[wildflowerchild25]

Trauma is a bit of a strong word but I was triggered into a panic attack today so I suppose it's the right one. I'm wondering if any of you have had a psychotic break and then been traumatized (still too strong of a word but whatever). I had to go to the medical doctor today and I got nervous as soon as I pulled up because the parking lot looked like it had an ambulance bay. The farther I got in the visit the worse it got. When I was stuck in the tiny exam room I freaked. I kept it under control for the most part by closing my eyes so I couldn't see anything that looked hospital like. When the exam was over I booked it, didn't even stop at the desk for a follow up appt.

All I could think about was the last time I was in the emergency room. And it's like I relived the psychosis through flashback. I thought they were going to be able to see right through me and commit me (even though I am not commitable at this point). Then I thought if this doctor is a man I'm gonna jet because a man could hurt me easier than a woman. Just like the ER trip.

I had to tell myself to just calm down because it's not real and I'm safe now. But my brain was screaming it at me. And I'm still upset now but at least I can tell it wasn't real and I'm not becoming psychotic again.

I had psychosis back in august when I abused Prozac. I had convinced myself it was med induced so it didn't count. But as some of you may remember I was a paranoid mess a month ago and that was all on my own, no drugs to induce it.

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with this and how serious my condition really is. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. The abject terror I felt those days paralyzed me. And I don't want to go back there.

Has anyone had a really hard time after a psychotic break just remembering it? Trauma response sounds so silly but I had a legit flashback and I don't know how else to phrase it.

Anyone? I don't have IOP tonight so I can't talk about this with my therapist. No one else except maybe some of you could even begin to understand.

On another note my recovering addict husband is pushing for ECT again. That's terrifying in its own right.

[Curiosity77]

I haven't had psychosis, but i was traumatized by getting certified and held involuntarily. When i think about the state i was in at the time it totally scares me, because i was so far over the edge and i worry that i could end up back there. I couldn't keep that from happening then, so i worry that it could happen again.

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I was traumatised from being sectioned and given ECT against my wishes, and I have flashbacks of that. The thought of losing control of myself and lacking insight into my suicidal intent is also scary, and there's fear of that happening again. I definitely think that psychosis can be traumatising: I mean if you can't trust your own brain, what/who can you trust?!

I hope that your T can help you work through this.

*Willow*

[wildflowerchild25]

I totally agree with both of you. I'm still having trouble reconciling the fact that my own brain turned on me and told me things that were not real but they seemed absolutely real to me. I was SURE the doctor was calling DCPP to take my son away. And I was positive that someone was trying to get me to kill myself. And I was so sure that everyone could read or hear my thoughts and they were all making fun of me.

And none of that was real.

I feel now that I have to keep explaining and reliving and going over the episode in my mind. And that I feel like I can never be among "normal" people because they don't know what I went through. And I can't tell them because people are scared of the word psychotic. I wish I could tell people just to get it out of me but I'm limited. That's why I come here

[Victoria'smom]

I thought they were going to be able to see right through me and commit me (even though I am not commitable at this point I have this feeling a lot when I go to doctors. I think T knows how well I'm doing by that.

But T says I have trauma from my psychosis: Before I got help I shrugged it off as "eh, that's me" because my siblings are the same. Except for one of the times where I was a danger to others for a couple of months. Its been 16 yes and I still shiver at that time of my life. After 3 yrs of therapy, if I realizes I'm being irrational I'll flip into " omg, omg, omg its happening again" usually my first response is to run and tell my husband, then cry. That's why when I was paranoid of him it was so bad for both of us.

[nummy]

I have been exactly where you are. IOP will help but the thing that helped me was meds, it was like ice on a sprained brain.

I do believe you can have trauma from psychosis--of course! But is it possible that you are reliving and it's PTSD from an earlier experience? That and meds n therapy if course helped my PTSD, but yea, it was hard to differentiate one from the other. The trauma really is bad, as yiu know.

I hated my own dang brain sooo much for falling for the fear, but that's life. I have bipolar and my brain literally couldn't do its job, meds helped--but yea, it plumb wore me out. It's humiliating as hell. I was delusional in my thinking, jumping to all sorts of conclusions. You aren't alone, thank God we both got help. What an eye opening experience. Sheesh!!! I'd rather break my leg skiing, thank you!! ;-)

Things WILL get easier. Your brain literally got a boo-boo. Give it time.

Like others on this thread I have experienced trauma from involuntary admissions. For years I displayed PTSD symptoms in relation to being locked up. I feel like I am getting past that now, but I will react with anger out of fear of being put in that same position again. I got quite nasty with the nurses last hospital admission a few months back as they threatened to send me "somewhere that I would be safer". Bastards. But besides that I havent had many other issues this year. It took me a long time to get over the trauma though.

[venusss]

I always have a theory that a bipolar episode has potential of creating mild PTSD because our mind goes out of the comfort zone. We remember the episodes on some level and there is prevalent fear it might happen again,that often prevents us from... living to the fullest.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I always have a theory that a bipolar episode has potential of creating mild PTSD because our mind goes out of the comfort zone. We remember the episodes on some level and there is prevalent fear it might happen again,that often prevents us from... living to the fullest.

I was going to post the same idea that Venus posted, I feel like I have PTSD from the times in which I've had overwhelming psych symptoms.

[junkDNA]

i feel traumatized after a psychotic break. one time i almost killed myself just becvause the voices were telling me to. i believe psychosis can be traumatizing

[Marshellette]

Get your medical records and will in order so a "recovering addict" does not have control of you. And trauma is a fine word to use, it sounds as if you were terrified.

[Marshellette]

Get your medical records in order so a "recovering addict" does not have control over your person. And "trauma" is a fine word to use, it sounds horrible, trauma will do. Sometimes we go to the ER for help and only find harm.

[wildflowerchild25]

No really he is in NA going every day but he is still early in his recovery.

Thanks for everyone's input it's nice to know I'm not alone. Had another panic moment at school when a student said something about being paranoid. Almost spilled the beans to a ****ing teenager I'm so on edge.

In other news it's not possible for a television to speak to me, right? I heard "come off methadone and you won't be sick" in the middle of a car commercial. That can't be right? I feel like it's a message to me about my husband but I dunno if it's good or bad.

And I'm pretty sure it's not even possible. But I heard it so clearly. This on the heels of a panic attack upon arriving home and everyone I thought would be there is gone. And my husband left his phone. Turns out he just went to the store but I thought someone was dead.

Christ I am a ****ing mess.

But it has to get better. I just need to talk in group and with the therapist so I can get this **** out of me.

Thanks again everyone I am so glad you all understand.

[Curiosity77]

No, tv can't talk to you. Big hugs!

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[Victoria'smom]

No it can't please start doing reality checks

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks MM and curiosity I know that it can't I just wanted to make sure. I don't know why I heard what I heard but I dot think it was real.

This is why I'm traumatized. My brain can manufacture things that don't make any real sense. Apparently even on 180mg of geodon.

Thanks for being my reality checkers until I feel more comfortable talking to someone IRL. I really do appreciate it.

I believe or at least consider the possibility that paranormal events occur. I am absolutely sure, however, that no TV talks to a specific person.

btw, I love your sig: "Sit back, take a breath, from your gut not your chest, and realize that you're ok.
-The Expendables"

It's really helpful.

[Desafinado]

Yea I've had quite a few 'triggered moments', little, otherwise inconsequential things that send me into something of a panic attack and a few hours of mild paranoia.

I've found that over time my mind has gotten more resistant to stuff like this .. but a part of that might be due to the fact that I tend to avoid situations that lead to triggering.