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#676
Jun 18, 2014, 10:27 PM
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None of my family have a clue as to who I really am. Even the few close friends I do have, they really don't know me. I think the only person I'm myself around is my husband & that's cause I have very little-to-no fear that he will not accept me for who I truly am, not just the version of myself I present to the world. I kinda feel like that Chuck Palahniuk line from Invisible Monsters: "if I can't be beautiful, then I want to be invisible." I might have paraphrased the quote, but who cares. It applies to me because if I don't have praise and positive reinforcement & people telling me I'm a good person, then I tend to prefer to just be invisible. I'd rather be alone on this earth than have to hear one more criticism or dig at me. No matter what people know about you, they only know what you are willing to show & sometimes it's best not to show them anything. That's how I'd like to feel sometimes. Invisible. Just everyone walk right by me and don't say a word. Don't even glance in my direction. Don't offer your advice. I want to to somewhere by myself & be able to enjoy San Diego w/every person within a few yards of me has to look my way & smile or even worse, try to start a conversation. I'm very antisocial today. And this was just another rant I guess. Sorry for anyone who had to go through the bore of reading this post.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"I would say any behavior that is not the status quo is interpreted as insanity, when, in fact, it might actually be enlightenment. Insanity is sorta in the eye of the beholder." - Chuck Palahniuk |
 Curiosity77
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#677
Jun 18, 2014, 11:02 PM
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I think I know what you're saying. We need more positive, inspirational, and uplifting influences. People with a conscience will beat themselves up bad enough for their mistakes and shortcomings.
I can be critical sometimes of people, but I absolutely try to refrain from doing it face to face. Tony Dungy was a PRIME example of positive leadership. |
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#678
Jun 18, 2014, 11:51 PM
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So this is my first check in here. I just registered on this site today. Unfortunately I am feeling pretty depressed today, slept for about 12 hours today and missed my early morning dual diagnosis group which makes me feel worse. It will be interesting to see when I am eventually put on medication how it will affect me. I will say it was nice that after posting my intro I received a friendly pm with hugs, that sadly I cannot respond to yet but will ASAP. I won't go into too much more right now or else I will wind up posting a novella..again.
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 charo224488
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#679
Jun 19, 2014, 01:30 AM
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Confession: I haven't been reading yours. I have needed a break from "being bipolar" and stayed off here. You have all been a great support but I've needed to just move on and forget for awhile about my illness. I feel ok right now even though I know I have some bad things going on in my mind... I can deal with it. I get too emotional reading about others' problems that are so familiar... I need to detach I guess ... Not think about it all and just live...... For better or worse
Love you ALL! Big hugs ... Be tough Sent from dark side of the moon |
| bumble2u, charo224488
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| Hbomb0903
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#680
Jun 19, 2014, 09:40 AM
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It is pouring rain. The clouds are weeping
It is so sad |
| bumble2u
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#682
Jun 19, 2014, 03:09 PM
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I'm still adjusting to the sleepiness associated with the Latuda. I tried drinking some white tea for a little bit of caffeine to help, even though I'm not suppose to be on any caffeine. I didn't know what else to do and my doctor is on vacation. I do feel at peace being on the Latuda, not like the mixed episode I was going thru before. I go back to work on Monday and I am nervous about it, but on the other hand I'm going crazy being home alone all day. I've been trying to read lately and read quite a bit today so far on a book about Bipolar from an author who has bipolar. It is very interesting. I enjoyed the chapter about loved ones that live with individuals with bipolar. It opened up my eyes about what my husband and sister go thru with me.
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#683
Jun 19, 2014, 04:52 PM
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Well. I am sitting out back smoking a pipe. I like my nicotine better than my caffeine. I have kept active some. My daughter on summer break is asking me what I want to do. I just do not know. We had a mile shake together.
The end
__________________
Bipolar II and GAD Venlafaxine, Lamotragine, Buspirone, Risperidone |
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#684
Jun 19, 2014, 06:14 PM
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How do I find me when I feel lost? The words fly past my hand as I reach out to grab what I want to say. They dance just out of reach teasing me with their elusive maneuvering. Suddenly snap into focus everything is clear. Clear as crystal. They speak of lies and false truths whispering to me telling me trust no one. They are me or am I them or are they from another them? I see the distance closing. The thoughts and words race round like water being flushed down the toilet quicker and quicker the closer to me they get. Reach out and grab one word one word to focus on its the same word every time. Believe. Believe who them, me. Believe in philosophies or religion. Then I see the butterflies fluttering round on the wild breeze. Believe that in order to fly in order to be free like the butterflies you have to live through your hell. Think about what a butterfly goes through before it becomes beautiful and free.
Sorry for the ramble this is what is in my head. I'm over this confusion. I want clarity. Tig
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin  |
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#685
Jun 20, 2014, 12:39 AM
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I have had a crazy day. It's actually tomorrow and just wrapping it up. I feel different and that is a good thing
P doc aptt at one tomorrow. Goodnight. Sent from my XT1028 using Tapatalk
__________________
Bipolar II - ADHD ~A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?~ Albert Einstein |
| Skitz13
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| Skitz13
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#686
Jun 20, 2014, 01:03 AM
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Going alright today. Had a bit of a block all day. Work was easy but then I came home and couldnt move again. So I had a cup of tea and did some meditation. I just had lunch and then felt so stuck. Like I could NOT move. So I had a sip of weed... now I feel like I can move again and go out and do things... once the initial bit wears off of course. I feel guilty for doing it, but I just could not force myself to do anything. This just gave me a little helping hand. I bloody well hope I get what else I need to get done today and do not just pike on it all after the next activity. Keep on keeping on!
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#687
Jun 20, 2014, 01:43 AM
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Had a good talk with the guy i have been dating for a few weeks today. He asked me why i don't drink, and i told him the answer is a long story and might freak him out, and he wanted to hear. So I told him about my mixed episode that landed me in hospital a couple years ago, and how that lead to me getting suspended at work and put on a mental health and sobriety monitoring program. It's a complicated story because i was forced to go to rehab after doing drugs for 3 days as a semi sui-attempt. I explained more about what lead up to that, and what a mixed state means. He said he wasn't freaked out, and he asked a few questions about it, which i answered honestly. After the conversation we went out to dinner, and it was good, and he asked me to see a band play with him on Saturday. So now I don't have this big secret. I have been worrying about when and how to tell him, and now it's done, and he still wants to hang out. This is a very good sign!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
| Anonymous45023, Fishymoon
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| pawn78, Phoenix_1, tigersassy
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#688
Jun 20, 2014, 03:31 AM
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Well it's 4:30 am. Slept as much as I possibly can. Going to lay low today. Do nothing. I have no appts, no plans, so today I'm just going to "be." Hopefully that will help. Nothing to trigger me just quiet time.
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
| Fishymoon
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#689
Jun 20, 2014, 03:53 AM
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Thursday was a so-so day. I got into a snit on our way to the store and had to get over it. It took supreme effort and standing up for myself which I did. Then tonight my emotions piled up on me: sadness, grief, anxiety, worry, fear, tension. A big deep abyss. Finally after suffering for 3-4 hours I took a valerian and it made me mellow right out. Now I even feel happy.
I struggled with my eating disorder tonight too. Sucks. Need to sleep soon.
__________________
Remember LOVE. 
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#690
Jun 20, 2014, 09:36 AM
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Holy Freaking Hypo Batman....last night I got home and was FLYING!!! I made dinner, did laundry (I never do that, my does), was talking a mile a minute....I was "on fire"! and I am still feeling it today...though now I am "on fire" and tired....
 Didn't sleep all that awesome, except until just before I had to get up...then I didn't want to get up....bah!
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#691
Jun 20, 2014, 11:26 AM
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I like Fridays ay work.
Everyone is in such a good mood |
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#692
Jun 20, 2014, 12:16 PM
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Today is the calm after yesterday's storm. A welcomed break. The Latuda is making me someone sedated, slept great. Coupled with the acupuncture for stress/anxiety and smoking life is a little better today.
Just chillin, cleaning a little, listening to my tunes and playing with my cat, nothin heavy today.
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
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#693
Jun 20, 2014, 02:58 PM
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I've been doing good mood wise on the latuda except last I was very irritated but you can't always blame that on the bipolar. Right now I feel calm, but bored I'm on med leave but go back to work on Monday. Im actually almost finished with a book right now. I never can read because I can't focus or sit still, yay me!!! Ok back to reading now.
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#694
Jun 20, 2014, 10:33 PM
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I had dinner with the woman I consider my second mother tonight. She lives out of town and I haven't seen her since Christmas. I was going to tell her everything - how depressed I've been and how I'm really scared I have an ED but feel so trapped. When she saw me, she hugged me and told me she was proud of the weight I lost. That was it. It was like I was 12 years old again. I couldn't tell her after that. She said she was proud. I couldn't disappoint her. What the crap is wrong with me? I'm a grown woman, for God's sake! Pathetic.
__________________
"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between." Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath |
| Anonymous45023, charo224488
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#695
Jun 21, 2014, 01:08 AM
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Today my work went kayaking for a staff retreat day, and then to one of the team doctor's place for a bbq. I hung out pretty late, getting to know some coworkers outside of work. I am so lucky to have my job.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
| Skitz13
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#696
Jun 21, 2014, 05:15 AM
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I survived. I didn't loose my cool. I managed to keep my stress levels managable. I didnt do much. But it was good.
Sent from my GT-I9305 using Tapatalk
__________________
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes"  Success and failure are two of many words we get to define, not society. Our success depends on definition and intentions, not actions |
| Skitz13
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#697
Jun 21, 2014, 06:57 AM
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Today I'm going to keep positive that it will be a good day. The sun is shinning. I'm going to take a long walk this morning. Try and stay chilled. Maybe watch one of my favorite movies. Bridges of Madison County.
Other than that, just go with the flow
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
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#698
Jun 21, 2014, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
| Blitter2014
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#699
Jun 21, 2014, 07:21 AM
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Im ready for sleep!
Sent from my GT-I9305 using Tapatalk
__________________
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes" Success and failure are two of many words we get to define, not society. Our success depends on definition and intentions, not actions |
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#700
Jun 21, 2014, 07:41 AM
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Quote:
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
| Closed Thread |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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