coping with chronic suicidal ideation

I am hoping to gain advice from those who maybe have dealt with this. I currently go through both long and drawn out episodes as well as fleeting moments of ideation. My therapist tells me this is something I will most likely have to deal with my entire life. Ive done my best to cope but it is hard. Granted things are worse in a depressive phase but even when thing are going good I have strong impulses to destruct.

and, While I happen to think she is probably right... I feel like I am staring at a massive wall that seems impossible to climb over.

I feel really stuck, and I really want to live a good life even though part of me is trying to hold me back. How does one cope and overcome this?

I struggle with this too. When I attempted, I made a promise to my sister that I would never go through with it. She told me how it's selfish, and loved ones suffer so much after. That really changed my perspective . You have to find a reason for living . Easier said than done, I know!
I hope that you have loved ones who are supportive. If you ever need to talk, send me a PM!

They told me during my last hospitalization that I might have to deal with chronic suicidal ideation for the rest of my life. I disagree about suicide being selfish, though. Why would you want to call someone in so much pain that the only way out they can see is to take themselves permanently out of the game, selfish? To be honest, if someone were to call me selfish for being suicidal, I'd likely never be able to talk to them again.

I didn't choose to feel like this. You can't blame yourself.

In my good times, the thoughts feel neutral, almost like I'm just making plans for later. In my bad times, it feels like something I need to carry out immediately. Usually I will call the mobile crisis unit or go to the hospital when I'm in this spot.

But the bad times always leave, and you can learn to live with the good times.

Believe me, I HAVE a reason for living. Doesn't stop the thoughts. But hell, I haven't done it yet, and when times are good, or even neutral, life is just what it is, and I can live with that.

I think people who have never been suicid can't see it as anything but selfish. Because I don't know about anyone else, but when things are bad enough that I would seriously consider it I also believe that I'm doing everyone a favor because I am such a disgusting, horrible person they are better off without me.

The only thing that changed my perspective on this was when I was in IOP. I had become close to one of the group members because he had bipolar and understood exactly where I was coming from. Anyway I came in one day and asked him how he was doing and he told me his son had committed suicide two days ago. He shared the whole story and all his emotions and I saw that it absolutely destroyed him. I would never kill myself now because I have seen first hand what it does.

However if I get delusional enough like I said I believe others want me to anyway.

I think it's always something I'll deal with too. Just like the self injury urges. I mean I'll have a perfectly fine day, happy, great times, and out of nowhere I think I should just die. Or hurt myself. It sucks but I've kind of just accepted it. What's the DBT term? Radical acceptance.

I'm sorry I can't help more :-(

Yea my sister, ruthlessly critizised me for being selfish and not thinking of anyone else. The first time I was in the hospital...It made me feel even worse, I knew she was trying to speak sense into me but support would of been better. I am not sure if I ever told her of my attempt. I was a bit psychotic at the time and had no rational thought what so ever which made it that much worse.

Thank you guys for talking on this subject, I know it is hard but it means a lot to have someone to talk to about it. I think you are right theaterkid, I do my best to keep others informed incase I need to go to the hospital. I just hate being a burden and having to bring my personal issues around.

I agree with this. I honestly don't think people can understand it unless they've been there too.

I had ideations for several years, then I had a 10 year stretch symptom free. When a major episode hit me after that 10 years, I again had ideations. The best thing is to continually talk to your therapist, doctor, and in a group if you end up in a partial hospital program. The partial program can be very helpful if you are stuck. Talk to your Pdoc about it. The more you talk out your thoughts and feelings, the less hold they have on you. Eventually, mine faded out completely. Don't get discouraged. No doctor or therapist can predict the future. The more you believe you will reach of point of remission, the more likely it will happen.

I will look into this, thank you much

I too experience this, but luckily I have been able to determine when I am at risk, so that I know when I am in crisis mode or not. A scale has also helped me to keep track of the riskiness of my ideation.

It constantly simmers on the back burner of a stove somewhere in the back of my mind and I don't really give it too much thought or attention. However, when it gets bumped up to one of the front burners of the stove and the heat and intensity become so great that I fear I may act on it, I go and check myself into the hospital until it passes.