Delusions

So as always in my quest for knowledge and understanding I began thinking about delusions today. I did some cursory web research and found that delusions can also be mild or severe, or so it seems.

My question to all of you is did you recognize that your thoughts were irrational at the time of your delusion? Or did you not realize it until later, if ever? Did other people tell you your thoughts were sounding strange?

Generally I don't share my suffering with anyone so no one can tell me when I'm thinking strangely. I think every time I have experience delusions I still knew somewhere in my brain that what I was thinking wasn't normal and most people don't think the same way. Like when I was manic a few times I thought I had special healing powers and just my presence and words could heal emotional pain. I thought I could write inspirational essays except I never could do an a sentence before being distracted. I knew that what I as thinking was weird but I still believed it.

During a bad AD-induced mixed episode I thought that someone was controlling my thoughts and planting thoughts in my head. At the time I knew that was irrational and it actually scared me more because I knew how crazy it sounded.

When I'm severely depressed I believe that everyone I meet/talk to is thinking about how much they hate me. I think my coworkers are talking with each other when I leave about how awful I am. I think my friends are talking about me and talking about how self-centered and horrible I am. When that happens I believe it without a doubt no matter how much I am assured otherwise. It's not until I'm out of the episode that I think I was (probably) wrong.

Right now I am in a strange state. I posted about how I thought my brain was tying to hurt me, which I know sounds crazy, but it's not crazy to me because I just can't adequately explain what I mean. I also believe that my husband is using my medication to control me. Not like he can mind control me with it, just that he wants me to be and act a certain way and he wants me to be medicated so I can be a robotic stepford wife to make him happy at my own expense. But I don't think this is a delusion though. I think this is just how I feel. And it's the truth. I know I'm right. I mean I know that's what's going on and I resent him for it.

So do you all notice and recognize your delusions?

ps - I had a much Better day today, less intense thoughts, so we'll see how it goes. I still feel that way about hubby though.

I never have a clue until wayyy after the fact, my thoughts and feelings seem completely logical.

Once upon a time nearly 3 years ago, I told my bf I knew he was going to meet a beautiful strange woman while exiting his work place. He would fall madly inlove with her and ask me to be his best man at their wedding

To make matters worse, yes worse, because we split up!
I textually abused the poor man for 2 weeks, spewing vile venomous filth about how he's just been using me until the day he meets this lady.

He stopped replying (duh) and then one day I sent him a good morning message and didn't understand why he was ignoring me

I went through my text history and got the rudest awakening ever...

I knew I was mad at him, but had forgotten why, I knew I had been "rude" but didn't grasp the level of malice I flung at him...

Not until I read through all those messages.

I felt scared and ashamed and didn't blame him for jumping ship one bit.

He eventually came back though and we patched things up.

Thank goodness this is a rare occurrence in my bp experience

My question to all of you is did you recognize that your thoughts were irrational at the time of your delusion? a lot of time I do know but I'm to paranoid to say anything.

I knew that what I as thinking was weird but I still believed it. That's generally how I am.

Or did you not realize it until later, if ever? some times I don't recognize it until my T asks if I realize that's a bazaar thought.

When I'm severely depressed I believe that everyone I meet/talk to is thinking about how much they hate me. I think my coworkers are talking with each other when I leave about how awful I am. I think my friends are talking about me and talking about how self-centered and horrible I am. When that happens I believe it without a doubt no matter how much I am assured otherwise. It's not until I'm out of the episode that I think I was (probably) wrong. I do that too.

Did other people tell you your thoughts were sounding strange? I tell my therapist through writing and my husband if I'm not paranoid of him. If I'm paranoid and scared I usually cut. I usually tell my husband something like "by the way your completely against me and forcing medication on me." His answer usually is " I love you, I'm not, do you want your PRN yet? Is there anyway I can prove you wrong?"

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Added

Be very carful I lost two 13 yr friendships, damaged my relationships with all my family members, and almost ended up hospitalized

I do remember one episode that I will never forget.

I once thought a friend of mine and I should start a company that would change how big businesses operates, for them to be more effective and successful, for we knew exactly how to make this happen, how to enlighten the executives on how to run their company in a big way. We would be the gurus that could make this happen.

Keep in mind that I has not a clue as to how companies are run, and I did not understand anything that remotely had to do with this great, wonderful plan of mine. I also was terrible with understanding corporate politics. But I still believed in this idea of mine and did not realize what I was saying was preposterous. My therapist later told me I was throwing out far fetched ideas. I was not acting myself. Then she chuckled a little bit.

Maybe not an example of outright mania, but perhaps hypomania.

Hmm. Well, I usually recognize that my delusional thought is suspicious (something is odd about the thought), but it's the being unsure that is the red flag for me. If I'm sure about something it's okay. If I'm not sure what's-what that's when I feel like I need help.

I recognise to other people it might sound strange but it feels real to me. Sometimes demons are defintely watching me, there are cameras in my plug sockets, and people can be taken over by demons, my thoughts can be read etc. Other times I'm aware this sounds strange but it doesn't make it any less real, if that makes sense. Oddly enough unless I think I can talk to God, my worst delusional states have been when my mood was pretty stable. There's normally ones that are persistant, the plug sockets which I like to keep taped up just incase, whereas the feeling watched/thought reading isn't. When I'm hypomanic I think I can talk to God, and when I'm depressed I just feel paranoid that I'm going to let everyone down, I'm a horrible person, I need to suffer etc.

I generally have no clue. Everything I say and do seems logical at the time.

So I now worry all the time about my thoughts, and things I say. I fear being irrational - and yet I am sure that a lot of the time, I am irrational!

I generally do not think my thoughts are irrational but I know others will think so and don't share. Sometimes I have no idea though so I can't help but share my beliefs like believing God is talking to me or believing the Holy Spirit likes water and would leave if I didn't drink gallons a day. My husband knew about those things because I didn't know enough to hide them. He thought they were insane. Plus, I thought the Holy Spirit was casting out demons through me and I thought that all of my prayers would be answered so I was laying my hands on people to pray for them. When my grandmother was on her deathbed I believed the Holy Spirit had me pray for her to die and be with the Lord so I did. When she died a week later, I thought it was because of my prayers. Sometimes I still do. That is scary.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I like hearing other people's perspectives.
It helps me understand my own head better.

I had no clue I was delusional until I left hospital (without finishing my treatment) and went to a new doctor who said in an angry way that I was not the center of the world. It was striking. I was thinking I was influencing the world politics through my posts on internet and that the television spoke both to me and about me and I had cameras everywhere watching me. Then I woke up, I don't know if as a result of some medication I was forced at the hospital. Most the time I threw away the meds when the nurses weren't watching. But since I realised how crazy I was I've been perfectly normal and taking meds. While in hospital although no one, even a nurse, understood what I was doing there since I seemed perfectly normal. I kept quiet about my weird ideas knowing they would think I was crazy and I would never left there. But my family knew how bad I was and also everyone who read my posts on the internet. Mostly everyone on my Fb contact list o.O

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