[Rayne Selene]

My boyfriend just became my fiancé. It's been a long time coming, and I love him more than anything in this world, but I'm panicking. I feel like I'm not a whole person. I'm so deeply depressed so much of the time, and so insane during my manic periods. How can I sentence him to a lifetime of dealing with this? And children? How can I raise children? There are so many periods when I can't even take care of myself. I'm so often extremely suicidal. What if one day I can't control it anymore and I hurt myself? How can I do that to my husband and children? I just don't think I'm fit to be a wife and a mother, and I don't know if he understands what he would be taking on by marrying me. How an I do this to him? I"m so afraid

First of all- congratulations on your engagement!

Next - what kind of treatment are you in?

[bloom25]

I'm not old enough to give suggestions on this but here's what I think......
u should tell ur boyfriend abt what your dealing with n I know u must be scared to do this with the fear of losing him Cuz u love him.
But just think some or the other day he should know this. Sooner the better.
And do seek help if you don't have one yet . It might help.
n I'm pretty sure u must be a wonderful person , don't lessen yourself
Oh by the way congratulations

[wachiki92]

I feel exactly the same way. I've never wanted children partially for this reason nut my bf wants children. I don't feel that I'm stable enough. I can't take care of myself a lot of the time. much less another person. also because bipolar is genetic. my mother is bipolar. my sister was bipolar. and I would never wish this on anyone much less my own child. and I feel horrible for what I've put by bf through. because he's been put through hell

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by wachiki92

I feel exactly the same way. I've never wanted children partially for this reason nut my bf wants children. I don't feel that I'm stable enough. I can't take care of myself a lot of the time. much less another person. also because bipolar is genetic. my mother is bipolar. my sister was bipolar. and I would never wish this on anyone much less my own child. and I feel horrible for what I've put by bf through. because he's been put through hell

Exactly. I love children, and I want one really badly. But i just don't think I'd be a good mother, and I really don't want to pass something like this on.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by bloom25

I'm not old enough to give suggestions on this but here's what I think......
u should tell ur boyfriend abt what your dealing with n I know u must be scared to do this with the fear of losing him Cuz u love him.
But just think some or the other day he should know this. Sooner the better.
And do seek help if you don't have one yet . It might help.
n I'm pretty sure u must be a wonderful person , don't lessen yourself
Oh by the way congratulations

Thanks My boyfriend knows. I'm just not sure he fully understands. He's very loving and caring.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

First of all- congratulations on your engagement!

Next - what kind of treatment are you in?

I'm not. It's a long, complicated story...but basically I'm still on my parents' insurance because I'm in school, parents are divorced, dad controls insurance, dad is a jerk, changed the insurance without telling us, and now every single appointment is over $200, which I can't afford. My mom is on a teacher's salary, so she can't help either. My fiancé is in school, as am I. (We're planning to hold off the wedding until after we graduate.) My dad doesn't believe in mental illness, so he refuses to help me pay for treatment or medication. I went to the counselor at school and she laughed at me, so yup, not going back there again.

Congratulations!

Talk to your psychologist about what it takes to have a successful marriage and family with BP disorder. Read about this as much as you can. Figure out when would be a good time for *you* to get married -- e.g. perhaps you want to be more stable, figure out a working course of treatment, etc. Hopefully your fiance will be supportive of that. Help your fiance help you, and make sure that he knows as much about BP as you do.

Some articles and books:
Bipolar Dating & Marriage -- Romantic Relationships

Marriage and bipolar disorder | bphope

The Bipolar Relationship: How to understand, help, and love your partner: Jon P. Bloch, Bernard Golden, Nancy Rosenfeld: 9781598699678: Amazon.com: Books

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone...77ENF7Q0EVHMST

Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar Disorder: A Practical Guide for Family, Friends, and Coworkers: Chelsea Lowe, Bruce M. Cohen MD PhD: 9780470475669: Amazon.com: Books

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

I'm not. It's a long, complicated story...but basically I'm still on my parents' insurance because I'm in school, parents are divorced, dad controls insurance, dad is a jerk, changed the insurance without telling us, and now every single appointment is over $200, which I can't afford. My mom is on a teacher's salary, so she can't help either. My fiancé is in school, as am I. (We're planning to hold off the wedding until after we graduate.) My dad doesn't believe in mental illness, so he refuses to help me pay for treatment or medication. I went to the counselor at school and she laughed at me, so yup, not going back there again.

So I'm assuming that you're not getting treatment?

Do you have BP1 or BP2? The latter might be more manageable without professional treatment, since there is no mania/psychosis, although every case is different. And of course, I'm not saying that any kind of BP is "easier" than another, just that you might need fewer prescription-only meds with BP2.

[ceejae]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Thanks My boyfriend knows. I'm just not sure he fully understands. He's very loving and caring.

My husband and I lived together before we got married. That way he got a glimpse of what it would be like.

[littlemiss44]

Bp2 is just as devastating as bp1. I need lots of help thru a pdoc, dbt and intensive therapy. I suffer from debilitating depressive episodes and I need to be closely monitored. You can have a successful marriage with children. I've done it and I can't say it's always been easy but with the proper support and treatment anything is possible. Don't lose hope. But I can understand yr fears. You don't have to have kids until you are ready...when you feel stable enough. You have time on yr side. :-)

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[outlaw sammy]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

My boyfriend just became my fiancé. It's been a long time coming, and I love him more than anything in this world, but I'm panicking. I feel like I'm not a whole person. I'm so deeply depressed so much of the time, and so insane during my manic periods. How can I sentence him to a lifetime of dealing with this? And children? How can I raise children? There are so many periods when I can't even take care of myself. I'm so often extremely suicidal. What if one day I can't control it anymore and I hurt myself? How can I do that to my husband and children? I just don't think I'm fit to be a wife and a mother, and I don't know if he understands what he would be taking on by marrying me. How an I do this to him? I"m so afraid

If you had diabetes, would you marry and have children? If you were a paraplegic, would you marry and have children? If you had the genes for alcoholism, would you marry and have children? Why should you even hesitate to marry with bipolar disorder? Your children only have a 16% chance of inheriting it from you - and I bet even then, the child who has such a misfortune will be thrilled to have her/his life. You have what most people long for - a loving partner willing to accept you for what you are. Are you familiar with the term "unconditional love?" While it's an ancient saying that Love conquers all, it couldn't be more true. Love doesn't "see" your disorder; love doesn't demand perfection; love "sees" only into your heart.

If you love him and he loves you - then get on with it. Don't let this bloody illness stand in your way. Don't let life pass you by because of your fears.

Winston Churchill didn't say to the Parliament, "Sorry my distinguished colleages, but because of my bipolar disorder, I don't believe that I'm fit to lead our nation into war against the Nazis." TUFF UP GIRL!

Oh hun...please look into a community clinic or SOMETHING. There IS help for mentalhealth stuff, you just have to look hard and pursue.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by outlaw sammy

If you had diabetes, would you marry and have children? If you were a paraplegic, would you marry and have children? If you had the genes for alcoholism, would you marry and have children? Why should you even hesitate to marry with bipolar disorder? Your children only have a 16% chance of inheriting it from you - and I bet even then, the child who has such a misfortune will be thrilled to have her/his life. You have what most people long for - a loving partner willing to accept you for what you are. Are you familiar with the term "unconditional love?" While it's an ancient saying that Love conquers all, it couldn't be more true. Love doesn't "see" your disorder; love doesn't demand perfection; love "sees" only into your heart.

If you love him and he loves you - then get on with it. Don't let this bloody illness stand in your way. Don't let life pass you by because of your fears.

Winston Churchill didn't say to the Parliament, "Sorry my distinguished colleages, but because of my bipolar disorder, I don't believe that I'm fit to lead our nation into war against the Nazis." TUFF UP GIRL!

It's not as though it's that simple. I don't think bipolar disorder can be equated with diabetes, and my issue is not whether or not my fiancé loves me. I think that in a partnership, each person has to give to the other, and I'm not sure that I can promise to always be an equal part of this partnership. I'm not sure that I can always be in a place where I can take care of my children. I'm not sure that I'll always be able to fight my suicidal urges, and that I won't one day do something to myself and leave my family alone. And no, I don't know that a child born with bipolar will be "thrilled" to have his/her life. I'm often not thrilled to have mine. It sounds like you're in a good place with your life, but I'm not sure you understand very well where my life is at right now. I think my concerns are valid ones. I don't think my illness and problems can be cured by a simple "tuff up". But thank you for trying.

[Rayne Selene]

Incidentally, I'm related to Winston Churchill. We're cousins. ^^

[crazycatlady_83]

I have two boys and a very loving and understanding husband. I didn't really show symptoms until my oldest was about 2, and I was manic and angry, then jump right to depression. When I got really depressed, it was always the thought of my son that would keep me going, like I didn't want to disappoint him, even at his young age. And I felt pretty good and fairly stable while I was pregnant with my second. However, I did have to get back on my medication after he was 2 weeks old and never really got to breastfeed, which was really important to me. But I have two very healthy boys that I love more than anything, including my husband at times. It's amazing how much love you have for your own child/children.
But I do still go through bits of anger mostly, and I know it's affecting my kids. They weren't behaving last night and I made them go to bed early, and my oldest asked my husband if bipolar is contagious...he's almost 9. I hate that I yell and scream so much at them, but they really are a big reason why I live. And when I get really depressed, which isn't too often, my boys will come to where I'm laying and give me hugs and kisses, which makes me feel a little better.
I really think kids are great, and I wish I could have had one or two more. But it was really hard to be off my meds...I got really suicidal a couple days before I found out I was pregnant. I would say you should wait until you are able to be somewhat stable on medications or with therapy to think about kids. It sounds like you are very young and have so many years ahead of you to think about starting a family. If you are not stable, then it isn't a good time to think about having kids. Stress is a trigger for me, so I always try to keep it at a minimum. Like I said, I have a great husband who would do anything for me and helps me out a lot. He picks up on the parenting when I'm unable to.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by crazycatlady_83

I have two boys and a very loving and understanding husband. I didn't really show symptoms until my oldest was about 2, and I was manic and angry, then jump right to depression. When I got really depressed, it was always the thought of my son that would keep me going, like I didn't want to disappoint him, even at his young age. And I felt pretty good and fairly stable while I was pregnant with my second. However, I did have to get back on my medication after he was 2 weeks old and never really got to breastfeed, which was really important to me. But I have two very healthy boys that I love more than anything, including my husband at times. It's amazing how much love you have for your own child/children.
But I do still go through bits of anger mostly, and I know it's affecting my kids. They weren't behaving last night and I made them go to bed early, and my oldest asked my husband if bipolar is contagious...he's almost 9. I hate that I yell and scream so much at them, but they really are a big reason why I live. And when I get really depressed, which isn't too often, my boys will come to where I'm laying and give me hugs and kisses, which makes me feel a little better.
I really think kids are great, and I wish I could have had one or two more. But it was really hard to be off my meds...I got really suicidal a couple days before I found out I was pregnant. I would say you should wait until you are able to be somewhat stable on medications or with therapy to think about kids. It sounds like you are very young and have so many years ahead of you to think about starting a family. If you are not stable, then it isn't a good time to think about having kids. Stress is a trigger for me, so I always try to keep it at a minimum. Like I said, I have a great husband who would do anything for me and helps me out a lot. He picks up on the parenting when I'm unable to.

Thank you for sharing. I am really young. I'm only 20.

[Capriciousness]

I totally respect people with BP who make the decision to not have children. It is not just people with Bipolar. Lots of people forgo parenting for various mature reasons.

But you don't really know what you can and cannot do because you are not treated. I have been with my husband for ten years and I have two fantastic children and one more on the way. I only got my dx three years ago. I could not do this without treatment. My children are the number one reason I went on medication. They are the number one reason I do all of the lifestyle stuff I need to do.

But here is the thing. Most people with Bipolar struggle to do Anything without treatment. The Family is just another part of it.

Btw. I totally disagree with the comment about BP 2 being possible more manageable without meds. The depression is the same and depression is deadly. I held that belief for awhile that a "lighter" Bipolar was more conquerable. But it isn't. It will kill you just the same if you let it.

Get some good treatment and then you can decide what you can do. You might be surprised how stable you can be

[crazycatlady_83]

You still have so much time to think about having kids! I say that, but I didn't want to have any kids after 30, and I wanted to go back to school to get my bachelor's. I do have to say that already being done with school and having a stable home and job will help tremendously with little ones running around. It's a lot less stressful. Both my husband and I are full time students right now, and we've been living on cashed in retirements and financial aid. Money is definitely a stressful subject, and it makes it harder when we have two boys we have to provide for as well as ourselves. Luckily, we own our home and don't have a huge mortgage payment.

[Pierro]

Congratulations to you. Has your fiance seen you in your manic periods? Have a real heart to heart with him. Maybe you are just insecure about your own self that you think you dont deserve a loving man in your life. Dont get married until you are comfortable about it. Best wishes..

[Hedwig3.0]

Congratulations!!

Please take a deep breath and another and a few more.

I have learned that being overwhelmed by the future is best approached by taking it a day at a time. You are not getting married today (but you are luckily enough to have somebody that loves you.) You are not having kids today.

This stuff is scary but you will figure it out.

[nushi]

I understand your concerns...

I had relationships with two boys before & both of them left me after a couple of months because they couldn't tolerate my OCD. I think that spending time together with your fiance a lot before getting married, even if more than a year, is very important so that you give him enough time to judge whether he's willing to cope with your illness, & endure the hard task of helping you get better

As for having children, I don't want to seem selfish or anything, but I'm actually planning to try adopt children (if nobody marries me & I have the chance to bear children), because I can't bear the idea of not enjoying having children & raising them up & loving them. Even when I'm walking in the street or in transportation, I can't help it but stop, kiss, & play with any child that I see in front of me.

I think that the love I might give & find with any child that I adopt will be something so beautiful & magical that might even give me the will & motivation needed to heal & cope successfully with my OCD

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

My boyfriend just became my fiancé. It's been a long time coming, and I love him more than anything in this world, but I'm panicking. I feel like I'm not a whole person. I'm so deeply depressed so much of the time, and so insane during my manic periods. How can I sentence him to a lifetime of dealing with this? And children? How can I raise children? There are so many periods when I can't even take care of myself. I'm so often extremely suicidal. What if one day I can't control it anymore and I hurt myself? How can I do that to my husband and children? I just don't think I'm fit to be a wife and a mother, and I don't know if he understands what he would be taking on by marrying me. How an I do this to him? I"m so afraid

By you asking this question shows me you are a quality, considerate person that I do not find much of nowadays. I think that if he knows what he is getting himself involved in, then as an adult he is capable of making this decision for himself. So li think if you do a good job helping him understand your illness, I think it will work out.

As far as children go, he can also help you make it work out. This does have to be a decision that you make together. You are not alone in this. Everything does not depend on you alone for this to work out. At times he may have the larger burden in regards to children you may have together. But it still can work out.

My opinion FWIW

[Marshellette]

Wait a few years. Wait til you're stable. Then see how things go.

[Victoria'smom]

. How can I sentence him to a lifetime of dealing with this? you aren't sentencing him to anything. The best part of it is you have no control over what he chooses to deal with in life. If you really think about it you have such good quality that it out weighs bipolar.

How can I raise children? with lots of help. When there is ever a disability more planing is needed. You REALLY have to talk to him about having kids and fiances. And make a plan.

There are so many periods when I can't even take care of myself. Does he know this?

What if one day I can't control it anymore and I hurt myself?

How can I do that to my husband and children? I really think you need to make a plan to help keep you from that close from death.

I just don't think I'm fit to be a wife and a mother, and I don't know if he understands what he would be taking on by marrying me. I don't feel anyone is 'fit' its kinda just you with another title.