Big Polar/Addiction (updated daily)

Symptoms Returning

Im really bummed out because my paranoid symptoms are returning. Its hard for me to even write this because I feel like someone is watching or setting me up. I called a friend first as I was driving and I was convinced someone is following me or trying to take advantage of someone with a paranoid diagnoses. He told me that he wont talk to me anymore because all I come up is with scenarios that don't make sense because he doesn't have the brain that I do. He told me I've been coming up with the same **** for over 5 years. As for my family, they are just sick and tired of it but my mother thinks its substance abuse. She cannot accept that I have this paranoia, the addiction is no good either which I'm working on. I've been absent of all alcohol since November, no heroin, no pills, I do, however take xanax only when needed and subutex. I'm at the point where I wanna do opiates, so I rather take the subutex then put a needle in my arm. This doesn't bring on my paranoia, its always there. Its a condition that she can't even grasp and its really sad.

I sometimes do stupid **** and my addiction talks to me. So on the road driving I tend to look at license plates, sometimes if I feel like someone is following me which is probabky never, I'll pretend to take a pic of them. Its horrible, then today I accused my father about my phone, I also thought my uncle was spying on me because he has an HP computer and I use his old HP tablet. They don't understand that I can't just switch it off. It is debilitating. I called my therapist and I'm waiting for a call back.I really wish my family could just understand but they don't. So now my mom told me to just go and deal with it, but then she will get involved with the meds. Im very happy I posted today under my condition. Its almost like big polar but my mania is paranoia. I just tell myself its in gods hands. Anyone can take advantage of people being labeled mentally I'll. Here are some articles.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - Care Guide

Paranoid thoughts -read these a accounts of people with this condition.

[B]This is a serious condition. I was doing well, then you wake up and its there. Please if you have problems with any of these symptoms, please comment. All I have to do is wait it out. Before I got into a fight with my parents I should of said the quote, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, but every episode you learn a little more. I'm very thankful I can come here and talk about it.I went years being afraid to even write things down.

Write as much as you can to her about everything or even show her this thread .

The Bi Polar Trap

I read this article because I feel like my diagnoses is making me look selfish. I always had a big heart but the past 10 years I never show it. I'm always seeing the negative things rather then positive. I read the quote in this article about the bi polar trap.

Bipolar Disorder and Relationships | bphope

This is what I am dealing with. I expect too much from my mother sometimes and I'm really starting to see that, at times, my actions seem to be like attention seeking. Maybe I'm starting to really think about my life and my future. I'm overwhelmed with all this. My family doesn't understand what I'm going through. I drf need to go to therapy with them. In no way, am I looking for attention. I'm just miserable. Why am I not doing more for my father? What am I doing wrong to my mother? Why do I care now? Is it really me? How do I get over looking at other peoples lives instead of mine? How do you let go of your past? Why am I so hard on myself? Why don't I feel good even when I accomplish something? Why cant my mother ask me how I'm doing?

These are all questions I ask myself. Im sure they reply to someone not bi polar. Im starting to realize im 36 with no career, a sick father, a mother who doesnt trust me or want to be around me. A sister who really doesnt care about me. Im really starting to look at myself really hard and it hurts when I should have done it at 25. Its like I just want to have a relationship with my family instead of isolating and being miserable. Its all my guilt I can't get past. If I don't do it now I'm never gonna do anything in life. Hey maybe I might help someone by writing all this. It will make me understand the good things in life instead of the material things.

This site is helping so much

I'm very thankful for this site and the feedback. I can see the obsessive compulsion because I want the thread to look perfect. I want people to post because its attention I lack in real life. My mood swings cycling. I'm really happy its helping me in a way but it hurts because I should of done it sooner. I guess I'm desperate and I'm afraid.

How do you let go of your past? Try not to focus on what you could have/should have done congratulate yourself on doing stuff now. I don't have much to offer but you may enjoy

A lot of what you have said makes me think partial hospitalization may be a good option to "find yourself", get outside support, achieve your goals and make friends with others who understand. There is also nami groups and dbsa groups. You said you use to be an addict do you think your mom would be willing to go to alonon or a nami group for care gives?

You may want to post a paper on the refrige of symptoms and ways others can help. A lot of anger comes from others frustration from seeing love ones in pain but having no way to help or fix it. This is especially true for parents. You may want to complete a wrap form.

PS. I had a much longer post but the computer ate it.

New Medication

New medication added is Zoloft and I'm scared shirtless. I took my first dose tonight which is 25mg. I'm reading articles where people are having these bad reactions to this med. Like this.

Psychotic Episode From Zoloft - MedsChat - The People's Medicine Community

I'm actually feeling really good tonight. I mean I don't know how long it takes too work. Or if you feel it right away but I cannot take on another delusional state. I don't have it in me. My xanax is helping. I still take 2mg when needed and I never take over 4mg, it rarely comes to that. I really hope, for once in my life, Zoloft will help me. I took it in the past but I was drinking 15 beers a day and I wound up in the hospital. I'm asking myself, is it really worth it? Has anyone had positive effects from this medication. I'm very depressed and my worst symptom is paranoia. Has anyone taken it for paranoia? Did it help? I'm working really close with my therapist with this medication. I cannot afford another hospitalization, I will give up. I'm so aware I just can't see how my brain can just switch off into delusion, it had to be the beer. I have been episode free since November. I see my doctor on Thursday. He did prescribe it with abilify but I heard its expensive. I think I should be on a mood stabilizer with it but I'm not a doctor. I will see what he says on Thursday.

I am starting to understand my cycling. Especially without drinking I can feel when I'm gonna go into a depressed state, but tonight I feel pretty good. But tomorrow could suck, that's the struggle. I just wanna be stable all the time.

Labeling

I'm having a hard time with the whole labeling concept. My therapist told me not to worry about it at all. She told me not to be ignorant and fall into how society tends to label people struggling with issues. She's really cool and I trust her so thats important. I see her twice a weak and she's the first therapist I've been totally honest with. I really think I can beat this. I can't expect my family to cure me, I'm 36 and need to grow up and face this head on. And its hard. When your drinking you don't have to deal with these feelings because you self medicate and make them go away, but you only make it worse. If I can't do it now, I don't see much of a future for me.

Thanks for all the support

Anxiety vs Paranoia

Today I went to the store. I'm actually starting to get out much more. I was in the store waiting for something and I got hit with some anxiety. I felt uncomfortable, told myself to just breathe and I was able to get through it. Anxiety is tough but its not as bad as paranoia, in my opinion. Anxiety goes away, you can practice social anxiety. Paranoia is something like a chemical imbalance. It takes control of the person physically. I don't think the more I practice to conquer my paranoia , it will still be there. And nobody understands it accept for the person going through it

Like im using this site called moodtracker.com, kve been using it for like a month and today my mind told me that it was some fake site and someone is trying to track my moods. I have an old friend whoo knew someone who was really good with computers. So its like a simpke site anyone can probably design. Has anyone heard of it? Is it just me overthinking? Thats what people with paranoia do, its like being trapped in hell. Your always overthinking situations. My brain cant interpret situations and I hate it. I mean theres no cure. And my family just doesnt get it. They think its some kinda attention game. It makes me look like im trying to break my family up. I wish one day my family will say that they understand its just not addiction. Even writing this im trying to interpret iif someone else read it how they wluld label me.

Im a good person, with a good heart. I was never a fighter. I feel like I keep having to say this because my family just doesnt understand. My mother just cant say that. I mean I feel like they are scared of me. They only see my drug addiction, thats what sucks. They treat me like a drug addict more then someone with depression, trust issues, paranoia. Its really sad that adderall did this to me. If I can save one person from abusing that medication then I did something good.

Roger waters calling paranoids weak

http://m.youtube.com/results?q=run%2...ll%20live&sm=3

I think he's right. I can't seem to beat it. That's weakness. I'm trying as hard as I can.

No he's wrong. Paranoia is a real problem for people with some mental illnesses. Have you contacted your dr concerning how bad it is feeling to you? I think you should consider it. ((()))

So now I'm on Zoloft, the doctor wants me on 100 but I'm only taking 50. I'm working with my therapist. My paranoia is still there a little but I have been leaving the house and I'm actually starting to communicate with people. Maybe it was the isolation that really screwed me up. I feel like I have more energy, but I also am learning how my moods change. So I'm def bi polar and I guess my main worry is the delusion not coming back. I always talk to myself so its never me hearing things or seeing things. All I want to do is wait and see if it could of been the alcohol. I have been going to stores and have been feeling fine. Sometimes I have to take a xanax but I'm OK with that. I know its gonna get harder but I think I can beat it. Ii have set little goals for myself and so far I've achieved all of them. I'm praying that the Zoloft is good and won't send me into a delusion. Everyday is different so I keep a journal. SSO far no delusion or psychosis, just paranoia. That's the only symptom that's giving me problems. I hope I'm getting better and not worse. I'm sure working with a therapist things will get better. I have my fingers crossed. Thank you for all the support.

I'm glad you're feeling better

I know one thing for sure, and that is that isolation can really mess people up. I'mnot saying that occasional, even daily, solitude isn't good, but isolating from the world isn;t healthy in my experience.

How are you doing?

How you doing tryinghard973? how u b big polar?