I'm on a negative cycle, and on 6/4 it'll be 10 months since it started. How I continue to make it, day after day, is beyond me. Just want this depressive episode to end. I wonder if this is really a depressive phase because I have bipolar, or if it's actually MDD. Either way, it's no fun at all. In fact, I hate it.

newgal2 my depressive episodes have been known to last that long too. It sucks, but the nature of the beast unfortunately.

Im doing well. Looking after my 17 year old dog today at my parents house. Get to have good internet. Im thinking of going to see if I can get my haircut today, but money is really tight since I havent been paid from work nor got any of my medicare back that I was supposed to. That really pisses me off because I asked for a reciept so I could claim it myself but they insisted it would go straight into my account. And it hasnt, from now 5 therapy appointments and 3 psychiatrist appointments, that is over $1000 owed to me and I have a boatload of bills to pay this week. Just more stress to ring up and try to fix it all now. So annoying.

Rumination has already started today. I cant pick why some days it is worse than others besides blaming it on hormones. That is frustrating as I like to challenge myself and I cant really challenge hormones...

Big day at work tomorrow, but I am looking forward to it. I really need to ride my horse but its been so hard to keep myself stable as well as push myself to do even more, one thing at a time. I hope the riding will come back to me when my hormones level out.

[tigersassy]

Pdoc appt went ok. He wound up upping my viibryd to 40mg and stay on plan with the lamictal start 100 tonight. He's still on call if I need him until the 31 then I'll have a new Dr. I have tomorrow off the last day of my 4day weekend. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Not really looking forward to going back, but I miss a bit. Enjoying my new phone. Feel like crying randomly still.

Tig

[Curiosity77]

I wanted to challenge my thoughts and patterns with something extreme, so I took some LSD last night. I took it be myself, and I just wanted to meditate and draw or write. Unfortunately my Saphris blocked out most of the effects. It was still beneficial because I was able to analyze my patterns, the things I am stuck on, and start to let some things go. I need to take some days off meds first if I do it again. I know this kind of thing is risky, but I like the change of perspective and insight it brings me. Today I just went for a bike ride by the ocean. Keeping it low key.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I wanted to challenge my thoughts and patterns with something extreme, so I took some LSD last night. I took it be myself, and I just wanted to meditate and draw or write. Unfortunately my Saphris blocked out most of the effects. It was still beneficial because I was able to analyze my patterns, the things I am stuck on, and start to let some things go. I need to take some days off meds first if I do it again. I know this kind of thing is risky, but I like the change of perspective and insight it brings me. Today I just went for a bike ride by the ocean. Keeping it low key.

LSD triggers me into psychotic mania sometimes... I can't really touch that stuff ever again...


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[Skitz13]

Not doing well. Haven't been for 4 days now. My moods are all over the place, like really bad. I'm totally worn out. I can't keep up with the moods. This has never happened to me before. I feel like I'm out of control and somehow losing touch with reality at times. I'm so scared and feel really alone

[ManicIcarus]

Heya everyone. Doing pretty good lately. Haven't been on in a while. School had most of my attention. Yay summer break. Hope everyone is doing well.

[Roblovescats]

When will this day ever end?

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[Standup2me]

Seeing my therapist today.

I think that she is kind of useless, but I will give her another try

[Notnrml85]

Read this in an article today and I like it
"...believing that unfettered genius is preferable to medicated mediocrity (Vincent Van Gogh, a suicide victim, being her favorite example of this)."

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[r010159]

I fell off of the "live within a budget" wagon. I did try to minimize the damage done to my credit card. I am experiencing the agitation and depression that I have early in the morning that improves as the day progresses.

[tigersassy]

I feel completely overwhelmed. My emotions are the rulers of my life when I'm in an episode. I hate this. I've been in a depressed episode for weeks now, and things just keep adding to it. Now I'm mad but want curl up and cry. There's too much in my head. Why can't I just regulate my moods like a normal person? 😥

Tig

[swheaton]

Dealing with a lot of anxiety and lack of sleep.

[Curiosity77]

I've been getting weird foot movements, or the need to move them, really badly today. I think it may be akithesia. I don't really want a med change. Other than that it was a good day.

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Having some insomnia problems this week. If it keeps up for another week or so I will call my doctor about it. Outside of that it has been a good day.

[Notnrml85]

I feel overly motivated, almost compulsively driven, to make chore lists, Weekly menus, grocery lists (yeah 'lists' plural) & wash every piece of laundry in my home today... but I also feel physically tired, disliked by everyone and misunderstood today.

Yeah, I'm def. still mixed :/

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[Hbomb0903]

Meeting with a new therapist tomorrow. I have high hopes that she and I will connect. The one I met with last week definitely didn't and she couldn't get me in for 3 more weeks because she is so "booked". I'm tired of feeling flat, emotionless and unmotivated. Hoping my new meds kick in soon and lift me up a bit.

Been questioning how much of our mood fluctuations we influence, as opposed to what we can influence with meds. I'm so confused on this and just want to feel like life is worth it again. Right now I'm saying **** it all the time because it just keeps coming back to this **** feeling that makes me basically a fragment of what I consider myself.

So yeah... I'm over it.

[Moreta]

i feel really depressed. my job ends next friday, then i have to find a new job. I'm really worried about our money situation.

Good today, enough energy, but still didnt get out to ride.

Having a few issues at work with people giving me wrong numbers or generally wasting my time saying they will turn up then not bother. Its frustrating but not causing any mood or anxiety issues.

Im looking into studying psychology but dont know where to start. I dont know who to go to for help either. No one I know can help me. I want to get my life moving forward again.

[Notnrml85]

Still completely mixed and I am seriously suicidal today. My husband stayed home from work today to "babysit" me.

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[rchagoya]

I find myself surrounded by a lot of depressed friends right now. I am feeling surprisingly well and upbeat about my life, but it's hard to deal when all of them are reaching out to me for help. I know that I should know how to deal with it better than any of them, but I also know that when I'm depressed all the small sympathies people offers seem so worthless. I am doing all I can to help them, though just by letting them know I am here for them when they need me.

[charo224488]

Had emergency gall bladder surgery Saturday- spent the weekend in the hospital. Home now, alone, can't work or drive or sleep. So depressed today- trying to wean off the percocet but in great pain. I think the percocet is making my mental state worse.

[tigersassy]

I'm pushing myself to hard right now. I'm taking on so much at work but I'm unable to manage it. My wife is worried that I'm going to break mentally. I can't say that I blame her. I am staring to wonder the same thing. I can't say no. If I do say no it causes my current depression to become near unbearable. I feel a crushing sense of anxiety from this inability to say no to bosses at work. But what can I do? I want to make this end..... erg.

Tig

[Moreta]

Still feel depressed. I have choir practice tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. I don't feel like being around people.

[Curiosity77]

I am so anxious right now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm on a drug monitoring program for work, and I accidentally missed a screen. Total accident. So they suspended me indefinitely, and sent me for a test today, which they will review and decide what happens next. I'm freaking out because I also accidentally ate a salad with poppy seed encrusted feta on Monday evening, and it didn't occur to me until after I ate it. Poppy seeds can test false positive for opiates. I didn't report it because it was a small amount, so I didn't think it was worth mentioning, but under the circumstances I am freaking out because they won't believe me that it was just poppy seeds.

Feel like throwing up, and crying. I really don't want to be forced off work again. I've only just got my career back on track, and now this. I'm such an idiot.