[supernaught16]

Im going through a lot with my bipolar ex gf.. We were supposed to get married in a month but, whatever.

My friend told me that, he has experience of putting people through BP like she is to me. My friend sad that, BP's live with a lot of regret and wish they could change things but can't... They also feel if someone leaves them then it's typical for BP's to just let them go even if it hurts bc they dont want them to get hurt and they know its their fault for what they are doing and as much as it hurts them that the person left, they live with it because they know it's best for the other person. Is it really like that???

[TheatreKid]

I've never had a romantic relationship fail because of bipolar, but I've lost a couple of friendships, and I let them go - I tend to blame myself and it hurts too much so I cut the ties.

I wouldn't say I live with it because I know it's best for the other person. I still have enough self worth to realize that friendships are two ways and I deserve decent friendships as much as the other person, but I live with it because if this person doesn't want to be there for me in my worst moments, nothing I can do will force that.

I used to blame myself for everything, but that just made me a miserable person. Now I realize that it takes two to tango, and not everyone can dance.

[supernaught16]

Yea, I def lost this romantic relationship due to BP. She just got to comfortable with her illness, saying real medication doesnt do anything so she drinks as medication and will die drunk. She is serious.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by supernaught16

Yea, I def lost this romantic relationship due to BP. She just got to comfortable with her illness, saying real medication doesnt do anything so she drinks as medication and will die drunk. She is serious.

I would say she got sick of trying from what you are describing. I don't think there's much to be comfortable about with this illness. It sounds like you want to contact her. Why don't you try and she where she is at. If you get educated on it and you both become motivated then it could work.

I don't want to be given up on, but several people have for me.

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I would say she got sick of trying from what you are describing. I don't think there's much to be comfortable about with this illness. It sounds like you want to contact her. Why don't you try and she where she is at. If you get educated on it and you both become motivated then it could work.

I don't want to be given up on, but several people have for me.

I want to contact her. It's an everyday fight. That is why I am educating myself. It's not easy for her to talk to me about it... You can contact her for me on my behalf however, I dont want to get hurt, personally. She was in my dreams last night. I love her.

The thing is, when she drinks she says that she is cheating on me, then she calls the guy "kevin" in front of me crying when she is hammered to pick her up, then she tells me they had sex, then she tells me she moved on... Then when she is sober in the morning she said it was all bc she was drunk and she is sorry. Well, she doesn't take meds or get help. And she drinks everyday. So, living with this everyday bc she cant cope, and I die emotionally, mentally and spiritually from it? The stress even effected me physically and those are all four components to your health.

I love her, I want dont want to give up on her, I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO GIVE UP ON HER WHEN IT GIVES ANOTHER MAN A FREE PASS TO MANIPULATE/ BANG HER ALL OUT OF ILLNESS/ DRUNKNESS. I really care about her health and well being and I cant stay in her life and watch men take advantage of her who have no feelings for her and the man she was supposed to marry and be with is here going through hell with this.

You can talk to her, I already made it clear to her if I ever contact her it will be through a third party and the same goes with her.

The other thing, last time I saw her was before church. It was three Sundays ago, she was on her floor of her parents house throwing up all morning from drinking to much the night before, by herself.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by supernaught16

I want to contact her. It's an everyday fight. That is why I am educating myself. It's not easy for her to talk to me about it... You can contact her for me on my behalf however, I dont want to get hurt, personally. She was in my dreams last night. I love her.

The thing is, when she drinks she says that she is cheating on me, then she calls the guy "kevin" in front of me crying when she is hammered to pick her up, then she tells me they had sex, then she tells me she moved on... Then when she is sober in the morning she said it was all bc she was drunk and she is sorry. Well, she doesn't take meds or get help. And she drinks everyday. So, living with this everyday bc she cant cope, and I die emotionally, mentally and spiritually from it? The stress even effected me physically and those are all four components to your health.

I love her, I want dont want to give up on her, I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO GIVE UP ON HER WHEN IT GIVES ANOTHER MAN A FREE PASS TO MANIPULATE/ BANG HER ALL OUT OF ILLNESS/ DRUNKNESS. I really care about her health and well being and I cant stay in her life and watch men take advantage of her who have no feelings for her and the man she was supposed to marry and be with is here going through hell with this.

You can talk to her, I already made it clear to her if I ever contact her it will be through a third party and the same goes with her.

The other thing, last time I saw her was before church. It was three Sundays ago, she was on her floor of her parents house throwing up all morning from drinking to much the night before, by herself.

Well this does sound like completely unnaceptable behavior. You are right to try to save yourself, because loving someone who is destroying themselves recklessly is devastating.

The only solution I see is rehab. And if you really want to try to salvage the relationship and help her, I'd get her family and friends to help you intervene. Then perhaps during rehab, therapy can be introduced and psychiatric assessment??

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are commendable to have stayed and fought for so long. My heart goes out to you both.

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Well this does sound like completely unnaceptable behavior. You are right to try to save yourself, because loving someone who is destroying themselves recklessly is devastating.

The only solution I see is rehab. And if you really want to try to salvage the relationship and help her, I'd get her family and friends to help you intervene. Then perhaps during rehab, therapy can be introduced and psychiatric assessment??

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are commendable to have stayed and fought for so long. My heart goes out to you both.

Yea... Funny you mentioned rehab, I was trying to keep up with her life to the point to where MY FAMILY SENT ME TO REHAB just being involved with her life. I left rehab after two weeks and never drank again, this time to be on the sidelines and being a spectator trying to salvage our relationship... When I saw her throwing up all morning from drinking after she said she would stop drinking, that was enough and I left. I threw her two more life lines, I tried to get my family involved by asking her to do something simple, my mom asked how she was and I was thinking this would be a good way to get my family intervined. I let her know my mother asked how she is and she might think about giving my mom a call, surprising her and just saying hi. Her response was, "F**k that Im not kissing "nobodys" *** b**ch." So I threw on e last life line which was, I told her to have her father call me because I need to have a meeting with her father if she wants this to work out... I told her I need to get her family involved in our relationship and tell them what I am going through. They have been through it and have more experience than I do....

So, her father ended up calling me 7 times. And left a voicemail saying we need to talk. I didn't answer because I was on the other line with a friend from another country and I cant call back to another country. Also, the number calling me was a blocked/restricted number. It wasnt until I got off the ohone with my friend from another country that I found that, she had in fact relayed my message of, "If you want to salvage this relationship this is the last chance you have I need to talk to your father." And that ended uip happening an hour after I sent the email.

There has been no contact since her father tried to contact me. So I know it means enough to her to have her family try and help us and salvage our relationship. I just dont know what to do. I mean, if her parents see this, why are they giving her money when she spends it on drugs and alcohol and not getting her help? I feel like I am insulting them almost putting in this effort.

I have no clue what to do. She cares enough to pass that message on to her father, but she doesn't care enough to cheat on me right in front of my face, call men to come pick her up right in front of my face, I have caught her with this guy six months ago one time and then just one month ago she said that she has been banging him this whole time, then denied it when she was sober.

I should not have to decide what is real and what isn't and have her father involved.... I feel like if I talk to her father this will go nowhere.

What do you think?

Do you think I should ask her father out to dinner or something? I cannot look at her in her face again. I can find the strength to meet her father though.

Like, things I need to talk to her father about: She got a possession charge and now she is going to court the day that we had plans. She "couldn't" leave her parents house because she wanted to stay home and get the mail because she didn't want her parents to find her court paperwork come in the mail. She will never get the help she needs living in hiding and running from her problems. If I bring up somethign like this to her father with her there, she will lie about the whole thing. She already went to jail for a possession charge in the past and she pakced up suitcases, told her parents she was going on vacation, went to my neighbors house and dropped off her luggage and then went to jail for a while.

Like, I don't know where to begin. The lies, and everything seems to be just her wiring.

If I attempted to salvage this it is not by talking to her and getting into her life, it would be working out a relationship with her father first. What do you think about this?

I don't think it is a good idea but I care about her and I wouldn't want someone to give up on me.... Even though she did give up on me before (She left me when I was broke and down on my times saying this "Kevin" guy she thinks will treat her better..

I don't know, can you give me advice on meeting not her but her father for dinner?

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by supernaught16

Yea... Funny you mentioned rehab, I was trying to keep up with her life to the point to where MY FAMILY SENT ME TO REHAB just being involved with her life. I left rehab after two weeks and never drank again, this time to be on the sidelines and being a spectator trying to salvage our relationship... When I saw her throwing up all morning from drinking after she said she would stop drinking, that was enough and I left. I threw her two more life lines, I tried to get my family involved by asking her to do something simple, my mom asked how she was and I was thinking this would be a good way to get my family intervined. I let her know my mother asked how she is and she might think about giving my mom a call, surprising her and just saying hi. Her response was, "F**k that Im not kissing "nobodys" *** b**ch." So I threw on e last life line which was, I told her to have her father call me because I need to have a meeting with her father if she wants this to work out... I told her I need to get her family involved in our relationship and tell them what I am going through. They have been through it and have more experience than I do....

So, her father ended up calling me 7 times. And left a voicemail saying we need to talk. I didn't answer because I was on the other line with a friend from another country and I cant call back to another country. Also, the number calling me was a blocked/restricted number. It wasnt until I got off the ohone with my friend from another country that I found that, she had in fact relayed my message of, "If you want to salvage this relationship this is the last chance you have I need to talk to your father." And that ended uip happening an hour after I sent the email.

There has been no contact since her father tried to contact me. So I know it means enough to her to have her family try and help us and salvage our relationship. I just dont know what to do. I mean, if her parents see this, why are they giving her money when she spends it on drugs and alcohol and not getting her help? I feel like I am insulting them almost putting in this effort.

I have no clue what to do. She cares enough to pass that message on to her father, but she doesn't care enough to cheat on me right in front of my face, call men to come pick her up right in front of my face, I have caught her with this guy six months ago one time and then just one month ago she said that she has been banging him this whole time, then denied it when she was sober.

I should not have to decide what is real and what isn't and have her father involved.... I feel like if I talk to her father this will go nowhere.

What do you think?

Do you think I should ask her father out to dinner or something? I cannot look at her in her face again. I can find the strength to meet her father though.

Like, things I need to talk to her father about: She got a possession charge and now she is going to court the day that we had plans. She "couldn't" leave her parents house because she wanted to stay home and get the mail because she didn't want her parents to find her court paperwork come in the mail. She will never get the help she needs living in hiding and running from her problems. If I bring up somethign like this to her father with her there, she will lie about the whole thing. She already went to jail for a possession charge in the past and she pakced up suitcases, told her parents she was going on vacation, went to my neighbors house and dropped off her luggage and then went to jail for a while.

Like, I don't know where to begin. The lies, and everything seems to be just her wiring.

If I attempted to salvage this it is not by talking to her and getting into her life, it would be working out a relationship with her father first. What do you think about this?

I don't think it is a good idea but I care about her and I wouldn't want someone to give up on me.... Even though she did give up on me before (She left me when I was broke and down on my times saying this "Kevin" guy she thinks will treat her better..

I don't know, can you give me advice on meeting not her but her father for dinner?

It sounds like you know what the meeting with her father will involve and that they are either clueless, or aiding/abetting her behavior. Do you have the rehab in mind you want to send her to? Can they help you?

From all you have revealed it really sounds like she doesn't deserve you and has done so many horrible things to you already.... I would have a hard time forgiving/forgetting all that even if she miraculously changes???

I can't tell you what to do, but this is an abusive relationship. You should also look into getting a person that counsels for people who deal with similar situations.

[supernaught16]

Yea it is horrible. I give up... I can't forgive her. I can't forget. I just can't believe the last time I would see such a beautiful woman would be her throwing up, puking, and last time I hear from her was her telling me how sorry is she after she did it again.

Her parents don't believe in mental disorders. "Everyday she is just having a bad day." So, to them, everyday is a bad day and there is no such thing as mental disorders. Although the doctor has diagnosed her BP and told them it is so bad, that she is "considered special" and "someone needs to take care of her" (for the rest of her life).

[supernaught16]

So this goes back to my question as well, I know BP is a mental illness. Do you think she has the mental capacity to feel bad for what she has done to me?

[supernaught16]

Or are BP's just completely oblivious as to the hurt and destruction when they cause it to someones life?

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by supernaught16

So this goes back to my question as well, I know BP is a mental illness. Do you think she has the mental capacity to feel bad for what she has done to me?

Absolutely. I feel acute pain for all the people I hurt and let down due to my illness. But whether or not she feels it now is the question... and it doesn't seem like she does. Especially since her parents are enabling her.

You can't save someone who won't save themselves. I was that girl. I deeply regret my behavior. But it didn't save my relationship, and it didn't happen immediately.

[supernaught16]

that just blows. I dont know if she even knows how much I love her or care about her and miss her. and I she might think the same way about me. i dont even know if she knows why i left and if thats the case then there is nothing to fix in her mind if she doesnt even know she pushed me away. is there a place for "survivors" like me to get therapy/help? Is it normal for someone to need a therapist after being exposed to this degree of BP?

[supernaught16]

i cant believe that she stressed me out so much to where I had ED (didnt get up once) for about six weeks and then she accused me of cheating on her when really she was just stressing me out to the point my body was shutting down (throing up, lost weight, ED, skin changing color, mentally clouded) and then she actually cheats on me bc she thinks im cheating on her even when I am physically impossible to have sex. It's crazy.

[ceejae]

For me, when I'm manic I have very little concern for peoples feelings. Sometimes I swear pick fights with people when I'm manic because don't care what I say. After I "come down" I am regretful. For my BP daughter it is easier to just fight with people and move on. Many times she goes back with the person and it is a vicious cycle. Whether she ever truly feels regret I don't know.

[supernaught16]

that's insane. she probably never even cared about me. she got my name tattoo'd on her but still, she i dont think ever loved me. she isnt making any steps to get back with me, and.. whatever.

[LacunaCoiler]

Originally Posted by supernaught16

i dont even know if she knows why i left and if thats the case then there is nothing to fix in her mind if she doesnt even know she pushed me away.

When I'm in my manic phases I'm perfect and there's nothing in me needing to be fixed. I'm also in a very destructive behavior pattern. I will pick fights with everyone and anyone, I'm in thrill seeker mode and don't really care about mine or others safety, and like you said I honestly don't give a s*** if I'm hurting someone's feelings.

When I'm "Normal" again, I do feel somewhat bad for my behavior and I do spend a lot of time apologizing and attempting to make up for what I said/did to the people who matter.

Love and caring about people are complex things. I love my girlfriend and I'd die for her but sometimes I'm plain flat out rude/mean to her. She tends to get the brunt of my anger and when I come down I feel so bad for putting her through it.

[BipolaRNurse]

I sometimes say and do things when I'm manic that I would never say or do when I'm "normal". That's pretty common in folks with BP. And I think it's safe to say that most of us feel bad when we come down and see the damage we've done to our relationships. We also tend to have memory blackouts, not unlike those seen in people who abuse alcohol, so we don't always know what we've done until we come out of it and someone tells us.

[krisakira]

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, and has little to do with feelings of guilt, remorse, or shame. That has to do with the person's personality, which is not defined by having a mood disorder. If she doesn't feel guilt, that should not be blamed on the bipolar disorder, but by her own personality.

[krisakira]

You want a reason for her to be a bad person. Simply put, some people are just *****es.

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I sometimes say and do things when I'm manic that I would never say or do when I'm "normal". That's pretty common in folks with BP. And I think it's safe to say that most of us feel bad when we come down and see the damage we've done to our relationships. We also tend to have memory blackouts, not unlike those seen in people who abuse alcohol, so we don't always know what we've done until we come out of it and someone tells us.

Thank you so much for your input. She has had "blackouts" I would talk to her about something that she did and she would have no idea what I am talking about... It was until one morning she woke up and realized she had robbed my house and then there was physical proof about what she had done. I always thought these blackouts weren't real. But thank you for telling me. I am understanding a lot.

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by krisakira

You want a reason for her to be a bad person. Simply put, some people are just *****es.

\Well typically, if you are in a bad mood, and you dont feel good, and your in a bad *****y mood.... You will generally act badly and *****y right????

You see what you said and where I am going with this?

What's the difference between being in a *****y mood, acting like a ***** b/c bipolar is a mood disorder and acting like a *****?

It's funny how these two correlate with BP and she is BP....

Can you clarify your statement? Thanks.

[Hbomb0903]

I can't speak for the previous poster, but I think what she meant is that sometimes you can't blame all the behavior on BP. I mean it has a lot to do with why she has gotten to that point, but there is free will and I know I would never do a lot of the things you have brought up... manic and f'd up or not.

Not to say I haven't had my moments. I've done many things I regret and probably don't remember many more, but I do think personality puts some limits on what we will or will not do.

Bottom line.... you are supportive, but don't be a doormat. You are in love with her but don't let it blind you. You are educating yourself about this terrible disorder and the ways it manifests. That is good for you and for her if you reunite, but you have to think of your well-being. Especially since you have admitted that her family basically enables her to continue to be out of control and have no accountability.

She needs help, but you can't make her want to get it. But you can try, if you still choose to, and the more educated you are the better prepared you will be.

Good luck and prayers with you for this ordeal you are going through.

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I can't speak for the previous poster, but I think what she meant is that sometimes you can't blame all the behavior on BP. I mean it has a lot to do with why she has gotten to that point, but there is free will and I know I would never do a lot of the things you have brought up... manic and f'd up or not.

Not to say I haven't had my moments. I've done many things I regret and probably don't remember many more, but I do think personality puts some limits on what we will or will not do.

Bottom line.... you are supportive, but don't be a doormat. You are in love with her but don't let it blind you. You are educating yourself about this terrible disorder and the ways it manifests. That is good for you and for her if you reunite, but you have to think of your well-being. Especially since you have admitted that her family basically enables her to continue to be out of control and have no accountability.

She needs help, but you can't make her want to get it. But you can try, if you still choose to, and the more educated you are the better prepared you will be.

Good luck and prayers with you for this ordeal you are going through.

I appreciate your input. At this point, getting back together is not going to happen, ever. I am just trying to find understanding in what went wrong/get closure/ educate myself so I can handle this break up/ elimination from my life better... I love her, I wanted to spend my life with her... She told me she was BP. I am just trying to understand for myself not to get back with her just to feel good and get some understanding and get love and support from people who have been through it.

I love this woman and I always will but I will never get back with her. And I am just trying to understand why I will never get back with her and try to educate myself so I know if I am making a good decision leaving my other half behind. I need education. Lots of it. I survived this.

[Hbomb0903]

How are you today?