into something manic and you can lose all control. Not trying to scare you or anything but that's what happened to me. I always let the mixed states escalate into something uncontrollable until it was too late to do something about it.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by mjrwraith

I know exactly what you mean Hbomb. I try to change the way I think and feel and I fail. Then that just starts the whole cycle again. You just wish for one day you had someone to just listen to your heart, look into your eyes and tell you it's ok. Why is it you say I have cancer and everyone is aww you poor thing. You say you're bipolar and you just get the cold shoulder. Well in the words of Slipknot, " F*** it all, f*** this world, f*** everything that you stand for. Don't belong, don't exist, don't give a s*** and don't f***ing judge me!"

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Judgment is unfortunately much more readily available than insight and understanding. It's like people hear mental illness and they just flip a switch and look at you in a completely different light. Hiding it is even worse for me because being in the state I'm in now I am not up to par and I usually am highly functioning and active. I'm just a shell that wants to curl up on the couch or in the bed and have someone hold me right now. I am slow at work and make lots of mistakes, and I just feel like an alien.

I have a doc appt tomorrow thank God! I feel like I've been waiting for an eternity but its only been a few weeks. I've slid quite a bit but fortunately the meds I am going to discuss with the doc tend to work quite fast for me.

[mjrwraith]

Well I woke up this morning and I'm feeling a bit better. My mixed episode seems to be subsiding so far. Now I've just gotta figure out what triggered all this as I've not had an episode this bad since I started my meds. Luckily I have a psych appointment coming up so I'll talk to him and see what he wants to do. These memories that keep resurfacing are still bothering me though but oh well all I can do is deal with them and go on right?

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[Hbomb0903]

I'm glad that you are finding some relief. I felt a bit better today and I've been doing stuff around the house which makes me feel accomplished. I have a meeting today and will probably just chill by myself or with my boyfriend later. I'm not freaking out and feeling that desperation today which is an improvement. This kind of state is so strange because it would be a comfort to just be able to sleep away the pain in my head, but I'm too agitated to even do that!

[mjrwraith]

I understand. Luckily my meds kinda make me get some kind of sleep, albeit no more than a few hours right now. I think that's part of my issue I've got so much to do around the house and at work I'm just overwhelmed. I don't really have time for myself and it's starting to take its toll.

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[mjrwraith]

Well my episodes have calmed down a little bit for now. Thankfully I found something to get involved with that has kept my mind busy. That's helped to get things back under control. Anyways I go see my psych later this week so I'm gonna talk to him about what's going on to see what he wants to do.

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[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I am in a mixed-episode right now too and I feel your pain. My job is, unfortunately right now, quite stressful and demands speed and spark and I am finding it hard not cringing when someone talks cross at me. I feel adrift and I can so relate to what you said about feeling so alone in a roomful of people.

My mind is racing and yet I can't put together much that comes out making sense. And the thoughts are so negative and hateful and the knowledge that I am like this for life feels like a death sentence. One I wish would stop taking it's sweet time! Now there is a small part behind all that that realizes part of the problem is me, but I can't stand it!!!! Why can't I change it then??

You NAILED it!! I am in the same situation and feel pretty much the same way. Thank you for articulating it so well.

[Hbomb0903]

I feel pretty desperate about my life. Just added Wellbutrin to my Lithium today. I want this terrible paralyzed and scared rabbit-like feeling to go away!!!

[mjrwraith]

Hbomb I find when I'm like that, if I can find something to do it helps. Like some kind of hobby that I can easily do. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Just hang in there it can take awhile for your meds to start working. Wish I could help you out more bit that's the best advice I have.

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