[wildflowerchild25]

I mean I played with fire by goig off my medication and now I guess I've been burned. It's day 8 of depression, which I know doesn't sound like a lot but it's getting me in trouble.

Last week I posted that I felt compartmentalized and that my brain was torturing me and trying to get me to hurt myself. Well it's I've that because now I'm typically depressed. I'm sleeping all the time (asleep by 8:30 last night until 6:10am). I even fell asleep while watching my son which isn't so good except my husband was at least in the house.

But what I don't understand is I still feel like my husband is trying to use medication to control me and mold me into a perfect stepford wife. And now that is starting to extend to other people. Like my mom just wants me to act normal and my coworkers just want me to be a better person because I'm so horrible. They don't even know anything about this or that I take a med. but I'm suspicious. I think they are talking about how awful I am when I'm not around.

I learned today that a lot if the students hate me. Even ones I was cool with before . Not that it matters what a bunch of high schoolers hunk but they are real a**holes when they don't like you and I honestly had to remove myself today before I said something I regretted. I guess they can just see the. Terrible core I have which I thought I could hide but no.

I read on here once that paranoia is not really clinical paranoia until it interferes with your life. I don't think anything is going wrong except that my relationship with my husband is deteriorating. I am so angry with him for controlling me. I think if I take the med I am giving in to his vision and abandoning the true self he could never love. But that's not irrational. That's just how I feel. And I can't share with him because he just won't gt it. This morning we fought because "I can't do this to him again" and "did you even care what you did to your family last year". Right I had a GREAT time being suicidal and thinking something was inserting thoughts in my brain. Now he's apologized for that but still.

You see why I think he's trying to control me? He wants a perfect cupcake for a wife. But he won't divorce me. Which is good except I don't know which me he wants to stay married to. I don't trust him.

Ugh is any of this rational? Or does it sound completely off the wall? I need feedback because I'm afraid to share these thoughts with anyone. Nobody at work knows of my dx so I don't want to accidentally reveal that I'm on medication. I don't have any friends. I don't trust my family right now, they're going to say TAKE YOUR MEDS because that's what they want so they can be rid of the true me...that's what it feels like. And I can't see my therapist until next Tuesday.

For the record I have been taking the proper dose (1500mg not 900mg) of trileptal for the last two weeks. I can't bring myself to take the Seroquel because I am practically drunk I'm so tired the next morning. Though if the depression does not improve by next week (fitting in with my usual two week cycles) I'll try it since I have spring break.

I'm sorry if this is super repetitive. I know I posted something similar last week but that was more I was mad at society and now I specifically think my husband is controlling me. But yeah. I'm sorry.

Ps - I don't have a pdoc until may 23rd so I can't consult with her.

It sounds like paranoia to me, it's permeating multiple situations (marriage, family, work) If you can't get an appt sooner with your pdoc at least try your seroquel, just take it early in the evening so you get a whole night's sleep.

[wildflowerchild25]

I took it as early as 6pm and I still was stoned in the AM. I'm gonna wait till next week when I'm on break. I really can't take the chance because I have a half hour commute in the morning.

Is it weird to have delusions/paranoia as part of depression instead of mania?

[Curiosity77]

I think seroquel might be the way to go, because it sounds like you are getting paranoid and it's better to catch it before it turns into full blown psychosis. I know take your meds is not what you want to hear, but sometimes that's really the best option.

Sometimes it feels to me like meds change my personality and make me generally more compliant with society, which i don't like at all. But when i try to stop my AP i go immediately into depression. I hate it. It sounds like a similar thing is happening to you. Meds can suck, but taking them is better than the alternative if stopping them causes depression and paranoia. I don't think a depressed version of yourself is any more authentic than a medicated version of yourself, but that's easy for me to say to you and harder to accept when i apply it to myself.

Anyways, it sounds like things are bad and getting worse, so my advice is take your seroquel for now, and when you can see your pdoc ask about less sedating options. Sometimes taking it earlier or having coffee in the morning can help.




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[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks curiosity. I know what you're saying is probably right. Trippin said the same thing last week. It's just hard to go against my thoughts right now, it seems so true.

I can't even discuss it right now because I'm so sure that I'm right and my husband is just being controlling.

But I am aware that my thoughts MIGHT be a little irrational...

I can't take the Seroquel until Sunday night. I mean, I won't because I don't want to deal with the side effects on a work day. I can make it five more days I think. I actually can't have caffeine as too much (enough to feel the effects) upsets my stomach. Weird right?

Thanks for both your responses.

[swheaton]

Paranoia seems to be the problem, I'm so sorry. I've got mine under control, for the moment. I don't think anyone is trying to control you, but I know the feeling. Med side effects suck.

[swheaton]

Have you tried Geodon?

[Victoria'smom]

You need to ask your husband did he love you before you started the medicine ( he did or he wouldn't have married you). Then ask him if you ever got off medicine would he still love you. Before asking tell him you just need a yes or no answer. Can you call your therapist?

Ugh is any of this rational? Nope, but it is completely understandable. Do you have any sick days available? Have you tried PRN every other day or cutting it in half? Yes I know that sounds ridiculous how small they are but it may help.

Usually when I take my PRN I sit there and tell myself I'm lying ( usually in the Ari's voice in Sinbad) long enough to swallow the PRN but I haven't been able to prepare it for me to take at the time I start taking it.

For the record

[wildflowerchild25]

I tried geodon years ago and I thought it made me not able to sleep....but it hit me not too long ago that I may have been hypomanic (that's why the doc wanted me on it in the first place). But it doesn't matter bc I can't see a pdoc for another 5 weeks. I'm going to talk to her about it when I do. It's an initial eval but I've seen her before. I don't like her much but she's my only option right now.

[swheaton]

I hope your meeting with the pdoc goes well. You are such a source of positive energy her.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

You need to ask your husband did he love you before you started the medicine ( he did or he wouldn't have married you). Then ask him if you ever got off medicine would he still love you. Before asking tell him you just need a yes or no answer. Can you call your therapist?

The disconnect for me comes from the fact that he came into my life after the initial breakdown from 18-19. We actually met when one of my friends brought him to visit me in the psych ward where I had been for six weeks and was receiving ECT. Weird I know. So he knew my situation but never saw me at my worst because by the time I left the hospital I was no longer depressed. If I look back I may admit I might have been hypomanic but he met me like that so he assumed that was my default personality.

Things didn't get severe until our son was born. And I rallied from that. Even then I didn't self injure or admit to suicidal thoughts. This past year is when everything really took a turn for the worse. It's the first he's ever seen me in such a mess.

So yeah of course he loved me the question is does he still and can he love the true me, the me I've become. The unadulterated me.

If I was able to control myself I'm sure he wouldn't be opposed to me with no meds. But he doesn't tolerate depression, even if I'm not suicidal and not hurting myself. He just doesn't get it and doesn't care to. Which is why I think he's tryig to control me to be what he wants me to be.

No i don't feel I can talk to him about any of this.

Thanks for your reply

[tangerene]

Hey wildflower25, I don't think you have a "terrible core" and there are lots of other people here who agree with me. Your body is handling a lot atm with you coming off your med. Relationships - with husbands, your kids, coworkers, everyone - never stay the same. There are bound to be rough patches with them all, especially with the person you're closest with. You're not alone here and you're doing the right thing talking this out. Everything is going to be okay. Just don't forget to breathe.

[littlemiss44]

If yr husband met you when you were in the hospital then he should know that yr moods can fluctuate...I mean not understanding yr depression only makes things worse for you. I don't think he can expect you to be someone yr not. He knew from the beginning that you had mi. It makes me sad for you. I don't think you are being irrational either. I think you might be a little paranoid but that comes with the territory. I get the same exact way. We tend to think others are always judging us when they may not be at all. I understand how yr meds make you very tired. It's hard to function like that hun. How long have you been married? People who are closest to you seem to have way too many expectations of you. Like they don't accept the fact that you have bp. Even medicated we can have symptoms. I'm well medicated and have just came out of a 2 month depression. Long enough for me to want to end all the suffering but sane enough to want to stay strong and be present here. Thankfully. You say you have no friends? Is it that you have no friends you can confide in with these issues? We're here for you. We really are. Yr husband is putting you through the ringer by saying things like "did you even care what you did to yr family last year". That is so unfair and hurtful! We don't need to hear that kind of crap. We just need love and understanding. Non judgments. Open minded. Realistic. I feel like you are being bombarded by all corners of yr life. I agree that meds would help you. It's too bad that geodon made you not sleep cause it is my miracle drug. It must be frustrating to be where yr at. I'm so sorry hunny. If you want to pm me please feel free to. I know what it feels like to be controlled. Be easy on yr self. Hugsxxxxx

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[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you. I know I make my husband out to be a bad person but he's not at all. Most of his refusal to understand comes from fear. His dad has BP 1. His dad tried to commit suicide by cop with him in the house when he was 13 - he threatened my husband and the cops with a shotgun. They didn't shoot him because thy knew him from the town emergency squad. Now he is off all medication and completely delusional. For example he thinks he talks to the state governor on the phone weekly and that te governor is goin to change the gun policy just for him. He also thinks the pope invited him to the Vatican for a personal session.

In august I had such a bad manic/mixed episode I could have easily died by my own hand. I hurt myself enough to need stitches in a place that could have been fatal if I kept going. So I understand why he's scared. But I wish he would understand that depression is not the end of the world and sometimes I just need him to tell me it's ok and it'll gt better, not scream at me and threaten to commit me.

I feel different today. Only time will tell what happens. I'm feeling less angry toward him. I'm still confused and still think it might be a trap but also think maybe not, which is an improvement. Thank you all for givin me perspective and letting me know that what I thought was happening may not really be happening. That's what I needed. Thanks all.