Showing my husband I still love him even when I'm depressed

Does anyone else have difficulty with their significant other feeling unloved when you're in the middle of a depressive episode?

This is the first major depressive episode I've had since we've been married and I suppose he's enjoyed the "honeymoon period" and is unhappy with things now.

He has said that he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be cheerful and be happy to see him at the end of the day when I see him, or he gets home from being out.

But anyone with depression knows that it's extremely difficult to appear "happy and smily" all the time.

I know I need to educate him on the way depression works, and i do acknowledge that it's difficult for him living with someone who is blue all the time. It's just difficult and makes life hard a lot of the time.

I've been trying for four years, nothing changes

... but I want to see you smile and hear you laugh... be happy

right..sure...the meds take away the ups and downs and leave us in middle.

The middle is all that I can give anyone
I don't have any more to give than than that

How many years have you been married?

I can relate to your post. I feel like I'm "at capacity" just getting out of bed and going to work every day, and taking care of our toddler who attends daycare.

It does feel like the middle doesn't it. I'm functioning, but I'm certainly not "smiling and laughing" either. Thank you for your reply

10 :-)

I've had my ups and downs the whole time and they have been manageable but nothing like this.

When you are up to it, do something unpredictable and outrageous for him. For instance, meet him at the door when he returns from work, hug him, and hand him a can of beer. That is if he drinks the stuff. Or if you are in an adventurous mood, order a bouquet of flowers for when he is at the office. He will remember these times. And if you think you can only do this once, this will still make a difference to him. Dream up things like this that you can do when you have the energy to do it. Then commit to something, anything at all.

I have been outrageous like this in the past. And I do think I will do it again, again, and again.

PS: A little wild, isn't it?

I took my partner to my pdocs with me, Pdoc explained there is nothing he can do to make a depressed person happy. I make a real effort to show that I am pleased to see him and I appreciate him. Its hard to make the effort being so low but if I dont he feels sad and I dont want us both to be sad, so I push push push myself through the negative to smile at him, do something sweet for him and try to plan "enjoyable" activities.

the best thing to come out of my sisters marriage (still married )is romance cards when not feeling well or knowing the other feels unloved we scratch off one of the tickets. We keep the tickets so it lasts longer. If its a sexual one or one not feesable we throw it back in and pick another. Its hard enough to do small loving things but almost impossible to think of one. When all else fails running you hand through your husbands hair while he lays on your lap watching a movie helps.

My husband and I have been married for seven years and together for nine. In 2012, he finally saw how bad things were for me. He knows that I can't always be lovey or happy, but I do my best to do sweet things for him. I brought him home malted milk balls last night. Little things do not take much energy and mean so much.

This is such a huge problem for me! My husband does not understand AT ALL and frankly he never will. I've tried to explain to no avail. He can't grasp the concept of depression and he gets full on ANGRY when I don't just "snap out of it".

The biggest problem is that I get extremely irritable and can't stand to be touched. I deny him any physical affection, even just a hug. That's what makes him feel unloved. So I try to be aware of my emotions and understand when I'm not angry at him, really. I try to take deep breaths and allow a hug or a kiss. Unfortunately intimacy is out the window and I can't help that.

My husband and I have a great, communicative relationship right now, even with my severe depression. I know it's really hard for him to watch me suffer and feel helpless to do anything about it. I went to a counselor the other day and the phrase "supporter burnout" came up from the counselor. He was advised to engage in self care as much as possible.

I can relate. My husband said he takes my moods day to day, which made me feel worse. I'm often afraid he'll get tired of my crap. I talk about it in therapy. One thing I did is take interest in things he enjoys. For example I hate sports, but I'll engage in conversation about sports while watching a game. I try to cook, clean, and keep my mental illness out of the house and in therapy. I am on ssdi so I understand if you don't have the time for these things.

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Oh my goodness. Thank you all so very much for your replies. I am bowled over.

It's so nice not to feel alone in this.

I do a lot of hiding of my depression from him but sometimes it's really hard. Especially on the days where I might wake up feeling really low and can't stop crying for a little while. That indicates to him that I need more pills or more therapy, because clearly it "isn't working"

I'm terrified that he'll one day get sick of me and walk out

What do you do on your bad days? The ones where you might have had a med adjustment and can't stop crying or feeling anxious, but you can't hide it?

One of my diagnoses is BPII, and we got married during a rather long manic phase, then when I crashed, he said I've changed. Well, obviously. He said he wanted me to be happy and all that, but he just pretty much ignores me now. Feeling alone when I'm not alone.

Me too.

I can really relate to this. I feel like he expects me to snap out of it too, and I'm supposed to walk around saying "life is wonderful, I'm so happy all the time" with a stupid smile on my face all day.

There's not a lot of physical affection either, because I don't feel very attracted to him at the moment, due to a lack of understanding/unwillingness to be supportive of what I'm going through. So I try and hug him anyway so he feels loved, but he doesn't want me to do it if it's faked. It makes it very hard for me to know what to do. I can either fake it until I feel better, or wait till I'm feeling more "up" and do it then. But in the meantime, I have to put up with his complaining about feeling unloved.

And as for intimacy, well I try and do that for him, but he says he doesn't want it from me if I'm just doing it for his sake. But a lack of drive is one of the symptoms of depression, and until my depression is under control I'm not going to have a genuine drive. So once again, he complains that there's a lack of intimacy, but when I try to make an effort for him, he complains because it's not "real"

I really don't know what to do. Leaving him isn't really an option as we have a young child and a family business. But staying with someone who is very difficult to get through to isn't my idea of a fun life.

This sounds a lot like what happened with me. I had just started a new job, life was great, my depression was laying low and felt under control. So we got married and life was great for about four years.

Looking back at my journals (so glad I kept them and didn't shred), I can see that the three years prior to that I was depressed, I was struggling with uni and dropped back to part time. Once my degree was finished and I started working, I felt much better and the mania started. I felt free as a bird.

He comments quite frequently that I've changed too. That I used to be fun and be intimate all the time. And now nothing. He wants me to be happy to, but from a point of view of "you need to fix yourself". I feel very lonely too :-(

I try to cook dinner when I'm feeling any energy at all. My wife appreciates it and that eases the guilt of my depression. Pitching in on the routine chores helps too.

I am going through a dissolution of a relationship that began when I was stable. He just went through a traumatic event, losing his mother whom he was close to and referred to as his "best friend" and is not the same person he was when I met him either. I tried my best to be supportive of him while she was still alive, but he pushed me away because she became demented and thought I was bad.

Long story short, now that I'm down and out and need someone the most, and he does too, he isn't there. It's hard. My relationships have never really turned out well because my disease always seems to sabotage me in some way.

I feel pretty low right now, but its nice to know I'm not alone. I am glad for the support of all of you and hope I can be of help as well.

Actually, he drove me to the psych ward 2 wks ago. I did not tell him I was suicidal just said stress, anxiety, and nightmares. He was very supportive. I don't really let him in on the severity of my list of diagnosis. Sometimes I wait to cry when he's gone to work, but if I'm having a panic attack he never understands. He does blame my parents for not getting me help earlier and my mom's very controlling. So from that aspect he can see I came from dysfunction. One HUGE mistake I made is letting him in on my past molestation. This really did a bunch of damage for our sex life. We had a therapy session regarding my flash backs of the abuse. Big mistake! Now he says hurtful things like you don't like or want sex. As far as coping skills - I gained about 50lbs in the last 2 yrs from meds and I quit smoking. I know it's superficial, but I want to lose weight and make an effort to look better. Mental illness and the added weight automatically makes me want to stay home in pajamas and eat carbs! So, I'm walking and trying to have a better diet. And the reason I joined AA and quit smoking pot was because my husband hated my drug use. So, that was a huge positive bc it was ruining our marriage. it does bother me that he smokes cigarettes and sometimes gets tipsy, but I was far worse. I hope you got some help from my rambling. PM me anytime

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I'm Bipolar I and I was manic when we got married and diagnosed after. It was hard bc my husband thought I only did it bc I was manic which isn't true.

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Oh and btw I think almost every antidepressant kills your libido except wellbutrin. I'm on lamictal which is fine but I think it's for bipolar.

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So what do people do about the libido issue? Just fake being interested to keep him happy?

I changed meds till my libido returned. We also did couples counseling, which led him to do his own therapy for a little and things have improved.

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