[wildflowerchild25]

It's true. I know there are many of us who struggle with needing medication to maintain our precarious balance. So who would like to join my support group, med ditchers anonymous? I don't mean those of you who have chosen to live med free, I mean this of us who constantly stop and start meds, seemingly unable to make a clear, unwavering decision to just be one way or another. With or without - that is the question!

I feel I am at a crossroads right now. One month ago I ditched meds again - I was only taking trileptal. This time I think I had three reasons. One - I was depressed despite the proper dose of trileptal. So screw it, right? Two - I hadn't been hypomanic (that I cared to admit) since august. I missed it, even though the august episode went into scary and dangerous territory. And three - I concluded that since I hadn't been hypomanic in so long, I must not have bipolar. Especially since I went off meds in December for six weeks for many if the same reasons (except instead of feeling depressed I felt fine) and nothing happened until a depressed episode at the end of January.

So I said bye bye meds and continued my depressed episode. Then lo and behold, I felt the ceiling begin to crack. See on the trileptal I managed to get euphoria at times but no energy. So I felt I was pressed against a glass ceiling unable to move up. I guess the taste of hypo made me do it...cue full blown hypo episode starting two weeks ago!

The two weeks has been AMAZING I have gotten so much done and been so happy and productive and sociable and happy. Yet still in control. Yesterday was the first day it got a little iffy...well Tuesday I was angry and agitated most of the day. Anyway yesterday my mind kicked into hyperdrive and I definitely felt perhaps it was too much! I haven't been able to sit still for days but I had an I service at school and I couldn't focus at all. I did a lot of crazy writing that I accidentally left in my desk - hope no one reads it!!! I've gotten six hours of sleep in the last two days. I did my whole day today by noon and the. I was just ucomfortable because I needed to MOVE and couldn't figure out something to do! And I kinda started to crash from lack of sleep...I couldn't see patterns in the raindrops anymore.

I fell asleep for an hour in the afternoon and now I feel more energetic and sped up again...and really irritable! Just screamed at hubby again over something dumb as usual. Feel like a jerk...but ah well right? My mind is kicking up again.

Right so what's the freaking point right! Well if I do indeed have bipolar I can look at my last episodes and know that this one, as much fun as it's been, will be ending very soon. I don't generally go past two weeks. And I've been high enough to know the flip side is going to be very ugly. So I guess I need to take my meds right? Because I have to start back at 300mg and build up. But I don't want to lose this even though it's getting a little too much to keep track of my thoughts...

So I dunno. My birthday is next Friday and I sure don't want to lay around depressed.

So to my fellow chronic med ditchers, have you ever been able to make a decision and stick with it? What keeps you on your meds if you start missing mania? What reasons do you usually have for dropping them?

And PS no one lecture me on the dangers of playing pdoc yourself - clearly I know them I just never care when it comes down to it. And yes I know I should just take my meds especially now it's just a matter if actually doing it!

PPS I do apologize for length and disorganization I just have so much in my brain!

[Hbomb0903]

Hey wildflower,

I too am a chronic med ditcher. I don't have hypomanic phases that I can label as such, but I have plenty of stupid, careless, thoughtless actions that fit the bill. I know I need meds when I'm depressed (like now), but after I'm "fine" for a while I am like F this, why do I have to be cursed??? I'm fine!!! And I taper off or quit. I've gone almost 5 years until now without a bad depression, but oh am I in it now.

I don't know why we do this, but its definitely a symptom of our chronic condition. I feel like if I just had a stable caring partner that would watch over me I'd be fine, but that hasn't been in my cards either. I'm feeling really hopeless right now. I want you to know you're not alone.

Hugs and keep talking.

I wonder how the people around you, those who care about you, feel when your moods are so inconsistent because of your erratic medication pattern?

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm quite good at hiding what's happening in my head. I suppose the irritability is what shows, which I'm not happy about.

Other than that I never tell anyone what's happening and while they probably notice differences no one ever tells me about myself. Except hubby.

It's usually my son who gets me to go back on them. Another reason I will start them tomorrow. Depression is ugly and I can't be like that for him. Best to head it off.

But when I decide to quit I've already convinced myself I'm fine and all will be well.

And now that I've had hypomania bordering on mania again I can conclude I do have bipolar and would be better off on trileptal. This will work for me for six months until I decide I'm ok again.

I'm returning to therapy on Tuesday so I can work on being happy with myself the way I am. So I won't feel the need to go off meds. I hope anyway.

You know what else I need to accept that I will never be allowed to be myself and live how I want and I will always be crushed by everyone else's requirements.

[GlenMartin]

Oft times it seems the side effects of the med blur any positive action of the experimental drugs the psychiatric community uses on us patients. I'd rather be sick than fatigued all the time and unable to fulfill any useful purpose. Like you, I have skipped doses for daze, but always fall back again when I start pacing with deep, dark depression . . . then I feel like horse sh&t again and must wonder if it's worth it.

[~Christina]

I think med ditching is fine as long as you have a HUGE tool box full of coping tools and know when and how to use them.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

I wonder how the people around you, those who care about you, feel when your moods are so inconsistent because of your erratic medication pattern?

They feel really frustrated. They say you can't escape it. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't just say oh I'm fine I don't need this.... it wouldn't be an option. It's hard because the object that is being treated is so intangible. it's your mind.

I struggle with this every time I get depressed and it is something I use to beat on myself. It's a vicious cycle otherwise.

The older I've become, the more I accept that our lives are less about ourselves and more about what we give to others. Certainly our children deserve to be our top priority, and that means showing them that we choose to be our healthiest selves so we can take care of them and keep them safe.

[TheatreKid]

I'm concerned this thread will end up being an argument between those who go off meds and those who want to give those people a ton of reasons why that's bad.

I used to be a chronic med ditcher. I am not any more. But even when I did ditch my meds several times, I knew it would hurt my relationships. I knew it would hurt my family. I knew I was making what I thought was a "choice".

But it wasn't actually a choice at all. It was a symptom. When I learned what my cycles were like and what my early warning signs were, I learned that I wasn't a selfish person who recklessly ditched my meds with no care for the consequences. I was already in an episode every time I decided to ditch the meds. I was not selfishly throwing away my stability, as some people thought. I was caught up in the dysfunction of a bipolar episode. Shaming me was not going to fix me at all, because I was beyond shaming by the point where I would go off my meds.

In the early years of my diagnosis, I cycled often, and ditched the meds a couple of times. Every time I vowed I wouldn't do it again. But I did. And all the "think of your family" in the world couldn't stop me from doing it. And when the episode was over? I felt guilt. I felt shame. And people liked to tell me I was bad. And all that did was lower my already fragile self esteem.

I guess I could be an honourary member of this club? I haven't ditched my meds in a couple of years. But I understand why it happens.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

The older I've become, the more I accept that our lives are less about ourselves and more about what we give to others. Certainly our children deserve to be our top priority, and that means showing them that we choose to be our healthiest selves so we can take care of them and keep them safe.

This is a good observation. I wish more would listen to this. You seem to be a level-headed, helpful person on the forum. Keep up the good work!

Thank you, r010159.

[TheatreKid]

Apologies, I just realized that I stated a concern about arguing and then went ahead and posted an argumentative post. Whoops. I apologize.

[cashart10]

I want to be a med ditcher sometimes so, so, so badly but even when I'm not thinking clearly I still run my thoughts past my therapist who makes me "wait to talk to my pdoc" who talks me out of it. Well, this has actually only happened once and I'm still not 100% convinced I need to listen. The time I actually did ditch my meds, 10 years ago, went mostly well until 2 years ago when I became psychotically manic. You'd think I'd have learned a lesson but then I just start believing I'm well and was never actually sick.

[wildflowerchild25]

Me too cashart. I jut think maybe it was situational and I don't really have a problem. I guess the fact that I was able to function for six years without meds really kills me. I just keep thinking why then and not now?

[swheaton]

I've ditched a med once...horrible idea. However, it happens, and people move on. It's just tough to face that I'll be on meds forever. I hate them, but know that there are benefits.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Me too cashart. I jut think maybe it was situational and I don't really have a problem. I guess the fact that I was able to function for six years without meds really kills me. I just keep thinking why then and not now?

This is me too wildflower. I had nearly 10 years between depressions and felt like I was "fine". But looking back at my behaviors I realize I wasn't. I just wasn't crashing. I did a lot of things I think were influenced by hypomanic behavior and I might still be with the father of my children if I had stuck with meds.

I'm convinced now that I destabilize and it's better to be safe than sorry.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Me too cashart. I jut think maybe it was situational and I don't really have a problem. I guess the fact that I was able to function for six years without meds really kills me. I just keep thinking why then and not now?

I have the same thoughts. I was well off meds for 8 years, and destabilized during a period of intensely stressful events. I am questioning whether i still need to be on meds now, and i'm planning for the right time to ditch them. I know this would be against medical advise, but i can't really imagine going through life this medicated without at least trying to go med free once more. It feels like the meds i'm on now are an over-reaction. On the other hand, it's a big risk and my pdoc said that if i get sick again she can't guarantee that she can get me well again. I know that untreated BP tends to progress and get worse, so i might never make it back to current baseline. I never made it back to my old baseline after my last major episode.

So what to do? I'm still deciding. But i really do want to give med free, or at least med reduced, a chance.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hbomb0903]

Reading these posts just makes me remember the blurb that r010159 posted in another thread about this very thing. This is an episodic disorder that often becomes more severe with time. The meds you are on may be overkill but to go off them completely seems to be just waiting for the bomb to fall. IMO I will strive to be the least medicated I can possibly be, but I'm willing to accept that I will need to be for the rest of my life to some degree. These swings haven't been so bad for me when I'm on my meds.

[cashart10]

Wow! This thread rings true with me so much, especially after hearing from those of you who were well (or seemingly so) for a number of years (8 for me also) and then had a major break. This is exactly the thoughts I am struggling with right now.

Curiosity, my pdoc said the same thing, one of the major reasons I agreed to stay on my meds for now.

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Reading these posts just makes me remember the blurb that r010159 posted in another thread about this very thing. This is an episodic disorder that often becomes more severe with time. The meds you are on may be overkill but to go off them completely seems to be just waiting for the bomb to fall. IMO I will strive to be the least medicated I can possibly be, but I'm willing to accept that I will need to be for the rest of my life to some degree. These swings haven't been so bad for me when I'm on my meds.

Well put.

[wildflowerchild25]

Well I was correct in saying a downturn was coming up soon. It's like a switch has flipped. No adjustment period, just straight down. It's not terrible yet though. So I will restart the meds tonight. Even though this was just a hypo and only slid into mania for a couple of days, there's no telling what could happen next time. I mean I have spent about $500 in the last two weeks. That's no good. Especially because the money was supposed to cover all our medical debt

But you're right, sister rags, and it's something I've said on this board a few times. I just don't want to do this to my son. It's not fair to be depressed for him. It's not fair to be so up and down and I certainly cannot afford a hospitalization again.

I do think I still have to come to terms with the fact that my condition Has worsened to the point that I require medication. I mean oh well right? On the trileptal I have no side effects so why the hell won't I just take it?

I'm disappointed in myself to have to go back to it. I feel like I should be able to beat it.

I know everyone uses medical analogies like diabetes and cancer but I'll be honest, I don't get treatment for those things either. I mean I guess if I was dying I would but I'm just a soldier on kinda gal.

I've only ditched my meds once so I cant relate exactly. My support network has always been a huge "help" every time I have wanted to go off meds. I will mention it to someone and get the lecture and be reminded to do all the research into what happens when bipolar people go off meds. And for those that know about it, I am reminded of my 6 month hypomania which turned in to the worst mixed episode I could ever imagine. That scares me straight into staying on my meds.

At the end of last year I tried to lower the dose to increase motivation, Im not sure how much that impacted on my latest depression and now to be functioning I need far more than I used to (almost double the dose of AP now). I have also been told (although unsure how true it is) that antidepressants are less effective each time you go off them and restart them. I was worried that it would happen to me and eventually none would work, so again that scared me into staying on meds.

Eventually I do hope to be med free, but its quite obvious I am not at that stage yet, and wont be for a couple more years.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think med ditching is fine as long as you have a HUGE tool box full of coping tools and know when and how to use them.

Plus a PRN stash and a good sense of when to reach into it.

[hamster-bamster]

Wait. Seroquel XR PRN - I get that. And trileptal. Only trileptal routinely and nothing else? Trileptal is one of the milder medications. It does not seem so worth ditching, because it is not a heavyhitter drug. Didn't you suggest I try Trileptal in lieu of Lithium, because it would be milder in terms of side effects?

[wildflowerchild25]

Yes hamster that's what I mean I have no reason except to prove to myself I'm not in need of anything which always goes the exact opposite. I have no side effects for trileptal.

I know I make no sense.